My fiancé (25F) and I (25M) have been in a serious relationship for almost 6 years. We’ve been living together for 3 now. I proposed a month ago, and now I’m having second thoughts about whether this will work out.
We have a STRONG relationship and have been able to figure everything out, communicate well, and support each other. I work full time, and she’s in online graduate school. I pay for the majority of our expenses.
I absolutely LOVE her. I adore her and I am insanely attracted to her- she’s beautiful. Every other part of our relationship is great, other than one thing – how she shows affection towards me. I know that she loves me. She wants me to be the father of her children, she supports me, and I have no question or worry about her being loyal.
Her love language is almost 100% quality time. The way she feels loved is by me spending uninterrupted, focused, intentional quality time with her. This took years of practice to get down with my work (I work 5 12s) and my hobbies. However, she is very happy with it now and feels loved. I am naturally a big time gift giver, big time acts of service, but most of all, I love giving words of affirmation and physical touch.
We’ve had multiple conversations over the years about how I don’t feel that she’s attracted to me. There has never been a time that she gave me a compliment (besides “nice haircut” or “nice shirt you look nice”). Never once on my physical appearance at all. And we’ve had many conversations about how I need physical touch in a relationship. It’s gotten a lot better – we used to go weeks or months without being intimate. Now, we’re intimate 2-4 times a month. However, I have to ask every single time, and she’s never excited about it. Basically feels like it’s a chore for her, and that she’s ONLY doing it to make me happy – not for her own desire at all. I’ve bought her lots of lingerie that she absolutely never wears, brought up all kinds of ideas of fun things to try in the bedroom, and nothing gets her excited at all.
She says that she is just never thinking about it. Nothing turns her on, and we’re “just different”. Very vanilla always (lights off, under the blankets, not passionate at all). For the record, I am the only person in her life that has ever gotten her to climax. Now, it is 100% success rate every time we do anything that she “gets there”. So that’s not the problem.
I have made the decision about 7x in the past that I can get used to this. Put my desires for her aside, and appreciate our relationship without intimacy. This works for a while, then every single time I end up building a ton of resentment towards her and go through a rut of minor depression. She can usually pick up on this, and she’ll try to “fix it”. Once again, she’s doing it to make me feel better, not because she actually wants to. This does make me feel better, but then things go right back to normal after a few weeks and the resentment cycle starts again.
I was comfortable with this decision for a LONG time while I was planning the proposal. Now, a month after, we’re planning our wedding. It’s all just hitting me and I can’t get away from the fact that I’ll NEVER be “wanted” again. Ever. If I marry her, that’s it. I don’t want to get divorced, and I will commit 100%. But it’s tearing me apart that this is forever. I’ll never experience someone looking at me “in love” because that’s not how she looks at me. I’ll never be getting compliments on my physical appearance. She will never make a move on me ever again.
I wish I could just meet her at her level. I have heavily looked into ways to decrease my libido/sex drive. All of these problems would go away. If I wasn’t so attracted to her and horny all the time, I wouldn’t have any resentment towards her and we could just be happily ever after. Unfortunately, I have not found a successful way to do this. When I say these things to her, it makes her really sad and wish she wasn’t like this either. I am just starting to wonder if we’re not compatible.
Am I asking too much? I don’t want to be a guy who only cares about sex. That is not who I am at my core, and I really feel like I’m not asking for anything crazy. Is it okay to want a passionate relationship? I feel like I’m more attracted to her now than I was when we first met. So it’s not like the “honeymoon phase” has worn off. She was always like this. It was just less amplified before we lived together.
I want to make it clear that I am in love with her. I try every single day to be the best partner I can be. I won’t list off all the things I do for our relationship, but I am very involved and I truly give my maximum effort to it.
She has brought up many other things over the years that I do wrong. Too much alcohol, too much time on my hobbies, not enough quality time, working too much. I have heard her out on all of these things, and fixed every single one of them. None were easy or quick, but they’re non-issues now. It just frustrates me that this is the ONLY thing I’ve ever brought up and had a problem with in our relationship. She has all of the tools to make me the happiest man in the world, but she chooses not to. It kills me. It has completely ruined my self confidence, and I just feel so unwanted it’s not funny. When I say this to her, she gets super sad, cries, and apologizes. But she has told me multiple times that this will never change. This is who she is and it’s not changing. It frustrates me because I’ve made some serious changes and sacrifices for us to work, and she won’t. Is this unfair to ask of her?
TL;DR: My fiancé and I have an awesome relationship. We’re getting married next year and I’m having trouble accepting it. She says she’s attracted to me, but never says it, give compliments, touches me, or make any moves towards intimacy. Is this something I should just “get over and deal with”, or is this worry valid?
