so im 17f and ive been talking with someone(29m) for a few months, i met him at school but he doesnt work there anymore. We used to be just friends until recently, but hes never forced me to do anything, he even told me multiple times i didnt have to be with him if i didnt want to. Im asking because one of my friends is saying im being groomed and i should stop talking to him. i dont think i am cause hes been really nice and told me once ill be 18 we wont have to hide our relationship. do you think this is grooming?
edit: i read the comments and i see most people think this grooming, but just to clarify i know most people would probably think this age gap is grooming( and i get why) , but where i live you can conscent to an older adult if theyre not in a position of power. and like i said he used to work at my school ( security guard, not a teacher) but he stopped a couple months ago. just like the other school staff he has a good relatioship with students(when he was still working he used to talk, make jokes with the students,), so we stayed in contact and talked sometimes, we started out as friends and then it just naturally evolved into a relationship. Also he asked me not to talk about it to my parents because he knows they would most likely find the age gap wrong even if he doesnt share the same opinion (btw no matter his age i wouldnt tell my parents cause we just do not talk about dating). some people think its sexual exploitation but i dont think so because im consenting. I get that people think the ages are a red flag but everything else about him is a green flag, hes been super nice and is a good person overall. i understand its a controversial relationsip but if im conscenting and im going to be 18 in like 3 months, then is it really that wrong? how is this different than if i met him 3 months from now and were already 18?
EDIT2!!: i read most of your comments. i feel dumb now, but thanks for all the advice! idk how he will react if i just end the relationship now but ill try to talk to my parents about it tonigth when theyre back from work. again thank you all for taking the time to answer
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Yes.
Stopped reading at 29m. Yes
You’re being groomed.
Yes. Run. There’s an imbalance of power here. That’s the problem. If he works at your school. Also very problematic. You have a good friend
You are absolutely being groomed. If you have to hide the fact that you are seeing someone, there is a problem.
Being really nice to you is part of grooming you.
the same thing happened to me when i was 17 but the person was my boss at work and they were 28, i thought we were "friends" but they ended up forcing themselves onto me eventually… please please RUN far away from that individual… im 23 now and i would never even imagine being with someone under 21 nevermind a teen. that guy is sick and he’s taking advantage of you and worse he may hurt you in the future
Oh honey. An adult man has no business being friends with a 17 year old girl. Besides the fact that it’s inappropriate what could you 2 possibly have in common to talk about?
I’m 27 and honestly don’t even want to talk to let alone be friends with anyone under like 25 because of how different the maturity is. He is a pedo and you are absolutely being groomed
No 29 yo man dates a 17 yo woman if he can get with women his own age. Because it’s wrong. That age difference wouldn’t matter as much if you were 30 and he were 42. You’re at different life stages (or should be) and this is inappropriate on so many levels.
You are 17 and he is 29. Just stop there, yes you are being groomed. That is a very inappropriate age difference. Think about it this way: when you were in first grade, he was graduating high school.
Yes, and sadly, you won’t realize how bad it was until you’re 29 and feel disgusted at the thought. Demi Lovato spoke out about this. She’s not a great role model, but she had a point with this subject.
Yes, 100% grooming. An adult is asking you to keep a secret from the people who care about you. Of course he seems nice, you’d hardly have anything to do with him if he wasn’t pretending to be a good person, would you?
Yup, that age difference is gross. Definitely grooming.
Yikes- you need to run away from this.
Yes. And no normal mentally sound 27-year-old is interested in a 17-year-old. Period. Full stop. Doesn’t matter what the genders are This inappropriate on so many levels.
There’s a power difference there’s an experience difference there’s a life difference and you don’t realize any of this yet because you’re only 17.
Also if you come to the realization that this is so not okay please report this individual because I guarantee you will not be the only minor they have tried this with or will try this within the future and they might not all be as old as you.
All I needed to read was the first sentence. Yes, you are being groomed. You need to talk to your parents.
He’s grooming you, love. Run, don’t walk away from him.
Grooming does involve being really nice to you. That’s like one of the main tactics.
The “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” line is classic grooming. It’s priming you to feel like you consented and that makes it your fault. To be clear, it isn’t your fault. But when someone says that, it’s actually a red flag. It’s pressuring you while saying “I’m not pressuring you.” Saying that doesn’t change the fact that he’s pursuing you romantically. Think about it. You NEVER “have to” so why would someone need to tell you you don’t have to? Of course you don’t have to. That should go without saying, literally. Telling you you don’t have to while putting you in a position to feel like he wants you to is manipulative. It’s textbook.
Yes, you’re being groomed, and all this talk of how you don’t have to be with him is to create the illusion of consent, while he maintains control over the relationship.
Get away from this person.
I didn’t even need to read this post, yes he is grooming you. This man should not be speaking to you or having any kind of relationship with you, for that matter.
You can post this to as many different subs as you like. The answer is going to be the same. As i said in your other post, no healthy relationship requires hiding.
You are being groomed. This is literally a textbook example of grooming. He is an adult, and his job is to say no and not get involved with you. Period.
I know you don’t like what we are saying. I get it. But when you’re 29, or maybe younger, you’re going to look at a 17 year old and understand how gross and wrong it would be to try and get with them.
Stopped reading at this predator’s age. Yes you are being groomed. You need to block this predator on everything.
