We’re pregnant with a little girl. She will be our first and only child. We’ve decided we want one child. My husband’s mother died when we were 18. We’re 30 now. He’s always mentioned that if he had a girl, he’d like to somehow incorporate his mom’s name. I’m not a fan of family names. I also don’t have the best memories of his mother when she was alive. She was mean to me for the short year that I knew her. The version of her that he remembers isn’t the woman I got to know. I feel that if she was around today, we wouldn’t have a good relationship. But, I’ll never know.
We decided on a first name, and he wants the middle name to be his mom’s name. It pains me to even THINK about naming my daughter after someone who wasn’t kind to me.
My husband is blind to the way his mother treated me. In fact, I’ve been telling him for years that most of the women in his family are mean girls. We’ve been together for 11 years and he’s just acknowledged that there is truth to my sentiments about his family a few years ago. He was a huge mamas boy.
Am I being insensitive for refusing to name our daughter after his mom?
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as Impressive-Guest-272 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Impressive-Guest-272 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
you’re not being insensitive, but if he doesn’t know your real reason for not wanting that name you should tell him. if you’re not willing to have that conversation, you don’t care that much abt the name.
Names are for life. Naming a child should be a two-yes decision. This gives each of you veto power. The danger is him vetoing every middle name that isn’t his mom’s name. Keep repeating to him that in the one year you knew her, she was consistently mean to you.
You could always tell him that you’re not comfortable with the idea of naming children after anyone – your baby is not a shrine to a dead relative.
I believe that a child’s name(s) should be something both parents agree on, and either should be able to veto a name for whatever reason.
If there’s a name one of you love, but it reminds the other of a bully/unkind person, that name’s off the list.
That said, there’s going to be a lot of weird emotions surfacing for him about his mother, the hallowed missing grandparent, etc. It would be constructive to recognise this new wave of grief with your partner. Baby girl may have features that remind him/others of deceased MIL, and that may be upsetting to you, so it would be a good idea to do some thinking and talking now about how you accept that you’re carrying a slice of her genes, but that doesn’t define your daughter.
No, you’re not.
My daughter’s middle name is my sister’s nickname (think Lizzy instead of Elizabeth). We had a messy relationship and weren’t on good terms when she died. I never really grieved her.
When I got pregnant ten years later, she was all I could think about. My husband’s family is super close (read: enmeshed), and I started spiraling that the baby would only feel connected to them. I wanted something from my side, so I used the nickname bc I thought it would help me grieve
She’s almost five months now and I hate explaining it. I wish we’d used the full version. The nickname brings up too much. I think I was too hopeful it would bring closure. It hasn’t.
What about two middle names.
There are other ways of naming someone after someone without outright using the name, similar names, names with the same meaning, or even just a name that starts with the same letter. But you may or may not be comfortable with that sort of compromise. You need to be honest with your husband about your feelings. I suspect since he’s been expressing his opinion on it for years he’s going to feel pretty blindsided that you have an issue and will need some time to work through it.
Most parents don’t even use their child’s middle name… unless the kid is in trouble. Maybe yelling “Mary Elizabeth Smith what are you doing!” will help you use the name in mild anger. (Just mostly kidding)