Am I just overthinking? Or is she cheating?

r/

This is gonna be a long one, so bare with me and please keep it civil. Not looking for any incel-tier advice.

Background: my gf and I have been together for 3.5 years and cohabitate. I am 27 she is 23. I have never known her to be a liar, she has always been where she says, with who she says, doing what she says. She is a bad liar, and doesn’t lie often- until recently.

Weve had a great relationship for the most part, and have been very much in love up until maybe 3 months ago. Last year we moved further from where we work, and I had to take a lower paying job, and it has affected us a great deal. She has had to pick up the slack, which I feel terrible for. After a death in the family (my mother) I became depressed as hell and frankly stopped looking for something better. So those are my faults which kind of set the stage for her loss of attraction.

A little more background on our dynamic: we are both pretty jealous by nature and fairly possessive of each other. She doesn’t like it if I even hold a door for a woman, and she definitely wouldn’t like it if I were texting another woman even innocuously. I am pretty much the same way. We both recognize this is just a ridiculous part of how we are wired, and that it isn’t logical, and we never give each other hell or argue over these things. Just trying to paint a picture here.

She has OCD, I have OCD w ADD, both depressed, if that helps.

So: about 4 months ago she came to me in tears. She told me she is attracted to a guy she works with, who had made a move on her in the past, which she rejected. He had already been a topic of conversation once, and I obviously dont like the guy. I was shocked. This is a girl who frequently says how much she hates men and doesn’t find other men attractive. Naive of me to buy that, but still. I was shocked. I questioned her quite a bit on it and after the initial anger wore off I realized that it sounded just like a regular crush that we all experience from time to time. She was feeling incredibly guilty for having these feelings at all, and felt she needed to tell me. I appreciated her telling me, but I wish she hadn’t.

I asked if they had hung out, no. Do they text? No. Do they flirt at work? No. Is he aware of any of this? No. I then told her that in light of what she just told me, she’d have to continue not texting/hanging with him and just generally do her best to put distance between them. She agreed.

I also asked her how these feelings even came up if theyre not texting or hanging out or flirting at work. She said that after his initial advance (which I will get to later) he backed off in a major way and was very respectful of her space, which made her attracted. They also went out as part of a group of coworkers to a bar, and that was when she really “caught feelings” Now, none of that really makes good sense to me. Bad gut feeling there, which i will get to later.

A couple months go by and it comes up again. She says the feelings haven’t gone away and she feels guilty and doesn’t know how she can be with me but have these feelings. At this point im at a loss on what to do. I wanted to break up with her on the spot, but I love this woman. Until a couple months ago, she was perfect. We talked about taking a break and I told her that under no circumstances would we be getting back together after a break, thats crazy. So she decided to stay, affirmed that she loves me and is sorry, and again maintained there has been no contact between them beyond work stuff.

However, im a huge overthinker. Which is bad for me, and also bad for anyone potentially cheating on me. So I went through her phone.

I found a conversation between them going back months, not even that many messages, but just sporadic texts here and there about bullshit. Sending memes and videos, that sort of thing. Nothing remotely flirty, and most of it seemed to be her doing the reaching out. I was pretty upset but felt i was in a funny position. She wasnt explicitly cheating, and i had explicitly invaded her privacy. She broke my boundary, but it still felt like overreacting to say anything just yet. So i sat on that info and made it a point to myself to keep checking if anything suspicious came up.

Then about 2 weeks ago on a day i had work she had planned to get food with a female coworker she is friends with. She was in contact the whole time, but I couldn’t shake the bad feeling I got. I ended up finding out from regular ol social media that they had gone to an event that the male coworker in question was hosting in the same town. I about fucking lost it. Checked her phone and sure enough, there’s them buying the tickets.

The next day I would barely speak to her, and she asked if I was angry, to which I replied “beyond angry”. I asked if she knew why. She said she had a good idea. When I eventually calmed down we spoke, she cried, she apologized, she also kinda tried to shift the blame to me. Referencing my lack of motivation, my shitty job, even things that happened before the relationship. She also tried to downplay what happened “we weren’t there very long” “other coworkers were there” “I literally just said hi to him and he thanked me for coming, that’s it” I told her that while all of that is valid, it doesn’t excuse her breaking my trust and what was a firm boundary. I told her this was absolutely the final straw and if it happened again we would be breaking up, period. She again affirmed she just loves me and wants this to work and we moved on. She was upset I went through her phone but said she would have done the same.

Except, I haven’t moved on. Not even close. In fact, I would say it sent me spiraling into what I can only describe is me at my worst.

I have checked her phone multiple times a week since the event in question, and I’m fairly disturbed by what I saw, and dont really know what to make of it.

