My husband (23M) and I (21F) got married almost a month ago. I really thought the day was nearly perfect but my husband’s mom and dad left early and we both could tell they were upset.
They didn’t really communicate with us right after the wedding or during our honeymoon. I could tell this was very upsetting for my husband. He is an only child and feels at times he is the only “source of joy” for his father.
After the honeymoon my husband tried to call his dad a few times and was still somewhat talking to his mom. We called more of his family to make sure they had a good time and were doing well. Everyone said they had a great time and that it was a beautiful wedding. His aunt hinted that at the hotel after the wedding that FIL had a blow up.
Finally my husband talked to MIL. She said that I made no effort to see his family, that I spent the whole time with my family, I was “unwelcoming” to his aunt, etc. They also implied that I wear the pants and that my husband spent the night following me like a puppy. She did apologize when my husband expressed how their reactions impacted his enjoyment of the night and our honeymoon. But still nothing from FIL.
We spent most of the night after first dances cake cutting, and speeches out on the dance floor with the crowd. I didn’t only spend time with my family. I spent my time dancing with everyone who participated. MIL and FIL barely left their chairs. We sat down at a table with them for like a minute but I got up to go dance when a song I liked came on. I admit that was probably rude of me to do.
Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed with a relationship with MIL and FIL. To me, I feel that they are being incredibly selfish and making our day about them. They complain about the time we didn’t spend with them but they arrived to town the day before the wedding and left early in the AM the day after the wedding which gave us almost no opportunity to see them. I don’t know what they expected us to do. I haven’t been to many weddings but I feel like the bride and groom are mostly participating in the party.
My husband has not been able to talk to his Dad. He has had very dry conversations with MIL after the confrontation phone call.
She really isn’t the problem, it is mostly FIL. He is mentally ill and very emotionally unstable. In the past he has really struggled with big life events that involve my husband and I. There was another blowup when we bought our house. My husband believes that he just can’t accept that he is a grown man and can live his own life 5hrs away from MIL and FIL. I believe that they will never really accept me and will blame me for him not moving back home. That no matter what I will always be the problem.
I feel like we should proceed with no contact until we receive sincere apologies. To me, his parents are turning our big day to be about them, they are being extremely selfish, and his father is being very childish. I believe that the day is about us and as long as we enjoyed the wedding that is most important and his parents should be happy. My husband believes that FIL will never apologize as he will never think he did anything wrong. My husband is a great son and I know he can move on from this without ever getting an apology but I don’t think I can. I will never be able to act like this is fine to me but am I overreacting? Any advice on how to proceed is welcome. Thank you for reading my long post.
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Backup of the post’s body:
My husband (23M) and I (21F) got married almost a month ago. I really thought the day was nearly perfect but my husband’s mom and dad left early and we both could tell they were upset.
They didn’t really communicate with us right after the wedding or during our honeymoon. I could tell this was very upsetting for my husband. He is an only child and feels at times he is the only “source of joy” for his father.
After the honeymoon my husband tried to call his dad a few times and was still somewhat talking to his mom. We called more of his family to make sure they had a good time and were doing well. Everyone said they had a great time and that it was a beautiful wedding. His aunt hinted that at the hotel after the wedding that FIL had a blow up.
Finally my husband talked to MIL. She said that I made no effort to see his family, that I spent the whole time with my family, I was “unwelcoming” to his aunt, etc. They also implied that I wear the pants and that my husband spent the night following me like a puppy. She did apologize when my husband expressed how their reactions impacted his enjoyment of the night and our honeymoon. But still nothing from FIL.
We spent most of the night after first dances cake cutting, and speeches out on the dance floor with the crowd. I didn’t only spend time with my family. I spent my time dancing with everyone who participated. MIL and FIL barely left their chairs. We sat down at a table with them for like a minute but I got up to go dance when a song I liked came on. I admit that was probably rude of me to do.
Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed with a relationship with MIL and FIL. To me, I feel that they are being incredibly selfish and making our day about them. They complain about the time we didn’t spend with them but they arrived to town the day before the wedding and left early in the AM the day after the wedding which gave us almost no opportunity to see them. I don’t know what they expected us to do. I haven’t been to many weddings but I feel like the bride and groom are mostly participating in the party.
My husband has not been able to talk to his Dad. He has had very dry conversations with MIL after the confrontation phone call.
She really isn’t the problem, it is mostly FIL. He is mentally ill and very emotionally unstable. In the past he has really struggled with big life events that involve my husband and I. There was another blowup when we bought our house. My husband believes that he just can’t accept that he is a grown man and can live his own life 5hrs away from MIL and FIL. I believe that they will never really accept me and will blame me for him not moving back home. That no matter what I will always be the problem.
