I‘m an exchange student in Canada. I have a Host sister that is also 18 years old. She goes to a different school, but we still spend time together, I mean i live in her house. About a month ago we were really close. When we were home alone, we were regularly making out, she used to come to my room, we cuddled, and i even went down in her a few times. No sex.
Unfortunately that kind of faded, i don‘t know why. She stopped coming to my room, we didn‘t kiss, not even any hugs etc. There was a time where she actually acted annoyed when she saw me. When I finally talked to her about it, she said first of all it could get me deported if someone found out. Also, she‘s trying to make it easier for her when i leave, by just not liking me i guess? I wish i could control my emotions that way, but i can‘t. Even the days i don‘t really talk to her, i like her more and more.
I miss spending time with her, obviously i also miss the intimacy, but in general, when k get a signal that she likes me, like an „i miss you“ text, that makes my day.
Now here‘s the question. I‘ve never been in a serious relationship. Also never seriously liked a girl. I don‘t know if i‘m actually falling in love with her? She‘s all i think about, i overthink every action she takes, and it‘s hard to like her like i do and not annoying or clingy 24/7.
I want to tell her that i‘d much rather use our time than waste it because it might hurt later.
Am i in love?
Btw I yesterday i wrote a letter to get my thoughts and feelings about her on paper. It ended up being 1045 words long. If someone wants to read it i‘d be happy to share it.
Comments
No one can say if you are in love or not but you. Do I think it’s Love idk maybe infatuation. The deportation comment to me is weird and I’m also not sure entirely accurate. I might be interpreting it wrong but it sounds like to me She doesn’t want to catch feelings because you will be leaving and in that case while this is hurtful, I do think that’s smart unless you plan on staying.
Tough to say for sure you’re super young so I would say not truly in love but that’s just my opinion.
She’s being mature and you should follow her example. Stay busy, make plans for the future, and don’t let yourself obsess over her. Find anything else to think about. She told you no, accept it respectfully and gracefully.
You never know, I had a friend who ended up marrying the son of the family she stayed with as an exchange student. Nothing happened while an exchange student. But it was after high school and college, they reconnected. If they had messed up, you can bet that they never would’ve been given the chance to reconnect (by the government, parents, etc).
It sounds like she might have just lost feelings, and made up a lie to not hurt your feelings/avoid confrontation.
Is it developing love? Possibly but also maybe not, you are both very young still and the odds are unlikely -little no guarantee any potential relationship would be successful long term or as an adult relationship.
You also need to consider the reason you may have these strong feelings – Proximity fosters closer relationships and greater/deeper development of feelings. It’s just by circumstance you two happen to be in close proximity. There’s certainly physical attraction, but relationships only work if two peoples lives coincide and work well together. A lot of the success of relationships is really logistics, shared/mutal life goals, shared locations, shared college locations and careers that work well together. Having schedules that align and being able to spend enough time together. That’s why long distance often doesn’t work out long term for most couples. And being young, you have no idea what may happen or where your education and career paths will lead you in the next 10 years, you both still haven’t fully discovered who you are as adults (that’s a huge part of your 20s) or know what your futures will be.
Also, another huge factor is intimacy, and understanding its role and impact on the emotional connection and feelings you have towards another person. The fact that you two had the level of physical intimacy you’ve had (even tho no sex yet) has a significant impact on your hormones and perceived emotions or feelings of love. It’s not a bad thing, just something to recognize and keep in mind. It obviously impacts the way you feel about her and the closeness you two have had. If intimacy hadn’t been involved, it’s a possibility you wouldn’t feel as strong of a connection/love for her to the same degree. The addition of physical intimacy on emotional perception is something everyone of all ages struggles dealing with, and complicates judgment on if we really truly love someone. That’s why there’s those whole troupes of “first loves” and “who we lost our virginity to” and why those relationships are more difficult to get over and move on from. And why hookup culture is often emotionally unhealthy or difficult. It’s actually probably a good thing you two haven’t had sex yet, for many reasons, including breaking rules/laws as well as more complicated feelings associated with that.
Part of being young and dealing w/figuring out your first early romantic relationships in life is learning to handle and navigating very strong hard to control emotions and feelings. Part of this is hormones (cliche I know) and it’s also inexperience navigating these emotional experiences and figuring out what to feel. You will get more experienced and gain greater emotional intelligence/maturity with age, you will get so much better at it. To me, it sounds like it’s too young and too early to really know wether or not it’s truly love or the kind of love that’s mature enough or necessary for a successful long term relationship. If it’s really love tho, it won’t end just because you don’t immediately jump into a romantic relationship right now, if anything- if it’s real love it will continue and grow for a long time. And you should protect and foster it for the future, and be patient. Don’t rush it, cherish it, and let it grow so that someday when you’re both older it’ll work out.
I think she recognizes this, realizes developing a deeper romantic relationship is an unwise decision, realizes it’s risky and against certain rules, and has decided she doesn’t want to go further with it.
As hard as it may be, you also need to respect her feelings and her decision about your relationship. She’s backing off, so clearly she’s decided she doesn’t want to or thinks it’s not a good idea. Respect what she thinks, don’t let your own personal feelings overshadow what she wants too. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is realize when you need to let someone/thing go <3
It’s a smart decision to not pursue fleeting relationships or flings that ultimately won’t realistically work out, and avoid or minimize the emotional heartbreak. She’s right to feel that way. Since you haven’t had very much relationship experience yet, you probably haven’t dealt with that yet or learned that lesson. Trust me, it hurts so much more and is psychologically/emotionally stressful and difficult to go thru those things. It’s 100% smarter and more responsible to avoid turbulent or dramatic heartbreak – and much better to get over the feelings now instead of the level/strength of romantic feelings you’d have when you’ve developed a much deeper and more significant romantic relationship together. The pain isn’t worth it.
Personally I would recommend to try not to be blinded by emotion as much as you can, and try to step back and look at the situation logically. You don’t need to pursue or force a romantic relationship to happen immediately right now. Realistically it sounds like a bad idea that could jeopardize your future, and potentially impact the Host family too. Could cause so many issues for the host parents, could get the Host sister in trouble w her parents, and if so could COMPLETELY DESTROY ANY FUTURE RELATIONSHIP w her.
She doesn’t seem to be interested or want to pursue a romantic relationship with you right now for various legitimate and realistic reasons, just respect that.
Just stay in contact with her, stay friends. When the host program is over, if you still really want to be with her, then you can pursue it. See where your lives take you. If it’s really meant to be, it’ll happen. Go visit her after, look at careers/schools where you’ll end up crossing paths in the future. Grow up as people and pursue your own bright futures.
What are the actual rules and laws concerning minors, host families for Canadian exchange students? What are the consequences for each of the parties involved? Would it have negative consequences or impact for Host sister or the Host parents/guardians? Could there be punishments/future bans and restrictions/ expulsion from future host programs or any sort of financial or legal implications for the Host family? What about your family, your education, your future ability to visit again, maintaining a good relationship with Host sisters family?
You need to consider and prioritize the consequences and effects that your actions may possibly have on others and yourself. Don’t rush or force things that are against the rules/laws, or could cause irreparable damage or harm to the relationships you have now. Just be patient.
Don’t go making a mess of things and making dumb decisions by letting emotions get the best of you, think smart think logically and think longterm success.
“i even went down in her a few times. No sex.”
Bruh…..?