My mom wasn’t in her best mental state when i was young. I guess she hated her life, and wanted to “motivate” me to work harder to be successful. Plus her marriage with my dad was never great, and she just tolerates him for me and my brother.
As i get older, i do feel sympathy for her. But i also can’t erase my childhood memories out of my head.
Her way of “motivating” me to study hard was telling me that i’m stupid, and i should work twice as others to reach the bare minimum, due to my low intelligence.
I still can’t undetstand how my mom thought it was okay to beg 7 year old me to kill myself repeatedly. Her usual rants were “Please just jump out the window or something. It’s your fault if i get cancer. I don’t want to go to jail for killing something like you. Please just go out of that door and be found dead” after hitting and dragging me by my hair on the floor.
Whenever she and dad fought, she came to me and asked who i would like to live with if they got divorced. I’ve always answered that i don’t know, and got told i was a traitor.
Now as an adult, my mom made some short apologies like “i shouldn’t have hit and yelled at you as much when you were younger.” but seems to have forgotten the severity and the details. For the last few years, she’s been supportive and just perfect for the most part. It feels like my grudge is the only thing that’s preventing us from being the picture-perfect family. I know she sacrificed alot for me and that she does love me alot. On the other hand, i still automatically flinch and get flashbacks whenever someone raises their hands near me.
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Children are not responsible for their parents’ emotional regulation, well-being, or saftey. She was supposed to teach you how to emotionally regulate, protect your well being and saftey. You’re not a bad person, you’re a person who was abused for a long time by someone who was supposed to protect and cherish you. You are not the reason you two don’t have a close relationship, she is. You don’t owe her forgiveness. If you need permission to hold a grudge, you have mine.
You hold that grudge just as long as you need to. Your mom was clearly dealing with some demons, and I get that. I deal with mine too. But a parent does NOT get a pass to put those on their kid. Not ever. Her job was to build you up, never to tear you down.
“your grudge” is literally childhood trauma, caused by her. You never deserved to be treated that way.
Please don’t tolerate any disrespect in your relationships. I wouldn’t talk to her ever again – she had her chance, and chose to berate and tell A 7 YEAR OLD TO KILL THEMSELVES….. WTF.
That’s so, majorly fucked up. You deserved, and deserve, better. ❤️❤️❤️
r/raisedbynarcissists
Your grudge? Your grudge is literally your childhood, that she tortured you through and created the self-doubts you live with. Tell your mom that she can make it up to you by paying for your therapy to unravel the web of destruction she wrapped you in. It sounds like she had some serious mental health issues but to suggest ending your own life at an early age is unforgivable. I’m sorry this was the start you got and hope you are in therapy on your own to rebuild what you should have gotten years ago. I am so sorry and I am wrapping you in a warm, protective hug.
She has rewritten history. You are never going to get a true apology because in her reality it never happened. For your own sake, I suggest trying to make peace with your past. To be clear, that does not mean forgiving and forgetting, it means accepting that what was done to you was not your fault and then dealing with the issues you have from the abuse. You can have a relatively pleasant relationship from here on but don’t give her the opportunity to do this to you again.
To have a good adult relations ship with a mother is a blessing. Sounds as if you are getting there. If she is not hurting you now Think about continuing to grow. The pain parents create children hurts both. I have apologized to mine so many times and their forgiving me really means so much. I however wasn’t able to even begin to have a decent relationship with my mother until my 50s and it’s very sad that two very smart women did know now how to love and support each other
My heart goes out to you. I, myself did not speak to my mother in the last few years up to her death because she couldn’t even manage an apology. You’re not holding a grudge you are keeping yourself safe and at a distance so she can no longer hurt you. This is a defense mechanism. And I bet if she was more involved in your everyday life she would find ways to hurt you. Toxic people pretend everything is ok and then pounce when they find weakness. There are good people in this world. Seek out those people and stop beating yourself up for keeping an abuser at bay.
This isn’t a grudge. She mentally and physically abused you for years. She needs to apologize and admit what she did.
If you do want a relationship with her, I suggest therapy.
Your anger is valid, but it is also hurting you. Get some help, like some good therapy. It can help you process everything so that you don’t have to feel so negatively about all you went through. You are already on the way when you say you can understand some of what your mom went through without excusing what she did. Your mom did not succeed at breaking this tragic cycle but you can be the one.
She wasn’t trying to motivate you. She was abusive. And now she’s gaslighting you. My mom does the same thing and that’s why I rarely call her.
No you are not, however you are allowing her to still have power over you since you hold the grudge
My parents were very abusive in various ways, i left home a decade ago and cut all contact, i dont talk to them, i blocked them from everything, they still send me emails or try to call me
I did sent them a letter saying they werent my parents, i also sent them a check for a few thousand dollars since they did allow me to stay past 18 even though it was a toxic household, i told them nothing would change and my decision was final, as suspected they did not respect this and still try to contact me or ask my siblings to have me contact them, they care more about their wants and desires than me and my boundaries
Bur it doesnt matter, i dont hate them, i feel absolutely nothing, my sibling tells me sometimes he thinks about how they abused us and i said why lol, stop thinking about it, its just gonna make you angry and you are giving them power over how you feel
Not holding a grudge or being angry does not mean you forgive them, in my case there is nothing to forgive as i dont care, nor do i want their apologies, they are nothing to me, i wont go to their funeral
First, I’m very sorry you went through that. You did nothing to deserve it. Even though your mother has apologized, has she also changed her behavior? Has she gone to therapy or no? If her actions hasn’t changed then her apology is bull. You’re not a bad person for resenting your mother. How did your father handle this?
A lot of people will dismiss your Mom’s horrible behavior based on moon spots or whatever, but to me that is straight up evil to call you stupid and tell you to end yourself. I wouldn’t sweep any of that under the rug. I’d be no contact or very low contact, and always tell the truth why.
Hanging on to a grudge is exhausting.
This sounds less like a grudge and more like serious issues you should talk about.
It’s very likely you both have very different memories. Consider counselling.