I (30F) and my husband (29M) have been together for almost 10 years. One thing I always appreciated about him was how honest he was, even if it was blunt. But over the years his past anger issues have gotten worse. His tone is belittling. He raises his voice like he is angry, but then says he isn’t angry with a smile on his face. He then gets mad when I say he’s angry because then I’m assigning emotion to him. So I’ve started saying, “how are you feeling right now.” It’s gotten to the point where I am hesitant to tell him things, or say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Definitely walking on eggshells. Our fights always go around in circles focusing on non important aspects of the fight instead of dealing with the issue head on. I feel like I’m going crazy most of the time.
Context: we just had a baby 2 months ago, but these issues were issues before the baby anyway. Now everything is amplified.
The other day he threw a water cup down because he spilt it on himself and the table. He then got mad at me for having it downstairs in the first place. When we are arguing he says I say things that I didn’t say. When I point out things that he says, he hyper-focuses on one incorrect word I might say, even though it has the same meaning (I must admit I don’t have the best memory so sometimes I can’t remember what he said exactly). Sometimes I feel like he uses my memory, or lack-thereof, against me. He says, “well if I didn’t do it then it must have been you,” when it’s about something that I definitely didn’t do.
He is very critical and has an opinion on everything I do or say. He makes sexist jokes sometimes because he knows it bothers me, but says he isn’t a misogynist. He blames things on me (as a joke) even though he knows it wasn’t me because he knows it bothers me. We were running late the other day, I slept in because we just had a baby and I was laying next to the baby while he was sleeping also, but then he was upset and very adamant about me admitting to him that I was the reason we were late. It seems like he gets triggered all the time and then takes his anger out on the people around him. Even though sleeping in was my fault, I just don’t understand why he gets so angry about the things he gets angry about.
So:
1. Tension builds
2. Angry outburst or intimidation
3. Denial/minimization (“I’m not mad”)
4. Acting normal or affectionate, making me doubt your feelings
5. Repeat
Lots of gaslighting also. He blamed me for an accident he caused (spilling water, then yelling about why “this” is there). When I felt hurt or like he was mad at me (a normal response), he told me that I’m making it about myself, denying the impact of his outburst on me. He justified his anger with “I don’t like feeling wet,” instead of taking responsibility for handling frustration in a healthy way.
I mentioned things need to get better because now that we have a son, I have to think about what’s best for him. After hearing this he says that he would fight for custody of him and wouldn’t leave me a house to live in (we are buying a second home and planning on renting out this one) he said he would buy me out and then sell this home. Now he’s in a calm stage saying the throwing things won’t happen again.
I’m no saint myself but I’m always very self aware and point out where I’m lacking while trying to get better. Please give me advice!
TL/DR
Husband is exhibiting actions that would align with a narcissist. Worried I might have an emotionally abusive husband. Gaslighting, threatening to fight for custody, raising voice like he’s angry but smiles and says he isn’t angry.