My niece(now 19) came to live with me (39M) and my wife (39F) when she was 10. We raised her and her brother for most of their teens. Our niece felt constricted by our rules and abruptly moved out when she was 17 to live with the mother of her half-brother. When she moved, it was to a town about two hours away. She was able to get through high school and graduate. About two months after graduation, she was arrested and charged with a DWI. She had burned every bridge she had in the town she was living in, quit her job, and basically fished for us to ask if she wanted to move back home. She did. We told her we would help her get on her feet and become self-sufficient.
She moved back in December of last year. She got a job. She was doing well, but her boyfriend lived in a different city about two hours away. The boyfriend’s parents made them an offer for her to move in with them. We told her it was not a great idea, but we were not going to stop her. We asked her to take some time to save a little money before she moved. She didn’t. She moved out about a week after floating the idea to us. This is not our life—she can do what she wants—and we told her we hoped we were just being overly cautious and that everything would work out for her.
We have a small house, and we were going to utilize the space she was leaving. We told her that we would get rid of whatever she didn’t take. She did not ask if we could wait on anything. She didn’t ask if we could mail anything. She didn’t tell us she was leaving anything of value. And honestly, when I got the stuff together, it seemed pretty worthless: some old bedding that was too tattered to donate, some clothes, and a lamp. This all happened in April. We helped her pack, and everything was smiles and well-wishes when she left.
We hadn’t seen her in a while, so my wife was going to take a day trip to see her. She asked if we had seen a box of her bathing suits. We said no—we donated everything that was left. This conversation took place about 24 hours ago.
This morning, I had the thought to ask if she remembered where the box would have been. She described a place in the closet that was overlooked, and we found the bathing suits. We let her know we found them, and my wife said she was bringing them.
My wife and nephew made the two-hour drive to see my niece. When they got there, they had to pee and asked to come inside. My niece went back in and talked to her boyfriend’s mom. My wife overheard the mother say that she “doesn’t want that woman in my house.” My niece came out and said that there was someone in the bathroom. My wife didn’t say she overheard them talking but asked if my niece could take them to a gas station to use the bathroom.
After they went, my wife asked if there was something else going on. My niece said that she was upset about us donating her stuff and had vented to her boyfriend’s parents about it the night before. And because of that, her boyfriend’s parents are not fond of my wife and me, and that’s why my wife and nephew were not allowed in the house.
Mind you, we have never met these people or even spoken to them. My wife started to question how they could dislike her if they don’t know her. Things weren’t adding up, and my wife got upset and started crying. My niece said she wanted to go home. My wife took her back and dropped her off. My niece went in the house and came back a few minutes later, saying she would be the “bigger person” and still wanted a relationship with her brother, so she would “let” my wife take them to lunch.
My wife didn’t take her up on the offer, and they started the two-hour drive back home. Are we the assholes?
Comments
It sounds like you guys were really quick to get rid of her things and you should have double checked before trashing everything.
Raising someone isn’t a contract it’s love, sacrifice, and patience, and if she can’t see that, it says more about her than anything you did
NTA. Your niece is selfish. If the bf’s mother had that bad of an opinion of you and your wife your niece has been bad mouthing you for a long time because that reaction was extreme for just one complaint. I would suggest you just cut ties with her and let her live her life with all the consequences that may come with it. I’m a gen x and we call that tough love.
NTA
next time she pays rent and signs a lease
You didn’t tell her you were doing a clear out and getting rid of everything she left behind before donating it? YTA.
No. No next time ever again
NTA. Don’t allow her to return to your home. She’ll have to figure it out by herself.
This is going to be an ongoing thing in your niece’s life. Cut your losses now
NTA. Your niece is a manipulator. It’s wild how much you’ve done for her, but she still uses your family like it was her own personal utility. I wonder what other lies she has told about you to earn herself little graces from these people.
NTA – You told her you were going to toss or donate anything she left and she never responded. If she wanted anything she should’ve said “I’ll come back for it in (x time) please don’t throw anything out.” And then, as that time approaches, just remind her or ask if she was still coming down to dig through everything. It sounds like she was lying to his family about y’all and that’s why she wasn’t allowed in, but to come back out and say “ill be the bigger persona and allow you to take us out to lunch” like excuse me????? That kind of attitude is atrocious. What the hell is wrong with her.
NTA. Your niece has probably been lying to them about you and your wife from the start. She likely played the victim and made you out to be the cruel aunt and uncle. It may be why the boyfriend’s mother offered her a place to stay.
Sounds like niece lied to BF’s parents about you and your wife. She is covering up her lies.
Lots of missing info. While you took in your niece and nephew, did they feel it’s their home too or was the favor dangling over their head?
