So me and my fiancee have twin 8 month old infants. They spend a lot of weekends with my parents who live about 45 minutes away. Mom is an rn with 20+ years of experience and has raised me and my brothers.
Now
While I have no doubts about my mom and dad’s abilities to raise a kid and handle babies, I find it ok for me to be uncomfortable for them to fly outta state with my kids.
I told my mom this and she got defensive about it.
Now I can’t sleep cause this is bothering me, so
Am I the asshole for not letting them travel with my kids.
Me and my fiancee recently traveled to long beach with them and it was alot of work for two people in there 20s, my parents are in there 50s (mom) 60s(dad).
Edit-my fiancee will be responding as well to comments.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
So me and my fiancee have twin 8 month old infants. They spend a lot of weekends with my parents who live about 45 minutes away. Mom is an rn with 20+ years of experience and has raised me and my brothers.
Now
While I have no doubts about my mom and dad’s abilities to raise a kid and handle babies, I find it ok for me to be uncomfortable for them to fly outta state with my kids.
I told my mom this and she got defensive about it.
Now I can’t sleep cause this is bothering me, so
Am I the asshole for not letting them travel with my kids.
Me and my fiancee recently traveled to long beach with them and it was alot of work for two people in there 20s, my parents are in there 50s (mom) 60s(dad).
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not letting my parents take my kids on an out if state trip.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Like you said, traveling with twins is a lot of work and your parents are older. Not to mention, as the mom of a four month old, I wouldn’t want my baby/babies in a different state than me, especially while they are under one. I need to be able to get to her as soon as possible if anything should come up or she gets sick. Your mom needs to understand that you are setting the boundaries for your family and that may clash with things/plans she may want sometimes and that’s ok.
NTA. At 8 months old, twins are a massive handful, even for experienced caregivers. Traveling with infants is exhausting, and it’s fair to worry about your parents managing that alone, regardless of their experience. Plus, you just traveled with them and saw firsthand how difficult it was. It’s not unreasonable to think two people in their 50s/60s might struggle even more.
NTA
It is one thing to have the babies looked after by parents and something else for them to go off somewhere with them. It is not about your parents’ ability to care for them.
NTA. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with that either. Is there any way you and your fiancé could go on the trip too?
NTA. You’re the parents. They are grand-parents. Hopefully, you’re feeling more uncomfortable than the necessary and your mom will move right out of her defensive position.
How many is “a lot” of weekends?
Thing you want to be careful of is making your parents feel used as free babysitters when it suits you. Sounds like they are established care givers to your children, so asking to take them away doesn’t sound like an unreasonable request on their part.
That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, being so far away from the kids sounds daunting. Have you gone out of state while your parents look after the kids?
NTA. 8 months seems awfully young to me to send babies on a trip out of state like that without their parents. I’m sure your parents meant well to offer though. Maybe try to explain to them that you would be open to them traveling with them like that when they’re a bit older.
NTA. No is a complete sentence.
Are the twins still breastfeeding? How’s that going to be handled?
Also would need medical authorization if something happened.
Finally, where/why do they want to take your 8month olds out of state?
NTA. They are your kids and you two are the only ones that get to make this decision. They’re only 8 months and at that age are a handful. So if you two struggled with your trip there isn’t any doubts it will be for them. Maybe when the twins are older but understandably at eight months it’s fine being a no.
NTA look I’m a granny nanny and would never want to fly or drive a long distance without the parents. Not sure why you are not sleeping. Grandma overstepped and you put her back in her lane. If making the correct decision has you so bothered imagine what a mess you’d be if you let that happen.
NTA. Part of being a parent is saying no, even to your parents. If you don’t want your parents flying with your babies, no is a complete sentence.
Why are you unloading your infants onto your parents a lot of weekends?
I think it’ll be lovely for your parents and a nice break for you and your fiancée. You clearly trust them since they babysit a lot, and your mum is a nurse.
But if you’re really uncomfortable with being that far from the kids, ask if you can come too (and stay in a different hotel) or ask if they can go somewhere closer. Explain that it’s not a trust issue but that you just can’t stand the thought of your babies being that far away. See what compromise you can come up with.
They need to feel like more than baby sitters but you don’t want such a big distance between you and your babies so work together to find a solution.
50’s and 60’s isn’t 80’s and 90’s and I am sure your mum deals with much more pressure at work.
It’s a unified no. There’s no discussion after this. Your mom can deal with her big girl feelings about it.
Wow. Babies are notorious for being terrible on planes. Why are they insisting on taking the babies? It’s not for the kids, they won’t know what’s going on.
And why do your parents have them so often?
NTA. Babies this young do not need to go on trips away from their parents. Grandma is overstepping and delusional. Part of being a parent is standing up for your choices and protecting your children.
NTA your uncomfortable you said no. End of story. They are your and your finances kids not your parents kids. It has nothing to do with them being good grandparents or being competent this is about you not wanting your infant babies to be taken out of state without you, totally fair and reasonable and even if it wasn’t you are the parents not them so you call the shots
NTA. They’re your children so you get to make decisions about them.
Nobody should be looking after your children for their own amusement. Babysitting is for your convenience. Your children are not granny’s accessories. She can bond with t them fine when you’re all together. There’s nothing she needs to do in a different location let alone state that she can’t do with you there. If she wants to help let her pick up groceries, do loads of laundry, or bring you meals.
You are not wrong. They are infants and they are YOUR children. Tell your mother you are not comfortable being that far away from them at this time and you will reconsider when they are older. Then don’t argue. Just tell her she has your answer.
NTA.
All the comments asking why grandparents want to spend time with their grandkids are ridiculous. Just because you can’t fathom loving a baby that much doesn’t mean others can’t.
In your position I just frame it as, I know they’ll be fine but it’s a big step and I don’t feel ready yet. Make it a “you” problem not a “them” problem.
NAH But I think you might regret this. Why not take the occasion for you and your partner to take a break also. I’m not sure what you think the issue might be.
Why would they go on a trip with the kids but without you and your wife?
This would be an absolute no from me.
NTA. You don’t even needa reason, but “my infant children shouldn’t be away from their primary caregiver for more than a few hours” is a really good reason. Knowing my fair share of nurses I’ve noticed a lot of them feel like normal rules should not apply to them because they’re nurses. As if accidents don’t happen to them.
NTA she needs to get over it. Those aren’t her kids.
“Wahh what do you mean you’re not ok with me taking your babies far away from you just to satisfy one of my wants?”
NTA. I traveled solo cross country by plane with my 9 month old son and it was a nightmare. The baby was great but we got stuck due to weather and my connecting flight was cancelled. It wasn’t just the logistics, either. I can’t imagine how someone thinks that they are entitled to take children that young on a trip without their parents, or at least mom. I know I had a very difficult time being separated from my baby even though he stayed overnight at the grandparents by 8 months. They’re your children and what you decide should not be questioned.