Hi THT gals and guys! My sister Hannah (29F) and I (27F) Jennifer are constantly having HUGE arguments over our current situation. My ex (Nathan 28M) and I were together for 7 years and were engaged during the last two. ALOT happened within the relationship that I look back on now and realize was not necessarily healthy. We spent most of our relationship surrounded by friends and rarely with just each other, and if it was with just us it was always revolved around drinking. We did not spend much quality time together even though we did live together, he did not have much respect for me towards the end, and there was a lot of mistreatment, For me I neglected my mental health and became depressed and gained 20 pounds from anti-depressants, and I did not nurture the relationship but the big difference is he was verbally abusive which no one knew. I never spoke ill about him or confided in family or friends about the mistreatment & aggressive vulgarity, name calling, condescending comments, scolding. For example he would call me autistic, ret**ded, the b word.(especially when drunk), He constantly shamed me about the food I ate, and called me lazy because I like to take a 1/2 hour nap during my day (napping is the only relief I have due to extreme health anxiety and OCD). He ended up changing his mind about kids, about travelling and about wedding dates & eventually just broke up with me. There was just so much that went on that I wish i could write about but it would turn into a novel. Either way I came to the conclusion I’m pretty sure he was borderline narcissist after plenty of time to reflect since the break up.
Now here is where the situation gets extra sticky.. Hannah’s husband Joey is best friends with Nathan, and Hannah and Joey have very close knit group of friends ( I used to be apart of) which means Nathan is now apart of my new baby nephews life, their future wedding, my nephews birthday parties and most of any other events. I now have a new boyfriend named Alex. I am very much in love and happy. It is a completely different relationship with no alcohol, so much compassion, love, affection and gentleness. Something I have never experienced before. Obviously the close relationship between my long term ex and sister + sisters husband makes Alex uncomfortable, it also makes me uncomfortable as he is apart of what I feel like is MY life / families life. I asked them to stop filling me in on Nathans life and giving me updates about him as it can feel insulting to Alex. Things like : Nathan looked really handsome last time he was here, Nathan bought a motorcycle and a new truck, Nathan is coming to see the baby. I’m not sure why they feel the need to update me about his personal life now that we are no longer together.
I tried opening up to them and telling them about the mistreatment I felt I received by him and that I had not yet forgiven him yet for that as it still effects my self confidence to this day. I tried telling them I felt like he was a bully and to this day I feel really anxious and panicky when I hear about him. They immediately called me a victim and that i need to just forget it and let it go. I tried to set the boundary that if and when Nathan attends a gathering I will not be comfortable nor my partner attending alongside him. They said I was a baby and making it a way bigger deal then it was. They would not be not inviting him and if I don’t want to show up that’s my own fault. I essentially wish they could just chose sides because at the end of the day Its my blood relative, its my older sister. The sister who I shared a room with for 10 years and a bed, my sister I look up to and love so much. We shared some nasty texts back and forth and there is no resolution. I know this is such a complicated situation, and I could just forget about and ignore it but its extremely hard, I feel like its so unfair what’s happening. Please be brutally honest, Am I overreacting?
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi THT gals and guys! My sister Hannah (29F) and I (27F) Jennifer are constantly having HUGE arguments over our current situation. My ex (Nathan 28M) and I were together for 7 years and were engaged during the last two. ALOT happened within the relationship that I look back on now and realize was not necessarily healthy. We spent most of our relationship surrounded by friends and rarely with just each other, and if it was with just us it was always revolved around drinking. We did not spend much quality time together even though we did live together, he did not have much respect for me towards the end, and there was a lot of mistreatment, For me I neglected my mental health and became depressed and gained 20 pounds from anti-depressants, and I did not nurture the relationship but the big difference is he was verbally abusive which no one knew. I never spoke ill about him or confided in family or friends about the mistreatment & aggressive vulgarity, name calling, condescending comments, scolding. For example he would call me autistic, ret**ded, the b word.(especially when drunk), He constantly shamed me about the food I ate, and called me lazy because I like to take a 1/2 hour nap during my day (napping is the only relief I have due to extreme health anxiety and OCD). He ended up changing his mind about kids, about travelling and about wedding dates & eventually just broke up with me. There was just so much that went on that I wish i could write about but it would turn into a novel. Either way I came to the conclusion I’m pretty sure he was borderline narcissist after plenty of time to reflect since the break up.
