Hi,
I (36F) have been active on the dating apps for about four months now. I am on the scene after a marriage and relationship of 10 years. I am fairly comfortable with initiating good conversations on the apps, and have been on a handful of nice first dates. There is a lot of excitement and interest in the first meeting, and almost always a plan to meet again. The second dates also go very well. We laugh, we share memories, we discuss things. They initiate texts and there’s daily texting. I can always sense a lot of eagerness from the men in the initial days. However, somewhere around the time of getting exclusive, the men back out saying they see me as a lovely woman but feel things are platonic. I am really not sure what I am doing wrong.
But what they say does check out. I feel somewhere I am giving a very non-sexual, good girl vibe, and the men even feel hesitant to ask me to kiss. I am not sure if this image springs from my profession (I am a teacher), my dressing (I dress comfortably and don’t think I have worn anything too ‘sexy’ on the dates), or just my general demeanor (usually described as polite, sweet, too formal and nice). I am not prudish or conservative or anything, but I like to take my time before getting intimate and don’t enjoy sex outside an exclusive relationship. But I am definitely up for a good kiss by date 2/3, and I have often wondered why it is not happening. Maybe the next time I should just initiate?
Please tell me what else could be missing. I am genuinely flummoxed. I can be flirty over text, but perhaps what I think is flirty is still too tepid? I just want to give a more ‘open’ vibe, and not sure how to do it. Sometimes even by date 3 or 4, these guys apologize if we kind of bump into each other, and I wonder what is it that makes them feel so sexually reserved around me. There has always been genuine respect, affection and care from these guys. I feel so lost! đ How do I loosen up?
(If it helps, I have had a traumatic divorce, and I have been told by friends I have become more quiet over the course of it. But I have taken my time (4 years) to heal and go to therapy, and I feel ready again)
Comments
Don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, so much as weeding out the men who only want to get into your pants. If that’s not what you want, then you’re actually doing everything right – it’s just a slow and cumbersome process a lot of the time đ˘
If you want men to make more moves on you, you have to signal that you’re open to those moves being made (or simply make them yourself).
Itâs possible itâs just a compatibility issue.
However, if you want to kiss a guy by date 3 and he seems receptive, thereâs no reason why you shouldnât.
My experience in the dating world is that men typically donât want to wait for exclusivity to have sex. They want to have sex to see if they want to be exclusive. I would say if you are getting to date 4 or 5 and havenât given them the indication that you would be open to sex they just move on.
Given that isnât what you are looking for, this is just the trash taking itself out. A guy will come along that is looking for the same thing you are, it might just take a while. And in the mean time you are probably going to have to sort through a lot of trash.
Your profession definitely isnât it. Many of my good friends are teachers, and men they date are very sexual with them early on (welcomed and unwelcomed).
It really could just be a compatibility issue. Itâs only been 4 months, so I assume you havenât been gone on 4-5 dates each with that many men.
As for wanting to give a more âopen vibe,â Iâd dig more into whatâs holding you back. Is it a confidence issue, a trust issue, or is it just not âyouâ? Is this view of yourself even accurate? For example, Iâve always seen myself as quiet and reserved and have been told this, but my fiance was shocked that thatâs how I thought I came across on our first date because he genuinely thought I was outgoing, charming, warm, and bubbly. It sounds like youâre going to therapy, so I hope you can talk this through there. Or is there a friend you trust who you can talk this through, even show the flirty texts to to get their assessment?
I have a realllly hard time with this exact thing, including with guys who are otherwise interested in dating relationships (i.e. not just trying to get laid). I have always been a bit of a tomboy and work in male dominated professions/hobbies so my natural demeanor with men is putting myself in a non-sexual neutral manner. Lots of my closest friends are platonic male relationships so itâs not really natural for me to try to signal myself as sexually/romantically available.
The only way Iâm learning to somewhat mitigate it is by turning up my âflirtingâ as much as possible when I am in dating situations. I remove language I use with my guy friends (like calling them dude/bro/man/etc). I try to turn up my femininity as much as possible with my makeup and outfits. Iâll listen to Lana Del Rey before dates or other artists that make me feel sexy and feminine. This isnât to say we need to conform to gender roles to be sexy, but if I donât I find myself falling into Bro Girl mode and get myself friend zoned pretty quickly like youâre talking about. So I position it to myself as exploring other sides of myself. I push myself to be a little more bold about making physical contact, flirty jokes, and showing blatant interest instead of trying to be coy.
Anyway, it hasnât been entirely successful yet but weâre all a work in progress ya know.
You may be well served by posting this in r/AskMenover30 and getting their answers.
Are you experiencing any mutual attraction and/or physical intimacy on dates? A touch on the arm or knee? A lingering hug? Giving them a compliment on their appearance (this goes a long way with a lot of men)?
One of my favorite moves at the end of the date when saying goodbye is waiting for that pre-goodbye eye contact and then saying, âWould you like to kiss me?â Works every time.
Another move I like is if a date is going on for a while (and I feel comfortable and attracted) saying, âI think we should get out of here and go make out.â
I prefer to wait a bit before getting naked with someone, but I also like to talk about sex before we become intimate, so I communicate my interest in conversation. I feel it helps me assess sexual compatibility and assert myself as a sexual person without moving too fast.
In my experience, guys are like an airplane that is desperate to find a runway to land on…
So the more explicitly you tell them that they are welcome to approach, the more they will be into that.
