My (28M) father (62M) passed away after a long battle with illness over a month ago. Words cannot describe how devastated I am. He meant so much to me and we were very close. My wife knew how much this loss has affected me and has been very supportive. However, I found out that she lied to me about being pregnant. 2 weeks after my father passed away, she told me the news and I was obviously thrilled and happy. Days ago, she confessed that it was a lie to get me out of my grief and to “cheer me up”. We’ve been married for over 4 years and haven’t had any kids although we wanted them, so for her to do this to me especially at this time…honestly just makes me both frustrated and angry. We had a huge argument and she kept crying saying she was just trying to help me get out of my depression but it’s gotten worse now because of what she has done and I’m beyond mad st this point. I told her I needed space and she’s now staying with her family. They’re defending her actions saying she did this because she saw how devastated I was and wanted to help by doing anything. She keeps sending me texts apologizing but still defending herself. I’m no longer receiving texts or calls from her or her family but I don’t know if I’m being too hard on her or maybe I’m letting grief and depression cloud my judgment. So I need so feedback on this.
Thank you.
I forgot that I need to ask a question. My question is AITAH for not forgiving her for what she has done? I’m aware that this might lead to separation and I’m dealing with enough already and don’t need to deal with issues in my marriage. But I just can’t believe she’d even think of doing something like that. It’s like she made the situation 1000× worse and now I feel like I can’t even be alone with myself, because I’m constantly thinking of what she’s done. I should say that my mental health has always been a struggle and some people might say that I’m overreacting but again, I’m just experiencing more pain and devastation than when I’d learned the news of my father’s death.
Comments
That’s just fucking cruel. NTA
Karma farming rage bait.
NTA. That’s a cruel thing to do to someone. Getting your hopes up knowing it would end again in heartbreak, but with added deception.
NTA that is such a cruel thing to do, to give you hope then rip it away is bound to make you feel worse than before. You could try counselling, but I think it would take a lot for me to forgive something like that. Updateme
how did she think she would explain not really being preganant, she had a miscarriage so now your suffering the loss of dad and a baby you thought was coming?
NTA. Take a close look at her past behaviour and habits, especially anything to do with being in the social limelight and wanting to be your full focus, and tell me what you think of this hypothesis:
It wasn’t about cheering you up at all. She was just sick of you grieving your father and focusing on him, and wanted a way to make herself the centre of attention again.
I really hope this post is fake because that’s so unhinged. Instead of one loss now you are dealing with two.
That’s super fucked up
Id never be able to trust them again, and now you at least know her family will never be impartial in anything if they are defending that absolutely psycho move
NTA
NTA for being upset, what your wife did was unacceptable. I’d like to recommend that you both go to therapy, both separately and marriage counseling. I think you could benefit from grief counseling, but she needs to understand how her actions hurt you.
That is BEYOND cruel! Now you’re grieving two things. The loss of your father and the loss of a child you thought you were going to have! She takes the cake on assholes.
Can’t be trusted. It’s evil what she did.
NTA but you’re married to one. What she did was cruel and she doesn’t feel bad if she’s defending her actions and having her family berate you for not forgiving her. I would rethink this marriage. She’s cruel and manipulative and now you know that you can’t trust her. She stole a special moment from you so she didn’t have to be the emotional support you needed. It’s foul behavior. I hope she feels ashamed of herself.
I hope she sees these comments and realizes what a total AH she is.
Updateme
NTA, and I question both your wife’s judgment and her sanity. WTF!!!
NTA
That is cruel, not helpful. How are you supposed to trust her now?
WTF
Hot take. How long has your wife been acting strangely, and how much have you ignored it until now? Like others have said, this is cruel, weird, manipulative, and just a really outlier behaviour. It’s incredibly hard to believe that your wife has not been showing signs of being a weirdo in a million ways before this. You have been married for 4 years, almost half a decade, and you never noticed that she doesn’t have common sense? NTA I guess, but also I find it very hard to imagine being with a person capable of doing this, and there are not a million red flags that you strolled right past before she lied about being pregnant to help with your grief.
That is super fucked up!
If she wanted cheer you up, she could have cooked your favorit meal, got you icecream or hugged you, you know things normal people do.