Now here is where the situation gets extra sticky.. Hannah’s husband Joey is best friends with Nathan, and Hannah and Joey have very close knit group of friends ( I used to be apart of) which means Nathan is now apart of my new baby nephews life, their future wedding, my nephews birthday parties and most of any other events. I now have a new boyfriend named Alex. I am very much in love and happy. It is a completely different relationship with no alcohol, so much compassion, love, affection and gentleness. Something I have never experienced before. Obviously the close relationship between my long term ex and sister + sisters husband makes Alex uncomfortable, it also makes me uncomfortable as he is apart of what I feel like is MY life / families life. I asked them to stop filling me in on Nathans life and giving me updates about him as it can feel insulting to Alex. Things like : Nathan looked really handsome last time he was here, Nathan bought a motorcycle and a new truck, Nathan is coming to see the baby. I’m not sure why they feel the need to update me about his personal life now that we are no longer together.
I tried opening up to them and telling them about the mistreatment I felt I received by him and that I had not yet forgiven him yet for that as it still effects my self confidence to this day. I tried telling them I felt like he was a bully and to this day I feel really anxious and panicky when I hear about him. They immediately called me a victim and that i need to just forget it and let it go. I tried to set the boundary that if and when Nathan attends a gathering I will not be comfortable nor my partner attending alongside him. They said I was a baby and making it a way bigger deal then it was. They would not be not inviting him and if I don’t want to show up that’s my own fault. I essentially wish they could just chose sides because at the end of the day Its my blood relative, its my older sister. The sister who I shared a room with for 10 years and a bed, my sister I look up to and love so much. We shared some nasty texts back and forth and there is no resolution. I know this is such a complicated situation, and I could just forget about and ignore it but its extremely hard, I feel like its so unfair what’s happening. Please be brutally honest, Am I overreacting?
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NOR at all. They’re belittling your feelings by calling you a baby, but your relationship with Nathan wasn’t healthy. Hearing about him makes you anxious and that doesn’t bother them?? You stood up for yourself and your partner, good on you!! If it were me, I’d go low contact for a while.
Your family sucks. They are bullies, no different from your ex and have absolutely no loyalty.
They have clearly chosen Nathan over you and now all you have to do is keep your distance.
Go and make a life with your new boyfriend.
You don’t have to subject yourself to be around your abuser and your abusive family who call you a baby for trying to set boundaries.
Lol, this isn’t complicated your sister is either a piece of shit or her husband does the same your ex did to you. “They said I was a baby and making it a way bigger deal then it was.” This is the wake up moment you needed. Stop going to shit. If you want to look like your making an effort give a gift before or after but don’t show up. Why is your presences needed anyway they don’t like you.
No you’re not overreacting. Your ex was shitty to you and now your sister and BiL are too.
Sorry you’re going through this. You would be completely justified in cutting them off, at least until they came to their senses.
Stop trying so hard to be involved with people who don’t value or respect you. And yes, that includes family. For your own mental health and for the sake of your new partner and relationship, you need to go NC.
Your sister and her husband treat you as bad as your ex. There’s a reason why they’re all still friends. Remove yourself from that toxic environment. Go heal and start living. Free of bad behavior and bad memories.
I would go low contact with your sister and her family. They have chosen.
Sorry you deserve better.
Sorry that your sister doesn’t have your back. You are not overreacting. It sounds like she will not protect you because it will interfere with the relationships she has with her partner and his friend group.
I would just tell her she’s a coward and you will not be present even though you love your nephew. I would also add you question the morals that they are going to instill in their baby given the company they keep, but I’m an a hole.
You were a victim and they should support you.
Instead she is mean to you and bullies you.
Just go no contact for a while. It seems like she doesn’t care about you and your feelings.
