I (32F) am thinking of leaving my boyfriend (36M) because he is not financially stable. We have been together for 4 years. We’re in a loving relationship, talk openly about our future, but I can’t get over the fact that as a family unit, everything will fall on me, as he makes less than $50K a year, and is not motivated to make more. I make more than twice what he does. We do split household expenses, but for larger purchases and vacations, I often pay more. I’m worried that if we had kids, I would become stuck in a lifestyle I don’t want, resenting him.
I’m worried I will resent him for not contributing more. I feel selfish and greedy in thinking this. Overall, he’s loving, everyone loves him, and we get along well. But I am thinking ahead into the future, and I’m afraid I will only become more resentful. I do not make enough to cover his retirement, and he has $0 for retirement. If I leave him now, he will loose his housing, his health insurance, and maybe even his dog. All because I am thinking of him as a potential finanical burden, and I feel terrible about that.
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Have you discussed this with him? Finances are a very important issue to get on the same page about.
You need to discuss financials and how you two would divide life responsibilities. Do you want to be a SAHM with the kids, or a bread winner and he’s a SAHD, or have a husband who makes as much as you? You need to discuss and then decide what to do.
He is 36, very old. He is not going to change. You want more money. This isn’t going to work, and you are running out of time to find someone you actually want. Don’t feel bad. The sooner you end things, the better for both of you.
In your dream relationship (or closest to) is this how the finances are……I think you should have a talk with him and explain just like you did here….
Its not wrong of you to feel that way.
50K doesn’t carry very far these days. Kind of a bare minimum amount now.
And you have a different vision for the lifestyle you want in marriage, not something he can provide for you.
What will happen when you two have kids?
You’re likely going to be the one whose stuck on mat leave longer than he is… And there goes the main source of income that was keeping the entire ship together, now we’re relying on his income for 1-2 years straight.
Money isn’t everything… But it certainly matters. Tired of people saying it doesn’t impact your quality of life. Your quality of life will directly be influenced by combined incomes.
Finances are a leading cause for divorce… Not to be taken lightly.
Its a bitter pill to talk about, but its a justified concern. And with him having no interest developing himself further than where he is at now… Its probably not going to change. He’s 36, pretty much earning a 26 year olds salary.
To some love is worth less than money. If your desire for a larger number in your bank or a “lifestyle” he can’t afford is greater than your desire to be with him then you have your answer.
My concern is that this is not-new problem and should have been a decision made much earlier on. This relationship should not have gone anywhere near this far if this really is a problem. To pull the rug now on “you knew this 90 days in” is something that screams “I expected to change you and am pissed it didn’t work”.
You pulled the “typical woman” mistake – getting involved with a man expecting him to change something you knew was a serious issue for you from early on and didn’t actually love him for he was right then. You loved him for who you wanted him to be.
I would try to be as kind and understanding as possible during the phase out if he’s being respectful and working to ramp up and move on. But if he gets ugly about it, then you pull the rug.
It sounds like you make more than most men and women. For instance where I work there’s hundreds of people but probably just 3 men in their late 50s early 60s are making near or above 100k. Just something to think about but even finding someone who makes equal to you is going to be looking at a fairly small group of men.
He’s already a burden if he’s going to lose all of those things without your help.
You’re already resentful of him.
If you want to try to work it out, he needs to know if he doesn’t start making more money you have to leave him.
It may seem shallow but you’re thinking about your future and that’s a good thing.
He needs to think of his future too. How’s he going to live after retirement?
It’s time for him to grow up and decide if staying with you is worth aspiring to greater opportunities.
Love won’t matter as much when you’re seething over financial problems, with kids who rely on you.
Think of these kids you wanna have – what kind of life would you give them, what kind of father would this man be to them? And if something were to happen to you, is this a man you would trust to raise your kids on his own, and raise them in a way you would be happy with?
You need to think about yourself and your future given your ages and what you want. At 36 he doesn’t seem motivated to grow further and is already riding on you far too much for the life you set out to have.
It’s a perfectly valid reason and dealbreaker to leave someone over unmatched finances. It’s not on you what happens to him by making this choice. The way the system is set up, non-married couples shouldn’t be financially relying on one another this much and his lack of growth is not your fault.
Relationships and marriages end due to financial reasons. If you’re thinking about it now, that hint of resentment is already starting to build.
Your bf is just gliding through life leaving the financial burdens to others. Sure you can talk to him about it, but if you already have and nothing has changed, then you should walk away.
If you haven’t talked to him, you could try that first. Although, I would make bets that he will do whatever is easiest for him.
Hello. Well, You are not married. I do not know the common in law, Laws in your area. He maybe eligible for spousal support from you because you are the one whom makes the monies. Call a lawyer and ask to see what legal rights he has: in regards to your monies and your retirement monies cars or owned house. He maybe entitled to %50 depending on the laws in your area.
Dump him now! You two aren’t compatible. Or if you intend to stay with this loser you need to start living at his level. If he can’t afford it then you don’t do it!! Same goes for your home etc. realize you will never get ahead in life with him. If you’re okay with that then there you go.
No, it is not selfish for wanting someone who is financially stable and can provide you and your future children with the life you want.
Not at all. I just got divorced for the same reason.