My boyfriend (19M) and I (18F) have been together for three years. He took a gap year to work full-time while I was still in school working only 2 days a week, so he has a lot more saved than I do.
During the school year, we had an agreement: I’d drive to see him on weekdays, he’d drive on weekends. It ended up with me spending most of my money on gas while he saved. I’d also sometimes buy him lunch when visiting him on his breaks. He would pay for our dates once a month, nothing extravagant.
This summer we planned two trips:
A road trip to a bigger city (he’s covering gas and a couple small things like zoo tickets since that was his idea).
A Disney trip with his family (they’re covering his costs).
I’ve been saving since the start of the year and have saved about $3000 to cover both trips for spending money and the necessities. I had no fun money this year since everything else I made went towards gas and food.
One thing I’ve started to notice is when he does buy me things, they’re usually things he also enjoys or benefits him in some way, like video games so I can play with him, small collectibles from shows he loves or panties and bras. For example, today we were in a game store and he offered to buy me a $30 anime figurine from a series we watched together. I said sure because it was a sweet gesture, but honestly, I wouldn’t have bought it for myself and I told him that I didn’t want it that bad but it was up to him. Meanwhile, things I actually enjoy like cosmetics and self care, he never offers to help with, even occasionally. (I only do my nails maybe once a month if I can handle the up keep, however, it’d be a one time thing for him this year.)
We were out shopping today for the road trip as I briefly mentioned before. I got my eyebrows done and bought some small things with tip money from work. I mentioned wanting to get my nails done (about $50) because it makes me feel put together, and I haven’t had them done in months other than for my graduation, which he mentioned was a good idea. I asked him (lightheartedly, hugging him) if he’d be willing to cover them this once since money is tight, it wasn’t anything serious just an innocent question.
He immediately said no. When I asked why, he paused and said, “No, I’m not paying for your nails. Don’t ask again.” His tone was cold, which honestly hurt and put a lump in my throat. He later added, “I’m already paying for gas and other stuff, so pay for them yourself.”
I didn’t argue, but I went quiet. He noticed and asked why I was distant, but I didn’t want any arguments so I said everything was okay. Shortly after he acted completely normal like nothing happened, while I’m still sitting with this feeling.
To be clear, I never expect him to pay for everything. I rarely ask him for things, if I do it’s small, like a 2 dollar coffee. I just thought maybe he’d want to treat me, especially since it’s something that would make me feel good for our trip.
Am I being unreasonable for being upset despite masking how I feel?
TL;DR: My boyfriend (19M) and I (18F) have been together 3 years. I’ve spent most of my money on gas visiting him and saving for two upcoming trips, while he’s saved a lot more. When he buys me things, it’s usually stuff he also likes (video games, anime merch, lingerie), never things I personally want. I lightheartedly asked if he’d cover my nails ($50) for our trip since money is tight, and he coldly said no and told me not to ask again. I’m not upset about the “no” itself, but I feel hurt by how dismissive he was. Am I being unreasonable?
Comments
Girl, if you want to be spoiled, consider dating older guys!!!! They are literally better at everything bc experience.
I think you need to reassess how you two spend money and split expenses. For example, if he offers to buy you something you don’t want, then say no. Because otherwise he feels like he does buys you things, while you feel like he isn’t really thoughtful when it comes to you. Also, if you two have an agreement that you realise doesn’t work for you (like the driving to see each other) then bring it up. Tell him “hey I’m going to have to reduce how often I drive out here because I can’t afford it”.
Learning how to budget and manage your finances is a big skill that every adult needs to learn. It can be difficult especially when we have friends or partners who earn more than us, but deciding what your financial priorities are, and then not doing things you can’t afford is something you need to practice.
No. If you want your nails done, pay for them. Otherwise, learn how to do them yourself. They are a luxury, and it’s really not his responsibility 🤷♀️
I was all prepared to get to the end and say that if you want your nails done, you pay for them.
But after reading how you’ve planned and saved and how you’ve spent money in gas and lunches while studying, nah.
Honestly, he sounds selfish and childish. If he’s not prepared to treat you this once on something you actually want, when he’s financially better off despite you working hard and making less money, he sucks.
Don’t go begging for scraps, friend.
Ooh, tough one. I think you need to talk about it and maybe explain it how you are described it here.
End of the day, he’s very right. His money is his money, not yours. Likewise, you can start pushing back on events and dates that cost YOU money and start refusing to accept gifts (especially lingerie) that’s he’s buying for himself.
You guys are still teenagers, and I doubt you’ll end up married or anything, but having these BIG talks around money and expectations are important. Have them often and get good at them.
How do you earn your money?
It doesn’t seem like this is about the nails specifically, it seems like you asked him about the nails because you’ve already been feeling like there is a disparity with finances?
I think when it comes to the money side of things there is no wrong or right. It’s an agreement that you both have to be happy with, it sounds like you aren’t happy with it and maybe should have spoken to him before it got to the nails conversation.
He came back at you with a defensive cold approach. If this isn’t his usual way then maybe he is also unhappy about some aspects of the finance.
Sounds like you need to talk about and maybe change the financial agreements you have.
Money is the hardest thing for most people to talk about.
I am sorry . It seems you two are in relationship since you both are 15. That’s too early in the life to be in a serious relationship. Have You ever lived as just regular teens doing just dumb stuff by yourself ?
Tell him to split travel costs with you. That way you wont be used.
I don’t understand why he’s supposed to be paying for your nails. When my husband and I were in college, we hardly gave each other any gifts. You pay for your trips because you want to go on them too. You are currently working and your boyfriend already pays for a date once a month, while you sometimes cover lunches. Maybe I would suggest he stop buying you presents you don’t really want or need. He definitely acted like a jerk in how he handled this though.
Like most men, he probably hates the exagerated fake nails popular on many women. We do not feel this ridiculous practice should be encouraged and we are certainly not going to pay for it.
Of course since you two have never talked about it, this comes as a surprise to you. He could probably have explained it better. NOR
You’ll still have to budget for your own nails though, since I do believe 95% of all men shares my disdain for fake nails and one of those is your boyfriend.
But feel free to bring up that he’s in a better position than you and that things should be divided more fairly.
I don’t like the way he spoke to you.
Tell him no thanks when he offers to buy something you don’t even want. Tell him what you WOULD like.
Speak up. If you’re spending more than you can afford, speak up.