So my boyfriend is from Morocco and I’m from Belgium. We live together in Belgium.
We are talking about having kids and he wants to raise them Muslim until they are 18, then they can decide. He also wants to circumcise his kids. I’m not so sure about all of this.
He wants them to have like an international first name and his last name.
He says, because he is religious, it’s is more of a compromise for him to raise them non-religious, than it is for me to raise them Muslim since I am atheist. I feel like it’s still unfair and we’re leaning too much towards him. Is this grounds to break up over?
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extremely incompatible
If you aren’t comfortable with it, 100% it is.
Yes it is a good reason to break up
Strangers on the internet aren’t in a position to tell you what’s worth breaking up over. What are YOUR standards? Do you feel like the suggestion he’s outlined is one that’s compatible with your values and expectations for parenting? Why or why not?
And what exactly does he expect having them “raised Muslim” means? What values, teachings, or practices does this entail? What plans do you and your partner have for reconciling your differing religious backgrounds under a unified set of values for your children?
If you can’t come to a compromise that you both feel is fair then yes you are incompatible.
Would completely be a deal breaker for me, yup.
>because he is religious, it’s is more of a compromise for him to raise them non-religious, than it is for me to raise them Muslim since I am atheist
Does this make any sense to you? How is having a part of your dick get cut off less of a compromise than not having it cut off? Has he explained why he thinks this?
As a Swedish agnostic, I’d be really uncomfortable raising my kids to be Muslim, just like I’d be uncomfortable raising them Christian. Every Muslim I’ve met in my life are lovely, kind and generous people, but there are some values there particularly about women and gay people that I just don’t share and wouldn’t want my kids to grow up to have.
There’s no compromising about this, either your children are indoctrinated in a certain religion from the start, or they’re not. There’s no 50% indoctrination standard that is perfectly half and half that you can set with your boyfriend.
I converted and became catholic a couple of months after the start of our relationship, my wife is more of an agnostic. Our son has been baptised and will be raised culturally catholic. My wife is OK with this. Beyond that I also do not mind if my son learns about other perspectives. And at around 14 he’ll get to figure it all out for himself.
If my wife was not OK with any of this, we would have been incompatible and it would have been a dealbreaker of mine.
Talk, talk and talk about it. Have serious conversations about this. For me these conversations happened at the start as I was dating to find a wife to share my life with.
So what’s he going to do if they stop believing when they’re 9 or 10?
incompatible, not necessarily. you have some differences here, but they aren’t necessarily insurmountable if you’re both willing to compromise and work together.
>Is this grounds to break up over
if there’s something in there you can’t accept, if there’s something there that’s going to make you resentful, if there’s something there that you feel is unfair, then yes, it’s grounds for break-up, because that’s going to turn into an unhealthy relationship, and that’s unfair to everyone in that relationship; you, him, and the kids.
>raise them Muslim until they are 18, then they can decide.
you can raise them with an understanding of both their dad’s Muslim beliefs, and your atheism. to make it actually fair, that’s the way to do it. talk about both, all the childhood and upbringing. talk about other religions, too, even if you don’t observe them. that’s how they can actually make a choice; by being informed about their options.
that’s the actual compromise, not raising them only with their father’s religion.
> wants to circumcise
i will never support or condone genital mutilation of children, i’m 100% against it, cutting bits off of babies is deeply fucked up.
if the kids want to be circumcised, they can make that decision for themselves as adults.
> international first name and his last name.
so, where’s your name in this, as the one actually making the babies? you’d be the one actually growing whole entire humans in your body, your name should also be recognized and honoured.
if you don’t want to hyphenate (i understand), there are other options.
what my brother and his wife did was mash their names together, to create something new. They didn’t go with my suggestion, which was deeply funny, and went with the more normal version, lol. Think “Stapleford” and “Huntley” becoming “Huntford” or “Stapley”.
RUN. It won’t get better with time.