I mentioned before that she and a bunch of her coworkers went out drinking as a group, thats where she said the attraction began. Except, when I searched his name, I saw a text from her to a different coworker, on that day 6 months ago, asking if she could invite the guy in question because she wants to “Flirt outside work” her coworker responded “do your thing i dont cock block”. Pretty damning. She did get drunk that night, and although she was in contact pretty frequently, there is about a full hour she was not.

2 weeks ago, she deleted 18 of their texts. I recovered them, and it was just more of the same bullshit. She told him about a trip she went on with friends. The rest of the conversation which i had seen was still there. 1 week after, I notice there’s now 82 deleted texts. My heart sank. I recovered them and was surprised to see it was actually just the entire conversation I had already seen, plus her asking if he could cover her shift. She had deleted their entire convo. A few days ago, I check and the conversation is still deleted, but showing 62 deleted texts. I check. Again, all stuff ive seen before plus a couple of new texts where she sent him their work schedule. Last night I check again. 41 deleted texts. All the same. Just a new work related text on his end.

I tried to rationalize this at first. “I mean, it makes sense she would delete even the work-related stuff, shes afraid I will see it and break up with her” valid. And then it dawned on me. why is the number of texts in the convo constantly changing? Recently deleted clears itself after 30 days, but it hadn’t even been close to 30 days. Her messages dont auto-delete after a specified time, either. I dont think its a sync issue either, because the number of other texts in her recently deleted hasnt changed at all. Seems to just be this one conversation.

So now im freaking out. Is she clearing the sensitive stuff from recently deleted, and then deleting the whole thing to make it seem like shes just trying to hide regular work stuff? For the record, she knows I have gone through her phone, and she probably knows I have recovered deleted texts. Especially if she checks her recently deleted. She would see the # of days til permanent deletion has gone up.

Either way, this has done a lot of damage. Ive been quietly making plans to leave and improving myself, but not for her. I dont trust her anymore. When she runs errands I worry, when shes on her phone I worry, when she acts weird I worry. All I do these days is worry about a relationship im fairly certain is doomed to fail. And now, my eye is wandering too. Wandering to pretty women who I fantasize about being loyal to me. Its ridiculous, it needs to stop.

But heres the thing- if Im wrong, and she really is just deleting acceptable work related texts, and she really has stopped texting him otherwise for like a month, and she is genuinely sorry about breaking my trust, then I’m throwing away a girl who like i said, up until a few months ago was literally perfect. And I dont want to do that, because thats a life altering mistake.

My issue at this point is again, the trust. When I ask her who she worked with on a given day, I never hear his name. I know they work together once or twice a week. So shes omitting him, probably just to protect my feelings. But, she is still being deceitful. Between leaving him out of talking about her day, the deleted texts, etc, I feel like even if she hasnt or isn’t explicitly cheating, she certainly has created the opportunity to do so, and is getting awfully used to telling lots of little white lies.

I want to bring this up, but I dont know if I can. I’ve severely invaded her privacy, which makes me feel like shit, and I haven’t even found anything she cant just deny or use to label me insecure. So I just keep collecting “evidence” and waiting for her to slip up, and so far she hasn’t again.

Like I said, I dont want to throw away what was a great relationship over a stupid crush. Her breaking my boundary and lying to me was a final straw, and she knows that, and hasnt done anything since as far as im aware. But, my gut. Oh god, my gut. It is telling me that not only is she planning to cheat, but that she probably already has, and that even if she hasnt its a matter of time with her pattern of lies.

Besides the deleted texts, the night she went out with coworkers is really bothering me. I have a bad feeling that something happened between them, but her texts to her best friends suggest the opposite. Regardless, I feel like between his initial advance, them hanging out in a group months later, and then her coming to me a few months later, something isn’t adding up. Can’t shake that feeling. She has vehemently denied, not that thats worth anything.

Before anyone asks, it would not be easy for me to just pack up and go. I took a risk cohabitating with her and taking a pay cut, and im kind of stuck here for the time being. I would need time to get my ducks in a row before moving out.

Also, I know im insane. But I feel like I’ve been pushed to that point, rather than it being a character flaw lol.

Any advice or speculation is greatly appreciated, or if anyone has been through something similar. Reading it all out im kind of confused as to how she wouldnt be cheating in this situation lol

Comments

  1. TacoLag99 Avatar

    Bro, imma be real here. It seems like you’re living in a world of paranoia rn. You gotta draw the line ASAP, this ain’t good for your mental health. Yeah, she messed up, but she ain’t even taking full responsibility. Ditch this relationship, start fresh, trust me it’s gonna be worth it in the long run. It’s not just about her respecting boundaries, it’s about you respecting yourself. Don’t mean to sound harsh, just my 2 cents. Peace.

  2. MistySnuggle Avatar

    Emotional cheating is cheating. Trust your gut.

