forgive my lack of a better term, this is just what I (F23) have been referred to as lately and it is really bothering me. so to make a long story short, I have two kids with two different fathers. I recently just got divorced. I was manipulated by my 1st sons dad while I was still in high school and was in an abusive relationship with him. he had me convinced that if I had his baby, he would stop treating me like shit and I know that sounds stupid but I was 17 and I had my son when I was 18 so I was super young and unexperienced in the world.
Now you would think that that would make me smarter, but it didn’t. When I was 20, I had gotten pregnant with my second child. His father was one of my coworkers. We actually ended up getting married, but we were only married for three months before I filed for divorce because (you guessed it) he was also abusive. now this makes me sound extremely irresponsible and I take complete responsibility for my actions. I love my kids so much more than anything. They are blessings and I do not regret having them at all however, I feel like my brain has developed overnight. All of a sudden I look back and realized how dumb I was. I’m not interested in a relationship right now, but I know someday I will be.
Here’s where my question comes in, I was having a conversation with my friend and he basically told me no one will ever want me with 2 kids and a divorce because that’s a red flag and i’m damaged goods. I was definitely offended by that term but the more I think about it I start to think he’s right. I do understand that’s a red flag. I’m not against dating anyone who has children. I actually think I would prefer to date a single dad because they understand the struggles of being a parent, but that still hurt my feelings nonetheless and I have had multiple people tell me that my chances of finding a good man or a good husband are over because I have two kids and two baby daddies. should i just give up hope for someday finding a good man for once? i’ve been stuck in the cycle of domestic abuse for my entire adult life. I want to break that cycle. I’m spending as much time as it takes to heal myself and make myself a better person for not only my kids, but for myself and any potential future relationships. any advice? thanks.
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Backup of the post’s body: forgive my lack of a better term, this is just what I (F23) have been referred to as lately and it is really bothering me. so to make a long story short, I have two kids with two different fathers. I recently just got divorced. I was manipulated by my 1st sons dad while I was still in high school and was in an abusive relationship with him. he had me convinced that if I had his baby, he would stop treating me like shit and I know that sounds stupid but I was 17 and I had my son when I was 18 so I was super young and unexperienced in the world.
Now you would think that that would make me smarter, but it didn’t. When I was 20, I had gotten pregnant with my second child. His father was one of my coworkers. We actually ended up getting married, but we were only married for three months before I filed for divorce because (you guessed it) he was also abusive. now this makes me sound extremely irresponsible and I take complete responsibility for my actions. I love my kids so much more than anything. They are blessings and I do not regret having them at all however, I feel like my brain has developed overnight. All of a sudden I look back and realized how dumb I was. I’m not interested in a relationship right now, but I know someday I will be.
Here’s where my question comes in, I was having a conversation with my friend and he basically told me no one will ever want me with 2 kids and a divorce because that’s a red flag and i’m damaged goods. I was definitely offended by that term but the more I think about it I start to think he’s right. I do understand that’s a red flag. I’m not against dating anyone who has children. I actually think I would prefer to date a single dad because they understand the struggles of being a parent, but that still hurt my feelings nonetheless and I have had multiple people tell me that my chances of finding a good man or a good husband are over because I have two kids and two baby daddies. should i just give up hope for someday finding a good man for once? i’ve been stuck in the cycle of domestic abuse for my entire adult life. I want to break that cycle. I’m spending as much time as it takes to heal myself and make myself a better person for not only my kids, but for myself and any potential future relationships. any advice? thanks.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Two kids with two different men and you’re in a relationship with neither? At 23? Yes, that does raise some questions about decision making and impulse control.
A single mother of say 30 who was in one stable marriage and had two kids would already find her pool of potential partners highly curtailed. You being basically just out of high school and having kids from multiple relationships will only raise further concerns.
Your friend could have been a bit more kind, but as a man I wouldn’t have wanted to date a single mom with children from multiple relationships in any phase of my life.
The best you can do is work on yourself and make yourself a better person with every passing day. Don’t pay attention to any negative remarks from anyone and keep a positive attitude in life. As they say you are what you think. So think positive about yourself and believe that you deserve the best and soon you ‘re going to compensated for your past abusive relationships.
All adults have some sort of baggage and have taken some sort of damage from life. Please don’t take on the “damaged goods” label in your head because it’s BS. But it does sound like you’ve got some serious trauma in your background that you need to process and work toward resolving. It’s difficult for unhealed people to build (let alone maintain) stable, healthy relationships before doing the internal work to heal yourself.
What happened to you and the decisions of those 2 men to abuse you is NOT your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal yourself. Are you working with a good therapist? There are tons of people out there walking similar paths, so please know that you’re not alone.
first off, that “friend” is not your friend. you are not damaged goods because you have 2 littles and a history of domestic violence. that is on those men, not you.
the best thing you can do in your situation is to focus on your needs and your kids needs. as they grow older, you’ll be able to do more things with and without them. you are young and as you said inexperienced in the world, give yourself opportunity to grow with your kids.
I was 18 when I had my daughter, was cheated on during a 7 year relationship and I took her and left. we struggled but made changes to better our life together. I am now 29 and married, have a great relationship and I had my kids with me.
The friend I am hanging out with right now has 2 kids with different fathers, divorced from dad #2, recently got remarried, and is trying for baby #3 – it is not impossible at all. I agree that dating single dads is probably your best bet as they understand the commitment you have to your children, but more important than all of that is to figure out why you keep choosing abusive men (I suspect it stems from your family of origin) but it sounds like you are doing that, which is really awesome and great self reflection. Discover yourself, build your self esteem so you know you don’t deserve to be abused, learn the warning signs, and take a lot of time to get to know someone before committing to a relationship again. I strongly believe that the best relationships come from two people who are happy and content being single and find someone who makes their lives that much better. Do it for yourself and your children who need to see what a healthy relationship looks like.