TL;DR I’m looking for an outside perspective on a situation and I have nobody else to talk to right now. I am new to Reddit and have never posted before, so I apologize if I’m not doing this right. For background, my husband ‘50M’and I ‘40F’ have been married for 13 years, and have been living together for 19 years. I have never been one to nit pick, or nag, but regardless he made it clear from the get-go that he is his own person and set the standard early on that he won’t be told what to do. He takes care of certain things around the house that are “his department” and I take care of the rest. Yardwork, car repairs, home repairs, etc. are his area. We have always been a team and have a system that usually works. But lately if I simply inquire about something that needs to be done, he blows up on me and accuses me of nagging and bitching at him. Today was the absolute worst. My car started acting strange the other day, so I have been driving his truck for 2 days. He drives a different work truck so we are fortunate to have a spare since my car isn’t working. He mentioned yesterday that he would take a look at my car today, and either call a tow truck or if possible, drive it to the shop. He slept in today, which is totally reasonable since he works extremely long hours, and then he got up and did yard work. He came inside sweaty and hot, and asked if my daughter and I had eaten lunch yet. I said no, and we decided to go out to eat when he got done showering. Had a nice lunch, and we were driving home. We passed the car shop we usually use and it reminded me that we were going to possibly deal with my car today (literally the first time I had even thought about it today). So I said, “oh yeah- did you want to deal with the car still today?”, meaning look at it and possibly drive it to the shop if needed. I was only asking because just before that, I thought I might see if my daughter wanted to go to the pool, so I was just making a plan for the rest of the day in my head. He blew up and said “you don’t have to keep reminding me, I know your car is broken down, I’m going to take care of it when I get a chance, you just keep bugging me about it, you have a truck to drive, just be grateful for that.” I’m like, I was just asking if we were going to tackle it today or not, literally not rushing him, or bitching at him in any way at all. After we got home he was still acting all pissed off and I tried to nicely clarify that it wasn’t like that at all, but he starts in saying that I had asked him before we left for lunch why he wouldn’t just drive it and check it out today and was bitching at him earlier!!?? I’m like what??!! I didn’t even have a single thought pass through my mind about my broken down car today until the drive home, much less speak a word about it to him. He literally made it up or imagined it and fully believed it to be true! I started shaking and feeling so panicked that he was accusing me of this and truly seemed to believe it. So then he was calling me over-dramatic for my reaction and saying I looked crazy and just giving me this look of disgust. I’m so confused and angry. How can a simple, harmless question inspire such a weird reaction from him. I am not a nagger and have never been. He has no idea what a real nagging wife is like. Ugh. I know he is stressed at work, but is he taking this all out of context? He thinks I’m bitching and rushing him to take care of this for me, but it’s not how it is at all. What am I supposed to do?
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See if he has the same reaction if you can shrink that post into 1-3 sentences max.
Is this a personality change, like he’s suddenly very reactive? If so I’d be worried about something medical and try to get him to a doctor to get checked out.
Your whole question is centered around this car deal. So… I guess to figure out who is in the wrong, I’d wonder if he is a perfect angel in all other situations over the day, or if he is just pouting and being sullen.
If the former, then you two just a have a difference of opinion of how important it is that your car be fixed. If he’s not doing it on your timeline, communicate that to him. And then just go get it fixed yourself.
If he’s being pouty and sullen all day, you have yourself an angry husband, and I think the car is the least of your worries.
Seems strange that he’s flown off the handle. What’s his job out of interest?
He’s either:
stressed out about something which he hasn’t discussed with you,
Been knocked about the head a bit in the past (can develop aggression later due to this)
getting dementia? The first sign of this is unexpected anger and forgetfulness…
Not sure what advice I have regarding all this. Just keep strong and don’t put up with it forever I guess.
Car sale business is hard. Maybe he’s worried about his job. I feel like it’s one of those things that’s related to money and he’s actually maybe concerned about it, doesn’t wanna say something about time to tighten the belt, work has slowed down – something like that. Can you do a little googling on his business or that business in general? my brother was a car salesman that got let go along with a few other guys about five months ago. Sales were definitely lightning up and going into a season that should’ve been busy.
Shocker a 31 year old man who dates a 21 year old woman ends up being an AH. He forgot and instead of admitting he forgot he decided to gaslight you. He knows you didn’t say anything about the car. He did that on purpose. Why didn’t he deal with your car first thing yesterday or today?
Sounds like he has trained you not to hold him accountable for anything. That “I do what I want, don’t tell me what to do” mindset is not partnership behavior.
Both are always possible. As are other explanations.
Is this a one off?
If not, with his is change in behavior I am extremely concerned about a health (behavioral or physical) issue here.
The element that gives me the most pause is the entire conversation he appears to have imagined. It is specific. His recollection is detailed. It is recent. And it didn’t happen.