She’s unhinged.
Alright hear me out. What if she actually was pregnant and then had a miscarriage and instead of telling you about the miscarriage, because how heart breaking would that be after your dad passing, she’s playing it off as a lie.
This is messed up. Bereavement can really bring the best and worse out of the people around us. No one has the right to pull you out of your grief, that is something you’re to do in your own time. With that in mind, I’m truly sorry for your loss. That alone is out of order but for her to do so by such a cruel lie is appalling. You are by no means the AH here.
You never fake a pregnancy. Not for any reason. I’m so sorry OP, for the loss of your beloved father and the loss of faith in your wife.
NTA. What kind of person thinks lying about pregnancy is the best way to cheer up a grieving partner? Her family is equally ridiculous.
NTA. That was beyond cruel and not something that is easily forgiven. Hell, many would divorce her for such cruelty.
NTA – what a terrible thing to do to someone
This is very manipulative behavior. I would be concerned about this behavior. At the end of the day though you are married. You made a commitment in front of God and your peers. You need to make a mends with her and set boundaries. This behavior is not acceptable.
NTA she is completely nuts and selfish. She couldn’t deal with your devastation and wanted you to go back to being happy instead of allowing you to process. Being depressed after losing a parent is natural and part of the grieving process.
Honestly, it seems like she may have been trying to redirect the attention back to herself. I just don’t understand how lying about something as serious as a pregnancy could genuinely make someone happier in the long run—especially knowing the truth would eventually come out and cause even more pain. What does make more sense to me is that she may have felt upset or overlooked during a time when you were deeply grieving, and your focus naturally shifted to your loss and your family. It feels like this fabricated “good news” was meant to pull your attention back to her. I don’t know for sure, of course—but that’s the only explanation that really adds up for me.
Nta. What a stupid childish ridiculous thing to do to “cheer you up” and she clearly didn’t think it through because coming clean with the lie or worse faking a miscarriage would not help.
You’re allowed to grieve your father. You’re young and I’d be a wreck if I were in your shoes.
Marriage counseling at minimum sounds like a good idea and try some grief support groups. Losing a parent is unlike any other loss. Shame on her and anyone defending her horrible distasteful lie
Updateme
How did she think this would end. Cruel and wrong, but also Olympic level stupid. This would fall under a ,make me see someone in a whole new light, category. She literally blew up the mairrage while you were already grieving. Just awful, and you are NTA
Respectfully, what the f is wrong with your wife? You grieve the loss of a parent to be happy to have a child. Then to grieve the loss of the life you already imagined and opened your heart to from the moment you found out you will be a dad.
If this was done by her as a knee-jerk response she needs a therapist to find out just what in all creation is wrong with her. Who on earth does this?
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
NTA
and what kind of stupid thought is that? Hey, let’s make him grieve two losses at once for him to have two weeks of feeling better… For you the child was very real, it doesn’t matter it was a lie and now you have to grieve the loss of your father, the loss of trust in your wife, and the loss of the child.
Forgiveness is for you not for them. It’s so YOU don’t go around carrying the pain of it all. Not for her to feel better about what she did. So yes, do forgive her. However, that doesn’t mean she’s off the hook for what she did. You lost your father, and she HAD to make it about her. It seems that she didn’t like how your focus was off of her and on someone else and she didn’t like the lack of attention. She needs serious help.
nta but it seems like your marriage isnt based on anything real in the first place if this was the best way she knew to help you. counseling if you want to save it and are willing to put in the work. if not, do the kind thing and end it now.
NTA. What was she thinking? I mean, lying about it is already bad but WHAT did she think would happen when she inevitably had to fess up? Horrible stupid idea that makes no sense.
If I were your wife, I might have upped discussion of starting a family and doing more active planning for something to focus on for you and as a couple. Moving ahead with life in the face of grief and loss. Or more simply, I’d have done something for you to celebrate your Dad’s life somehow. Gone to a place he loved for a trip. Gotten back to nature. Say taking a trip to a place he always wanted to go. When I lost my parents, it helped us to focus what they gave us, what they loved, how they could be remembered in an upbeat way that was about their LIVES not their DEATHS. It framed the loss in a gratitude way at times and made us closer to them.
