I (30f) have been dating my wonderful boyfriend (38) now for three years. We have been living together for two years and even share a dog together. I have been in multiple long term relationships and I am the longest relationship he’s ever been in. He is the perfect boyfriend. He is kind, patient, and treats me incredibly well. He happens to also be incredibly successful in his career, allowing him to be able to be a great provider with taking care of the rent and house bills. For the last couple of months I have been feeling sadness and I wasn’t really sure why. I gave it some thought and the feeling seemed to change once I turned 30. For context, since I was 19 I had been in 3 different long term relationships and never spent more than a couple of months being single. When I had broken up with my second ex bf (the one before my current bf) I had told myself that I would spend an entire year single so I can put myself first and figure myself out. I ended up meeting my current boyfriend literally weeks after that breakup. Since that meeting, I have never spent more than two weeks away from my current boyfriend. Thinking back on my adult years of life, the fact that I have never been alone started to make me sad. It made me even more sad to think that I might never get the chance again. I can feel this underlying sadness starting to make me become a worse partner. My sex drive has almost vanished. We’ve had sex twice this year mostly due to my fault. My boyfriend has an incredibly high sex drive and I am constantly not in the mood and feel like a constant disappointment. I feel like I’m not fully present in our daily life. It feels selfish of me to even think of breaking up with him for such a silly reason when he is great and hasn’t done anything wrong. Also the thought of having to separate him and the dog breaks my heart. What if I make a huge mistake that I can’t come from. What if being alone is overrated?
TLDR
I want to break up with my amazing boyfriend due to the fact that I have never been alone.
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Go ahead. You dont owe anyone anything.
No. If you’re not making each other happy it’s the best thing to do.
I don’t think this is about your bf. You sound depressed and a bit lost. Maybe do a bit of therapy first? Idk I’d worry about regretting losing the “perfect” guy for the wrong reasons.
Up until you have a child with someone it’s never “selfish” to break up for any reason or no reason at all. But if you feel that way the correction to it might be to promise to reimburse him what you can for his paying your bills for this long.
It’s okay to want to be alone. You sound so stressed.
Have you expressed this to him at all? Have you considered taking a break? I think you should have that conversation with him at the least.
Get therapy, the grass ain’t always greener on the other side.
I was in this exact situation last year, ended the relationship, and regretted it immensely. I would suggest you think about why exactly you want to be alone. What about it appeals to you? For me, I felt I was lacking independence to make my own decisions, and I was idealizing being alone a Lot. Once we had broken up and I was alone, I realized it wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be. For you, is there something lacking in the relationship or in your own life that you feel is contributing to this want of yours?
You are perfectly allowed to break up with anyone for any reason you like. However, I think it’s important to understand completely why you feel this way. I was in the same situation years and years ago too, and after I ended things I realized it had been a deeply unhealthy relationship, and my own intuition was telling me I wanted to be alone for that reason, because being alone was better than being with them. Good luck on working through it!
You can break up for any reason but don’t expect him to be there if you change your mind. I suggest going to therapy and figuring out what’s going on internally with you.
There is a reason you end up getting into long term relationships all the time, you maybe want/need that companionship. I agree with others that you may be depressed and need to talk to a counselor. You can do that online now via zoom. Maybe its not the boyfriend but you haven’t found yourself yet. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to do that alone. You can pursue your interests and hopefully find something that makes you happy.
Agree with the therapy sessions before you make the break
It’s what I’m doing
You desperately need therapy, OP
It also sounds like you have a great need to explore your life by living your life without accountability to anybody, you have a great need to sit with yourself in silence for a season and understand who you are, alone. That’s the discomfort that you’re feeling, that is potentially leading to situational depression.
You have a tough decision to make, walk away from a great guy or give yourself the freedom to explore the restlessness that you feel. Before you blow up your life, I highly suggest therapy. That will help you find root cause, and once you do you’ll be in a better position to make a decision. I would also suggest not sharing this with your partner, you don’t want to cause him pain until you have a better understanding of the storm brewing within your core.
I’m sure that taking time to be alone sounds like the right thing to do. I hope that you will make it clear to your current bf that it has nothing to do with him. Sometimes, I see people in his position who are terribly deflated by these breakups, and run from getting involved again. I hope he will open his heart to someone who appreciates someone like him. I don’t say that to make you sound ungrateful. I’m saying it because I feel sure that he will be gutted. I wish you well in your decision.
First you should go to therapy and then decide! I feel it will help you a lot with making the right choice 🙂 maybe the best option for you is something you can work of yourself that can reinforce your relationship with your boyfriend, or maybe you could be right about needing to experience life on your own, but a professional will be the best option to guide you.
You need therapy, you will regret it as soon as you missed him. And maybe he will not be there when you realizes. Nothing is easy but be alone is not the best thing, I m talking by experience. If he is so good, look what is not in you. Good luck 🍀
You can still be in a relationship and spend time alone. I have a bf of 4 years (my first real relationship and I am a year older than you). I go on trips without him for continuing education. I go on trips with with my friends without him. I take days off during the week so I get alone time from 8am to 5pm. We have separate hobbies although I am gracious and do some of his hobbies with him like shooting, hunting and skinning.
8 years is quite a gap though. I wouldn’t date someone more than 5 years apart. Get some therapy. Figure out why you are sad. I don’t think it’s your bf unless he makes you feel “alone.”
go on a solo trip! get some time alone, go somewhere new and be with yourself and try new things. you can get some alone time and some space without breaking up and some time away will give you clarity. you’ll be able to tell if you miss him and look forward to going back home and being with him or if you feel good doing your own thing and you’ll be able to tell if that’s what you need for a while.
30yo ” in multiple long term relationships” and 38 ” his longest relationship ever 3y”. It’s just two buckets of red flags at square one to be fair…
Get yourself into therapy ASAP. You sound like you need it. You’ve got the “perfect bf” and you want to throw him and the dog away on a feeling that sounds like it’s wrapped up in depression and turning 30. I’ve never understood feeling depressed over a number but, according to my mom, I’m weird. So, please get some therapy under your belt before making such a huge decision. For your sake, his sake and the dog’s.
If he’s done nothing at all wrong, then the problem isn’t the relationship. I would express to him how you’re feeling, start therapy, and maybe experience a trial “separation” just to see if you actually are happier on your own.
I think you need therapy. I did something like that when I was much younger (breaking up after 3 years of relationship with a great guy for no real reason). When I realized that being alone is not all that it was too late. But that was my first relationship, and I didn’t know how life works. You are 30 and this is not your first relationship. Talk to your boyfriend about feeling depressed. Take a trip alone somewhere. See how you like being alone. Imagine him being with another girl. How do you feel about it? Imagine not being able to call him or hug him ever again.
Leave but realize you won’t get him back. He will find someone who wants the things he offers.
Given that you’re not fully engaged in the relationship, ending it is the right decision for both of you
Breaking up isn’t a punishment for doing something wrong – you are certainly entitled to break up just because you aren’t happy.
Most of us dont end up getting the chance to do everything in life that we might want to do. A lot of people never really live alone. A lot of people live their whole lives alone in spite of really wanting a partner. A lot of people figure themselves out while being in a relationship.
Could you move out into your own place without breaking up? Could you travel on your own, get an Airbnb somewhere for a month, something like that? I think you might find the experience doesn’t have to be long term to have value.