Yes I’m afraid you are. Regardless of how much you like him he’s too old and if you date him you’ll miss out on the fun stuff of being a late teen/ early 20s. Also the fact you met him at school regardless of the fact he no longer works there is still really dodge. The power dynamic when you met wasn’t equal. Please walk away. You deserve better
yes
in the nicest of ways, you’re not special or mature or his soul mate or whatever shit he’s been telling you
you’re a kid who is easy to control and manipulate
haven’t you wondered why he can’t get a girlfriend his own age?
and the answer is – they would smell his bullshit a mile away and tell him to take a hike
don’t fall for this because you WILL regret it
Run, my bestie for highscool was groomed this way. He gave her the clap and she regrets it (obviously). It’s not worth it.
Yes it’s grooming. Listen to your friends. A guy nearly 30 chasing after a teenager is a creep. Let him go. The being nice part is the grooming. Ghost him and move on with your life. Cling hard to the friends trying to warn you – they are true friends!
Yes.
Ain’t no reason a 29 year old should be speaking to you pretty much at all tbh. Yes, you’re being groomed
“I met him at school”
okay
“…but he doesn’t work there anymore”
👁️👄👁️
Would you date a five year old?
This man should not be dating you just as much as you should not be dating a five year old.
You are absolutely being groomed. Part of grooming is being super nice to the targeted victim, to coerce them into feeling like they’re an equal participant, when they are not, and cannot be, due to the inherent power difference between the groomer and the victim. Having to hide your relationship is a big blaring klaxon that something is wrong. If he weren’t doing something wrong, he wouldn’t want to hide it.
This man got himself a job at a school and picked himself out a child to trick. I know you do not feel like you are a child, but in this context, you are. Regardless of how mature and responsible you are, you are a high school student. You have not yet been given the responsibility and burden of being the sole manager of your life. That experience is what really makes an adult, an adult. It’s why if you were, say, 27, and a potential boyfriend were 39, it wouldn’t be a problem, because you both would be in the same stage of life, with the same responsibilities and freedoms.
This man didn’t single you out and "befriend" you because you are singularly unique and mature. He didn’t pursue you because you are so stunning and kind and funny that he couldn’t help but fall for you. He pursued you because you are a person in a vulnerable position, whom he knew did not have the life experience to recognize what he was doing, and whom he could manipulate.
Look. I’m 30. I know plenty of kids your age through my job. Many of them are really fun people, great to talk to, fun to hang out with. Some of them I could see being friends with if I still know them a few years down the line. Not once has it ever crossed my mind to DATE one of them, because they are KIDS. There is simply no way for someone my age to pursue someone your age without being predatory and coercive.
this is how young girls get into an abusive relationship, or worse, trafficked. A 29-year-old man has no business with a 17-year-old girl. if he was healthy, normal, trustworthy, he would be looking for women his own age.
You’re “talking with.” What does that mean? Texting someone basic hi and stuff isn’t a “relationship you have to hide .“ what are you doing that must be kept hidden until you’re 18?
I was 17. He was 26. It was hell. Please do yourself a favor and cut this person off hard stop. No contact. It will never be good enough to outweigh the damage. I wish I had someone tell me the same.
As yes as possible.
He worked at your school???? What did he do there? Why does he no longer work there?
This man should never be able to work at a school again. This needs to be reported. He is a danger to children.
100%. Tell your parents and cut him off now.
Why would him telling you that "you don’t have to" be with him be a positive?
You don’t have to be with anyone, whether they say so or not! He is taken advantage of your immaturity, as all men who prey on younger women are.
I mean. Probably. As others have said, those ages are a huge red flag. The other one that concerns me is what you say about not needing to hide your relationship. I hope there’s nothing he’s asking you to hide about your relationship now.
If you’re not feeling sure, take some space from him. It doesn’t have to be forever. But you can judge how much he respects you by how he responds. Someone who cares about your well-being is going to support you in taking space if you need it, and support you having close relationships with your friends and family.
Yes.
Why aren’t women closer to his age hanging out with him?
That should be a big red flag.
yes i’m nearly 21 and don’t have anything in common with a 17 year old child . cut contact now
Girl…
Yes, you don’t have to be forced to be with someone for it be be grooming…stop talking to this man.
Yes this is criminal, and you need to tell your parents and report him to law enforcement. The way he’s telling you after you’re 18 you won’t have to hide your relationship is because he is committing a crime by having a relationship with you. He was in a position of trust and power over you when he worked at your school. He works at schools so he can prey on teenage girls because he is a pedo. God forbid you get pregnant, he’ll have you trapped forever.
Let me reiterate, he is committing a crime. This is very serious. You need to report him.
OP, do you know any 8-year-olds?
Can you imagine wanting to date one?
That ickiness is how most 29 year olds feel (and should feel) about the prospect of dating a 17-year-old.
Yes, you’re being groomed. There is no reality in which you’re not being groomed.
Please stay safe and get away from this person.
Let me say this as someone who was 17, with a 24 year old. Yes, you are being groomed. 29 is too old to want to be with a 17 year old. The fact that he is talking about how you "won’t have to hide it when you turn 18" means he knows it’s wrong. Telling you you can end it is a manipulation to make you think you are in control.
