I’m struggling in my current relationship. My bf (49M) and I (32F) have been together on and off for about 4 years. In the past, we have broken up when we’ve had fights, usually after nights of drinking (mostly on his side). In the past 6 months, things have been a lot better, not fighting, good communication, and less drinking for him. He really has grown a lot and become a better person since we first started dating, and I’m so proud of him for that. I can’t help but feel unfulfilled, though.
Today I ran my first half marathon while on vacation with him, and he didn’t come. I didn’t expect him to come but I got really sad at the finish line when everyone was being congratulated by friends and family and I was alone. A few months back, he told me he would run it with me so I registered him, but over time his interest declined and I knew he wouldn’t come. Yesterday I had to go pick up my race packet and he didn’t come to that either, he opted to drink at the pool instead. These are just two examples, but I realize I really just do most of my life by myself. I cried on the drive home from the race today realizing how lonely I am and how I would never have someone waiting for me when I cross a finish line. I pride myself in being independent, but I think I need more, so it’s confusing.
Is it possible I’m overreacting, and maybe most people do things alone and are fine? When we’ve broken up in the past, I missed him so much it hurt and couldn’t eat for weeks. I really do love him a lot, but idk if he feels the same or just has a different way of showing it. People with more relationship experience- please help me out. Thanks in advance
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Do you want to be stuck with a man nearly 20 years older than you? He doesn’t sound like much fun, and you have a lot more life left than he does.
If he isn’t a genuine witness to the joys (and sorrows) in your life, then why even bother?
Ex for a reason! You missed the idea, not the reality. Do better for yourself! You’re never gonna get what you want out of him. Move on from this relationship and stop wasting your time. There’s a reason women his age won’t date him. Seek therapy.
The next 20+ years of your life will be spent taking care of him and his illnesses/ ailments. Is that how you want to spend the next chapter of your life?
You’re not overreacting. Regardless of age, you deserve someone to show up for you.
Sounds like you are living life on your own.
What are your reasons for wanting to stay with him?
I think you already know the answer here.
It’s lonelier to be in a relationship alone than to be by yourself alone. A wise friend once told me when I was debating about breaking up with a meh guy after 3 years: whether it’s about shopping and deciding to put a garment in your closet or about deciding on whether to keep a particular man in your life: “if it’s not a ‘hell yes,’ it’s a no.”
It seems you are prolonging the inevitable here. Some men (not all) are willing to keep around women they aren’t into or even like in their lives for the benefits while giving crumbs of affection, emotional intimacy, or more. He’s not going to be the one to break up with you because it sounds like he is getting more fulfillment and support out of the relationship than you do.
It sounds like from what you have written, he has an unresolved or unmanaged alcohol problem and that you all do not have a lot of interests in common.
You’re young and vivacious. You can find someone else who better fits with you. I laugh now when people tried to convince me that early 30s was “old.”
You have a lot of life in you; go live it and find people who actually cherish you and you, them.
You can still love someone and at the same time, it’s not good to be with them or you all can still be incompatible.
If you struggle with breakups and moving on after a normal grief cycle, I would suggest finding a therapist you mesh well with if you are not in therapy yet. Or get self help books on the subject.
How often does he choose to drink over doing something with you?
Completing a half-marathon is a big deal- especially if it’s your first. He didn’t support you when it was important to you- from picking up your race packet… I’m sure that was exciting, to feel that you’ve finally made it after all your hardwork. It would have been nice if he was there, too. Then to not even show up at the finish line?? Why? What was more important than supporting and celebrating your accomplishment?
You’re not wrong for being sad that he didn’t show up. It didn’t matter to him. How many other times has he not cared about your hobbies, accomplishments, goals?
You may say you love him a lot, but do you really want to go through life “partnered but alone?” That sounds worse than just being single to me.
*also, a HUGE Congratulations for running a half-marathon! I can’t imagine the time and dedication it took to reach that point! I have trouble running a 5k, so you’re like an Olympic runner in my eyes lol
It’s good to be comfortable doing some things on your own, but it’s 100% normal and reasonable to want to share some of your interests and experiences with your SO. Not everyone wants the same level of sharing, so in case you had never mentioned that it would be important to you that he participate in this or that, I’d suggest trying that first.
I’m guessing you’ve done that, though, and he keeps not showing up for you. That is unlikely to get better over time, and it seems especially unlikely given your age gap. By the time you’re 40, he’ll be most of the way to 60, and if he’s already less active than you now, I seriously doubt he’ll be running marathons then. That’s perfectly fine for him—no one has to be into endurance sports—but it may be a serious incompatibility.
Chelsea, is that you?? (Any White Lotus fans?)
Expecting your partner to be at the finish line when you finish a half marathon is not expecting too much. Your partner should be there wanting to celebrate your accomplishment with you. If your bf can’t understand that then he doesn’t know how to be in a healthy relationship or he is just plain selfish. Either way, this is not the man for you.
There’s a lot to unpack here…
> I didn’t expect him to come but I got really sad at the finish line when everyone was being congratulated by friends and family and I was alone.
You “didn’t expect him to come” and yet you were obviously very sad when he didn’t.
You need to be honest with yourself and with him about what you want and what your relationship expectations are.
If he knows about those expectations and isn’t meeting them, then he’s not the right partner for you. “When people show you who they are, believe them”
Yes, it’s OK to want your significant other to be there at the finish line, but if you “didn’t expect him” to be there, it shouldn’t have been a shock that he wasn’t there.
>Yesterday I had to go pick up my race packet and he didn’t come to that either, he opted to drink at the pool instead.
To me, picking up a race packet is an errand, so I don’t understand why it was an issue. ?
>I pride myself in being independent
>When we’ve broken up in the past, I missed him so much it hurt and couldn’t eat for weeks.
I don’t think you’re as “independent” as you think you are.
If you can’t eat for weeks every time you and Mr. Nearly Two Decades Older break up, something is wrong there. It’s bad enough that you two break up as often as you do, but to keep going back because you can’t function without him is not healthy.
You’re codependent on him for basic human functions like eating to stay alive.
I’ve never seen an on/off again relationship work out in the end. Every one I’ve seen in my own and my friend’s experiences, ultimately leads to one person getting mad at themselves that it took them so long to finally stay away from an obviously unhealthy relationship. You’re trying to shove a square peg in a round hole and it isn’t going to work.
He’s too old
Girl. He’s almost 50. He’s not going to change.
Get out while you can.