You and your wife have conveniently glossed over all the reasons why she moved out. And then promptly treated her stuff like trash, whatever little a teenager can own. Sounds suspiciously like YTA
I bet bf’s mom was told you threw her out both times
Not the AH. Sounds like your niece has a few issues to work through. I would cut contact and leave her to her own devises.
NTA. Several ties with her.
UpdateMe
Who knows what TF niece has told them. I’d bet she’s playing the abused victim card to gain sympathy from her in-laws.
OP after everything you’ve done for this ungrateful little shit you could easily cut the cord and go NC. The other option is to see if you can get in contact with BF’s mom directly and find out what was said.
NTA
NTAH. Your niece is a brat who has probably been lying to her boyfriend’s parents about you. They probably let her come live with them because they thought she was in a bad situation living at your house. Though, your wife seems a little sensitive. Crying because people you’ve never met don’t like you is a little silly.
NTA. Your niece relayed a totally different story to them and made you guys sound awful. She has issues. It won’t work out with the boyfriend and the mother and she’ll need a place to stay. You guys need to decide if you want to continue to have drama in your life.
NTA
Why on earth don’t you just tell her you never want to see or hear from her again? Why the hell would you? You mean nothing to her except someone she can con when she needs to.
NTA! Your niece told them much more than “they donated my old stuff” for them to hate you.
I’d be done with her. She made her choices. She’s an adult. Do NOT let her move back in.
You should not have rid her things. A few totes in the garage or basement would have been appropriate. She’s still a kid. Because of her childhood, it will take her a bit longer to mature. I think an apology to your niece for donating her things would be appropriate. A few basic purchases, not high-end or anything, walmart or target would be a good-faith effort (one-time event) with a stipulated dollar amount. Others will probably have a different approach, but I would do this if I were in your shoes. I wish you all the best.
NTA. I am sorry that your wife had to experience that level of rudeness from your niece. I hope you remember that moment and limit any future help. Niece’s priorities are all jacked up and that is not your fault.
NTA. Your niece is a master manipulator. Cut your losses. Do not stay in contact with her. No cards, letters, birthday/holiday gifts, nothing.
Change the locks on your house. It doesn’t matter if she returned the key when she left. She could have copies. It doesn’t matter that she lives two hours away. She can make the drive and wait for an opportunity to enter when she sees you leave.
Change your passwords for all your accounts and apps.
NTA I am sure she victimized herself to his parents and made you and your wife to be abusers and told a very different story.
She had probably bad mouthed you both before moving in, the reaction her boyfriends mother had to your mere presence indicates this isn’t just about you donating or dumping things abandoned
NTA. You helped her pack. You told her you would donate things she left. She did not say to please hold onto some things.
Cut her off guaranteed she had made up stories about you guys she uses people to get what she wants don’t let her move back when the relationship ends
NTA Your niece has now abused the privilege of using you again. She’s an adult, she’s on her own.
NTA.
The only things that this woman knows about you, your wife or your nephew is what this ungrateful bratty shrew of half grown woman has told her.
You did what you could for someone who didn’t deserve it.
When she comes crying back to you next time – tell her you have no room for her.
And mean it.
Don’t let her back in your home even if she is crying. They’re all probably doing drugs.
She needs life to kick her ass then maybe she’ll see y’all for what you’ve done for her. Sounds like she’s had it so easy she thinks the world revolves around her. Y’all did the best you could and gave her a good life, it suck’s she’s treating yall this way. Hopefully she’ll learn.
Not any more.
NTA your niece is great at burning bridges, when things do not work out, do not let her move back in!
Update me
>She had burned every bridge she had in the town she was living in
Hm. I think we see how that might keep happening. You’re NTA.
NTA, your niece is a selfish little bitch.
Nta
“We have always had the understanding that you are an adult that srongly values her freedom. With this in mind, we did not have any strong reasons to believe that you might feel drawn to the possibility of reclaiming items or wanting to move back in a second time. We were fair with informing you in advance that anything left behind was subject for disposal.
There were always plans to convert your old living space once it was no longer needed. If you knew back then that there was definitely something you would have wanted later we could have teamed up. Arrangements could have been made for shipping or temporarily storing items at another location. You would have simply just had to speak up and advocate for yourself.
Speaking so poorly of us to people about this matter to the point they don’t accept any contact was rather unjust. They did not have the full context. I am afraid that we cannot travel and offer much in the way of help again. I do not want to be trespassed off that property by your partners family and risk having them call the cops on me. Your brother did not deserve to be treated like an outcast from them.”
Wow! That girl’s in for a lot of hurt in her life. Why do I have the feeling that the BF’s mother is going to get shafted like you were. Shalom you’re loved 💔