TW: Talks of possible SA!
Hi everyone, first time poster here. I’ve gone over what I should name this post at least a dozen times, but this is the best I come up with. All names in this story are changed for the sake of privacy. Also, I’m not a very good storyteller, and some parts are kind of blurry to me, so I apologize.
Okay, so 3 years ago (I was 19)…My friend Nina and I had a small get-together at her house for her birthday with her boyfriend (Jake) and 2 friends from the place we worked, Nate and Tyler.
Everything was going well. There was music, food, and some alcohol. I didn’t drink anything because I didn’t really want to, and I wanted to be sober in case I needed to come home for my child, who was with my parents (they urged me to get out and be with friends, lol, I never really went out).
We were all in her dining room/ living room having fun and just talking. So, at one point, our friend Nate and Nina’s boyfriend, Jake, went to another room to talk. I’m still not sure what they were talking about, but they went to talk about something. Nina told me she’d be right back and that she was going to use the restroom. That left me alone with our friend, Tyler. I had only just met Tyler a few weeks before because he started working where Nina and I worked. He seemed super sweet!
Nina had told me that she and he had known each other for years and even said that if she wasn’t with Jake, she’d probably try to date him. Anyway, I don’t remember what exactly led to it, but we went from talking to him asking me to dance. I said that I didn’t really dance. But he insisted that it was just for fun. Tyler kept telling me that I looked beautiful and that my boyfriend, Luke, was so lucky. I thanked him, but I was kind of at a loss for words as I was sort of uncomfortable. He spun me around, held me close to him, and whispered in my ear, “You’re so gorgeous,” and put a small kiss on my neck.
I was really uncomfortable, and I started to walk away, but he pulled me back and held me there, saying with the music. Nina opened the bathroom door, so I said I had to go to the bathroom and he let go. I immediately walked to the bathroom, pulled Nina in there, and asked her to shut the door. I told her how he just made me uncomfortable and I was so overwhelmed that I began to cry. She told me that I needed to calm down, that he probably didn’t mean any harm, that he’d been drinking, and that she’d talk to him about it, and she left the bathroom.
I stayed in there for a moment to calm myself before going back to the dining room/ living room. Everyone was back in the same room and conversation continued.
Later on, and forgive me because again, I don’t quite remember how we got from point A to point B, we were all in Nina and Jake’s room talking about random things with one another. Nate and Jake walked out to smoke and talk outside of the house. It was only Nina, Tyler, and Myself in the room with the door only open a crack. Nina and I were sitting on the edge of her bed and Tyler was standing in front of us.
Tyler told Nina and I that were “hot as fuck” and that any guy dating us is lucky. He pushed Nina down on the bed and they started giggling. I was a little uncomfortable as I knew that Nina was dating Jake and this was odd behavior. But she was pretty intoxicated, but I thought she was still okay. He looked at me and said, “I didn’t forget about you, baby.” And pushed me onto the bed too. Before I could sit up, he was leaning on top of me and trying to kiss me. I didn’t know what to do, I froze like an idiot and only moved my head. He placed a couple kisses on my neck. Then placed a kiss on my boob and then bit my boob. Right after that, he moved over Nina and did the same to her but she didn’t seem to care.
He got off and just stood there talking to us like nothing happened. I remember sitting up and just staring at the holes in my jeans. I’m not sure how much time passed, but Jake and Nate came back into the room. I asked Nate to sit beside me and I whispered that Tyler was making me uncomfortable. He pulled Jake aside and let him know too. Then Nate took Tyler out of the room and started a conversation back in the dining room. Nina went with them, not seeming to really care about what just happened.
Jake started asking me what was going on. I was shaking and started to cry while explaining it to him. I felt so disgusting. Did I just cheat on my boyfriend, Luke? Did I do something to make him think I wanted that? Why didn’t I just leave? Why didn’t I call someone to come get me? What is going on?
