I have been with my bf for over 8yrs we recently spoke about getting married and planning a wedding he seemed like he lacked interset as his responses were very short and non descriptive. I feel sometimes that he lacks the affection I desire. He has been very weird about my choice of clothing since I have gained quite a few pounds over the years. Along with my choice in friends and mannerisms, referring to my outspokenness as too masculine and I lady like. He wasn’t like this when we first met only really started once we got engaged. For other Muslim families they might find this behavior atypical but we are VERY Americanized but we still practice our faith. I wear the traditional garments at home and when in the presence of family but I wear regular clothes to work and around those who aren’t family or relatives.
As much as I want to stick it out my best friends have told me that I deserve better. That even though our faith and family frowns upon ending relationships especially once they’ve been introduced to the family. I feel the constant excuses of that he wants to wait until he finishes school, until he buys a house, until he saves up more money… sounds so unrealistic and complacent in my opinion.
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If you plan to have kids I would leave immediately
You are 28 years old. I understand the pressure that comes from family and culture and I feel like part of this might also be sort of a sunken time fallacy where you’ve spent so much of your life with this person. It might be scary to imagine what life is like without them, or what adult life is like on your own since you really haven’t had much of that if you’ve been together since 20.
But, if your partner is not bringing you joy, not giving you the things that you desire, and making you feel unsatisfied, unhappy, and/or self-conscious, you need to do what’s best for you. You have a lot of life left ahead of you, and settling before you’re even married is just going to dull your future. You don’t deserve that. Getting married should be a joyful time for both of you, but if you’re doubting yourself and he is not enthusiastic about it, I would take that as a sign that it might not be the best idea. You don’t want to waste your time waiting for another person to decide if you are worth the time. Because someone else will know you’re worth it and treat you accordingly.
Sounds expensive.
If he said “yes! I can’t wait to marry you and spend the rest of our lives working on these issues!” would that change how you felt?
Imagine this guy as a father?
Your friends are right, and they must love you so much to be honest with you. That’s a difficult conversation.
You are absolutely not insane. People make mistakes choosing mates, especially when they’re young. You made a mistake. That’s ok, you’re learning to choose better next time.
Listen. We know a couple like this. They have talked in an upbeat way about their future wedding, moving overseas to exciting new opportunities, having kids, moving house. Her excitement is more real; his is less so.
And let me tell you, they are over 40 now and NONE of it has ever happened. He doesn’t really like change and despite threats to break up (or ultimatums etc), he has never actually proposed or done anything to progress things in that “married with kids” direction.
She fell for the “sunk cost” fallacy and that’s why she stayed. I encourage you to think CAREFULLY about a boundary here for yourself and if nothing you want to change has changed by that point, consider leaving girl. I’ve watched this other woman wait for things to happen for nearly 20 years. If she could go back to that fork in the road I really reckon she might make a different decision.
We accept the love we think we deserve. Take a hard look at your relationship and ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want for yourself. You only get one. Do you want to build a family with someone who isn’t excited about the prospect? Traditions aside… it sounds like you deserve better.
Even my husband, who told me on our first date that he will never get married or have kids, proposed within a year. Stop wasting time. (Note: husband reversed his vasectomy and our daughter is his whole world).
Your friend might be able to see what you cannot fully see , and I wouldn’t take their advice lightly – they love and care about you so much and want you to be happy.
You do deserve better. Everyone deserves better than the way he treats you. You are in an abusive relationship – coercive behavior is abuse in an intimate relationship.
I learned this in college, and I wish I would have paid more attention and could post a study here. There was a study done about the success of relationships in the long term. 80% of the friends and family, of the people in the relationship, were able to adequately predict the longevity of a couples relationship. You have great friends because they’re telling you what they see, and telling you that you deserve better. I’m a stranger sitting behind the screen, and given what you just described, I would tell you to get out. I’m sure you can say he’s nice, he’s done great things for you in this relationship, you’ve had fun together, leaned on each other through the difficult times, but that’s not enough. He’s putting you down and expecting you to wait another x amount of years, for him to buy a house, save enough money, and get a career. That’s about 10 more years of you investing in this relationship. So how long are you willing to wait? Until you’re 33-35, 38? And even then it’s a Gamble, he could easily decide that he doesn’t want to get married. How will you feel then? And what are the chances of you starting over, meeting another, and having kids, between 33 and 38. You’re on the losing end of that bet.
He is counting on your traditions to keep you on the line. Sometimes it’s better to buck tradition and do what you need to for your own peace of mind and happiness. Your family will get over it.
He’s a time thief. If you value yours, you should leave now.
He’s not that into you, but you are comfortable and familiar to him…nothing more nothing else.
Ah yes the religious Muslim man . Usually they are super tolerant and accepting