Am I (25F) being unreasonable for wanting to stop living with my boyfriend(26M)?
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, and we’ve been essentially living together since the beginning of our relationship (not the brightest choice but here we are). Since probably the start of our 3rd year together, I feel like I haven’t been a priority and overall feel more like a convenience to be with rather than someone he wants to spend time with. He seems to prioritize his friends, family, and video games over spending time with me. There has been many instances where I have gotten home from work and hung out alone/fallen asleep before he has said anything to me because he is playing games with his friends and i honestly don’t know when he goes to bed even on those nights. He also started a job working from home, which he does in our bedroom so I don’t feel like I can relax at home anyways. We are living with his family right now to save money as I am finishing up school and he’s sort of figuring out what to do career wise. I am not super proud of that but it is what it is.
I have talked to him before about moving out and giving each other some space to reset and reflect on how to be better partners for each other and to give the relationship some more space for effort to have to happen because of everything that I have been feeling. he is not usually very receptive to these conversations and in the past I usually give up because he makes me feel bad and tells me it feels like i’m breaking up with him. I don’t want to break up, but i’m getting so tired of trying to talk things out and telling him I don’t feel like he finds making time for me important because we live together, but things usually only change for about 2 weeks before it starts slipping back in to the usual pattern again. I do think he really cares but I don’t think he’s had a serious relationship with anyone before me so I’m trying to be patient, it just gets to the point of me having panic attacks about if this will be my life if we kept doing it this way.
A few nights ago, I told him that I think we need to reset and I should move out so we can try to build and grow and move forward with some recurring issues, and that I need things to change a lot. He seemed to be understanding that night, but this morning I was sharing my plan/timeline (it is pretty soon but I am working 2 jobs and going to school so i have to use my days off wisely) and he totally flipped and said that that’s not what he got from our conversation before.
He continues to tell me that his friends agree and think this is weird and won’t be helpful and that he just needs to quit video games. I honestly just feel like he needs to see that i’m serious about things changing and that I need to be treated like a priority. I just think it will be easier to see if he is willing to put in effort for me or not. I also think it may help me reflect on where I may be lacking in the relationship and what I might be able to do better myself. We never gave each other an opportunity to put in effort to see each other really and I think we got so far in to habitually being convenient for each other rather than trying to build a healthy relationship and be a team to make it happen. My friends have shared that they think this would be a good start to addressing everything going on and my family has shared that as well. I usually try to keep issues private but I feel like i’ve tried so many ways to talk to him and change it but nothing happens because he has to want to work on it too.
Am i being unreasonable for thinking this will be a good opportunity to reset? any advice would be helpful but I feel like I am getting a lot of mixed opinions .
Tldr: I want to stop living with my boyfriend of 4 years without breaking up to work on ourselves and try to put more effort into our relationship. He doesn’t agree and thinks i’m trying to end it.
Comments
Why do you think moving out would make this situation better?
He doesn’t care. Living separately won’t help him treat you better, it’ll just give him further opportunity to ignore you. Youv’e told him you want him to put in more effort and make you a priority and he continues to do nothing, because again he just doesn’t care. He’s putting up a fight about you moving out because he knows it’ll be harder for him and he’ll have to step up an doesn’t want to because he’s lazy. Go find someone who wants to be with you and makes time for you without being begged and threatened
You need to just go. This isn’t a healthy happy relationship at all. I would honestly end it all together and rip off the bandaid.
I think it’s a good idea on paper but that in reality it is way more complicated especially since your partner is against it.
Could it work? Sure. But in this particular situation I think that if you go through with the move it will probably end your relationship.
Your partner will be extremely hurt if you move and may see it as a breakup which will only make your currently strained relationship worse.
I also think that there’s a chance you might find that you don’t miss him as much as you thought you would.
You are not being unreasonable at all. I think youre correct, you need to get away to reset and prioritize yourself instead of him and this relationship.
And even more so, living on your own (will you be living on your own?) will be an experience that will help you form a better self-identity and self-confidence. Like you said, a reset. You can take that time to focus on yourself and establish what your goals and dreams and what you really want out of a relationship. That way when you come back together (if you come back together) you’ll have the confidence to stand strong in your goals and dreams and what you want out of life.
I really don’t see any downside to you moving out. And to be honest, I think once you’re on your own, you will realize that this relationship is only holding you back. Maybe he will get the kick in the pants he needs to change, but also, maybe you let this dude go and he can change for the next woman to come along. You deserve so much better!