Soon Nate entered the room. He and Jake tried their best to calm me down and keep Tyler out. Tyler did try to come in and talk to me and, I think, apologize, but Jake and Nate told him no and said that wasn’t a good idea. It’s good to note that I never did tell them what he did to Nina. I’m not sure why, but I still hate myself for not doing that. I think it’s because Jake was scary when he was mad and I didn’t want him to hurt anyone, which I could see happening. (I wanted to add that Nina wanted out of their relationship but also didn’t at the same time. It was really complicated, but I supported her regardless.)
After a little while, Jake and Nate convinced Tyler that it might be time to go home. He seemed upset but agreed. I spent the night there, but I didn’t really sleep. I stayed up crying and feeling disgusted with myself. I was mad that I didn’t just stick up for myself or leave. I felt violated. I tried to just blame the alcohol and get over it, but I couldn’t. (Another tidbit of info, my boyfriend became friends with Tyler. Tyler apologized to him about everything…then tried to convince my boyfriend and our other mutual friends that I made everything up. Luke then stopped talking to Tyler.)
Fast forward to a month ago, I signed up to coach my child’s t-ball team. I’m so excited to do this for them! The league treasurer called me and explained that there would be a roster change as one parent requested their child be taken off my team immediately. I was so confused because the Child’s and parent’s names weren’t familiar to me. The treasurer explained that the parent said that I had some kind of drama with their sibling. I’m nosey, so I wanted to find out who they were, how they knew me, and what the drama was.
I looked up the parent’s name on the blue letter app and searched through our mutual friends. I contacted one of our mutuals and asked them who they were and who their sibling was. The mutual pulled through and told me the name of the parent’s sibling….it was none other than Tyler. Okay, that’s fine; I don’t have to coach your sibling’s kid; all is good.
With our t-ball league, all 3 of our teams sometimes practice together, and we play games together. This is because we don’t have enough kids. The treasurer was sure to tell the parent about that, and they said that was okay.
Well, last night, we had a practice (our 2nd one with all 3 teams). Everything was okay until the child in question looked at me and said “Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me”. Very direct, very understood. That’s fine. I went to the coach of that Child’s team and said, “Can we swap spots? I can’t be around [redacted].”, to which the coach said they and the other coach already knew that because the parent talked to them and said that their child is NOT allowed near me.
Why did this hurt me? Where I work currently, I’m with children nearly every day. I would NEVER treat a child differently because of something their family member did to me! Hell, I don’t even hold it against the parent! They weren’t there, it’s not their fault!
But I still blame myself for everything. I never called the police and reported what Tyler did. I didn’t want to ruin his life if it truly was a drunken mistake or something. I didn’t want to ruin someone’s life, period. I’m not even sure if that’s something I should report…maybe it’s not as serious as it felt. And I’m sure if I was that parent and MY sibling told me that someone lied about them doing something, I may be protective too. But I don’t think I’d personally keep my child away from them unless I knew FACTS… but I also don’t want my child harmed. I see so many sides of this and I’m very lost.
So, please help me understand, was what happened MY fault? Do I have the right to feel kind of hurt? I guess I feel like I’m being punished for something. I’m sorry this was so long, but it’s time I got this off my chest and asked for some advice.
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Backup of the post’s body: TW: Talks of possible SA!
Hi everyone, first time poster here. I’ve gone over what I should name this post at least a dozen times, but this is the best I come up with. All names in this story are changed for the sake of privacy. Also, I’m not a very good storyteller, and some parts are kind of blurry to me, so I apologize.
Okay, so 3 years ago (I was 19)…My friend Nina and I had a small get-together at her house for her birthday with her boyfriend (Jake) and 2 friends from the place we worked, Nate and Tyler.
Everything was going well. There was music, food, and some alcohol. I didn’t drink anything because I didn’t really want to, and I wanted to be sober in case I needed to come home for my child, who was with my parents (they urged me to get out and be with friends, lol, I never really went out).
We were all in her dining room/ living room having fun and just talking. So, at one point, our friend Nate and Nina’s boyfriend, Jake, went to another room to talk. I’m still not sure what they were talking about, but they went to talk about something. Nina told me she’d be right back and that she was going to use the restroom. That left me alone with our friend, Tyler. I had only just met Tyler a few weeks before because he started working where Nina and I worked. He seemed super sweet!