I feel like we should proceed with no contact until we receive sincere apologies. To me, his parents are turning our big day to be about them, they are being extremely selfish, and his father is being very childish. I believe that the day is about us and as long as we enjoyed the wedding that is most important and his parents should be happy. My husband believes that FIL will never apologize as he will never think he did anything wrong. My husband is a great son and I know he can move on from this without ever getting an apology but I don’t think I can. I will never be able to act like this is fine to me but am I overreacting? Any advice on how to proceed is welcome. Thank you for reading my long post.
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In-laws causing havoc.
Did they contribute anything to the cost of the wedding?
Kinda clear that FIL is having some mental health issues.
All you can do is deal with it with compassion. No need to force yourself or blame yourself for anything.
He probably needs to see doctor/therapist tbh.
My father is experiencing the same. We forced him to go doctors, he got some antidepressants and now he’s fine.
>he just can’t accept that he is a grown man and can live his own life 5hrs away from MIL and FIL.
The first thing I thought when I read this is that you’re not far enough away from them.
Mental illness does not give a person a license to be a jerk. He’s throwing a tantrum that your wedding day was not all about accommodating him. But it sounds like no amount of coddling would have been enough for him. He was going to throw a fit and try to ruin your day out of jealousy, malice, resentment – feelings that he won’t deal with through therapy like a responsible adult would.
Ignore his tantrums and tell him if he can’t behave decently, you won’t bother visiting.
You’re overreacting. And you should quit thinking about the “no contact” plan. I keep seeing this on this sub and it’s extremely childish. At least you didn’t accuse them of “Gaslighting.” Your in-laws can be a big help to you in the future obviously. I’m sure they have some assets and finances. And you two are 21 and 23 years old. You probably have next to nothing. You need to not worry about whether they ruined your big day and patch things up with them. Once you pull this “no contact” BS with them, it’s gonna be extremely hard to undo. If you were older and financially secure, I’d say maybe go for it. But to burn bridges like that where you’re barely out of your teen years?
Its time to pull away. Your FIL has issues that you cannot fix and it is not your job to fix. Your could do everything correctly and your FIL will still find something to be upset about because he wants the drama, that is all.
Don’t get pulled into the drama.
It’s incredible that your husband feels responsible for his father’s existence. Trust and believe that nothing short of him living at home and never dating is what he wants. Follow your husband’s lead in this since he’s not bothered, don’t carry it so heavily on your heart. There’s mental illness and enmeshment here. Familiarize yourself with these things.
This is where gentle parenting shines.
From hubby
“Mom and Dad, I can tell you both have some big feelings around my wedding. OP and I enjoyed OUR WEDDING, we did not ignore you or treat you badly.
I hate that you feel that ignoring us is appropriate. Until you are ready to apologize and move forward with a relationship I will not be reaching out.
We will be happy to accept your apology and rebuild a relationship when you are ready. “
Then drop the fucking rope. They are throwing a tanty and he’s chasing them. That’s absolute fuckery.
I’m more concerned that his parents reaction bothered your husband so much, than how they reacted.
He needs to be able to separate more and not let their emotions dictate his peace and happiness.
You are both dealing with someone with a mental illness and their caretaker who seems to have given up trying to help them and has learned to ride out their breakdowns or actively participating in their issues. I am afraid there isn’t much either of you can do if your FIL isn’t receiving help from professionals.
All you can do is be there for your husband and support him while he rides the storm of his father’s mental decline. I wish you luck.
And congratulations on your wedding!
One thing I would do – Your husband should be the one managing this with his parents. For you, I don’t think it’s likely they will ever change so step back emotionally from them. And if your husband feels like he needs to have a relationship with them, he can go visit alone. Or you can go with and just grey rock them.
Updateme!
It sounds like you forgot you were hosting the party.
At the weddings I’ve been to, the bride and groom circulate around the reception, stopping at each table, greeting each guest personally.
At traditional weddings, there is a receiving line where each guest greets everyone in the entire bridal party, including parents of the bride and groom. I’m kinda glad that tradition has fallen away – it was exhausting for the bridal party.
Apologize to your MIL and let her know that you didn’t intentionally skip spending time with your husband’s family. Offer any help you can to assist FIL to getting back to normal. Then, when you’ve done your best, let it go.
I really can’t imagine that cutting them off while you wait for an apology because you forgot to greet your guests is going to help anything.
No matter what, I would suggest you encourage your husband to speak with a therapist. If he doesn’t find healthy ways to channel this, it may fester into resentment of you instead of them. So play some offence to that doesn’t happen.
My parents were like this. Anything happy of mind that didn’t revolve on them made them feel like they were being left behind. I wish I could say there was a happy ending. I eventually had to distance myself from them. I would just recommend giving your husband compassion, but recognizing that their behavior wasn’t OK and you’re allowed to have Feelings about that. When you’re around people who take up so much emotional oxygen, it’s hard to prioritize yourself, but you really need to.
The bride and groom used to make the rounds and visit every table thanking them for joining their day.
Your in-laws are taking it to heart, but, I think, you are right that there is more to it. Going no contact is not the answer. What will that achieve? It seems they are already doing that to you. You can wait them out, which is much different from going no contact.
