I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now. We’ve been long distance for most of it, since we’re both in school in different states.
I think I’m at a point in my adulthood now where I’m desperately trying to figure out what I want in life. I originally started dating because I felt like in the future I would want to get married and adopt some kids, but now I’m not so sure.
I’ve always had the position of, “If I have kids, I’ll be the best parent I can be. But if I don’t have kids, I’ll be totally fine with that too.” But now my feelings are becoming more complicated. I’m unsure if I want kids or not, and the thought of either terrifies me. If I have kids, will I regret it? After all, I’ve always enjoyed a lot of alone time, and I wouldn’t get a whole lot of that with kids in the house. But if I don’t have kids, will I regret it? What if I decide in a few years that I really want to have a family?
Meanwhile, my girlfriend absolutely wants kids. I’ve talked about this with her and she says she’s okay with waiting until I figure out what I want, but I’m not okay with that. What if in a couple years I decide I don’t want kids? Then I will have wasted 5 years of her life that she could’ve spent building a relationship with the future mother of her children.
I think overall I just have this needling feeling in the back of my head that I’d be better off alone. I enjoy spending time by myself, and I don’t know if I’d be good at compromising about things like home decor when me and my girlfriend finally move in together. It sounds stupid, but I think about these little things a lot, not just the big things like having kids.
But how do I know if these thoughts are significant or not? Do they truly indicate I’d be better off alone, or is it my mind just trying to take the easy road when faced with the harder route of figuring out how to make this relationship work? The really terrifying thing is, I feel a slight sense of relief when I think about breaking up with her, but I’m also heartbroken at the thought because I love her so much.
Would I be stupid to break up with the love of my life just because I have these intrusive thoughts that I’d “be better off alone?” Am I throwing away a happy future out of fear, or is it because deep down I know it won’t work out?
TL;DR: I don’t know what I want from life while my girlfriend knows exactly what she wants. Am I wasting her time by going back and forth about what I want? Are my inner thoughts correct that I would be better off alone?
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No gay relationships are unfulfilled and doomed
Honestly, do some therapy. Not everyone knows exactly what they want, but at some point you make a decision and go with it.
maybe spend more time living together first. distance can do a lot to your mind. maybe establish a home together first and the thoughts of starting a family together will become clearer.
I’m shocked you’re even considering this, your love for each other is so obvious it makes me tear up… but I get where you’re coming from, having an opposite view on things can really strain a relationship. Still, I wonder how much of this inner turmoil stems from fears rather than reality?
I think you’ve hit a point where there are enough signs that you’re not on the same path. I appreciate that you are considering her situation and not wasting her time.
Realistically, as sad as it is, I think you need to end it. Having kids (or not) is one of those “fundamental” compatibilities that has to align in a couple. You can negotiate timeline, not the concept of children in general.
The relief you feel considering breaking up is another key sign.
If you are really wanting to try and salvage this, I’d recommend therapy to dig a little deeper. That being said, you’re only 26 and nothing you’ve said above would suggest to me that you’re not considering your life choices in an age appropriate way.