Nina had told me that she and he had known each other for years and even said that if she wasn’t with Jake, she’d probably try to date him. Anyway, I don’t remember what exactly led to it, but we went from talking to him asking me to dance. I said that I didn’t really dance. But he insisted that it was just for fun. Tyler kept telling me that I looked beautiful and that my boyfriend, Luke, was so lucky. I thanked him, but I was kind of at a loss for words as I was sort of uncomfortable. He spun me around, held me close to him, and whispered in my ear, “You’re so gorgeous,” and put a small kiss on my neck.
I was really uncomfortable, and I started to walk away, but he pulled me back and held me there, saying with the music. Nina opened the bathroom door, so I said I had to go to the bathroom and he let go. I immediately walked to the bathroom, pulled Nina in there, and asked her to shut the door. I told her how he just made me uncomfortable and I was so overwhelmed that I began to cry. She told me that I needed to calm down, that he probably didn’t mean any harm, that he’d been drinking, and that she’d talk to him about it, and she left the bathroom.
I stayed in there for a moment to calm myself before going back to the dining room/ living room. Everyone was back in the same room and conversation continued.
Later on, and forgive me because again, I don’t quite remember how we got from point A to point B, we were all in Nina and Jake’s room talking about random things with one another. Nate and Jake walked out to smoke and talk outside of the house. It was only Nina, Tyler, and Myself in the room with the door only open a crack. Nina and I were sitting on the edge of her bed and Tyler was standing in front of us.
Tyler told Nina and I that were “hot as fuck” and that any guy dating us is lucky. He pushed Nina down on the bed and they started giggling. I was a little uncomfortable as I knew that Nina was dating Jake and this was odd behavior. But she was pretty intoxicated, but I thought she was still okay. He looked at me and said, “I didn’t forget about you, baby.” And pushed me onto the bed too. Before I could sit up, he was leaning on top of me and trying to kiss me. I didn’t know what to do, I froze like an idiot and only moved my head. He placed a couple kisses on my neck. Then placed a kiss on my boob and then bit my boob. Right after that, he moved over Nina and did the same to her but she didn’t seem to care.
He got off and just stood there talking to us like nothing happened. I remember sitting up and just staring at the holes in my jeans. I’m not sure how much time passed, but Jake and Nate came back into the room. I asked Nate to sit beside me and I whispered that Tyler was making me uncomfortable. He pulled Jake aside and let him know too. Then Nate took Tyler out of the room and started a conversation back in the dining room. Nina went with them, not seeming to really care about what just happened.
Jake started asking me what was going on. I was shaking and started to cry while explaining it to him. I felt so disgusting. Did I just cheat on my boyfriend, Luke? Did I do something to make him think I wanted that? Why didn’t I just leave? Why didn’t I call someone to come get me? What is going on?
Soon Nate entered the room. He and Jake tried their best to calm me down and keep Tyler out. Tyler did try to come in and talk to me and, I think, apologize, but Jake and Nate told him no and said that wasn’t a good idea. It’s good to note that I never did tell them what he did to Nina. I’m not sure why, but I still hate myself for not doing that. I think it’s because Jake was scary when he was mad and I didn’t want him to hurt anyone, which I could see happening. (I wanted to add that Nina wanted out of their relationship but also didn’t at the same time. It was really complicated, but I supported her regardless.)
After a little while, Jake and Nate convinced Tyler that it might be time to go home. He seemed upset but agreed. I spent the night there, but I didn’t really sleep. I stayed up crying and feeling disgusted with myself. I was mad that I didn’t just stick up for myself or leave. I felt violated. I tried to just blame the alcohol and get over it, but I couldn’t. (Another tidbit of info, my boyfriend became friends with Tyler. Tyler apologized to him about everything…then tried to convince my boyfriend and our other mutual friends that I made everything up. Luke then stopped talking to Tyler.)