Her plan I am sure was well-intending, no matter how dumb and short-sighted, but she didn’t even think it through. The lie was bad enough but the “what happens after” just made it even worse. I am sure her family and others are defending her bc they don’t want you to split on the heels of your loss but they also should all be saying “yeah that was pretty bad” at the same time.
I’m so deeply sorry for the loss of your father. Losing someone that close to you is devastating, and your grief is completely valid and understandable.
You are absolutely not the asshole, and you’re not overreacting. What your wife did was profoundly wrong and cruel, even if her intentions weren’t malicious. Lying about a pregnancy – especially to someone who is grieving and has struggled with mental health – is a serious betrayal that goes far beyond just “trying to help.”
Your wife took your deepest pain and added another layer of trauma on top of it. She gave you hope about something incredibly meaningful (having a child with her), let you experience that joy for weeks, and then ripped it away. That’s not support – that’s manipulation, regardless of her intentions. The fact that you’re now experiencing even more pain than when your father died shows just how damaging her actions were.
Her family defending this behavior is also concerning. There’s no universe where lying about pregnancy is an appropriate way to help someone grieve. Grief isn’t something you “fix” with deception – it’s something you walk through with honesty, patience, and genuine support.
You have every right to need space and time to process this betrayal alongside your grief. The fact that she’s still defending her actions in her apologies shows she doesn’t fully grasp how wrong this was. A real apology would involve taking full responsibility without justification.
You’re dealing with an enormous amount right now, and you don’t owe anyone forgiveness on their timeline. Trust your instincts about what you need to heal. Consider speaking with a grief counselor or therapist who can help you work through both losses – your father’s death and this betrayal of trust.
You deserve support that actually supports you, not support that causes additional harm.
Anyone defending her doesn’t understand grief. Even if she played it off later as a miscarriage, the “loss” would bring back all the feeling of sadness you are dealing with currently.
NTA- That is honestly heartless and cruel. I’d almost say evil. She couldn’t handle your grief, so she manipulated you for her own comfort.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you have some support through this difficult time.
NTA. Dude, your dad died. You get to be sad! I am so sorry you are going through this. I’m going to recommend grief counseling for you and just flat out counseling for her and couples counseling for both of you should you choose to stay in the marriage. I don’t know if I could.
Lying is a breach of trust and never the right call between partners. Lying about this is such a deep violation, of dreams, hopes, joy, and trust. If you do stay and she does ever get pregnant, how does she expect you to not doubt her with that baby?
Did she only tell you the truth because her cycle came?
When my husband lost his mom we did things like eat her favorite food. Watch her favorite shows, we grieved but we were sad while also enjoying the things she loved and that helped. I still eat my dad’s fav dessert on his birthday, even if it just a bite because he had horrible taste in cakes. It was decades ago that I lost him. I don’t know you obviously, but this grief isn’t something that goes away quickly, you don’t get over it, you have to move through it. The six week mark is a tough one as it starts to move from short term memory to long term memory so prepare yourself for fresh waves of grief. First holidays are difficult. It is OKAY to be happy and sad at the same time. It is okay to not be happy.
Eat seeds and nuts, they help with grief, they don’t make it go away but they make it easier for the brain to chemically work with it.
I am so sorry you lost your dad.
I am so grateful you don’t already have kids with this liar. I don’t have advice on how to handle that other than with a therapist.
I wouldn’t forgive her either, how tf does she figure that lying about being pregnant would be a positive thing? What she’s done is SO cruel. NTA
Is she normally the centre of attention? I feel like she may of just been upset that you needed comforting and taking care of so made it about herself…
The lie is bad. But what’s worse is she and her family are still trying to defend her actions. That’s a massive red flag because they’re not acknowledging your pain. You and your wife need to find a marriage counselor asap. How can you ever trust her with your feelings again without professional help?
IMO, your wife is hateful (lying to you to get you happy), selfish and self-centered, and immature to give you false hope to stop you from grieving your father’s death. Only a cold-hearted and selfish person would do this. She IMO was tired of you grieving and didn’t want to put up with you. Stay separated until you are ready to deal with her. I’m sorry for the loss of your father. Take as much time as you want and go NC with your wife and her family until you are ready to discuss her actions. I (personally) would be wanting out after this.