This is my first post, so I appreciate any responses. Thank you.
Comments
I feel this in my soul and have been married with my partner for 10 years. Its opposite for us, I (34f) am the horny one, him (51m) doesnt try and sounds like your partner.
Were gonna be doing sex therapist next.
This is how it has always been. She says this is the way it will always be. She isn’t interested in it being any other way. Believe her.
You have an amazing relationship and are getting married. Now you’re posting on Reddit – where invariably – a lot of people will tell you yes, throw away a long term relationship because your sex life isn’t exactly what you want it to be.
That would be very foolish of you. Do you think amazing relationships are super easy to find? Do you think you’d have a zillion hotties lined up to blow your mind? Get back to reality.
It’s a matter of initiating. We get in our habits. She is used to you initiating. Instead of doing this escapism crap on Reddit, talk it through with your partner. How can you two enrich things, how can she compliment you and see you? Give each other specific behavioral examples.
You’re not asking too much. Wanting to feel desired, loved, and appreciated in the ways that matter to you is valid. You’ve made real sacrifices, adjusted to her love language, and tried over and over to suppress your own needs. That kind of effort shows deep love and commitment.
But it’s clear this is hurting you. Feeling unwanted over a long period can take a serious toll, even in a relationship where there’s love and respect. You’ve talked to her about it, and she’s admitted this likely won’t change. That’s hard to accept, especially when you’ve changed so much for her.
This isn’t about sex. It’s about emotional and physical connection. And if the lack of that connection makes you feel alone or unseen, it’s okay to ask whether this relationship truly meets your needs.
Love doesn’t always mean compatibility. It’s not wrong to want a relationship where you feel wanted and chosen. You’ve given this everything. The question now is whether you can live with how things are long-term without losing yourself. If the answer is no, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you honest.
You’re not asking too much in terms of a blanket statement.
But asking these things of her, yes you are.
She’s just not it. She even said you two are different in these areas. Not the same.
And everyone has different strengths / weaknesses.
Some better at words. Others better at actions.
Some better at gifts. Some better at listening.
Its just different. An incompatibility. You’re asking her in particular, for things that she can’t give you. Trying to force her to be something that she is not.
Assuming all of it means you’re not wanted. Yet, failing to pay attention to how she demonstrates her wants for you.
What confuses me most… With her for 6 years. Knew all about this stuff. But still proposing. Even out here complaining like you hate your relationship, but about to marry into it.
Why are you marrying her if you actually feel this way about things? You know for a fact she can’t give you the things you want. Yet ignoring it and going through the motions. That’s how couples end in divorce.
There is not a single post that I would ever give a thumbs up to seeing this going on:
>We’re getting next year. I am struggling to accept it.
No way in hell that marriage is going to turn out well.
You’ve been engaged to her for a month and come off like you hate every minute of it, deeply regret it.
You’re ignoring a lot of shit here man. And unfortunately, you can’t change these things about her. Sometimes the person has it or they don’t.
I don’t think you should just “get over it” because it will come back to haunt you in a couple years and push you to divorce.
Its stupid to marry into this, despite how great she is in other areas. You two are a horrible match for marriage.
I live this life you speak of not wanting. At first my wife was the opposite in the dating phase. After the first year I noticed every few months I asked her was she still attracted to me. She would always say yes and for a few weeks change then it would go back. We have one son together now. He is 11 and for years I just went through every few months asking the same question. I even left for a day with her having a severe anxiety attack and begging me back home. I have come to the conclusion through her day she just didn’t think about it like I did. I have spoiled her where her friends said if I was with one of them I would be exhausted from all the love I would get. So it isn’t how I treat her she literally just doesn’t have the mind of a man. I decided to get ripped and competitive fight at 42 years old. I have won tournaments etc and she still every now and then still has to be let known that I need her attention. Do I wish it was different of course I do but would I change it ? Probably not. Because one day we will be old and she will be by my side. This earth is about relationships not fleshly desires..so if she makes happy in your heart stay. But if you think you will not be able to do your part break it off now it will be much easier now. But you may meet a girl that is at first spicy then doesn’t want to at all. So it is all chance . Good luck I know it sucks because we want our wives to treat us like we treat them and think about us like we think about them. They are just different people.
Is she on birth control or any other medication that could mess with her hormones? I was in the same situation (but in your fiancés shoes) and the second I switched birth control methods, it was like a light switch turned on! He got tired of me!
Just something to consider!!!
Not asking too much at all. It feels like there’s sexual compatibility issue here my man. Her libido seems to be way lower than yours.
