Partner (38m) and I (31f) have been togwther 2 years (7 months long distance, now living together) are in couples counselling for various communication/ time spent together and intimacy needs, it’s early days but it’s going well, but I do want to sanity check something. And yes, I have communicated about this for months, hopefully the couples counselling will help…
Here is how I would like intimacy and sex to go like: kisses and hugs throughout the day, maybe some heavy petting thrown into the mix but not necessarily leading to sex in that specific moment, closeness and intimate moments. When the act of sex begins, I like a gradual increase in activities: some kissing, closeness (yknow getting mentally into it) some foreplay, maybe he goes down on me, maybe I blow him, in no particular order and then at some point PiV, he comes, sometimes he’ll offer to finish me off, other times I don’t really mind, and then finish off with some post sex cuddling and then general intimate kisses and cuddles as we crack on with the day or evening to tail off the sexual encounter. I like variation, I like different styles of sex (vanilla, kinky, anal, bdsm, mutual masturbation, quickies, outside stuff etc), I like a vast variable MENU of sex items to pick and choose from based on what the vibe feels like and where the moment takes us.
Here is what sex is like if I don’t insist on these things: no ramp up in intimacy. He cuddle me and is physical affection for the purposes of getting me ready (ie wet), sometimes will go down on me, PiV, an offer to finish me off, again sometimes I don’t mind, he cleans himself off, hands me tissues, then cracks on with his day, no ramp down of intimacy or closeness, just a disconnect after the act.
I’m not saying I need long languorous copulation every time, I love variation, I’m down for anything. A few months ago he complained I didn’t give him head anymore but I was like “where???” He speeds through foreplay with the goal of PiV before my head has even caught up enough to feel the desire to give him head???
Am I being unrealistic?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Your expectations are spot on. Literally how most women would prefer and honestly, how it actually happens in healthy loving relationships.
Don’t even try to change him. That’s a selfish lover and what do we do with selfish lovers? Send them back to where they came from and we get a better man.
I don’t think you’re being unrealistic or unreasonable in your desires. That’s a very healthy approach to sex. Honestly your partner seems selfish and a little lazy.
I, like you, enjoy the variety and couldn’t go back to a unfulfilled sex life of PiV without foreplay or kink.
Sometimes men need to be told quite specifically that although the sex is ok or even good your not a one dimensional being and there are parts of you and specific needs that the current dynamic isn’t meeting.
I’d say communicate this to him explicitly. If he tries to improve and introduces more intimacy to the process, great! If he doesn’t, drop the whole man. You deserve loads better than this.
Look into aftercare, that’s a big part of what your asking for and should come standard with any and all sex
No, any man would be lucky to be with you!
If it has been like this from the beginning of your relationship, it’s unlikely to change. He is who he is and he isn’t your dream lover.
If it used to be more like what you desire and at some point it changed, you should think about which relationship events preceded the change.
Also, have you been giving him positive, encouraging feedback on his sexual efforts or only criticism, telling him that for you, whatever he does is never enough and never good enough? If it is the latter, he might have reached a breaking point and just given up on pleasing you. In that case, reversing the communication style might result in improvements.
Looking at the state of the relationship as a whole as you describe it, requiring couples councelling for multiple issues after living together for only 17 months isn’t an encouraging sign for the longevity of this relationship. Chances are that he is neither your dream lover nor your compatible partner (and that mismatch goes both ways).
Maybe I’m the odd one out here.. but I’m 28F, married and have been with my husband for 11 years… if he wanted all that from me, I’d be overwhelmed. That seems like a lot to me. Maybe I just don’t have as high of a sex drive.. I guess everyone’s needs are different though, and if that’s what you need, that’s what you need.
It’s clear you’re kind about what you want in a relationship, and it’s important to keep having these conversations to ensure both partners feel seen and valued, I think focusing on open communication and checking in regularly can help create the connection you’re looking for, and it sounds like you already have a good start with couples counseling.