NTA….there are a few things in life that you never, ever joke about. This is one of them. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this
NTA..
What she did was cruel..
NTA She is cruel and heartless, so sorry for your loss
Sure, Jan. This definitely happened.
She thought the solution to your grief over your father was also to have you grieve a lost child, too? This is not a woman who is smart enough to have children with. Common sense or common decency could’ve told her at any time this was a bad idea, but apparently she lacks both. NTA
That is absolutely fucked up.
NTA she made an incredibly stupid choice.
But are you sure you’re ready to add divorce on top of your current stressors?
Please consider talking with a therapist or counselor to help you through this difficult period.
Ease up on her. She was apparently desperate to get you out of a funk that was likely scaring her.
Yes it was stupid.
Why are you unwilling to forgive her for being desperate on your behalf.
YTA.
This has to be fake…I can’t imagine anyone being evil or stupid enough to be on her side and hand waving away her taking a pregnancy.
NTA
your wife has some sort of mental problem, and I’ll tell you why she did this.
You were grieving, and moping, and well..(wife’s voice) just so depressing to be around. I mean, it’s been a couple months and hes not paying ANY attention to me and it’s starting to piss me off. I know, I’ll tell him im pregnant, all the focus will be on me again, and he can just get over all this bullshit grieving.
She’s mental. I’d leave her in the dust.
Dude, she wasn’t lying about the pregnancy. She is lying about lying about the pregnancy. She had a miscarriage and is lying to shield you from the news of another death.
I’m sorry… after a couple of weeks she decides enough is enough and you needed to get out of your grief??? 2 weeks??? After losing your father…
So 2 weeks that’s all someone gets to mourn and miss someone they hold dear to them??
I could possibly understand if it was over a year and you weren’t able to get out of bed and function… I could possibly make an argument for her doing something that extreme… I mean it’s still crazy and wrong but I could see it as a desperate times kinda thing if nothing else was working. Again still wrong.
But TWO WEEKS?! She just made everything worse!!. Not only are you now mourning your dad but a pregnancy that never was. How does she not understand that?? Is she just that self centered??? She couldn’t deal with your grief and needed you out of it so what HER life could get back to normal??
NTA
OP condolences to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.
NTA
She just doubled your depression. She wouldn’t want to hear your toxic positivity if she was truly pregnant and suffered a miscarriage or still birth.
NTA. Outside of the obvious that what she did was cruel, but she also chose to do something that took little to no effort on their part. Lying about something so serious without thinking beyond their words is just lazy.
Updateme
NTA. That’s super messed up. What did she think would happen when the truth came out? Obviously she didn’t fully think it through. Some people don’t understand that you are allowed to feel deep grief and it’s a very natural thing. It’s difficult, but it’s actually normal and healthy.
She messed up. I don’t know that I could forgive it if it were me.
NTA. How did she exactly think this was going to help in any way? Now not only are you grieving the loss of your father but you are grieving the child you thought you were going to have.
Was she competing for attention or something? This is off the wall unhinged.
You are valid for needing space until you figure out what to do. I can’t imagine.
Sounds like she wanted the spotlight squarely back on herself. At any rate, what she did didn’t help you heal, and neither do her relentless texts. A month is no time at all. I hope you are able to grieve and heal without her constant yammering. NTA.
That’s a horrible thing to do. I know why she did it, but it’s still horrible, what was she thinking?
… is your wife one of those people who want to live in a rom-con? This sounds like a rom-con plot…
NTA- your wife decided that 2 weeks was long enough to grieve the loss of your father. Instead of trying helpful techniques, she decided to lie about a pregnancy to “help get you out of depression” TWO weeks after your dad died. Let that sink in. Her logic is messed up and if she thinks that is a normal tactic, I would advise you to seriously think if you want this woman to continue as a major part of your life and mother of any potential kids.
NTA. there is something deeply wrong with your wife to make up a lie like that .
Wow, your wife is incredibly stupid