TL:DR: 6 year relationship between 25F and 27M, I feel like there is a lack of communication and I worried that I’m destroying my relationship for no reason.
I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend, we’ll call him Terry, and we’ve been dating for 6 years. We’ve literally have become conscious adults together and developed greatly as I was 19 when we got together and went through 6 years of school in that time. We’ve been okay for the majority of our relationship as we’ve done long distance when I was at college and then seeing each other mostly during the summers but then during grad school seeing each other a few times a week.
For context I work in mental health and I see emotional connection and good communication as a love language because I know I don’t know everything but would love to just know about people’s days (at length) or just where they’re at if they’re okay or not or how I could support them. Terry is a very reserved person due to his own history with mental health and how he was brought up. Terry’s love language is highly physical and 95 percent of the time that’s the only way her expresses his love or any emotion really. For a very long time our relationship we would have sex and just hang out mostly at his house (it felt like he was never comfortable in my house or around my family).
A while ago I did share with him that I would like more communication in our relationship as a lot of times we would sit in silence or sit on phone calls in silence after the obligatory “how was your day” or “what’d you do” sentences. Which he said okay too and he would keep me in the loop more or reach out for support, but then this pattern showed up where we would have similar conversations and it would be good for a few months and then we’d be back to square one. Last year I held a really hard boundary about this because it was the point of he would reach out for support then deny it which was hard and would end up me begging to help him (I know I cannot help everyone). But I told him that I can’t compromise on communication and was thinking about if we can’t change this we might not be able to move forward together. Terry told me he would work on it but communication is hard for him due to how he grew up and I understood that and I told him I can be patient and work on it with him.
4 months ago we’d gone through the pattern of conversing about better communication every few months as it goes back to lack of communication and is mainly communicating through sex (like Terry understands its how he feels something else besides depression or anxiety). I have significantly sex drive than him and often do not seek it out and I’m starting to think it’s because my love languages are not being met, which again we have talked about.
But 4 months ago we were joking about future or wedding things (as we have talked about since we’ve been together so long) and I said “you know my dad expects you to ask for his permission to marry me right?” And Terry said no he didn’t know that, and stated “but I don’t think I’ll do that”. Terry said how he feels awkward doing it and made a joke (which I laughed at) “hello sir can I trade you your daughter for 3 goats” or “aye yo can I put a ring on dat”. My mom laughed at these jokes too when I told her. But I said to Terry that it’s important to my dad to have that conversation even if it seems out of date, and I asked him if his parents had to get permission. Terry said he didn’t know. Then that next weekend we were eating dinner with Terry’s parents and I asked them the question, they said yes and the conversation spiraled in another way that upset Terry and he lashed out at me afterwards as I asked him if he wanted me to leave (which I didn’t have my car) and give him space he said “well I just poured myself a drink so what are you going to do fucking walk home?” And we sat in silence. We talked eventually how I didn’t feel like I was welcome in the house currently and that he seemed mad at me but we talked, had what I thought was make up sex and I went home in the morning. And then three days later I get a massive text message from the early morning about how he was ad and felt disrespected about the whole conversation with his parents.
But since then I have been so emotionally and physically tired for holding 75 percent of the conversation or asking if he’s okay and being met with “I’m fine” or “I don’t know” that I have just kinda stepped back from doing those things and not pushing everything forward. Terry noticed this and told me again ‘I’ll work on it’ and I told him I couldn’t accept that answer any more and that I want to see active changes. Terry then stated ‘I need you to be more patient with me… or I’ve supported you whenever you needed it….. don’t you know that I’m going through a bad time right now?’. That conversation was just us pointing fingers at each other and not getting anything resolved.
I’ve been doing therapy weekly since this all started because I feel so hurt and I’ve noticed I use work to avoid issues in my relationship. I’m trying to ask reddit for another outlet.
I’m just so back and forth about my relationship to the point where I feel like I did have something good and I’m just tearing it down for no reason. Am I hurting the person I love for no reason?
Comments
It sounds to me like maybe you’ve outgrown this person. You’ve been together since you were 19, and now, as you say, you’re adults. Can you see yourself in a marriage with this person – someone who won’t talk to you about the hard stuff? What happens when even harder things come up, like getting transferred to a new city for work, or buying a house, dealing with aging parents, raising children, fertility issues, health issues? Do you feel like this person will be your rock through all of those things, and more?
It’s ok if the answer is no. It doesn’t mean that the relationship wasn’t valuable for the last 6 years. It might just mean that you are different now than you were at 19, and the things you need in a relationship are different, too.
If communication is important to you, and this person isn’t communicating (despite years of you asking him to work on it), you don’t have to stay with him just because you’ve been together for many years.
Deciding who to marry is the most important and impactful decision of your ENTIRE LIFE. Don’t settle.
I mean a really tough thing you need to deal with and look at is this. If your current relationship is just going to be this just going forward for the next 20-30 years is going to be this. Are you ok with it?
People don’t fundamentally change in my opinion and if you aren’t ok with the current version he is. You are likely to be unhappy five or ten years from now. Also if he fundamentally doesn’t want to change but puts in this “effort” every few months to placate you or keep you from leaving. He’s just going to resent you at some point.
I’d leave but I’m not you.
Ummm you are in a relationship that only works long distance. He doesn’t express love through physical touch! He uses you for sex and puts up with you the rest of the time! Go find a better guy and don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy!
How did the conversation with the parents upset him? What was said? You made it clear it’s important to your dad, but have you said it’s important to you? Do you not live together yet?