Blood doesn’t mean much. Actions do. And they’ve been clear that your happiness isn’t a priority. So concentrate on your boyfriend, develop a new friend circle. If you see your sister on the street, be polite and disinterested, and don’t answer any questions (gray rock). Dont attend her functions, just go very low contact. Protect your heart, no one else will.
Way for your sister to show she dont care about you
Not overreacting. You have given your family an ultimatum and they didn’t choose you. I’m so sorry. This is an unfortunately simple situation.
If you were serious about your boundary, it’s now time to make good on your threat. Live your best life separately from your sister and nephew. You can visit separately, but you won’t be attending any formal or social events that your ex is attending.
Focus on your healthy relationship and making new, healthy friends.
I’m sorry and know you are hurt but your family are awful. I bet if you pulled back from them would be sad but before prob feel better and realises they aren’t good people. Most families would not behave this way
Your sister and her husband are toxic people. You are giving ammo to this situation by bothering to go into detail about the negative effect that your ex still has on you. You’re placing greater value in your relationship with your sister and brother-in-law than they value their relationship with you. It’s time to get yourself busy with life and your new boyfriend and remove yourself from being the victim in this negative relationship dynamic. Your ex’s behavior towards you in your former relationship sounds appalling and they all sound like trash. You don’t need any of these people. Move on. Ghost them.
Next time you see him, ask him if he is abusing his new GF.
You need to grow a spine and treat Nathan like a ghost.
You and Alex can be there, just do not engage with Nathan.
When they bring up Nathan buying things, you respond with, and who really cares?
Nathan sees this as a way to still control you; you need to break from the mindset that Nathan matters. He doesn’t, he is just an ex you have moved on from.
Alex is uncomfortable, because you let it bother you.
girl no you are not overreacting. like, you tried to set a boundary and they straight up called you a baby? that’s not love or support, that’s them making your pain inconvenient for their vibe.
I hate to have to tell you this, but they did choose sides. And it was not yours.
NOR. I feel maybe your sister is acting this way because of her husband. It’s her husband’s best friend, if she starts problems with him, she’ll have problems with her husband & own marriage. Basically, you’ll have to accept seeing him at some functions or not go. It will forever be awkward. Just continue being confident, happy & secure in your current relationship, and then eventually, his presence will bother you less. I’m very sorry you’re in this situation ❤️🫂 Family matters are so frustrating sometimes. I just found out 2 days ago my sister still talks to my ex from 11 years ago. We were together for 9 years. He severely mentally abused me, repeatedly physically abused me, and SA’d me multiple times. She knows about all of this. She came over and bragged how he hasn’t had a drink in 3 years, is getting married & is very happy in life. Every time I think she’s changed or couldn’t stoop lower… 😒
Your sister is kinda of awful
Go low contact. They don’t seem to care that your exes presence triggers you. Turn down their invitations. When they bring up your exes name then you change the subject to your new boyfriend or leave the room. You probably should open up to your sister about things that went on in your relationship so that she can understand the situation better.
If people do not treat you well then you do not need them in your life, you deserve better. So do not go to events where they will be there, drop presents off for your nephew. Just distance yourself, you have moved on, if they want you to be part of their life they need to treat you with respect.
It’s time to go no contact. Don’t call them, don’t visit. They’ve made it pretty obvious that Nathan is above you in their priorities. Make them miss you by not being there and if your sister ends up bringing fine with that, then it’s time to knock her off the pedestal you’ve got her on.
You’re not overreacting, and honey, I’m so so sorry but your sister has chosen a side, and it’s not yours.
Please do what’s best for you and don’t let anybody tell you that any of it is your fault or that your feelings aren’t valid.
Here’s the part where you are a little bit YTA. You didn’t mention any of this until you got a new boyfriend who is uncomfortable with your ex being around and now suddenly you are asking your sister to choose between you and her husband’s best friend for the sake of your new man.
Fair enough you don’t want updates on his life and your sister shouldn’t be talking about him to you all the time, that’s fucked up. But you really should have said something before hand if it was that bad and not because your boyfriend is uncomfortable with your ex being close with your family.
