I’ve been working at my company for over 10 years as a senior. I’ve always done my job well, I get along with most people, and honestly, I’ve never had major issues. The company is known for being very progressive, which I’ve always thought was a good thing, strong policies around inclusion, respect, and zero tolerance for harassment. At least, that’s what they say.
About a year ago, a new coworker joined the team, let’s call him J. He’s openly gay, which doesn’t bother me at all. We got along fine at first. But little by little, he started making these weird, inappropriate comments toward me. Stuff like “if you were gay I’d destroy you” or “you’d look amazing in tight jeans.” And he’d say this in front of the team, like during lunch or after meetings.
I tried to brush it off at first. I even told him a few times to stop, nicely. But he didn’t. I got firmer. Still didn’t stop. Everyone else just laughed, like it was a joke, or ignored it. It felt like I was the only one who noticed how messed up it was.
Eventually I went to HR and filed a complaint. He got a warning, and things settled down for a bit. But a few weeks later, the same crap started again. More comments, more innuendos, again in front of others. I reported him again.
This time, I also said something in the company Telegram chat, nothing rude, just that I felt uncomfortable and was seriously thinking about quitting if things didn’t change. That message kind of blew things up. HR got involved again, and eventually, they let him go.
Now everyone’s treating me like the bad guy. Saying I got him fired, that I’m “too sensitive,” or even that I’m homophobic. Like… what?
Let me ask this: if I had said the exact same things to a female coworker, would I still have a job? Hell no. I’d be fired immediately, and nobody would be defending me. So why is it okay when it happens to me?
I didn’t want him fired. I just wanted to feel respected and safe at work. But now I’m the villain, and it honestly sucks.
So yeah, AITA for reporting him and speaking up, even though it got him fired?
Comments
nah dude, u ain’t the bad guy here. like, imagine if it was flipped and u were sayin that stuff to a woman?? ppl would be losin their minds. it’s crazy how double standards work. u tried to handle it nice at first too. he f’ed around and found out.
Not enough Advice when you first posted this an hour ago
Nah that was wild of him, especially being so brazen about it as well as continuing the behavior after an initial report. Sexual harassment is sexual harassment, period. NTA.
NTA. Really though, who does he think he is? You deserve respect and safety at work, period. I’m proud you didn’t take their crap lying down.
Sexual harassment is sexual harassment is sexual harassment! Good grief. It would be no different if this were a straight man or woman doing this to one of the opposite sex. You don’t get a pass on it because you’re gay and you should not.
Nta
“Dear ChatGPT. Write me a homophobic ragebait bullshit story about an inappropriate gay coworker harassing a straight man.”
NTA at all, F/42 says it. He was an AH thinking that company inclusion policy would exempt him from being … an AH.
I am sorry for what others say. They seem to be the same if a woman is harassed the same way.
Just an idea, you are a senior there but what about finding a company where harassment is not that acceptable?
NTA if he was a straight man and you were female it would be sexual harassment but because your guys that’s supposed to be ok and you have to accept it, which is dumb he was sexually harassing you, you didn’t get him fired his own actions did
you definitely intended for him to get fired, no need to lie to yourself or to us. nta
NTA! it’s still sexu@al harassment and dude should have been told by HR to stop all comments of that nature at all.
Sexual harassment is sexual harassment. It does not matter who is doing what to whom. You were uncomfortable, you reported it, it continued, then results happened. You are not at fault.
Your coworkers are idiots.
NTA, he did it because he didn’t think it was a problem and never took it seriously. This is what happens to women as well. I’m glad he got fired. Men like him need to learn. People who think you’re the bad guy are assholes and would probably do the same thing to someone else which is why they don’t see a problem with it.
NTA. Harrassment is harrassment.
That’s sexual harassment and its not OK, It doesn’t matter what sex you or the other party are.
He was warned his crass remarks were unwanted and told to stop. He didn’t. His fault.
If you are uncomfortable its sexual harassment NO MATTER THE GENDERS/SEXUALITIES
NTA. He had the opportunity to modify his behaviour, but chose not to. The guy was a fool.
Nta he acted inappropriately and what he did was SA that’s why he got fired
Not the AH he FAFO. Good Luck and stand your ground.
It’s not easy being a whistleblower but it has to be done
NTA. You didn’t get him fired. You let HR know what was going on. They got a few complaints and realized this guy was out of line. HR saw he was a liability and that the company could end up with some bad publicity or a lawsuit so they fired him to limit their liability.
And you’re right about comparing this situation to a similar one involving a female coworker. Imagine being at work with a group of your coworkers and singling out one woman to say, “You’d look really hot in a short, tight dress and heels.” Talk about sensitive.
NTA. You were being sexually harassed. I’m so sorry your coworkers don’t have your back.
Sexual harassment, sexual harassment. It is unwanted sexual advances from a coworker. NTA.
