Hey all, I am writing here to see if my bf(35M) and I(26F) have any other chance than breaking up, because of his relationship with his ex.
A little backstory, my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend were together for four years. For the last three of those years, they were in a long-distance relationship while studying in different cities. In their final year, they opened the relationship: she met someone locally and things got serious, all under the “open” agreement. After a few months, she realized that non-monogamy wasn’t for her. Around the same time, about one month after he and I met (August last year), she ended things for her own stability. They agreed to stay close friends and keep each other in the loop.
When we first started seeing each other, I knew about his situation. I assumed they would break up (or that I’d end things), even though our chemistry was intense. Once they officially split, I decided to pursue our relationship, but many of his “friendly” habits with his ex made me uncomfortable: they were still sending each other good morning/good night messages with heart emojis and stickers every day (he would send them when I was in bed next to him), talking all day every day and still using the pet names from the relationship. He was sending her everything we were doing, every food, wherever we were going or doing, she would know as he would text her at every chance he got. Plus, they were sharing their Google Photos account, so they could see all of the pics the other was taking.
Those behaviors felt far too intimate for a friendship for me. We argued about it for months. In March, I reached my limit and broke things off. We both still cared deeply, so we compromised: he would only talk to her twice a week, and only when I wasn’t around. That helped briefly, but on those two days my anxiety spikes so high I can’t function normally.
He tried his best to prove it was truly nothing more than friendship. He gave me access to his phone to check on the messages they were sending to each other, organized for the two of us (me and her) to exchange numbers and write, even though she ended up telling me that my feelings were irrational, as they were just friends. But even though I am sure that there is nothing romantic, the relationship they have still bothers me, as I think they are still emotionally too intimate. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, and he said he had already changed so much for the relationship that he cannot do it anymore as it feel too restrictive, as he feels like he is betraying himself, plus ending a friendship (doesn’t matter ex) for the sake of our relationship is something against his fundamental values, as he thinks this is a wrong base to build one.
Now I feel stuck because even though we love each other so much, we cannot continue like this. I understand him, but I also cannot decide if I am being too restrictive. I cannot accept his intimacy with his ex-girlfriend, and he doesn’t want to end their friendship. We are at an impasse. Is there any solution for us other than breaking up? Thanks in advance for any insight.
TL;DR: My bf is very close with his ex and kept most of the habits from the relationship. I cannot feel comfortable with this and we also cannot find a common way, do we have any choice but to break up?
Comments
Ultimately if you are not comfortable and he feels he can’t change, even if there are truly no romantic feelings between them, you’re not compatible. I am very close with one of my ex boyfriends, but in my case it’s a bit different because he is gay and married to a man so that’s kind of like a much harder boundary. My partner knows about this. He also has some very close female friends whom he speaks with several times a week, I am not bothered about it. But it is true that neither of us has photo sharing and that level of intimacy.
I don’t think you are being too restrictive, you just are dating somebody who wants to have a close friendship with somebody he recently broke up with, and that’s a difficult situation to build trust. I think you should move on and find somebody who does not have exes in their life to this degree. If he was talking to her a few times a year and catching up/reminiscing that is different than wanting to talk several times a week and sharing feelings and talking about their day-to-day life (especially since this is a relatively recent breakup). I think his relationship with you is kind of a rebound, and he has not actually processed the end of his relationship with her.