Just to preface, this is kind of a throwaway for everything I don’t want people in my real life to know. I’ll also be changing the names of everyone since everyone I’m close with knows I’m a huge fan of the show.
Anyways, into the backstory before the juicy deets. My partner and I (23) have been together for over 4 years. We met almost instantly in college and the rest is history. My past relationship history isn’t great (could be it’s own post easily), but I have been in 3 total long term relationships which have ended in them cheating on me or abusing me in some manner. This has caused some trust issues and at the time we got together, I had some serious issues with being alone.
Our relationship has been mostly great, but I’ve been having some doubts lately. My partner and I have had increasingly more issues in the past year or so, and it has me wondering if this relationship is right for me. I am pretty much the sole money maker, housekeeper, planner, etc. of our house. When I say I do everything, I mean it’s like pulling teeth to get my partner to do anything except play video games. They spent over a month where we didn’t even go to bed with one another because they were so entranced. We’ve had multiple discussions about the matter, but nothing ever seems to change with them. Last time we had a big argument, they told me if it was a dealbreaker for me, we should break up since they’ve “always been like this”. I told them I had been disconnecting from the relationship because I felt it going downhill, and offered some solutions that never came to fruition, such as weekly check-ins, intimacy at least 1x a week, date nights, always going to bed together, etc. but they just seem completely disinterested.
I’ll admit, I was kinda dating them for their potential. I knew they weren’t the best about taking care of themselves or the house, but considering we got together at 19, I expected them to change as they became an adult. I know at this point I cannot expect them to change, and if I’m being honest, my attraction for them has changed. I still think they are beautiful and my best friend in the whole world, but I have been having a hard time picturing myself spending the rest of my life with them. Their apathy about it just kills me. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to fix the traits about me that bothered them, but I can’t get the same treatment. I worked on my codependency, neediness, intimacy issues, lack of accountability, and so many more things for them.
Here’s my real issue though: We have a close friend who has been spending more time at our house, and they’re a very naturally flirty person. I have found myself really loving the attention they give me and I’ve realized I am attracted to them. Not just their looks, but their gentleness and eye contact and understanding. It’s made me reflect a lot on how little attention I’ve been receiving from my partner, and honestly I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s made me confront a lot of feelings I’ve realized I’ve had for more than half of our relationship. I feel so guilty because I feel like I’ve just been lying to my partner for so long about how I really feel, despite our communication. I feel like I would be betraying them so much, but I also don’t want to betray myself.
I am in individual therapy, but they are not. Do you think couples therapy would be worth it? Do I cut my losses? Do I communicate with my friend (in a respectful way) about this? I just feel so lost, this person has been there my entire adult life so it feels like losing them would be earth shattering, but I also feel like I’ve already lost them in a way.
I may delete this, but thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day!!
TLDR; I am losing feelings for my partner of 4 years due to feeling alone, and these feelings were brought out by a mutual friend giving me a sliver of attention.
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Backup of the post’s body: Just to preface, this is kind of a throwaway for everything I don’t want people in my real life to know. I’ll also be changing the names of everyone since everyone I’m close with knows I’m a huge fan of the show.
Anyways, into the backstory before the juicy deets. My partner and I (23) have been together for over 4 years. We met almost instantly in college and the rest is history. My past relationship history isn’t great (could be it’s own post easily), but I have been in 3 total long term relationships which have ended in them cheating on me or abusing me in some manner. This has caused some trust issues and at the time we got together, I had some serious issues with being alone.
Our relationship has been mostly great, but I’ve been having some doubts lately. My partner and I have had increasingly more issues in the past year or so, and it has me wondering if this relationship is right for me. I am pretty much the sole money maker, housekeeper, planner, etc. of our house. When I say I do everything, I mean it’s like pulling teeth to get my partner to do anything except play video games. They spent over a month where we didn’t even go to bed with one another because they were so entranced. We’ve had multiple discussions about the matter, but nothing ever seems to change with them. Last time we had a big argument, they told me if it was a dealbreaker for me, we should break up since they’ve “always been like this”. I told them I had been disconnecting from the relationship because I felt it going downhill, and offered some solutions that never came to fruition, such as weekly check-ins, intimacy at least 1x a week, date nights, always going to bed together, etc. but they just seem completely disinterested.
I’ll admit, I was kinda dating them for their potential. I knew they weren’t the best about taking care of themselves or the house, but considering we got together at 19, I expected them to change as they became an adult. I know at this point I cannot expect them to change, and if I’m being honest, my attraction for them has changed. I still think they are beautiful and my best friend in the whole world, but I have been having a hard time picturing myself spending the rest of my life with them. Their apathy about it just kills me. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to fix the traits about me that bothered them, but I can’t get the same treatment. I worked on my codependency, neediness, intimacy issues, lack of accountability, and so many more things for them.
Here’s my real issue though: We have a close friend who has been spending more time at our house, and they’re a very naturally flirty person. I have found myself really loving the attention they give me and I’ve realized I am attracted to them. Not just their looks, but their gentleness and eye contact and understanding. It’s made me reflect a lot on how little attention I’ve been receiving from my partner, and honestly I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s made me confront a lot of feelings I’ve realized I’ve had for more than half of our relationship. I feel so guilty because I feel like I’ve just been lying to my partner for so long about how I really feel, despite our communication. I feel like I would be betraying them so much, but I also don’t want to betray myself.
I am in individual therapy, but they are not. Do you think couples therapy would be worth it? Do I cut my losses? Do I communicate with my friend (in a respectful way) about this? I just feel so lost, this person has been there my entire adult life so it feels like losing them would be earth shattering, but I also feel like I’ve already lost them in a way.
I may delete this, but thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day!!
TLDR; I am losing feelings for my partner of 4 years due to feeling alone, and these feelings were brought out by a mutual friend giving me a sliver of attention.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You don’t have a partner. You have a roommate with benefits.
Break up with your partner. You’ve grown and he hasn’t. You can’t put your life on hold based on a hope that he’ll wake up some day and become someone committed to building a lasting relationship.