My advice, end it, at least until 6 months after you turn 18. Cut ties completely. It will give you time to.reflect and see how you really feel about him, and it will test if he really is OK with ending it. If he pushes back against ending it, that is your red flag!
girl come the fuck on, you need to get the hell out of there
Absolutely 💯 Your friend is trying to protect you. Please listen and stop communicating with this MAN who knows better. Despite how nice he is, this is against the law for a reason.
100% hes grooming you. The MAN is almost 30, its gross that hes going after someone who is a little over half his age.
Sweetie, men that age dont talk to young ladies your age to "just be friends". The moment you are of legal consenting age, theres no telling what he will do or the pressure he will put on you to do things you may not be comfortable with.
I would tell a trusted adult now. If you just block or stop talking to him hes going to find someone else to groom.
“And he told me once I’m 18 we won’t have to hide our relationship” right, cause that’s a completely normal thing to be talking about with a 17 year old as a 30 year old.
29????? Please be fr rn.
I’m 31 and have nothing in common with a 17,18,19 year old, don’t have the same slang or interests. Not even a 20 or 21 year old if I’m being honest.
If somebody not-a-freak knew that guy was talking to someone your age there would be serious consequences for said guy.
One million percent. Yes. Not even a question. Your friend is correct.
Yes. He is grooming you, this how grooming works!
He cares about you, translation – he cares that you don’t object.
Because women his own age are objecting him and his opinions, and that’s something you should take a long, long, long look at, why women his own age are this way with him.
Just to repeat what’s been said…
YES! You’re being groomed. Please block him immediately.
Child, you’re in danger. Tell an adult you trust and stop speaking to this man.
Hes 30! Thirty! And youre a teenage girl. There is no reason a grown man should want to date a teen girl he absolutely is grooming you. Im not blaming you at all youre young and right now you dont think oh its some grown adult man. Hes a nice older guy that gets me. I get it i do but please dont date this man. He should not want a 17 yo girl for innocent purposes. I know he seems nice but he most likely wants you to control you because youre young and impressionable. Hes not a good man to go after you like that. Hes not as nice as he seems. He is a ped0phile thats it. Hes grooming you stay away from that man. You will understand later i promise if u stay away from him youll be glad you did.
Yes. And he knows he’s wrong thats why he wants it hidden for now. Please walk away from him. I was in a similar situation when I was in high school. As soon as I told him that I told someone he ran. They act sweet and innocent to you but they know they are wrong, and overall terrible for it, they just know how to manipulate.
If you’re already in a relationship, you’ve been groomed
Yes. You just defined grooming in your description of his behavior.
Short answer yes … Long answer…. You said it yourself when you are 18 you won’t have to hide your relationship….. If at ANY point before the age of 18 that you need to hide a relationship, it’s not a safe relationship
YES!! He’s gonna ruin your life
Yes – being really nice and telling you you can choose is part of grooming. A 29 year old knows that dating a 17 year old is off the table and is doing it anyway. And he befriended you before that, at your school – that’s predatory behaviour. Run, OP.
This guy is absolutely a very sick person. He’s being nice to you to manipulate you. He knows very well that it’s messed up to be talking to you, and he’s trying to get you to think it’s all your idea by saying stupid things like "you don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to."
It’s not your idea.
A 29 year old guy being into you probably makes you feel sophisticated and interesting. You probably are sophisticated and interesting, but not because of that.
Find people more around your age to talk to and forget about this massive creep. Your friend is a good friend.
Test it out if you don’t believe me. Tell everyone about your relationship. See what happens.
Yes that’s grooming, block him asap
This is like that Demi lovato song that goes “17..29”
About how she was groomed at 17 years old by another actor who was 29. Try listening to it
Yes you need to get away from him
Yes. Number 1 if you have to ask, something is wrong. Very wrong. Number 2, no 29 year old should be talking to a 17 year old. You were never friends, you are not friends, and you likely will never be friends. You should stop talking to him immediately. He’s taking advantage of you. Your relationship is non existent at this point because it’s illegal. That alone should tell you how serious this is. He shouldn’t be talking about you being with him- ever. He has horrible intentions and absolutely under no circumstances should you continue any part of communications with him.
seriously? please learn from this! “once ill be 18”. this is grooming! stop right there. why cant you date someone your age? and especially why cant he? he can, he wont because hes a predator that likes to manipulate young kids to do what he wants. its that simple. anyone can pretend they are nice. if they do exactly this, they are the last thing from being nice. please take everyone saying this seriously. it’s wrong.
Dude I’m 30 and I can only see teens as children. Anyone under like, 26 is a child in my eyes. Ask yourself why doesn’t he find a girl his own age? Why does he pick up girls in high school???
You are def being groomed. Break up with him and tell a trusted adult what is happening!!!
He doesn’t think you’re mature for your age. Women his age see him for the creep he is.
You’re 17, someone 11 years older than you showing interest is grooming. Most likely by the time you’re 18 he’ll have another 17 year old in his sights, or younger. This (most likely) isn’t his first rodeo, either. Your friends are smart, listen to them. Also him saying bs like not having to be with him if ‘you don’t want to’ is throwing the decision back at you, the hope is, that somewhere along the timeline of whatever fuckery he’s playing at, you’ll feel guilty for not doing whatever and then doubt your decision bc he’ll play the jilted party, and then end up doing it. Your friends are 100% correct in their judgement of this situation. Dude’s predatory.