Fast forward to a month ago, I signed up to coach my child’s t-ball team. I’m so excited to do this for them! The league treasurer called me and explained that there would be a roster change as one parent requested their child be taken off my team immediately. I was so confused because the Child’s and parent’s names weren’t familiar to me. The treasurer explained that the parent said that I had some kind of drama with their sibling. I’m nosey, so I wanted to find out who they were, how they knew me, and what the drama was.
I looked up the parent’s name on the blue letter app and searched through our mutual friends. I contacted one of our mutuals and asked them who they were and who their sibling was. The mutual pulled through and told me the name of the parent’s sibling….it was none other than Tyler. Okay, that’s fine; I don’t have to coach your sibling’s kid; all is good.
With our t-ball league, all 3 of our teams sometimes practice together, and we play games together. This is because we don’t have enough kids. The treasurer was sure to tell the parent about that, and they said that was okay.
Well, last night, we had a practice (our 2nd one with all 3 teams). Everything was okay until the child in question looked at me and said “Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me”. Very direct, very understood. That’s fine. I went to the coach of that Child’s team and said, “Can we swap spots? I can’t be around [redacted].”, to which the coach said they and the other coach already knew that because the parent talked to them and said that their child is NOT allowed near me.
Why did this hurt me? Where I work currently, I’m with children nearly every day. I would NEVER treat a child differently because of something their family member did to me! Hell, I don’t even hold it against the parent! They weren’t there, it’s not their fault!
But I still blame myself for everything. I never called the police and reported what Tyler did. I didn’t want to ruin his life if it truly was a drunken mistake or something. I didn’t want to ruin someone’s life, period. I’m not even sure if that’s something I should report…maybe it’s not as serious as it felt. And I’m sure if I was that parent and MY sibling told me that someone lied about them doing something, I may be protective too. But I don’t think I’d personally keep my child away from them unless I knew FACTS… but I also don’t want my child harmed. I see so many sides of this and I’m very lost.
So, please help me understand, was what happened MY fault? Do I have the right to feel kind of hurt? I guess I feel like I’m being punished for something. I’m sorry this was so long, but it’s time I got this off my chest and asked for some advice.
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It’s not your fault. He knows what he did and is keeping you from telling others.
Okay so what I’m getting here is that you damaged his fragile ego by telling his friends he’s a bad person so now he’s going out of his way to make you seem like the bad guy and get in your head. I really think you should just ignore this and not give him the attention he clearly craves. If it escalates, then I’d probably report it to someone but for now, you shouldn’t give him the time of day because he’s not worth it. I’m truly sorry for what he did to you, and yes since you were doubting this IS sa. You didn’t deserve it or condone it at all and I’m sorry that it happened to you.
You did NOTHING wrong.
This is NOT your fault in any way, full stop.
I’m sorry Tyler’s sibling is dragging their child into this. Makes me wonder what version of the story they’re hearing, but what’s important is that you know the truth.
May I ask why were you so adamant about 1. Finding out who this child was and why? And 2. Is it more about the feeling that you did something wrong? Is there some guilt there?
You did nothing wrong and none of this was your fault. But I would actually welcome the idea of not being around that child in order to avoid that man as well. You shouldn’t take this as a punishment at all. Just an opportunity to put more distance between yourself and that man.
Talk to the police. Explain that you are seeking ADVICE about how to deal with a situation involving UNTRUE RUMOURS you have become aware may be circulating. Make an official record that something happened and you are now being treated differently and aspersions are being cast about you around children. Ask what you should do about it. Maybe also speak to a legal representative as this is defamation. Not for taking action, just to keep an official record that something went on.
You have to deal with this. Your reputation is at stake.
Tyler sexually assaulted you. That’s the bottom line. He’s a creep and you can be sure he’s done it to other women.
And now he or his sib are trying to make you out to be the bad guy in a public way. The kid is telling people you can’t touch him. What do you think is going through their minds? It sure isn’t “oh, that kid’s uncle must have assaulted OP.” No, it’s “hmm, I wonder why that kid is so adamant that OP doesn’t touch him. What did she do?”
Even though it’s been a while, I still think you should go down to the police station and insist on making a report. Take your friend with you if she remembers and if she’s no longer with the abusive guy.
You might want to talk to a lawyer.