My Fiance (32f) and I (34m) just got into a huge fight.
She said she ordered a book, and I saw it on the counter when I walked by and it was called “not in love” and it’s about a woman who cheats on her man.
Yes, it’s just a book, I told myself I should be upset or mention anything, but my radar did go off a little and I asked what it was about.
She claims I was accusing her and yelling, I took a minute before I said anything to make sure I wasn’t yelling.
She BLEW UP and told me she can’t do this for the rest of her life, told me I’m too insecure, and gaslit me ( I hate that term) about the entire thing.
Yes, it’s just a book, but we’ve been in a rough patch lately. Stress of wedding coming up, financial situation from paying for it, recent move, and just getting married in and of itself. intimacy has slowed down to 1-2x/month and we find ourselves getting into heated arguments over what should be nothing.
She tends to have huge outbursts of anger, over small things.. which I’ve had to set boundaries around like- not slamming breakable stuff, not calling me names and cussing at me, etc..
I’m no saint, I know that much, but my thing is she explodes.
My question is- am I overreacting about being upset about the book?
Or is it ok to be a little concerned?
*TL;DR-
Fiance blew up at me for being upset over a book she ordered. I was upset over the subject and title because it’s about cheating.
Comments
Does she explode as a way to win or change the topic?
Topic of the book aside, it’s the stress.
You need to figure out a way to reset with her. I know money is an issue but maybe treat her to a spa day…make it a couples massage? Or keep it simple with dinner at a favorite restaurant. Don’t be afraid to position it as a way to get back to center, see through the stress and remember why you’re getting married.
Is it a self help book or a novel? Or true crime? If it’s self help, then you need to have a discussion. Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry about it.
“Not in love” does not involve cheating, it’s more of a Romeo and Juliet starcrossed lovers situation. The “forbidden affair” refers to the protags working at rival companies. Anyway.
Yes, you overreacted to the book. Even if it had been about cheating, the book isn’t the problem here. Same with all the small things that keep turning into fights– it’s really just a reaction to all the bigger issues. So forget about the small symptom; have a serious conversation about the underlying problems.
It sounds like you have been chronically underreacting to her outbursts, which are unacceptable… you’ve set boundaries but it sounds like the fundamental issue is still there. You’ve also been fighting a lot, and it sounds like you are ready to believe she would cheat on you. So… you aren’t ready to be married, at least if you want a happy marriage.
What are you going to do about that? You’re asking about overreacting but the better question is how are you reacting (to the other stuff)?