Throwaway for privacy.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we’re expecting our first baby. Lately, I’ve been struggling with body image and confidence during pregnancy, and it’s made me more sensitive about certain things in our relationship.
I’ve asked my husband to stop watching porn and to be more mindful about where he puts his attention, especially since he has a history of having a wandering eye. Even before pregnancy, it really hurt to catch him checking out other women and then denying it when confronted. It’s something I’ve set a boundary about multiple times, but it still seems to happen and although I feel like he’s improved, I feel like it’s still an issue we deal with.
Recently, I’ve actually noticed that almost all of his friends send him explicit photos/videos of women, and despite me expressing how uncomfortable it makes me, I don’t see him ever actually addressing it. I also previously found bookmarked porn videos and a lot of his “for you” feed is of only fans on his twitter (X, whatever and we also have an open phone policy). We’ve been open and sexually adventurous in the past (watching porn together, threesomes, couple swaps), so this isn’t coming from a place of insecurity or prudishness as I felt he really came out of his shell when we started our relationship as he was initially intimidated about talking about his sexual fantasies/desires. I just feel like my boundaries and emotions aren’t being respected in a time when I feel emotionally vulnerable.
I’m not sure if I’m falling out of love, but every time something like this happens, a part of me shuts down more. I’m at the point where I’m wondering if it’s time to leave/separate, because I feel like I’ve communicated my needs clearly and they keep being ignored time and time again. It really makes me sad bc not only am I not a fan of most of his family (that’s a whole other deal of family drama and most of the problems there are of them being the type to not truly be happy for others) but I really started to look closely at his friends, and it makes me kind of start looking at him differently at the company he keeps.
Has anyone else gone through something like this during pregnancy or in their marriage? How did you know when it was time to walk away versus keep trying and maybe try therapy or adjust our lifestyle even more? Would this be enough reason to leave my marriage? I feel like if I have to repeat myself, then I’m not being cherished enough the first time. I’m starting to notice a lot more issues with my marriage since my pregnancy and what my baby will have to see and experience and I hate it and am not sure what’s the appropriate way to react, as his friend just sent another video to him of some woman with the message “bring this bitch to the US she’s too much for them over there.” Which, is not only a degrading ass comment to make towards any woman, but this definitely was the straw that broke the camels back for me and threw my tolerance out the window.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Ouch. I think you have multiple issues here.
The solution? Communication.
Your SO needs to know how you feel about all of this. They can’t read your mind, so stop with the fantasy that they’ll figure out what’s wrong and magically fix everything. (It is a lovely place to be though)
You need to talk to them. Tell them what is happening in your head. Yes it is a vulnerable moment, but if you can’t be vulnerable with your partner then why are they your partner?
Sounds like he knows your boundaries he just doesn’t care. Nothing kills a relationship like resentment and I don’t blame you. I would also say it sounds like this has always been the way he is. The thing that has changed is you’re going to become parents. He’s still stuck in his old ways.
Could you both try marriage therapy and air this all out. After a baby it gets tough and if you both are at odds it makes it worse. If he makes no attempt to fix this then I think you have your answer. It comes down to do you want to spend your life like this or co parent healthily and move on.
Edit… in regards to his friends, you know what they say about birds alike flock together. He’s just a bad add his friends.
Firstly, I think couples should always try counseling before deciding to split. If you feel this way, definitely go in and talk to someone who may be able to help both of you address your problems.
Secondly, I believe you built this with your own two hands. You set expectations early in your relationship that watching porn, looking at other women, putting his attention in other places than you is acceptable behavior. Call me a prude but I don’t think watching porn together is the healthy, secure relationship dynamic people want it to be. Essentially what you have done is open up the relationship (if not physically then at the very least opening it up to other women being a “part” of your man’s world) and are now trying to be monogamous again. He doesn’t want to be because you’ve allowed so much in the past that now the boundaries will feel restrictive.
It’s going to be hard to shut that door and keep both of you happy. Not impossible. Try counseling to build better boundaries between you two and build a stronger ground for this relationship
I’m very confused as to what is acceptable to you and what is not. You’ve mentioned that you have had threesomes, couples swaps, and watch porn together in the past.
Why would he be banned from watching porn now?
You’ve literally allowed him to sleep with other women and are now criticizing his wandering eye because he is watching porn.
I really cannot follow the logic. Pandora’s box was opened, you can’t close it once it is.
His friends seem pretty vulgar, but are these the same ones that engaged in couples swaps? I can’t imagine a ton of people that aren’t overly sexual signing up for that activity.
“I want you to change who you have been the entire time I have known you because I don’t feel good.”
“we used to be adventurous with threesomes and couples swaps” I have to wonder was that at his request? Because it sounds like he’s always been this way and now you are seeing it through the lens of preparing to be a “mom”. We don’t have some magic words that will make him change his ways, he hears you and he doesn’t care. You say you “set boundaries” but what are you doing when he violates them? A boundary isn’t some you set multiple times. He has no reason to change his behavior because there are no consequences.
He is the same person you married. Possibly you have changed. You need therapy.