I was 18. He was 31. It has left life long scars. He told me I was mature for my age, that our love was like no other, so many sweet and beautiful things. Then we moved in together and it went to hell.
He ended things by telling me he was gay and that he loved me like a sister (while still having sex with me). He then went on to marry a woman younger than me.
It isn’t worth it.
when i was 14 something very similar happened to me with a 28 yo man, i had abusive and neglectful parents and it made me an easy target. he started nice, always complimenting me and giving me the attention i wanted so badly, but it didnt take long before it became a nightmare. it started with "you dont have to"s but after the first time it quickly turned into "then you dont really love me" and threats to hurt himself. all while reminding me constantly not to tell anyone, because he would go to jail and die in jail. he made me feel bad for him and think that i loved him. when adults finally did find out i lied for him and deleted all the evidence. that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. no matter what happens, what is happening is not your fault, you will not get in trouble, he knows better, he knows he can get in trouble for this. deep down, i knew even then it was wrong, but i was too scared to do anything, and i believed i would be in trouble too, now my groomer will likely never be punished for what he did to me, or for what i know he did to others. i know its scary, but please go to a trusted adult and have them help you report him. please stay safe, im hoping for the best for you
So, your first two sentences are all the info anyone needs. Yes. He’s grooming you.
There’s no other situation a 29 year old man wants to be around a 17 year old girl
Yes. Take it from someone who’s had the 18-28 age difference…. I’m 23 now and looking back on that I just get the biggest ICK. There’s a reason he’s not looking for someone in his age range…
Yes dude you are literally being groomed.
Short answer yes. Long answer yes he is trying to groom you. Ask him why he can’t be with someone his own age
A minor celebrity from New York did this to me when I was 19. He was in his late 40s. He was not in fact that nice to me at all.
You have a good friend. You are being groomed. Please tell a parent or trusted adult about this.
This is the very definition of grooming.
Yes you are. A 12 year difference is huge at your age. I suggest you end this friendship asap.
17 year olds should be hanging out with people your age with the same mentality and interests.
I don’t see any good coming out of this.
I find it awfully tragic that you seem excited by the prospect of being groomed. It’s almost, too, like you’re using the mere suggestion to try and gain attention from people you don’t know.
What are you missing to think this is acceptable behavior?
And to all the young adults who feel hopeless and in despair about the state of things, this person could still use your help. I mean maybe she’s lonely, too. If you have to use your own exploitation as bait, it’s got to be pretty rough.
Truly makes me wonder what humanity is coming to.
Yes
I don’t even need to read past 17 and 29 to say yes. Absolutely
Edited to add: there’s a reason you have to hide your relationship
Yes, it is grooming. There is a world of difference in the mentality and experiences of a 17 year old and a 29 year old. The fact that he’s just waiting until you are ”legal” shows what he ultimately feels for you – nothing good. End this relationship now and keep strong in not having anything to do with him. He is getting off on the power he has over you. There is someone out there, younger who you will fall in love with and the two of you will share the joy of coming together sexually. This guy is just creepy.
Yes. He’s into school aged girls. In a year he will drop you if not sooner. Do Not Trust him
100%. Cut off all communication.
Also it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t work at your school anymore. He is not allowed to have personal relationships with current or former students. You are probably not the first but you could help be the last.
This is infact textbook grooming, a 29 year old told should not want to date you at 17, and they are ALWAYS very nice
Yes. You are being groomed. Run.
You’re 17 & he’s 29, he’s really nice – YES!!! He’s Grooming you!
It’s not the age gap that’s the give away, so much as your ages.
Please get out of this situationship as quickly and safely as you can!
Yes. Stop talking to this person and block on all platforms. They are manipulating you. You are being abused. Your friend is right.
I’m 27 now. When I was 17, I was hooking up with a 28 year old. At the age I am now, I’m disgusted at the thought of that relationship. Yes you’re being groomed. Run far away.
Simple answer: yes. Yes you’re being groomed.
Why ask if we think this is grooming and when the adults with fully developed brains say yes, you argue that he’s really nice and all the green flags? He was 19 when you were 7… does that age gap not give you the ick!?!
Why is not pursuing women HIS age? Because they see the red flags that you don’t have the experience to see yet.
I’m going to start by saying I understand how you feel. I was in a relationship with a 29 y/o at 17.
This is gonna sting but it’s the hard truth: you’re not super mature for your age he’s very immature for his.
He is interested in women your age because women his age are not into him. He could also have a barely legal kink thing which means he will dump you as soon as you don’t fit the role.
Now, I want you to honestly think about what you’re dating life is going to look like. He is not going to be allowed to attend any of your high school dances as your date, he is far too old regardless of you being 18, the school will say no because they have age limits on people that can attend those things in non-chaperone roles. You will not be able to go out with him and his friends, you’re under 21 and most of the places if not all that they’re going to go will require you to be 21 over. He probably won’t even want his friends to know about you because most 29-year-olds will shame a fellow 29-year-old for dating someone who still in high school. So that leaves just you too. This may seem romantic, but it’s very isolating, and that is his intention. It’s not you and him against the world like he’s going to tell you, it’s him isolating you so he can have you. He’s not going to be accepted in your social circle especially as your friends starting to get older and realize how strange it is that a nearly 30-year-old man wants to hang out with highschoolers. While you may not be getting groomed, you are being taken advantage of and manipulated and I know that hurts and I know that pride makes you not want to acknowledge that but you need to. Because you will someday be in your 40s and realize how absolutely disgusting this whole situation is and how gross he was for being a borderline pedophile.