However there are a few questions I’d ask.
what are you doing to make her comment on your appearance? The common denominator is shirt and haircut. Nothing really about you.
Anything else you do get her excited?
Have you talked about the sort of people that you find attractive and do you fit that mold?
What’s your personal hygiene like ? How about and the way you keep the house, do you help with chores? Are you in good shape,?
Do you make her laugh?
All of these play a role in a healthy sexual relationship even if they don’t seem inherently connected. I’d definitely examine these aspects of your life and then have a conversation with her and ask for some honest answers like is she excited by you sexually, other people, or just not into sex at all, because if that’s the case you may need to rethink the marriage because things like this generally don’t improve over time without major changes.
Good luck!
Is she a sexual?
Sweetheart! These are things that need to be resolved before a marriage. Maybe she needs HRT for her libido. Maybe she had something horrible happen to her in her past. Also, when she tries to say something nice, that is her trying. She wants to be with you or she would have said no. If you were my Son, I would recommend couples therapy after you find an AMAZING Therapist. It may take you a few yrs to find a great Therapist to help. But they can make all the difference too. But first, I always recommend getting blood work done for all the thyroid tests, vitamin and minerals, and all the hormones checked. Personally, I had been diagnosed with depression for many years when in actuality I stopped making testosterone. Just a thought.
In my opinion, sexual attraction and compatibility is incredibly important. Yes. I am aware that a relationship shouldn’t be based on sex since long term when you’re much older, you won’t be able to perform well or at all, and it’ll come down to how much you get along and enjoy each other’s company. However, because this issue is causing mental health issues and resentment then it’ll eventually crush the rest of your relationship and that is where the problem lies. No, you’re not the problem here. I think you should walk away now. Don’t wait. Especially since there are no kids involved either. Just accept that you both aren’t compatible, that’s all. You and her deserve someone who fullfills you and brings out the best in you.
You are not too much bro, ur asking for the bare minimum in a relationship. Look at your friends healthy relationships and random couples on the street. Look into avoidant attachment style, some ppl are just not capable and have no desire of giving you love and u can’t change them. If i were you tho, make sure you communicate all of this to her and be completely honest. I can assure you you are not too much.
You’re not ask in too much but unfortunately you’re not compatible. I know that sucks when you love someone. If you don’t know that you can live like this for the next 40 years, don’t marry her.
I think you have basically talked yourself out of the marriage aspect at this point. And it made you realize one thing…that no, you will not be happy with being in a marriage with this woman. The resentment will build and build until it doesn’t go away anymore. Both of you aren’t perfect of course, but this post makes a HUUUUGE point that you are probably not perfect for each other. I read a comment on another post the other day that said something like this: “People act like they can’t break up or like aren’t allowed to. That they have to put it in this massive amount of effort to do any and everything possible to make it work.” But do they? If there are many things that aren’t right or are not clicking and it’s one sided or things change for a few weeks only to go right back to where it started…it doesn’t seem an ideal situation does it? Shit breaking up is scary!! But if 2 people are not compatible after 6 years, they are most likely not going to be in 20. After marriage, kids, a mortgage…that adds a LOT more stress in and of itself. OP you seem to really love her and have done many things to change, yet you are using up all your “spoons” everyday putting out so much for another person… and not getting fulfilled and nourished for what YOU want and need. Your well is running dry. Read some of the comments bc people here can give really great advice sometimes. And take that and go back and read what you wrote down and I think you’ll have your answer… bc I think you already know. Good luck doll. You deserve to have your cup filled as well. 💙
This sounds so frustrating on both ends and I hope it all works out!
I feel like couples therapy would be a good next step. Her reactions to you bringing it up make it sound like it could be an insecurity of hers. I know that my libido goes down when i’m depressed/stressed/feeling insecure about myself. Also the “super vanilla” description also screams insecurities. Under the covers with the lights off feels more like she doesn’t want to see herself. If she doesn’t feel comfortable with herself, her body, her desires, it won’t work for either of you. This is not to say that you don’t do what you can to hype her up, we don’t know you guys.
I would not give up hope until you try figuring out the root of the issue. Sure some people really do just have low sex drives but to have such a dislike feels out of the ordinary.
You have a fundamental incompatibility in an area that is critical in marriage to be in much greater alignment than you are. I tried to overlook a similar incompatibility with my first husband. Take it from me, it is very hard to maintain love when you feel constantly rejected. Pay attention to your doubts. I promise you, they are the very things that will end your marriage. You are not asking too much, but she seems clear that she’s not willing to consider what you are asking for.