Guys that are kind and respectful are also REALLY trying hard to not spook a lady, and they have most likely read things wrong a few times in their lives…
So the kindest thing you can so it overtly, explicitly, directly state; “I’m curious to see a little more romance from you.” or “If you asked to kiss me, I’d say yes.”
You DO want to dress conventionally attractive & feminine. Men read that as “Maybe she wants some dick? Wait, I have dick! Maybe she wants MY dick?! Oh Boy!!!”
You absolutely should still be comfortable, but the sexy, girlie version of comfortable.
So if you normally wear leggings, no makeup, and hiking shoes, hair in a claw clip.
Just go more sexy, Yoga pants, paired with an off the shoulder top, sandals showing pretty feet, and hair half up half, with some lipstick and mascara… says “date” not “gym”.
If you wear jeans, pair it with a peasant blouse, an updo, and dangly earrings… a little shimmer eye shadow and a lip-stain.
The point of the outfit is to strength the “approach now please” sign.
How long have you been single? If less than 6 months, odds are the good ones want to make sure you are truly healed and over your ex. It’s a hard reality – but many of the best men will not want to engage in a meaningful relationship with someone still processing through a breakup, even if one insists they are over it.
The fact they are friend zoning you – but not cutting you off – may be the indication (at least from the good ones who are actually willing to think this hard about any of it)
I agree with the top comment about taking the trash out. Youâre not doing anything wrong. Dating is inscrutable and really hard after a LT relationship.Â
That said, why donât you try to feel more sexy within yourself? Get an awesome facial, highlight your hair, splurge on nice underwear, join a yoga class, buy some good sex toys, get a really nice cocktail dress, even if you just wear it out to dinner with friends. From my experience men do tend to be more visually stimulated and while I dress for the girls, I do try to be actively sexy every now and then. At the risk of being essentialist: women often have a more narrative and emotional approach to sex; men are more triggered by appearance. Itâs good to give off the impression that you can play with this part of sex and desire, that passion doesnât have to be coaxed from you, and that even tho you donât want to fuck around, you know how to be sultry and sexy and self possessed with the right guy.Â
Good luck!!!
How many dates are ok for you to start to talk about exclusive? Did you mention about your ex often during the chats? Do they know that youâre looking for serious relationship?âŚ
Honestly there are a lot of factors to it but my conclusion is you guys donât have the same interests or compatibility,thatâs why it slipped through. Donât loose your hope though,the right one will come along as long as you know what you want and keep your boundaries.
My only advice is too maybe dress a tad sexier for dates. Think of it as setting the stage for romance. Also, if you are ready to kiss goodnight on dates 1-3, do think you could initiate it?
Also, I would keep doing what you are doing but donât text so much that there is no urgency to see you. Once you have that date, text just enough to get that next date. Thatâs the pointâkeep up the tension and get those dates. You donât have to play games or be rude, but you also donât have to small talk when you donât need to. Give him the dopamine hits but also give him a reason to ask you out rather than just being an amazing listener or source of attention over text.
Use moments of quiet in person to flirt or make a move. Twirl hair, touch their arms, take their hand, even lean in and kiss. Practice doing what YOU want.
There is a very common âideaâ that by date three men expect to have sex. Many men will take it as you not seeing anything in them or the relationship being a non priority if you havenât had sex by date 3. Are there exceptions to this rule? Of course, however itâs kind of an expectation that sex happens around date 3. Of course donât let that push you to have sex but I expect that is whatâs happening for you.
I think a lot of men this age have left dead bedrooms, so theyâre looking to have sex quickly and often. They got rejected regularly by their wife or LTR and are terrified of it happening again, so if no instant sexual attraction, they back away.
Itâs them overcompensating. Doubt itâs anything youâre doing, or not doing.
Honestly, most men arenât going to wait until 2-3 dates for a âgood kissâ, knowing that sex is probably still a distant ways off from that. Iâm not saying you should give in when you donât feel comfortable doing so, but you are going to have to wade through a lot of men to find the right guy who is willing to be that patient.
If you want to kiss someone, why wouldnât you just initiate?
It has nothing to do with how you dress. I’ve been out clubbing in sexy outfits, jeans and T-shirt and once even in snowpants in a gay night club (it was a spontaneous decision to go after the Christmas market). Sure, the sexy outfits initially get more attention, but usually the wrong kind of attention. I was still being flirty with men just the same and I had no problem striking up a conversation or finding a stranger to kiss for the evening, even in snowpants.
Do you even fancy them? Iâve found that if I have chemistry, flirting and physical touch and teasing is superrr easy and comes naturally but Iâll close off if I donât
Just my 2 cents, but perhaps you are being so formal and friendly that the guys just lose interest? Since they want to meet you again and text with you, you clearly got the basics going. But in my experience, in order to to awaken romantic interest and spark, there needs to be a good amount of mutual flirting and banter going on. Iâve been on dates which felt like job interviews and the guys gave me nothing to work with. Even if I found them physically attractive, I canât bring myself to be interested if the whole exchange is like a business meeting.
Of course, you canât force yourself to be flirty if you are not comfortable with it. Thereâs nothing wrong with wanting to take it slow and explore potential love interests through friendship. I think you just have to find likeminded guys or get to know men in neutral contexts like through friends and hobbies which takes off the pressure of dating.