I honestly can’t believe it. I’ve spent the last 4 years of my life believing and hoping this man would be my future, my family, my home. I feel defeated, ashamed, failed, tired, and questioning why I am here, again. This is the second time a man broke up with me after a 3 to 4 year relationship: I was with someone age 24 to 27 (we also lived together), was 2 years single because I’m very picky and don’t jump into relationships. I don’t like dating, I just want to build a home with someone. Met him when I was 29 and we had a very good time, but life happens and we also went through some hard times. 2 years ago I crashed with a burn-out, which led me to be more emotional and was also hard for him. Today he broke up with me because a lack of intimacy. I’ve changed birth control in December, which had a huge impact on my libido (it’s basically non-existent) and some of his behaviors were off-putting. Before December, our intimate life was good. So for the past 6 months, we only had sex a few times. He never pushed me to do it, but he felt rejected (which I get). But we had several conversations and I was under the impression that we were rebuilding that connection the last couple of weeks. Apparently not.
I feel like I have wasted my time. I feel an immense pressure to have children before a certain age because I’m scared, biologically, it will be too late once I’m “there” or my partner is ready. And I wanted our relationship to move forward. Not towards kids immediately, but towards some other milestones like living together. And I ultimately wanted him to say to me “Let’s go for it, let’s do it, let’s build a life together”. I so much want someone to choose me all day everyday, to be committed to a life together. I do not want to be single, I do not want to go through that whole process of meeting people and figuring it all out. I never thought this is where I’d be at 33, but yet, here I am.