Just ignore the guy and enjoy your current relationship. Tell ypur boyfriend to stop being insecure and that he doesnt have to be friends with the guy but he does have to accept he is friends with your brother inlaw.
The guy was a dick, he could be cruel and made you feel bad. He did you a favour by leaving and you are better off without him. Stop giving him power over your feelings and letting him interfere with your relationship with your own family and move on. Ignore him. Go to counselling. If you love your sister don’t make her choose just because you are a little uncomfortable. You would be putting pressure on her marriage for your own comfort.
I was with my ex for 5 years and he cheated on me with 2 different women. Although I did take some time out, we had the same friends and I wasn’t going to make them choose when our relationship had nothing to do with them and their friendships, so we still attended all the same social events, weddings, birthdays, dinners, party’s etc I just did my own thing and had a good time with my mates and didnt worry about what he was doing. Eventually, it wasn’t awkward and we actually get along fine, it just took time and for me to let go of my ego. It was pointless holding on to my hurt feelings as it did nothing but make me miserable and make life difficult. I deserved to be happy and live my life without drama. I wish him nothing but the best.
I understand your mental health is not the best so if you need to take time out, do it. Tell your sister you love her and love spending time with her family and your nephew but that it’s just too painful to be around him right now so can they please not be offended if you don’t attend social events? Visit her for coffee or go out for lunch instead, take your nephew to the park and talk shit about whatever. Draw your line in the sand. Don’t ask your sister to be the one to draw the line, and don’t even mention your boyfriend’s feelings because it’s not about him. I hope you guys can move forward from this and this man doesn’t ruin your relationship with your sister.
I sm sorry that you are dealing with this.What will hurt the most is knowing that most likely your idea of what family should be is being chipped away. No matter who you date, most likely they will never pass the family test. Do not even try to explain anything to your family, they are ignorant. This might pull you away, heal your heart.
Your ex should not have that power over either of you. Seek counseling, authentic healing and you will see that even if he is in an event with his future whatever, it won’t matter to you.
Reclaim your mind, move in silence, and call back your power.
Stop going to family things. Make new friends and hang out with them. You don’t have to subject yourself to being around unsupportive people even if they are relatives.
There is a reason Hannah and Joey are still friends with Nathan. They are terrible people just like him. They may not know the extent of how bad the former relationship was, but they know it’s long over, you don’t want to be around him or hear about him and they continue to make you endure both. They either enjoy perpetuating drama or enjoy the reactions from you and your new guy. If that was me I’d just quit going to things that they were at. Even if that means being low contact with other family for a while until they respect you not wanting to see or be around Nathan and respect your wishes and your new relationship.
Your sister already picked a side, keep them and your ex at a distance and only interact with them in spurts. Focus on your new relationship.
Distance yourself and withdraw if your ex is going to be present. You can arrange to see the nephew on your own.
Plan your own events and invite who you want. And exclude the ex.
Have confidence in your new relationship and bring Alex. Fill him in on what happened. Learn self defense for women, it will boost your confidence.
Honey, they DID choose a side. It isn’t yours. I’d just give them what they want – Nathan.
They already chose, you just haven’t accepted it. Sorry, but you’re really better off creating a family of your own (blood relation not required), because some people suck, and sometimes those sucky people are related. That’s the case here. They chose Nathan, you choose others who actually care and respect you. I’m sorry your sister makes bad decisions, but you can’t force her to choose you.
You are not overreacting and it is sad to read how much you appreciated and reminisce about your childhood experiences with your sister. That time meant a lot…to YOU. Remember that just as you have grown up and become a different person than you were as a child, so did your sister. Just because YOU are capable of respect and consideration doesn’t mean others are. FWIW, you should give yourself and your partner a clean break from your sister, BIL, and ex even if for a few months…completely. Don’t engage. Don’t give anyone else any energy. Then take the time to re-assess your mental and emotional wellbeing for both of you. Until you do something like this for you and your partner and your future together, all that old junk and toxicity is weighing you both down and holding you both back. Believe that you both deserve better. Good luck!!