  3. I_Love_Treees Avatar

    You should leave her.

    She sounds like a bigger flake than you.

    In about a year, you will feel much better, and you will thank yourself.

  4. StrwberryQueen Avatar

    You already know the answer. you just want someone else to say it first. Trust’s gone, ur spiraling, and you’re clinging to who she was, not who she’s showing up as now imo

  5. Chicago-Cat Avatar

    Read the first few paragraphs. This sounds terrible, just let it end and try to reset and recenter yourself as a single person. 

  6. Queasy-Fish1775 Avatar

    Jesus that a lot.

    Most people don’t catch feelings for someone just hanging out with them when they are in a committed relationship.

    Take control – let her go. Be prepared for her to come back. Then you have a decision to make.

  7. Inevitable-Sale-8341 Avatar

    You gotta trust your inner instincts. My mom once told me when I was younger, no matter how much love you give, or energy you give, or time you make for a relationship to work if it’s destined to end in flames it will end in flames. If a person is destined to cheat on you and deceive you, they just will. There’s nothing you can do besides pick yourself up and move on with your life. The way I see this, your relationship with this woman is pretty much all done. She’s proven to you her secrecy as well as admitting her crush on this guy multiple times. No matter if you move past this whether it be 5 yrs from now or 20 she’ll eventually look at you, then think about what could have been with him.

    OP ask your self if you really wanna be with a woman you can’t trust and waste years upon years of your life being with a liar? Why would you want to be stressed out for eternity checking messages and living in paranoia for whether or not theres a new dude in question after this guy leaves?? How will life be If kids enter the picture?

  8. 1chiben Avatar

    Bro you know it’s over when you start writing 5000 word essays about it online to random strangers. Pack it up and move on with your life.

  9. Tricky-Bit1994 Avatar

    I’m a girl but emotional cheating is still cheating :/ and also I feel like maybe she is deleting the more sensitive messages to make it seem like it’s normal convo. You’re not crazy but I think this situation is making you feel crazy – trust your gut. You deserve someone who loves you for you and I’m sure you’re an amazing person!

  10. Adventurous-Peach203 Avatar

    I can’t even read the whole thing, you’re both with delayed emotional maturity. You need therapy and serious support to fully function as a healthy individual with emotional intelligence. And she isn’t gonna help you with that all. You can decide if you wanna suffer with her or if you want to progress in life without her and be happy.

  11. alexx_233 Avatar

    Honestly, I’ve been the other guy in a scenario similar to this, and you should probably leave. She genuinely seems like a great girlfriend, and she was honest with you about having feelings for him, which says a lot about her. Truth is, people can’t control their feelings and the fact you don’t trust her anymore is reason enough to walk away. Maybe after some time, you’ll both come to your senses and get back together. I know you said you wouldn’t get back together after a break, but life takes crazy turns.

  12. NoSpankingAllowed Avatar

    Its over, move on with your life and let her be the shitty person she is with someone else. Love isnt the only thing a relationship needs.

    Let her test drive the other dude, and when it works out do NOT let her come back into your life. She’ll see you as a weak door mat and never change who she is. She needs to feel the loss if her monkey branching pulls an epic fail.

  13. Delicious_Aside_9310 Avatar

    Maybe she finally realised she didn’t want to be with the kind of dude who goes trawling for teenagers when he’s in his mid twenties

  14. wishingforarainyday Avatar

    Come on. She’s been having an emotional affair at minimum. Getting you like a placeholder until she’s beavers enough to go for the coworker. She has showed you that she doesn’t respect you. Believe her. Make your exit plan. Your future self will be grateful.

  15. MiserableSandwich581 Avatar

    There is no scenario where this ends well and she already has one foot out the door. If this coworker made a move on her (if he hasn’t already) she wouldn’t say no. Deep down you know what to do but you’re not thinking straight.

  16. Background_Bit_4748 Avatar

    The kiss of death for me is the text about inviting the other guy to the event to flirt outside of work. She was dishonest with you about that. She still has feelings for the other guy because she’s enjoying the excitement. It’s a high. She’s telling you just enough to keep you while she plays around. Cohabitation is an issue, but if you can just leave, I suggest you do it. Then get some therapy for yourself before you enter another relationship.

  17. Due-Contact-366 Avatar

    Dude. She has been and continues to be dishonest with you. She knows you’ve checked her phone so you’ll never find anything there. Her suggestion of a break was in fact an attempt to legitimate her cheating with this guy. Not even a question.

    The chronic deletion of texts and the seeming nonsensical reasoning behind the texts you see, may be the result of her seeking to place stuff in her deleted folder so that the number of deleted texts there seems reasonable or consistent. Meanwhile she is going in and permanently deleting the texts you are looking for out of the deleted items folder, the incriminating texts. It’s smoke and mirrors.