Grandma here….”we used to be just friends”
No 29 year old has any business being “friends” with a 17 year old.
This man is grooming you. Please shut this down. Men like this are abusive and horrible. He is stealing your youth then when he’s done with you…he will find a new victim.
Grooming is teaching you to become who he wants you to be instead of teaching you what you need to know to be able to choose who you want to be for yourself.
It works by making you feel good and rewarding you for the time you spend with him and for doing things he enjoys.
It also works by isolating you from other perspectives and pushing you to rely on him for emotional support.
You need to be emotionally independent in any relationship you have.
If you feel like you need him and can’t be happy without him, it is a sign that the relationship isn’t healthy and that you should get out of it and learn how to be happy outside of relationships before seeking one.
With people around your age, both of you are usually as lost as the other and still figuring things out, which means none can push the other into becoming what they want because they none know what they want.
With two older people, normally, both already know what they want and can’t be pushed into wanting something else by their partner.
When there is a big age gap, however, one already know what they want while the other is still figuring things out so they can, even sometimes unconsciously, push them into fitting their ideal partner even if it isn’t what the other would have wanted if they had known all the implications.
So, do you know what you want? Does he know what he wants? If he did, would you know it? Could you refuse to do what makes him happy and still be fine? Would he accept your refusal?
Relationships are messy. People often struggle with them all their life. But struggling means that you’re conscious of the implications. That you’re not living in a fairy tail someone else built for you as a way to control you.
In the end, you’re the only one who can choose who you date and what you do, and learning how to decide for yourself is an obligatory step in life.
So, question all that is happening. Picture the person you want to be before the future you want to have. Then, decide for yourself if you want to become the person that you are becoming.
You are being groomed. Block and move on.
"Once you’re 18, we won’t have to hide any more"?? If you weren’t being groomed, you wouldn’t have to hide!
In ten years this age gap isn’t a problem. Right now, it is a problem. He is almost 30 and trying to be with someone in high school. Please understand exploring relationships with peers should be a thing from your teens into your 20’s. More mature adulthood might bring one of these age gap relationships and that is when it’s a more appropriate season of life to have one.
No normal 29 year old is friends with 17 year olds
"Don’t tell your parents" is the biggest red flag in any situation. When you hear those words, you need to be sprinting away while calling the police.
Trust your internet big sisters and brothers. There is no way this relationship is one among equals. You deserve better.
I can see the attraction. When i was 19 my first bf was 36. I lived out in the sticks and it was great to have someone who had a car, went out of his way to see me, knew a bunch of fun things to do.
But you might see if you try to cross him or disagree with him on something important. He doesn’t consider you equal, he will always expect you to concede to him. Please be careful and trust yourself.
If you have to hide it from the most important people in your life/your parents then it’s a huge red flag and also- grooming.
There is NO reason on this entire planet that a 30 year old man should or would be interested in a teenager except for the fact that it’s creepy and illegal and he’s grooming.
One day you yourself are going to be 29, you’re going to meet a seventeen year old boy out at the store or at work or wherever, and you’re going to think to yourself "Why the hell was that guy ever into me at that age? That was a literal child I just met!" and it’s going to recontextualize this entire thing for you.
In the meantime; I’m 29 right now and I’d never fathom it. There is a power imbalance inherently built into an age gap that large at that age and it’s made up of pure human experience if not anything else, even if he doesn’t make more money than you, even if he isn’t very educated or worldly or wise. The power imbalance is that he’s had what feels like (in my own experience) another lifetime’s worth of lived experiences on you and he’s willing to exploit that to be with someone who I can assure you he sees as a vulnerable and malleable person. Be very, very careful.
I stopped reading at the ages. The answer is yes.
Your consent has nothing to do with it. He has manipulated you into consenting by being nice and friendly and telling you that it’s your choice. He is grooming you.
He’s with you because no one his own age wants him. He’s being really nice as part of his game. This is absolutely not okay. No adult should ask you to hide things from your parents!! EVER!!
A man that is damn near 30 trying to get at a 17 year old is bad news. Please block him, please.
You cannot consent to being abused. Grooming is that act of coercing “consent.”
Hi, honey. A lot of the other comments here are saying the age gap automatically makes this grooming. I get why they’re saying that, but that is not what you are asking.
Here is something I copied from the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) website about grooming– what it is, what it looks like, the typical pattern it follows, how to recognize the signs. Sorry for the length, but it might be more helpful for you to read this:
"One tool common to those who sexually abuse kids is grooming: manipulative behaviors that the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught. While these tactics are used most often against younger kids, teens and vulnerable adults are also at risk.
Grooming can take place online or in-person. It’s usually employed by a family member or someone else in the victim’s circle of trust, such as a coach, teacher, youth group leader or others who naturally have some interaction with the victim.
Though grooming can take many different forms, it often follows a similar pattern.
Victim selection: Abusers often observe possible victims and select them based on ease of access to them or their perceived vulnerability.
