I (30F) have a childhood best friend (30F) we’ll call B. Two things to know about B is that (1) she has had a string of increasingly bad boyfriends, and that (2) she shuts down and will go no contact if you criticize her or say anything she doesn’t like. I know how B operates by now and so I usually hold my tongue about her boyfriends–she also knows me, so she rarely asks for my input anymore. At this point she only ever really tells me what’s going on once something big has happened and they’re on the verge of breaking up, we’ll have a heart to heart, she tells me to be honest about their red flags, I tell her they’re losers, she agrees–and then she goes right back to them and to ghosting me for months.
I hate her latest boyfriend. I thought the others were losers–this one’s abusive. It started off verbal and that’s when I jumped in. Rinse and repeat, she says she’ll leave him but doesn’t, and I don’t hear from her for months. She calls me up the other day saying he’s hit her. Same old. (edit: by same old I mean we go through the motions of me saying he sucks and her saying she’ll leave).
Well she’s back with him. She thinks I don’t know but I do. She’s been cancelling plans, presumably to avoid talking about it.
I know the statistics of women in abusive relationships, and I also know her. I know she’s an adult and has to make her own decisions, including deciding to leave an abusive relationship. But I don’t know how to continue being a friend through one. I can’t just pretend he doesn’t exist and that I don’t know what she’s told me, and she won’t reach out to me for fear of me saying something. But I also just miss my friend.
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Well, y’all are text buddies now. Let her be and you do you
That is tough, holy shit. She should definitely talk to you about the stuff and maybe talk to other friends that know her as well or like, I’m not so sure of what to say because you said that if you talk to her in a way that saying that her boyfriend sucks or something like that then she’ll ghost you and go back to them, but it seems like she’s just going on and off like she saying she’ll leave and then she stays with them and just doesn’t wanna talk about it so it’s either she really likes them and wants to make it work and doesn’t care if it’s abusive or her boyfriend is saying stuff to her to make her stay but yet again is abusing her. Find a way to contact her and maybe make plans with her and ask her if you can just hang out and talk about it and tell her you understand what she’s going through and that you understand that she’ll ghost you and whatever but talk to her or maybe talk to somebody that also knows her.
It’s not an easy solution but it’s one that’ll save you a lot of stress.
“…., I value this friendship but I’m no longer going to be a spectator to your self-sabotaging self. You’re a smart, loving woman and you deserve to have a smart and loving partner should you choose to partner up. I don’t want to be a person you call up to vent about someone you repeatedly choose despite their terrible behaviour. I also deserve connections in my life that are reciprocal and what I require are friends who are interested in me and make time for me. You only make time to talk about yourself when we speak and then you disappear. It makes me feel hurt and I deserve better than that.
You decide what’s the highest priority for you in your life but regardless, I’m going to choose connections with people who treat me with the kindness and care I give and that means not being in contact with you while you are dating abusive partners.
I’m here for you when you decide to leave them but I won’t watch my friends yo-yo with abusive partners. Is painful and worrying for me to watch and it’s frustrating to be ignored by you when you repeat patterns of self-destruction.
Whenever you’re ready to address this issues, I’ll be here to support you”.
Then leave it at that. I doubt she’ll be kind about it. She might even get defensive but stick to this boundary. You don’t contact. You don’t check in. You’ve informed her that you’ll support her when she decides to address her issues with choosing shit partners. You’re not forcing her to change. You’re leaving the room so she’s on her own to handle it.
Because trust me, people can’t make people change. it NEVER happens. I know films romanticise that people can but it’s a bare faced lie. Plus, films are fictional lol.
Real life is way more brutal and harsh. Stick to your boundary and take time to mourn the friendship. Friendship break ups are incredibly upsetting so it will feel shit but you’re setting a precedent for how you want your friendships to be, and that’s only a good thing