My (28f) boyfriend (29M) and I live together and have been in a relationship for 4 years. Lately I’ve noticed how much I dislike when he gets too drunk. There’s a lot of history here with drinking alcohol. In our country, it is almost unavoidable to drink in social situations. It’s a massive part of the culture here. Myself and himself will, 9 times out of 10, go to the pub at the weekend, on at least one of the nights, if not both. There was alcoholism in my boyfriend’s family which had a big impact on his and his family’s life. My boyfriend is an incredible person, he’s genuinely one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met. He literally wouldn’t hurt a fly. He treats me very well in all aspects. When I drink, I can tell I need to slow down when things get a bit wobbly, or if I just start feeling really drunk. Usually I just get myself home, or stop drinking for a bit, or get some water. I thought all people our age had this ability but he does not have this thought process. He will keep drinking with everyone else even though his tolerance is lower. Last night I was out with my friends, and he with his. We were supposed to meet to get home together, and when I eventually met him, after not being able to understand him on the phone, we finally found each other and went home. I was really mad with him on the way home, I was annoyed because it took him and his friend 45 minutes to do a 12 minute walk (he knows this city a lot better than me so he said he’d come to me numerous times on the phone but couldn’t understand where he was). I was getting hassled by old men because I was on my own outside the nightclub waiting for him. I do admit I was very angry with him on the phone and when we met, I explained I was really annoyed he got so drunk. His friend seemed annoyed that I was so angry with my boyfriend (this made me feel awful and is why I’m now scared I’m just a controlling and shitty girlfriend). This morning we have fallen out, when he got up I told him again I wasn’t happy about it and that I feel so upset when he’s so drunk. He’s not even aggressive when he’s drunk or anything, he just slurs his words so much it’s hard to understand him and basically when he’s drunk I miss our nice and funny conversations… when he’s drunk like this it’s like he’s fighting to be awake or string a sentence together. Anyway this morning he’s walked out, he said he’s embarrassed about last night but that I’m sticking the knife in and he thinks I’m trying to make it worse and make him feel worse. He is very defensive about alcohol because of the family stuff I think. I said that wasn’t my intent at all but I had to let him know how I felt. He feels I’m being mean to him basically. I’m worried now that I’m just a controlling person and that I need to let him do what he wants to do. To be honest it’s a massive turn off for me, I really hate seeing him this way but I can’t help but think if the tables were turned and my friends boyfriend got mad at her for being drunk, I’d think he was controlling. This particular incident of me being left alone is a one off, but him getting so drunk that his speech goes really weird and he can’t sit straight is not a one off and happens a bit.
TL;DR my boyfriend and I have had a fight about alcohol consumption and I can’t tell if I’m being controlling over it.
Comments
Have you tried sitting him down and having a conversation from a place of concern? “It worries me when you go out and drink that much because of xyz”? Setting boundaries in your relationship doesn’t make you controlling.