I (44F) have been seeing my FWB (39M) for about 8 months now. We met on a kink site… but I caught feelings pretty early
We are exclusive- we don’t date or sleep with other people. We hang out outside of sex.. movies, concerts, dinner.
He wanted this set up because he was very hurt in his last relationship.. and he isn’t sure he ever wants to date again. I spoke with him a few weeks ago.. told him I had a lot of feelings for him, but that didn’t mean I wanted a relationship
He told me he’d tell me if he did or didn’t, but he’s just numb. And I mean.. trauma can do that.
The thing is.. he’s just really wonderful. He’s smart, very kind, helps other people.. he texts me every day. Tells me to have a good day in the mornings.. he’s very present when we are together and very attentive. He’s also very good in bed.. the sex feels super intimate and that’s part of what confuses me.
I feel like he’s too perfect to just walk away from if I really start wanting another relationship which I don’t think will be soon.. we both just got out of LTR
But I also worry I’m just not good enough even though he tells me I’m wonderful.. It makes me doubt myself at the same time.
Am I stupid for being willing to stay in this and just see what happens?
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It’s kinda a stew to be honest.
I don’t think it may be a bad idea to stay but you need to hold yourselves accountable with your current state of mind.
Doesn’t help that you caught feelings for him early but you both seem like you are on the healing path.
Keep communication open and don’t pressure each other for drastic changes.
Just go with flow for a while and see how it plays out. Maybe encourage therapy or opening up about trauma to unpack if you see him wanting a relationship in future or if its hopeless.
You can be in the moment? There is something beautiful to being satisfied with what you have, even if it doesn’t have a name.
It is in fact a relationship, even if you say it’s not.
If you read/listen to Buddhist scholar Pema Chodron, (look her up), she said something on this that resonated with me, something like “there is no quicker killer of joy in the present than to focus on possible problems in the future “
You are both being vulnerable and living in the moment. There is NOTHING wrong with that. You may get hurt and you have uncertainty but that is the reality of life and being able to let go of certainty is a gift. Good luck
In most cases, it’s unwise to pursue something real from a fwb situationship. You might want to consider why you’re trying to get this guy to change his mind and why you’re attracted to an unavailable men. Something about being with a man who doesn’t want to be kept but changes his mind for you because you’re ‘special’. Sounds like a hallmark movie, not real life. You might want to explore that.
Life is too short. After y’all both had strike outs maybe this is the home run y’all been waiting for. I say go for it. He obviously has feelings for you as well. He probably just doesn’t want to risk scaring you away by announcing his feelings for you. I mean you’re already exclusive might as well make it official.
Yes
If he’s anything like me there’s no such thing as casual sex. I’m all in romantically and relationship wise. For me I have to connect with someone on a deeper level before I commit myself physically with someone. I think he’s being a gentleman trying to respect what you agreed upon at the beginning of the relationship. He may want more but doesn’t want to push the issue because he’s respecting your boundaries. You may have to pull the trigger if you want something more than a FWB.
It makes sense that you would be drawn to him based on what he fulfills for you. However, remind yourself that he isn’t in the place to be emotionally available to you and build a life with you beyond what he’s capable of right now. You can enjoy what you’re experiencing but keep yourself in check until you ar no longer willing to maintain this due to it potentially causing you harm/pain.
It sounds like you pretty much have the relationship you want but he won’t put the official title on it.
Ordinarily I warn against people trying to turn a FWB situation into a legit relationship but you honestly might have a shot. Don’t push it but keep working your magic!
You’ve having fun for now and not too stressed, give it time. Maybe set a mental timeline for when you’d want to have a conversation about the future… maybe after a year or 18 months? In the interim just enjoy your time together.