Hi reddit, need some advice here. Long story short my girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We’re also temporarily living together so this relationship has gotten really serious in the past couple months. I love her and she loves me but I know that there is an elephant in the room that we’re not addressing which is, she wants me to spend more time with her family. I like her family, we get along but I feel socially drained even after 1 day. This has worsened due to the holidays and the fact she’s wanting me to meet her entire family such as uncle/aunts etc… and get to know them on a deeper level. I have hanged out with them on 2-3 occasions but I personally would rather be by myself and by it draining to be around them. You just have to watch what you say around non-immediate family (No cursing, inappropriate jokes, etc…) I like her immediate family and hang out with them every now and then.
For context: I grew up in a dysfunctional household. Divorced parents, screaming, yelling, always on edge/anxious. No hugs/ I love you/Emotions, etc.. My relationship with my parents is better now but it will never be like how it should be. I understand that this is my trauma and my problem to solve. Due to this, I’ve grown up to become an extremely independent person. I can do everything by myself. Moving states, packing, unloading, etc… I never ask for help from my parents/anyone. My parents and I don’t talk much either, we probably text each other once every 3 months and facetime every 1-2 months for like 3 minutes. My relationship with my parents will never be what I want it to be. Not to mention, one of my parents started a new family. Don’t get me wrong, I really like my step-parent and my half sibling. But seeing them happy hurts. One example, I went to get lunch with my parent/step parent/half sibling and as I was walking to my car, I saw my biological parent laughing and carrying my step sibling. Something I never experienced. Do you know how much that fucking hurts.
I feel like I’m at a crossway. I know I need to fix myself first which will allow me to hang out with my girlfriends family and it not be exhausting but at the same time, I just feel so tired to fix anything. I’ve accomplished all my career goals/my dream body/etc… But at the end of the day, I feel a sense of emptiness. Like i’ve achieved everything on paper but I’m still not happy. Sometimes I just want to ghost everybody and move to another city and pretend that this past life doesn’t exist. But I know this won’t solve the issue. I will always be me and these thoughts will always be w/ me.
Tldr; internal issues causing relationship issues
Comments
You gotta let go of that stuff with your one parent who has started another family. My father started another family. Mind you I’ve never gotten even a happy birthday phone call. Yet he fought in court to have those kids with him. At first it hurt me but I was able to let it go. I don’t really talk to him or them at all. I have kids of my own now. And their moms side of the family love me show me love and I’ve learned to accept it. I still do things on my own but I had to do some real soul searching to figure myself out and be able to let go of the past. Holding on to that hurt, the resentment did nothing but block the better relationships I have. It’s hard and it’ll take time. But you can journal to help get your thoughts out. I do a lot of reflecting while I drive(hour drive to work everyday) or before bed I turn things off play a little music and think about things ask is this something I can change? If I can then how. If I can’t then let it go
Your last paragraph is pretty concerning, in a general sense, not just in the context of this relationship. Have you been to psychotherapy at all/ recently? Did see in your post history that you have some diagnoses. You might want to look for someone that offers ERP (exposure and response prevention) to help deal with any intrusive thoughts, but it also sounds like there’s a significant amount of unpacking to do ahead of you. You’ve made the big first step of recognizing that you have a problem with managing your past trauma, but this isn’t likely to be something you can do entirely on your own. Professional support is super important, as can support from your GF in your efforts to get your nervous system regulated around these topics. Really though, what you’re experiencing is going to be a big problem in life, single or not.
I myself have some of my own major past traumas. I’m autistic, and a lot of mine are about food and revolve around my bodily autonomy. I have had therapy and done work around these triggers. However, I’ve also chosen to date intentionally, because I know there are going to be people that have values and preferences that are going to be triggering, and others that won’t be. For a lot of people, trauma isn’t something that’s going to ever go away completely, it’s about managing it and having it not have complete run of the roost. Which means someone who is going to fundamentally trigger that trauma may not be a good match. For example, I have sensory issues with food and a lot of anxiety about being pressured to eat something because of how often it would be a negative experience with a poor outcome. So for me, someone who loves to cook, someone who has a big emotional connection to food, or someone who sees feeding someone as a major way to love someone, these are people who I would avoid dating. I can be pretty upfront within a date or so that my relationship with food is complicated, and I need someone who has a more neutral relationship with food and can leave me alone about my eating. Same with people that are looking for gym buddies or people that are big on their partner taking care of their body in certain ways, I’m disabled and I’d be exhausted with a partner like that. It sounds like a partner who needs you to be very close to their family might be a trigger. You might have some thinking to do on if a relationship with a partner who can’t compromise on that value is going to be a constant trigger or not. It’s possible to compromise on what relationship you might have with them (personally my family is very ????? so I don’t expect partners to have any particular relationship with them at all because it would be unfair of me to put them through that), but if this is a big fundamental issue for her, it’s possible that this isnt going to be someone you can have true emotional safety with, meaning that you’re just going to be triggering each other and it’s not fair for either of you.
Sometimes, often times in life there are things that you should do that are very uncomfortable. I have several ex-boyfriends who I’m still friends with, and my family accepted was open arms. And you keep getting invited to his family functions so you’re doing something right. It sounds like you don’t love your shelf enough, I need no offense by that. And most importantly, be yourself… continue to behave like the polite young man that you have inside of you. But you transparent about the reptiles that you had if it comes up, maybe ask for your girlfriend to explain for you. Maybe we got to know them on a deeper level, you feel comfortable sharing with them. I mean my mom talked to at least two of my exs regularly. He had a very childhood. My family still love them. They thought they were garbage but they weren’t. They were just garbage inside their head.. you are not garbage. Don’t know you, but it doesn’t matter. No it’s a family is getting together on a ridiculous amount of occasions you’re loved about a briefly for a few of them. But if this girl’s family is her life maybe you should try to make them part of your life too. That’s just my thoughts and opinions do it I really feel the best for you but definitely try okay. Best wishes