Hi everyone. I’m feeling guilty and really torn about a situation with my family, and I could use an outside perspective.
I recently lost my job, and things are tight financially. I just received my last paycheck, but I’d been on holiday before and had to repay the bank, so a big chunk of that money is already gone. For context, I don’t regret spending that money on the holiday—I did things I never would normally do and had the time of my life. But it does mean I have around 900 left for the month, which I need to cover my Klarna payments and basic living costs so I don’t ruin my credit.
For background:
•My mom gets around 400 from the Job Center for her and my little brother and 500 from my sister.
•I used to give her 400 every month when I was working. That money helped cover expenses for her and my younger brother (who is underage and doesn’t work).
•I also paid 500 toward the rent this month — even though I’m unemployed.
Now that I don’t have a job, I told my mom I can’t pay anything right now. She’s upset and says she needs the money for expenses. I feel really bad, especially because I know things are tight for them, but I also feel like I’m doing what I can.
I have some interviews for jobs lined up this week, but I don’t know how long it will actually take to get hired—it could be a week, two weeks, or even a month. Until then, I really need to hold onto what I have to make sure I don’t fall behind on my own payments and living costs.
I’m not trying to be selfish, but I also feel like I can’t give what I don’t have. I was consistent when I had a job — 400 every month for months — and I paid rent this month too.
Am I being selfish for saying no right now
Comments
Nah, you’re not selfish you’re broke. You’re not refusing out of greed, you’re surviving. You already did more than most would, even jobless. Your mom’s stressed, sure, but she’s not entitled to money you don’t have.
Why is your mom unable to work / unemployed?
You are not selfish for saying no, sometimes you need to set boundaries and put on your breathing masking before someone else’s
You’re not selfish, you’re human. You’re broke, jobless, and still paying rent. Holding onto that last bit ain’t selfish, it’s survival. Your mom’s gotta understand that.
No, you are NOT selfish. You are being realistic. You simply can NOT afford it. Your mom really should get off her *ss and help her and her son. A lot of single mothers with little ones work and raise their children without help. If she is disabled or something perhaps she can get some type of work from home type job part-time or do some baby sitting for other families while they have to go out.
You are giving her $500 for rent plus another$400 each month? If Mom is able to pay rent and food you should keep your money this month to help establish yourself in a new job.
Not at all!! I have a lot of guilt myself, so I understand feeling that way even though realistically, you might know that you’re doing everything you can to help. It just still feels bad. But, when you’re in a better situation, you can resume helping and everything will be okay. I don’t think your mom meant to make you feel bad, she is probably just super stressed about the finances herself, and being sick/not being able to work. I know it feels shitty right now, but you’re just doing what you can to survive. Everything will be okay 💜💜
It’s OK to say no, it’s OK for her to be upset, it’s OK for you to use your own money while you look for a job and try for the future to help her out if you can. I would reassure her that you’re going to help her as soon as you can, if that’s your agreement. Are there any public resources you can turn to for a little extra help? Food banks or other services?
Thanks for sharing.
Just to clarify: you have your own place and don’t live with your mom and younger brother?
So you were basically supporting them w/o using any of their living space and/or groceries?
No savings for a rainy day I suppose?
You can‘t give what you don’t have.
Was it smart to spend money on a vacation? Yes and no…
Did you deserve and enjoy your vacation? Probably „yes“ to the former and fortunately you did the latter.
I know it’s easier said than done: an emergency fund to cover 3+ months‘ worth of living expenses is so important.
I hope you‘ll find a decent job soon and all goes back to normal in due time.
Stay safe & sane – I‘m rooting for you!
You cant get blood out of a stone, if there is no money then there is no money
Not at all
You aren’t being selfish. You don’t have a job and are low on funds. Your mum is being selfish and ungrateful. You do what you can every month you are employed and she’s adding stress to a difficult situation for you. That’s not fair. Don’t feel bad. You can’t take care of anyone else if you can’t take care of yourself.
YTA. Would you tell a landlord no rent this month? The fact you went on the holiday & borrowed from the bank & use klarna shoes how irresponsible you are. Give her something at least.
You’re not selfish. You’re also not financially responsible for your mother and your brother. Your mother is an adult, it’s her job to provide for her child.
“You understand that I lost my job, right? I can’t give you what I don’t have.”
Do you live at home or on your own?
What? So ur supposed to have nothing for yourself so that she can have more money? I know you know the answer. That is so selfish of her
If she is on SS she probably receives money for the younger children. She could apply for section 8 housing and food stamps. She will be fine until you find new employment.
Why is your mom not supporting herself?
Can your mom work part-time or wfh? I think it’s unfair that your mom depends on her children to live. Can she apply for food assistance? Is there no disability benefits for people in your area? She needs to research all of the benefits she may be eligible for. If you live there, then of course you should help but you paid the rent for this month. Don’t feel guilty. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Where’s your father? Can he help?
You’re not being selfish at all but you’re mom is she should be a little more understanding that you just lost your job at least you’re searching for another one it’s not like you’re sitting on your ass doing nothing sponging off her. Just tell her straight up “mom I’m sorry I lost my job but I can’t pull money out of my ass to give you I’m searching for another one as we speak just be patient”
Was going to say is it possible to do a small shop if your mum is completely out of food but having reread what you wrote, you have already given her £500 this month despite having no job and limited resources. Your mum was getting almost £1000 from her adult kids on a regular basis and is still demanding more money that’s a bit of a red flag. It sounds like either your mum or younger sibling could have an expensive habit they are funding though the money given to them. Have you told your sister a heads up that after you paid the £500 rent this month, you cannot afford to pay out any more money until you both have a new well paying job and properly financially secure. Probably not yourself but someone needs to talk to your mum about budgeting properly. NTA – I once had to have a harsh talk with a younger sibling that as I didn’t give birth to them and that they are an adult I am not legally responsible for their finances so refuse to get into debt to cover their bills.
Take all of your money out of your wallet, put it somewhere else. Open your now empty wallet and show it to her. Pretend you are giving her money, and say, “Here, this is what I have to give to you now.”
Does she work? Can she work or does she just work her children’s ability to support her?