    So, why aren’t you invited to these events or hangouts with her co workers? What’s that about?

    This woman is lying to your face. She is gaslighting you. You need to get out. You can’t linger. Your situation is far more critical than you realize. This is about your mental health. You need to reach out to family and friends and make a move now. Stewing in this is toxic and will only make your path to health and happiness after getting out of this mess, that much more arduous.

  18. FashionableBookworm Avatar

    She works with this guy so it’s no llike she can stop seeing him. If she has feelings for him that she is trying to suppress the fact that she has to see him everyday is going to make it much harder. She has been straightforward with you about her feelings and I suspect that your reaction is not helping because now she is afraid to share things with you . Obviously she shouldn’t be cheating on you but she doesn’t strike me from the way you describe her as someone who would carry on an affair. Just stop reading her texts (big red flag for a bf if you ask me, as in: run away) and cut her some slack. If she has fallen out of love she has fallen out of love and there is nothing you can do about it, maybe this is the conversation you should have with her instead of obsessing about her every move with her coworker. I understand she was very young when you two got together and maybe she is just realizing that this relationship doesn’t work anymore but she doesn’t know how to say it or even acknowledge it with herself. Good luck (but seriously stop reading her phone messages)

  19. scapeity Avatar

    Once you lose trust, it’s over. Imagine living the rest of your life like this. Move on.

  20. worthy_usable Avatar

    Friend, you are overthinking it a bit.

    You are trying to convince yourself that she is not, at a minimum, having an emotional affair with this guy. You’re gonna drive yourself nuts thinking that it any way other than that. Hell, she may not even realize that this is what it is, but that doesn’t excuse it.

    From a guy standpoint, this dude is just waiting in the wings for her to be more available than she already is. If I were you, I would set my boundaries, stick to them, and hope that you two can rationally talk about how you are going to go your separate ways. If you let your emotions get in the way of that discussion, she’ll just find away to use that against you and continue to do what she is doing.

  21. Fuzzy-Skin-9031 Avatar

    Who has time to read this shit… I will need to start using co-pilot to summarize everything in few sentences 😀

  22. ckh12120 Avatar

    This was a tough read. I’m sorry buddy. I understand your ‘everything was perfect, am I really thowing away everything for what might be a minor speed bump’ type mindset but I think this relationship is over. You deserve to be with someone who is as into you as you are into them, someone you don’t have to constantly worry over. Trying to make this work is setting yourself up for a lifetime of insecurity, jealousy and anxiety. You already know point blank that she has fallen for someone else and has been putting herself in positions to passively pursue him. The ‘flirt outside of work’ text is pretty damning.

    One other piece of advice since you are clearly obsessing over her texts/evidence/etc. to the point where its probably all you think about all day – just ask her. Given she came to you out of the blue and admitted to having feelings and feeling guilty about it, I think she’d probably breakdown and admit to anything that happened. But based on what you’ve shared I honestly doubt anything has happened beyond what you already now.

    I’d leave while you still can with some dignity. If you really think she’s the girl of your dreams and the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life bring it softly and see how badly she fights to keep you.

  23. Potential-Judgment-9 Avatar

    I ain’t reading all that … but if you wrote all that then yeah bro probably

  24. Good_Narwhal_420 Avatar

    your relationship is over. stop dragging it out.

  25. _magiano Avatar

    whether or not she’s being genuine is irrelevant at this point. you will never see her or feel about this relationship the same way again. you will be anxious and worrying forever if you stay with her. you know she is capable now of even having a crush on someone else to the point that she wants to “flirt outside work”.

    you’re not throwing away a “literally perfect girl”, you’re throwing away someone who is willing and able to step outside of your relationship if she thinks you won’t find out. and if you stay, you’ll live knowing that forever.

    i married a man that cheated on me while we were engaged bc i thought he was remorseful and understood what he did. we divorced last year because he cheated again. i wasted 9 years instead of 4 and the last 5 of them were an anxiety induced emotional nightmare for me that permanently changed me as person.

  26. Nervous_Bad_7455 Avatar

    You think it’s going to get better? This is just the beginning, wait till she grows a bit older. She is just figuring herself out. You may not be her ideal partner. She may like different kind of guys.

  27. miss_gradenko Avatar

    You’re overthinking AND she’s cheating. Or cheated. Or is about to. Regardless, you gotta go. Don’t ignore your instincts.

    I just left a 9 year relationship over this. I saw a text that didn’t sit right in JANUARY and let that shit marinate until May when he finally just decided to stop hiding it and do something so blatant I couldn’t ignore it.

    I spent those months in the same quandry but as others have said, once the trust is gone it is GONE. Take your time. Get your affairs in order. Then get out. GEtting out is the most important thing for you and your sanity right now.