I (M20) and my friend (M19) have been friends for about a year now. We met at work and have been keeping up ever since. I love the dude and I thought we were going to be friends for a while.
He deployed to the Naval Academy in November when I was living abroad in Europe. We said our goodbyes in August knowing I wouldn’t see him until May of this year. Well May has come and this week was his week off. A bunch of guys, his family, and I planned a lot for him to do all this week. Yesterday was the final hurrah before he left again since his break was only 10 days. We went to a cabin they own near a camp site and were kicking back and drinks were flowing. I was having a few, but my friend was having 2 times more to drink than I was.
Near the end of the night a dumb question came up saying which chip flavor was the best. And my friend was getting out weighed by the other people with what the best flavor was. I promise this is important. After I chimed in with mine he started to get upset. He was extremely drunk and so I was I and (this was mean of me) but I said that he is giving bottom energy.
Now, I know how this could sound insensitive and everything; however, I am a gay man and he is straight and we have made many jokes about this before. And after I said that, a fire lighted in his eyes and he got physical with me. Nothing too serious, but he still hit me. I was just stunned. I didn’t know what to do. And his sister -who has a concussion- tried to stop him and she got shoved to the ground by him.
After this happened, I walked upstairs and went to bed. I just could’ve deal with him. He apparently cried the rest of the night and talked with his sister. His sister told me that he is really depressed and sad. He feels like he made the wrong choice choosing the Navy. I feel bad for the guy, but we all have moments in life where we do not know where we belong. Sometimes in life nothing feels like home. But that does not mean you can physically hurt the ones that care about you.
I do not know if I am being dramatic, but he leaves tomorrow. I hugged him goodbye today and I felt like this would actually be the last time I saw him. I kind of want it to be. But I talked to two friends about it and one person said that if he has this anger in him and will hit me, he will do it again. The other said to give him another chance. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be great. Especially from a military perspective.
Comments
You’re not being dramatic. Nobody should tolerate being hit, especially by someone you care about. Protect yourself first.
Seriously, from a military perspective, ” He was extremely drunk” kind of says it all. I wouldn’t hold it against him, personally.
Caveats: I grew up on military bases as a dependent; I never served in the military. Also, this is assuming that the guy isn’t perpetually extremely drunk; if he is, then that is a problem that might mean no contact, but it would mean he needs help with that, even if you aren’t the one to give it.
Time is your friend.
The guy just left. This is too soon to reach conclusions. In the following days you will get flashbacks of what has happened, thoughts will sink in, and as time passes by and the dust will settle, you will get clarity on whether you’d like to pick up the phone and talk to him again sometime …or not.
Give it time.
Drunk people do stupid things. The guy seems very sorry about it and apparently has a lot going on mentality with the Navy. It up to you to give him another chance, but I’d consider it given the circumstances.
RUN
You’re being reasonable.
A: He got drunk, got angry, became physical with you, and shoved his sister to the ground.
After this, there is still potential for the relationship to be salvaged, and for the offending party to show they are worthy of consideration for an opportunity to continue the relationship. It looks like this.
“Hey, what I did was wrong, I’m sorry. I got drunk and that wasn’t ok. I’m not going to drink anymore. To follow through on this, if I have a *really* hard time with this, I’ll start going to AA. Whatever it takes. Full stop.”
However, he didn’t take accountability and make an instant behavior change. He cried about feeling sorry for himself.
Maybe he’s good at his job, good at math, machines, and many other things. That doesn’t mean he’s worth being in a relationship with.
He’s made decisions to be a poor person to be in a relationship with, and a dangerous one. People can do stupid things when they’re drunk. They have a choice to stop drinking. Done.
If perspective is important to you, I’m a former NCO of The United States Marine Corps, and taking care of relationships, not just being good at work, is important to me.
Not military but grew up in it and have friends who married (and mostly divorced) military guys. Stress changes a person and he’s under so much stress. Coming home for a short time and going back can be harder than just not coming home at all. Being around others you pick up their habits and the military isn’t exactly full of gentle, thoughtful people.
What he did while this drunk was wrong but I expect it’s not who he is now. Maybe give him another chance later, when he’s not stressed and drunk, and see if that person is the person you were friends with.
If a friend hit me, that would be the end of the friendship.
The multiple is a big thing, and him leaving his life behind for months is a big thing…and he was drunk….sounds like a pretty normal reaction to unease, stress and change
I had a cousin go through the Naval Academy… dude there are no words to how lonely and gruelling that place is, and I think he probably was “self medicating” a bit at the idea that he has to go back… and that this is a committment of YEARS of his life.
Don’t end the friendship. If you can’t forgive a single bad night you weren’t much of a friend.