Alcoholic father ama

Hey so i guess this is my first ever reddit post.
Im from germany, 21m, so please excuse my english.

The reason that i post now? Idk, i thought maybe i will feel better.

It started even before my birth, my dad always was an extremely clever and people pleasing man.
I think sometimes he did it to Deal with the idiots he called his friends. Maybe he was trying to fill a void, idk i was too young and my mom was tryna help hol but he wanted to Drink Anyways because he was a nice guy when he drank.
He wasnt the typical alcoholic, he wasnt aggressive. When he drunk, he was even a better father for me. I will keep this Story short. The Problem is my father was the middle point of our family. He died in feburary 2020, i was hospitalized the week it happened. I was thinking „why do i accept it so good“ and started to tell myself i am not allowed to be sad and to man up for my family. I thought i was doing good until 2023, when my ex broke up with me because apparently im „too emotional unavailable and never Show the real me“. Damn it. It hit me like a truck. The girl i loved the most, that gave me a reason to live, broke up because i tried to ma up too early and now im here. addicted to weed, emotionally unavailabe so extreme that even myself i cant see it. I manipulated myself into thinking im happy and not letting emotions Hit me.
My mother also has trauma. Since 2020, no one can tell her „that is not good“ (sorry for my english.)
What i mean is she cant say for example „whoops thats my fault“. She WILL give the fault me oder anyone or anything else. If shes mad shes like the unfairest person ever. But thats okay she lost her love of her life with 51 and im only 21. sometimes she says its not that Bad for me because i can make a family and for her that its too late because i just lost my father but she lost her man. I understand that.
Idk why im telling reddit that.
I never talked about it with anyone. Not even my ex girlfriend, which was untill 2023 my best friend and the closest person to me by now.
Ama, about my biggest fears, best moments, Just anything.