At the end of the day, you don’t have to share the same interests, hobbies, or even personality with your partner. Variety in those areas often brings balance and spice to a relationship. You do have to share values and goals. Those are extremely hard for couples to work through. It’s more than just raising your children in Muslim beliefs. Religions also come with foundational core values that you would be raising your children in. If you can’t find common ground in the values piece, then as much as you love him, it would be better to part ways.
Why you feel it’s unfair, is because it is. You two are not having a discussion and exploring compromises, he is TELLING you that HIS VIEWS are the ones that matters, and he is clearly just dismissing you, period. For me, it would be a fast goodbye.
Your views and feelings are just as equal as his, and any partner you stay with should confirm that.
Being incompatible doesn’t have to mean a bad thing.
You can fight to make this work and it will be ok.
But if it’s already hard to agree on something that’s a pretty big deal like raising children, then you need to re-evaluate why you want to be with this person and if it’s something you truly want to spend the rest of your life with.
Can you imagine them being a good parent to your children despite those differences? If not then probably not the right person for you
I would also suggest to check custody laws in Belgium and Morocco – in some countries which identify with one religion, the courts award custody to the parent from that religion. If your partner retains his Moroccon citizenship, then find out your rights as a woman/wife/mother under Morocco law. It’s a hypothetical situation now but since your partner has such strong preferences, you need to look at this from all angles, the good and the ugly.
If your children are raised in Belgium, how open would your partner be if they participate in different aspects of your culture – drinking beer, socialising in mixed groups, dress choices etc? Would he be okay if they celebrated christmas with your family? If they wanted to go to church? What would his expectations be of a daughter – would he raise her differently? What if your kid identifies as LGBTQIA+? What does a woman’s role or a mother’s role in Islam mean to your partner? Will he expect you to conform to those expectations? Does your partner expect you to convert in order to marry? Find out these things as it may become your life for the next 18-20 years. (These are questions not only for inter-faith parenting, but for all kinds of parenting and partnerships. Your values need to be aligned).
If you’re not comfortable, then yeah, 100% is grounds for breaking up. As far as circumcising- I literally cannot recommend it more.
I guess if you’ve never been with someone who is circumcised, you wouldn’t know, but the kid will never remember going through it, and he will be thankful for it. Much much much easier to keep your dick clean, and smelling good. You don’t get that “dick cheese” shit. I highly recommend circumcising.
As far as raising them Muslim? That would be a complete deal breaker for me, and it should be for you…. Look at how they treat women, look at what it says about women in the Qur’an. You, as someone dating a Muslim, REALLY should look into some of the shit they say in the Qur’an, and then tell me you’d be okay raising your kids that way. It just wouldn’t happen, bc you would be treated like total shit.
And then, what happens if you guys do make a life together and he wants to go visit his family in the Middle East? Are you expected to go there, and hide your face and body wearing that get up. Can you even imagine how his family/the ppl he knows there, how they would treat you?
You can pick up a copy of the Qur’an at pretty much any book store, they even sell it for $9 in Walmart, or you can find copies online for free.
In conclusion (basic summary) if you’re not cool being treated like shit, then yeah, I would break up with him.
It sounds like you are not compatible based on what you want for your kids.
Unless you want to have “his kids”, circumcise them, raise them Muslim for 18 years and have international first names and his last name, you’re incompatible.
Do you both a favor and break up, the difference between Islam and atheist is huge, growing up you’ll be the odd one out to your kids, after they’re grown up they might drop one of you off completely, marriage to a different belief is difficult for the partners but it’s worse for the kids, not saying it won’t work but why the suffer when there are more people out there
As a man with a penis, I would draw a hard line against circumcision. Its a barbaric practice that shouldn’t be done unless
a) its a medical reason and every other option has been tried so only done as a last resort
b) its an elected procedure decided with consent by the fully informed adult penis owner.
He wants, he wants – what do you want?