So my boyfriend (25m) told me he’s going to visit his friend “Sara” this upcoming weekend… Now I don’t mind him having friends that are girls, he doesn’t mind that I have guy friends. But it just seems so weird to go out of state to visit a girl he hasn’t seen in years because shes going through a hard time and apparently divorced from her husband over a year ago. Does she not have any current friends to support her? I tried to tell him that obviously I’m not going to stop him but that I feel a little iffy about it… He got pretty defensive.
If he had ASKED me are you comfortable I would have said yes go. Not for the sake of permission, but to be conscious of my feelings. For him to randomly just tell me “I’m going to visit my friend Sara” (someone he’s mentioned once) is kind of worrying. I know he wouldn’t cheat but I don’t know. It feels weird. I think part of it is me being self conscious and part of it is me wanting him to take account of my feelings.
What do y’all think?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I feel like you are trying to read more into it in order to justify your reaction. He isn’t “randomly” visiting her, he’s visiting her at a time where she needs support.
At the end of the day, you are either comfortable with this or you aren’t. Personally, if I was going to cheat on my girlfriend, I don’t think telling her truthfully that I was going to visit a girl-friend in another state is how I would start if off.
Yeah that’s weird and inconsiderate. Why doesn’t facetime or zoom work? Is he staying with her or is he going to spring that on you when he gets there?
Truth is he’s gonna cheat if he’s gonna cheat, trust him if you trust him, I would trust him, I don’t have many friends and the few I do have I almost never talk to but they’re there when I need them, maybe she’s the same way
If my wife told me that she was going out of state to visit a newly single guy friend, we would have serious problems.
But how do you know he wouldn’t cheat? His behavior is already concerning. A recently single friend you’ve barely heard of before needs a friend. Sure, okay.
I think this guy is only willing to do the trip because she might have been his platonic love a few years ago. I mean, you don’t do this with any friend.
I think the biggest tell here is his reaction. If his response to you expressing worry or discomfort is to get defensive rather than to comfort and reassure you, then that says something more than a friend going to visit another friend in a time of need. He’s going all that way to comfort someone but can’t take a second to hear out and comfort his girlfriend? I personally would feel that there’s an imbalance of priority and that would make me feel like there’s something going on.
Sketchy
NTA. How would he feel/ tract if the situation was you instead? Definite RED FLAGS!
You’re not overreacting. It’s natural to feel uneasy about your partner visiting a female friend, especially if it’s out of state and he hasn’t mentioned her much before. Your boyfriend’s defensiveness might indicate he’s not considering your feelings. Open communication is key. Discuss your concerns and boundaries with him.
It is indeed weird. Going out of state to stay with a single girl during her time of “emotional need” instead of her seeking help from family or someone closer smells like cheating cooking up on the back burner to me. The truth is you can’t stop him from cheating. What you can do is accept that he is a cheater and that he apparently doesn’t value your relationship like you think he does. Be prepared to drop him on a dime when he gets there cause it will be fucked up. Guys aren’t close to girls that they aren’t interested in. It’s scientific fact. Consider yourself newly single as well. Pack his stuff and put it on the curb.
If my boyfriend told me he was going to another state to visit with another girl who was in a vulnerable mindset after getting divorced, he would be making the trip as a single man. That is a vastly different scenario than just having female friends. Girl you are under reacting.
I don’t really have advice but I wouldn’t like this either if it helps you feel more validated in your feelings
You’re not wrong for feeling weird about this. It’s not that you don’t trust him, it’s that flying out of state to see a woman he barely talks about, without really checking in with you, feels inconsiderate. It’s not about permission, it’s about respect and emotional awareness.If the roles were reversed and you were going to visit a guy friend who just got divorced, without much notice or context, how would he feel? Probably not great. You’re not overreacting, you just want to be treated like a partner whose feelings matter.
Nope absolutely not. If my boyfriend wants to have female friends, that’s fine, but I am going to get to meet them and we are all going to be friends, or no deal. If they are that good of friends that he feels an obligation to rush to her aid during a hard time, then you should have heard about her before and had an opportunity to get to know her, just like a sister or close cousin of his. This has red flags written all over it. And don’t ever be “certain” that your partner wouldn’t cheat. That’s a good way to ignore red flags and get blind sighted when something is actually going on.
No. You’re not over reacting. This would be a deal breaker for me.
He goes. You’re done. I or accept a lifetime of cheating because he will learn you are willing to lie to yourself and look the other way for the sake of a “girlfriend” title.
‘If he had ASKED me are you comfortable I would have said yes go’.
How does this make a difference? He is going to stay with a single woman, who you know NOTHING about. So I would have thought the answer would have been no.
Despite not seeing each other for years, they’ve obviously remained in contact. Could this be a reason for her divorce? I wouldn’t trust he wouldn’t cheat.
How do you know he wouldn’t cheat? Given the right opportunities, anyone will cheat and lie about it.
Tell him it will give you time to catch up with a guy friend of yours.
He’s cheating.
I trust my husband and have no problems with him going. He always invites me and I stay home. I’d go this time.
Have you ever her about Sara before, and what was the context? Ishe willing to show you his communications with her? Just asking him will tell you all you need to know.
Do you live together or still living apart and dating? How long have you been dating?
The reason I’m asking is if you live together, and he’s only mentioned this gal once, has his behavior at home changed? Or his intimacy toward you?
You’re still really young, and I’m having a hard time understanding why he would just up and take off to see a gal friend he has only mentioned once. And she divorced over a year ago.
His reaction to any questions you have is alarming. His reaction indicates guilt and he does not want you to question anything. And he clearly shows he doesn’t care what you think or how you feel about him going.
I realize you said you don’t believe he will cheat. Well, I’m afraid he’s already emotionally cheating and he doesn’t care how you feel about it. 🚩🚩🚩 I think he’s made that very clear to you and your instincts are telling you something is amiss. Listen to your instincts. They are never wrong and you should never dismiss them.
I believe your underreacting. Majorly underreacting.
I think you need to begin planning for your world to be rocked and turned upside down.
If you live together, you need to start preparing discretely your exit plan. You might not need it, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared to take care of yourself.
You need to ask yourself if this is the right man for you. Do you plan to live with a man who “tells” you he’s actually LEAVING to go see another woman?
If you live together, and your finances are joint, who’s paying for this? If you’re paying for this trip in anyway, you need to shut this shit down now!
I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. I believe you are justified in feeling the way you do, and I would be questioning and demanding answers about how long they’ve been in contact without your awareness and what is really going on. Because taking off to a woman you hardly know is alarming behavior and his reaction and refusal to discuss this trip in detail with you is the end of the relationship if it was me. No one should share their boyfriend with someone they didn’t even know about. Your boyfriend is emotionally attached for some reason and you have a right to know everything.
Updateme