NTA. It is textbook sexual harassment. Tell your boss what your coworkers are saying because it is retaliation and could be seen as creating a hostile work environment. If there had not been training, you should tell your boss that your office should get some so everyone can feel comfortable and safe at work.
I would be talking to HR about how people are now treating you from your sexual harassment case
Nta
Let’s start documentation because your coworkers are now making your work life difficult because you reported harassment to HR.
NTA. But your experience is similar to what women deal with after someone gets punished for harassment. They get harassed by colleagues for being too sensitive and not having thicker skin. They’d probably do the same thing if you were a woman in this situation.
Im sorry you dealt with that. Its grossly inappropriate to discuss someone in a sexual manner that doesnt like it. Glad he got fired, he deserves it.
Oh hell no you’re nta…what he did would’ve made anyone uncomfortable and you’re right if this had been a dude saying that crap to a woman it would’ve been equally as gross and offensive
You’re NTA, you have the right to feel safe not harassed at work. Doesn’t matter if they’re gay, straight, man or woman, harassment is harassment, your coworkers will either see how wrong it is or they can go have intercourse with themselves
If you weren’t such a bleeding heart liberal – when he said you’d look good in tight pants if you were gay – you could have nipped it in the bud by saying well it’s a darn good thing I’m not gay I don’t like tight pants on anybody. You hit one inappropriate remark with a better inappropriate remark that gets your point across. Can’t always bleed your heart out for people who are inappropriate to you just because they happen to be gay.
NTA at all. You’re 100% correct. If you were a woman and he was aging those things to you, he would have been fired right away. It’s not homophobic to point out sexual harassment just because it’s coming from someone of the same gender
Nta. You were harassed. And just because someone is gay, that does not mean they can’t sexually harass you. To be honest, I think calling you homophobic is an uneducated and dismissive statement. He made you uncomfortable, you asked politely, he continued, you went to he, he stoped for two weeks, he then started up again, you voiced a genuine feeling of being uncomfortable and hr deemed his behavior enough to be fired. If the workers continue to blame the victim, which they are doing, I was alert hr, wrote everything down that has happened and contact a lawyer. This is a hostile work environment.
Men can absolutely be harassed. Men can absolutely harass other men. And people that are gay can also harass people. You can’t be progressive and open and not understand that anyone is capable of being harassed and of harassing.
didnt read. if he harassed you, he deserved to be fired <3
NTA. You didn’t get him fired. His own behavior took care of that
NTA. And tell HR about the people harassing you over this. They need to be dealt with too.
NTA. I’m a gay man and do not think this is homophobic at all! He got himself fired, period. Harassment is harassment. It’s a hypocritical double standard to blame you for not just accepting public sexual harassment because you are a straight man. He it had been a woman, it would still be harassment.
I wonder what your reaction would be if it came from a straight female?
Yeah, it was petty to get your ex bf fired. He must have been fuckin your brains out for him to be slapping your ass around the job site all day like that
Nope.
Nope, NTA. He was being inappropriate. You asked him to stop, he didn’t. HE got involved. He STILL didn’t stop. He got fired. Everyone’s his fault, all he had to do was keep his mouth shut.
You asked him to stop. More than once. You handled it privately. Then formally. Then publicly because nothing else worked.
This isn’t about him being gay. It’s about him crossing lines and ignoring clear boundaries in a professional setting. If the roles were reversed, no one would be calling you “too sensitive.” They’d be calling you HR’s new best friend.
You didn’t get him fired. His own behaviour did. You gave him every chance to fix it.
The “too sensitive” crowd? Ignore them. That’s just guilt-deflecting. They weren’t the target, so they laughed it off.
Advice: Document everything, even now. If anyone continues to harass or isolate you for speaking up, that’s retaliation and HR should be looped in again.
Nta
Also: being gay, or whatever gender has nothing to do with (sexual) harassment.
As an older gay man, I agree with what you did. Some idiots just don;t know when to keep their traps shut!!!
He was sexually harassing you! NTA! No matter of any gender you never ever make comments like that to coworkers or anyone for that matter wtf
Nah, NTA he got himself fired
NTA ..Welp.. actions have consequences and now he knows.
This post is a Key and Peele skit right?
NTA and the women that this usually happens to isn’t one either . Also would like to say that this is the woman’s perspective. The roles aren’t reversed exactly it’s putting you in a woman’s shoes . And not many get up and arms over it sorry to tell you . Most don’t do anything but avoid the situation entirely if possible. I won’t even get into how all the other things thrown in.
Fuck no you’re NTA. It doesn’t matter if you’re the same gender, he was literally harassing you. Sorry you had to deal with that:(
not at all,
There’s a social double-standard towards men because they’re assumed to be more flattered by sexual advances, and less discomforted by unwanted ones.
In the eyes of the law, unwanted sexual advances are unwanted. Period.
NTA. Good riddance.