I’d have hubby invite them to your place for a visit and say that you’re really looking forward to spending some quality time with them. Going NC is only going to drive the wedge in further.
Your wedding day is about you, but you don’t seem to have made a place in it for them. A marriage is a union of two families which sometimes requires attention.
This is their bid to take and keep your husband’s attention on them first and foremost and you second place.
How your husband handles this will tell you all you need to know about your future with him/them.
My wedding? I don’t remember talking to anyone! I have picture evidence that I did, I also have my own general social anxiety to deal with AND on top of that my husbands family friend decided to be racist to a little kid who happened to be black and I had to kick him out. Between all that I’m sure I missed “thank you’s” and other appropriate salutations.
It was my wedding day, I can do what I want.
NTA OR NOR or whatever… going no contact may be a bit extreme, but it’s husbands job to unequivocally set the record straight with his parents. THIS IS NOT A ✨YOU✨PROBLEM!
NOR. Neither of you have done anything wrong! It’s a wedding, you won’t spend much time with my single person, except your spouse. I strongly recommend therapy for your husband. It will help him understand how incredibly not OK all this is.
Good luck dear, you’re gonna need it.
Sounds like they wanted you to ignore your other guests and follow them around like a puppy at your wedding. You did not make them feel like the most important people there. That’s just my opinion
I would love for you and your husband to both understand something very important
You are not responsible for other people’s emotions.
You are only responsible for your own actions and your own emotions. Your actions were fine.
If, for some reason, MIL or FIL got their feelings hurt, they can use their words like big girls and boys. Then you can assess your own action and make amends if necessary.
FIL ruined your honeymoon and he wasn’t even there. Your husband needs to learn not to give in to emotional blackmail.
He’s not responsible for his parents’ emotional well being.
It is your day, but it’s also a day to celebrate the coming together of your families and spend time with guests who have taken time and money to celebrate you. If you spent most of the night on the dance floor and didn’t take time to walk around and mingle with your guests, that was a misstep. Should they have pouted like 2 year olds over it? No. But they’re not wrong that there should have been socializing.
Your husband’s purpose is not to be a “source of joy” for his father. It’s to be a wholly realized individual and a fulfilled person on his own merits. To put it bluntly, he is not an emotional support animal, for anyone. His parents’ feelings are not his responsibility to manage, and they are adults. He should feel free to go out and live his own life without worrying about what will make them happy, unhappy, sad, mad, or anything else.
Why do you think you were rude to dance at your own wedding reception instead of parking yourself at a table with your mil and fil who wanted to sit and pout and not enjoy the party? That’s unreasonable. They’re ridiculous. They wanted their son to be in mourning at the idea 0f breaking away from them, and they’re pissy that he wasn’t. They wanted him to pay more attention to them at his wedding than to his new wife, and they’re mad that he didn’t. That’s weird and enmeshed and wacko and entitled. Get ready for the crazy to be strong with these people, and start marriage counseling now. You guys are gonna need it.
Oh dear…. You will always be the 3rd wheel with the in-laws and your hubs. They finally realized that they “lost” their son to you and they will always hold it against you. My husband also said he thought he was his parents only joy as he is an only child too. I have always been odd man out. His parents and I made it so stressful on my poor husband with the tug of war.
Mil and fil hated me they hate our children hate that their son has hobbies. Seriously…. I have gone totally NC with them. They will never change and it is easier on my husband that I have nothing to do with them. He is Low contact with them these days.
I suggest a sit down and hash it out. They need to realize the sun doesn’t rise and set on their ass. They need to know that they did not lose their son but gained a daughter. It may work it may make it worse.
I have lived this situation since 1991. We dated for 6 years and have been married since 1997. We raised 2 daughters and have been empty nesters since we were in our early 40’s. Our children now are a dachshund and a toy poodle.
What a couple of babies
Your husband loves them and cares by about them. That’s a good thing. But over the years it seems like he feels responsible for them as well. I’m an only child too, and I get that. But he has to find a way to love and care with boundaries. He is not responsible for their happiness. He cannot manipulate the world to suit them and their occasionally irrational emotional needs.
Support him as he attempts to do this. It will feel cold to him at first, but it’s best for everyone. Firm but kind.
If FIL has mental health issues, I can sort of understand why your husband wants to treat this gently.
That being considered, he does need to address it head on with both FIL & MIL. Make it clear that it is not you.
And from here on, if I were you I would make one comment to them when you see them next regarding the wedding then move on. ‘Sorry we didn’t get to see you more at the wedding – it was such a busy day for Joe and I. Shame you couldn’t have stayed longer after the wedding so we could have spent some time before we left for our honeymoon though.’ Then done, no more chat about it. You are just polite and respectful and see them when you have to and that’s it.
His dad is likely a narcissist and nothing you did would be right.
I recommend your husband get therapy to deal with how to feel secure and happy setting boundaries with his parents.
Congratulations on your wedding.