“I essentially wish they could just chose sides” – they did. They chose your ex. It’s clear they don’t care about you or your feelings. All their “updates” are to show you “what you are missing” by not being with him. They want you to be with him instead of Alex so their life can go back to normal. What are your parent’s thoughts on this? Do they invite him to stuff? Sorry to say, you will have to go LC or NC for your own mental well-being. Take care of yourself because your sister sure doesn’t care if you get hurt.
Go NC for a while for your own mental health. Make yourself your priority. Focus on what makes you happy. Hang with your friends. Make news friends. Broaden your network of friends.
Want to try living somewhere else and start fresh. Do it. Or start new hobbies that get you out of the house and enjoying life.
Forget your sister, her ass of a husband, and your loser ex.
You say you wish they would just choose a side, but the thing is they have chosen a side and it’s not yours. It hurts like he’ll when those you love and prioritize don’t do they same for you but unfortunately it is what it is and now you decide what’s next. You can control your decisions but not theirs.
YNOR but you need to go no contact with your family. You deserve better!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
They did choose sides. His. Act accordingly
Your sister ultimately chose the other guy over you cut ties she cares more about Nathan have a relationship with the baby more then babies aunt
We tend to learn about what a healthy relationship looks like from our family. So, when you specifically say that your relationship with Alex is the first time you’ve experienced compassion, love, affection, and gentleness, you’re probably right. I strongly recommend finding a nice therapist and identifying all the ways that your childhood should not be repeated.
I also strongly urge you to take a few minutes to decide who in your life is a kind person. Those are the people you should spend the vast majority of your time with.
When they tell you that you need to let it go and that you’re acting like a baby you need to uno reverse on them.
“Oh my god sis! Is that what your husband tells you that you’re overreacting and that you’re a baby. How cruel is he to you? Does he hit you? Does he call you names does he call you r3****ed too?” … “Oh my god! You’re afraid to tell me! What is he doing to you? You’re so terrified you can’t even tell me the truth!? You can’t live like that! You can’t live in fear. You need to leave him. You can come to my house right now. We have to get you away from him.”
Practice this several times before you try to do it. This is where all that memorization of poems and crap from school comes in handy. You thought you’d never used it again, but you were wrong.
Make a scene. Put doubt in every single person’s mind. Plan for her denials, and play them into your patter.
“I wish they could just choose sides”. It seems like they have. I’m so sorry but it’s not your side. It’s hurtful and I’m sorry they did that to you. But you and Alex now need to decide if you’ll just fade away or go to Events and feel uncomfortable. Now it’s your decision.
This is complicated your sister sucks balls and so does her husband. NOR
I think I know why you tolerated you ex-finace treatment for so long – your family is doing the exactly same thing.
You are no overreacting, and you need to actually stop coming to events.
They already DID choose the side and it’s nout yours.
I’m sorry but if you want your relationship with Alex to succeed, you will have to go no contact with your sister and BIL for a while. My guess is Nathan shows up because he knows it irritates you. If you’re not there his fun is ruined. When your sister calls, be pleasant but noncommittal. The very minute she mentions him say ‘I’m sorry but I have explained that I am not interested.’ Then hang up. If she really wants you in her life, she will get the message. Updateme
Go no contact. They’re as toxic as your ex is.
NOR. You deserve better. Since they have no interest in your wellbeing, drop the rope so that you can take care of yourself and nurture a healthy relationship with your new partner.
They have picked a side. His. Not yours, not her family – their friend.
Boundaries are a good thing.
Good luck.
Updateme
They did choose sides. Any time that you see them and they say anything about Nathan scream “NOT THAT AGAIN!” Just keep up until they stop saying it. If they start telling you to not scream, scream “NOT THAT AGAIN”. Just be obnoxious about it. If someone takes you aside so they can talk to you about this issue just repeat the “not that again” until people stop with the bs about Nathan.
They want you to be the victim. They want you to shut up. They want you to be disturbed. They want you to toe their line.