Gaining access and isolating the victim: Abusers will attempt to physically or emotionally separate a victim from those protecting them and often seek out positions in which they have contact with minors.
Trust development and keeping secrets: Abusers attempt to gain trust of a potential victim through gifts, attention, sharing “secrets” and other means to make them feel that they have a caring relationship and to train them to keep the relationship secret.
Desensitization to touch and discussion of sexual topics: Abusers will often start to touch a victim in ways that appear harmless, such as hugging, wrestling and tickling, and later escalate to increasingly more sexual contact, such as massages or showering together. Abusers may also show the victim pornography or discuss sexual topics with them, to introduce the idea of sexual contact.
Attempt by abusers to make their behavior seem natural, to avoid raising suspicions. For teens, who may be closer in age to the abuser, it can be particularly hard to recognize tactics used in grooming. Be alert for signs that your teen has a relationship with an adult that includes secrecy, undue influence or control, or pushes personal boundaries."
Does any of this sound familiar?
Here is the page I got this from: https://rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs
I strongly suggest visiting that page i linked. There are 3 stories from survivors that might also help you decide what is happening here.
Remember, YOU have done nothing wrong. NOTHING. Like everyone else on the planet, you wanted love and respect and attention, and an older man offered that to you, in exchange for keeping it secret. You will not be in trouble if you ask for help from adults who care about you. If that is not your parents, then go to your grandparents, aunt, uncle, friend’s parents, the school, police, or any other caring adult and ask for help.
Right now, this all feels good and exciting. He is making sure of that, so that, later, when it is scary and painful and traumatic and sickening, you will automatically blame yourself for it instead of him. That’s the whole point of grooming: so that you will blame yourself, instead of him, for the pain he has always intended to inflict on you.
I wish you the best of luck, dear girl. If you can’t think of who in your life to ask for help, feel free to reply to me and we’ll figure something out together.
You can do this, kiddo. 💙
I’m gonna go a slightly different direction – while I agree this is problematic and probably "grooming", the guy may not be doing it maliciously.
Often grooming is seen as older adults maliciously trying to seduce younger people because they’re specifically attracted to and want to abuse kids or very young adults.
It’s possible this guy genuinely likes you and is a kind person and doesn’t have any malicious intent. Maybe you look or act mature for your age and so he forgets you’re 17. The age gap, if later in life, wouldn’t be as much of an issue – if you were 30 and he were 42…no issues really.
However, at 17 you’re not a legal adult and his actions are problematic even if his intent is not malicious.
THAT SAID- I’m not discounting the possibility that he actually iss maliciously grooming you, and for all these reasons, id strongly recommend you end the relationship.
Search other posts on Reddit and you’ll quickly find young women at 24 who have been with these men for five years. None of them end well and they are invariably emotionally and sometimes physically abused.
As others have said, no NORMAL 29 year old wants anything to do with someone your age. It as nothing to do with you. It has everything g to do with him. If he were a normally functioning man, he’d be dating women his age. There is a reason he isn’t. My son is 25 and doesn’t even remotely look in the general direction of his 18 year old cousin’s friends and hangs with us adults at the lake (except to drive the boat on the lake with us, etc.) as he feels like an old man creep around them. So should your dude.
He is grooming you.
Why would you ask reddit for our opinion if you are just going to edit your post to convince us it’s NOT grooming? Your mind is made up, but I’m sorry- it is still grooming.
I got groomed and it was like the exact same age gap and a similar situation. And of course he’s nice, it’s way easier to manipulate people if they like you. This is literally like textbook grooming.
It seems like you’ll argue no matter what people say, but yes. Bring 18 doesn’t automatically make it okay. You’re still young and figuring out who you are. At 29, he’s more experienced and has had a chance to figure out being an adult. It’s grooming- he shouldn’t have maintained contact after leaving the school, even just to be friends. And this was absolutely his goal/intention.
I’ve been in similar circumstances, but got lucky in that I got bored of them quickly. Looking back (now that I’m in my late 30s) on the situation, I can imagine being attracted to a much younger person, but also can’t really imagine having much to talk about/relate to in a way I like to with my partner
Yes, you are being groomed.
Healthy, safe and legal relationships are not hidden, and they don’t come with "you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to" comments because a situation that is good for you would never be questioned like that, plus the fact that an adult man is aware that saying that to an adult woman would sound condescending because an adult woman is fully aware that they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. He said that because he knows that you are still a teenager and still have it trained in your mind to listen to authority. Not to mention you met him at school which i can only assume by the age gap was because he was employed there.
Age gaps are more acceptable when everyone is an experienced adult who understands the concept of independent thinking. Even then, a 40-something dating a 20-something will more likely than not still be a mismatch because of where they would be in life and what their goals would be based on their lived experiences thus far. If an almost 30 year old adult wants a teenager then that is a clear indication that the adult has something wrong with them.
Get away from that guy and tell the people around you about him so they can help with keeping him away. Let yourself be young; stay away from creepy men who regret their life choices.
It’s not your fault at all, and this absolutely is grooming. Him making you think it’s your choice is part of it.
Little word of advice, anytime someone mentions “hiding your relationship” you should immediately be uneasy about them. I get that you don’t talk to your parents about dating (I didn’t either a lot growing up), but he’s telling you not to tell your parents because he knows it’s wrong and he’d get in trouble for it. Massive red flag.
Also, if you were legally old enough to consent, the age gap is still inappropriate. Just because something is okay in the eyes of the law doesn’t necessarily mean it’s morally okay. I’m 32 so he and I are relatively the same age, and I can assure you if one of my friends was dating a 17 or 18 year old I’d tell him to stop immediately, and would stop hanging out with him too.
Yes and the fact that he was a security guard and not a teacher at your school does not make it better
You’re a teenager and he’s an adult.
You have nothing in common, he has led you to believe you have everything in common and more.
He is a gross man. Run, do not walk.
Just two measly years ago you were 15 and he was still, 27. I at age 27, I can’t even look near someone that is age 20, it’s too young and it’s overwhelmingly uncomfortable to even think of them that way, and they’re 20, they’ve been adults for two years. Your brain develops until you’re 25 and it genuinely makes a difference in how you make decisions. Just consider that from your internet big sister. But stop talking to this nasty creep.
Has even 1 person here said that you’re relationship sounds ok? You asked the question for a reason. Trust your instincts and run from this predator
Not tell your parents? Yeah. Not good. And he probably has a baby momma hiding somewhere too.
Personally, for me, as a 30yo person, I would never find anything attractive in a 17yo person. It’d feel insane.
As someone who dated older men in their teen years, it took me till my 30s to realize what the reality was. Please for the love of god, listen.
It doesn’t matter how nice he is, or that he doesn’t make you do anything. It doesn’t matter what the laws are. The fact is when you’re 29 you’re going to see 17 year olds and think omg they’re just kids… I started feeling that at 24.
Now at 35 and as a parent I am HORRIFIED. I now know that there is no reality where a grown ass man (or woman!) dates a teenager for ANY good reason.
I was very independent at 17 and moved out and supported myself early due to my shitty family situation. So due to my trauma I felt very mature and grown, and I was in a lot of ways. This is a tale as old as time.
Just take it from someone who now suffers daily with the reality that I was only alluring to those men because I was underage… it became very clear when I got “too old” for them. It is a haunting and destructive realization that really fucks with you deeply. I’ve been in therapy for decades and only really got it when I became a parent.
Learn from my mistakes please.
Your point about being 18 is a good one.
It’ll still be grooming even if it’s legal.
Please trust us. Many of us have been there. For me, my friends and I were about 13 and the guys were around 18. That’s a lot smaller difference but hopefully you immediately see the ick there.
We thought we were cool and mature.
We were just vulnerable and easy prey for a variety of reasons.
Yes you are but it sounds like you have chosen to ignore the advice here so I won’t comment further.
If you think he is a great guy, what do you friends and family think about him?
>i dont think i am cause hes been really nice and told me once ill be 18 we wont have to hide our relationship.
This is a literal component of grooming, as well as a literal admission to it.
He’s messing around with a girl barely entering womanhood, bc grown women see through his bs too fast, and he needs someone more impressionable. I am telling you, whatever you think you know about life, he is banking on it being nothing.
>even told me multiple times i didnt have to be with him if i didnt want to
He said this so you’ll blame yourself when he hurts you.
You asked the question, and you know the answer. Re-read your edit. If someone else wrote it, you’d tell that person they’re in danger.
Whether or not the relationship is legal is one thing. He’ll still use his age and experience to isolate and abuse you. It’ll just be legal then.
>hes been really nice and told me once ill be 18 we wont have to hide our relationship.
Like this line is could literally be straight from a pedophiles textbook. It would funny if it wasn’t so fucking disgusting.
He’s going to hurt you.
Of course he believes the age gap is okay and your parents wouldn’t agree. The guy is a pedo, he doesn’t want you to tell your parents and made up a very reasonable excuse…to you at least. You’re a kid he’s an adult. Of course he’s nice to you…. That’s how you get groomed.
OP this how young girls get sex trafficked.
Based on your edit, you seem to really want to defend this guy as perfect except for this "one controversial little thing." Look up grooming and modern day sex trafficking.
Sure, it’s not the only reason a 29 year old wants to be with a teen, but it can very well be. All other possible reasons are gross, but I don’t think you even realize how much danger you can be in.
Also of course he’s nice to you and to students in your school. How’s a predator supposed to catch his target if he revealed his true intentions from the beginning?
Ask your school admin if/why he was let go. They probably won’t tell you much, but you might not have been his only target.
All I had to read was the first sentence. Yes you are getting groomed. What else does a 30yr old man want with a 17yr old…..
Yes, you’re being groomed.
If you didn’t want to hear that, why did you post? Your edit honestly just makes the situation sound even worse.
Just because you are legally allowed to consent doesn’t change anything. You are not equal partners in this relationship, and you can’t possibly be.
Whenever someone who is older than you says don’t tell your parents, sure sounds like grooming.
Yes, dear, he is definitely grooming you. There is a power imbalance you are too young to understand. When you turn 18, do you plan to go to college or learn a skilled profession? You need time for yourself at 18, to focus on yourself and decide what you want and need in life, get to know yourself and experience the world as a single person. and not immediately be responsible for the needs of another person .
No self-respecting 29 year old male wants a 17 year old minor. This guy is a creep. Ghost him. And tell your parents, no matter how hard it will be. They need to notify the school district that this guy is a menace to kids. He’s going to do it to someone else!
Why does a 29 year old man need to talk to a 17/18 year old child. He is saying “you don’t have to do anything or be with me if you don’t want to” to make you feel comfortable, that’s the grooming part. He is a creep and needs to find a woman his own age. Please don’t get sucked into this, he doesn’t have the best intentions. He will end up hurting you some way or another
It’s different because he shouldn’t be going after someone as young as you anyway, even if you were 18. I’m 21 and I’d never date a 29 year old omg. Not to mention the power dynamic, you’re exposing yourself to possible trauma by dating this man. Do you know why he isn’t dating someone his own age? Why his past relationships didn’t work? Does he usually date minors? The fact that he’s asking you not to tell your parents about yous too, whether you wanted to or not, he’s already trying to seperate you from your closest support system. Your friend is right, don’t even risk it. I understand if you didn’t want to break up with him, but at least put yourself in a BETTER position by telling someone about this. You’re supposed to be able to trust your parents not randoms on the internet.
Yes. This is creepy. It would have been just as creepy if you were 18. Your 18th birthday isn’t a magical moment where you spin around and are an adult like in the Sims. Its a random legal line, not a moral one.
Youre a teenager and he’s almost 30. You shouldn’t be dating.
I dated someone in his late 20s when I was 19. It is something I regret immensely. He was really nice to me at first, too. I’m trying to think of what anyone could’ve said to me to protect me from the pain of what was to come. I guess not much. If you’re questioning his intentions and you have great friends that are looking out for you, then you should take a big step back. You have this opportunity to have fun with your friends and rely on them. They love you and want to see you succeed.
Any good 29 year old would have prospective lovers in his own age group. As Olivia Rodrigo would say "girls your age know better." And I’d also recommend "Dear John" and "Would’ve could’ve should’ve" for the full circle grooming songs by Taylor Swift. I can’t hardly stand to listen to WCS because it’s so pognient.
I hope you stay well whatever you decide. And if he puts his hands on you, you run, and you never look back.
The fact that he said “don’t tell your parents” tells you all you need to know. I remember being your age and thinking I must be so mature and special for an older man to be interested in me. And while that may be true, that man is the opposite of you. He can’t get someone his age to date him so he preys on younger women that aren’t as familiar with his games.
Im not so much concerned with the age gap but rather your current ages. You are at very different times in your lives. If you were 29 dating a 41 year old that would be much more acceptable in my mind. You need to experience more life as a young person dating people who are in the same season of life as you. I would hate for you to be taken advantage of.
If he was a “good person” then he wouldn’t be friends with or talking to a 17 yr old girl. There’s a reason why he’s not talking to a woman his own age. Because that’s what a normal 29m should be doing – talking to a “woman”, not a 17 or 18 yr old girl. Sorry OP, he’s not the good guy you think he is.
Read your edit. YES you are being groomed. It doesn’t matter that you can consent, it’s grooming. He literally doesn’t want you to tell anyone. HUGE red flag. Run, run away. Never talk to this man again.
Like I tell my daughter all the time. There’s a reason he’s not dating women his age. You don’t want to find that out.
I’m 18F. I’m actually not against age gaps and i would date an older guy (so i might get downvoted for that part because i get a lot of people on Reddit dislike age gaps), but this relationship doesn’t sound good because you’re still 17, you met him at school while he was working there, and he asked you not to talk to your parents about it/talked about how you won’t have to hide your relationship anymore once you’re 18. Too many flags and this doesn’t sound good
17 + 29 = grooming
You’re right OP it doesn’t matter if you’re 17 or 18. Whether it’s legal or not is not what makes something right or wrong. The fact that a 29 year old is interested in someone in high school is wrong. You don’t suddenly become an adult on your 18th birthday and automatically know everything or are able to make the right decisions. The line is there because unfortunately there are too many predators out there and it has to be drawn somewhere. A 29 year old who is attracted to high school students is a predator. this is not a morally gray area. A normal well adjusted man would view a high school student the way you view an 8th grader. Maybe it feels like you’re an adult already and your situation is unique but listen to your friend and the hundreds of people you came to for advice and who are all saying the same thing, many of whom are speaking from personal experience and regret.
Innocent people don’t tell a minor “don’t tell your parents.” Only people with bad intentions say that.
I tell my toddler, if anyone says to you “don’t tell your parents you’ll get in trouble” come tell us. IMMEDIATELY!!!! You won’t be trouble. Adults only say that to guilt kids so they’ll be quiet and the adult can get away with something.
This is not a good situation. Get out. Do not pass go, do not collect 200, leave!
I know you think you are special, and different from other teenagers, making you feel mature enough for this; you aren’t. You can acknowledge that now or be in therapy later as another statistic we all pity. No one who wants to keep you a secret, regardless of age, is good news. I’ll tell you what I tell four year olds, “Safe adults don’t ask you to keep secrets from your parents.” He’s not an, “older adult,” because you are not one. Even if you were, there is still a significant power discrepancy. I notice you did not say he, “quit,” so I think we all have ideas why he “stopped,” working.
The fact that you have to hide your relationship until you’re 18 tells you that he’s a groomer.
Get out before you ruin the direction of your whole life!