Don’t do it. Don’t go to the parties. Go get different friends. Your sister is a douche. Whoever doesn’t listen to you isn’t worth hanging around.
And let this be a lesson: stop keeping secrets about crappy people. It backfires on you.
“I essentially wish they could just choose sides”. I’m sorry to say this, but they already have chosen a side. Both of them chose your ex.
I can understand how hard this is to accept. But this is where things are right now.
Don’t try to push them (especially your sister) to change their minds. Just quietly back away. Don’t attend their events. Instead, spend quality time with Alex. Create your own circle of friends.
Maybe it’s just me, but my cheating senses are tingling. I think Hannah has something going on with Nathan.
I could see keeping him around if you broke up with him, but it’s weird that he broke up with you and she insists on keeping him around and almost bragging about his life updates.
It’s suspicious.
Stop dealing with them. They do not care about you. Live your life without them.
I feel like you need distance from your family and therapy.
I know it sounds daunting, but you’ll be fine. Choose to distance yourself from then at least for a few months.
Is your hatred for Nathan greater than your love for your sister and your nephew? If so, then cut them all loose and you’ll never have to see Nathan again. Or, if you really love your sister, you could realize that you are a grown ass woman who has moved on, and Nathan shouldn’t have that much power over you anymore. You have given him the power to make you choose against your family – you gonna let him keep that power?
Besides, you stop showing up and narcissist Nathan’s gonna know it’s because of him; he’s gonna think it’s because you’re not over him.
Living well is the best revenge. Cutting off your own family on account of your ex is not living well.
Petty Me: I would still go to the wedding and future events and ignore him and show that I’m living my best life with someone better than him. Why let someone pathetic and selfish like him from stopping you from going or doing anything?
Roles should have been reversed and your sister would be whining and calling you names for doing what she is doing now.
It’s not that complicated. Just don’t go to events which makes you uncomfortable. If you only matter that less to your sister , I don’t think you have to go out of your comfort zone for her. Let her and her husband hang with Nathan and his narcissistic ass and let’s hope this husband is not like his best friend (only time will tell)
Keep your boundaries strong and don’t settle cuz your sister sounds like a jerk.
NTA.
YOU CANNIT FORCE PEOPLE TO CUT TIES WITH ANYONE!!!
YOU CANT FOR PEOPLE TO CHOOSE YOU IN AN ULTIMATUM.
With that said, yours and your byfriwnss reactions are also encouraging them to continue their bullshit. Your sister and her man are not in your corner.
Go to therapy.
Your boyfriend needs to be thicker skinned. Being supportive of you is the right thing but becoming uncomfortable because he mentioned or around is weird.
You and your Bf, especially you, need to grey rock your sister, her husband, and anyone else who participates in getting to you.
Make your boundary AND ENFORCE IT.
Live your life for you no matter how or what your ex and his lackey are doing to keep you connected to him.
You got this. You do not need to forgive him. And you don’t technically need to move on. But you do for the betterment of yourself. You deserve peace and happiness.
Updateme
NTA. begin slowly distancing yourself from them
Not overreacting at all!
They picked your nasty ex over you!
Show them you don’t care and go on and have an extremely happy life with your boy Alex!
No you’re not overreacting you’re not reacting enough.
Time to go LC (stop making any effort in the relationship make them responsible for maintaining the relationship). Then if they don’t make the effort or do but still try to pressure you into spending time in your ex’s presence just cut them off all the way.
When I left my ex there was a lot of crossover on friendships. His sister was my closest friend second only to my bestie, until the day she died. While he was pretty much one of my uncle’s (only 10 years older than me) few friends after he moved to that area from a different state. Then all but 2 of our common friends were his friends before they met me.
Not one person ever tried to get me to hang out with him or attend the same party or events. The girls and a few of the guys threw me a “congratulations you’re free” party the day our divorce was finalized.
The only updates on his life that his sister ever gave me was when he would get caught cheating on the AP that he knocked up and married 6 weeks after the divorce was finalized. Which was about once every 6 months. As far as I know he’s still with her and still cheating on the regular after 19 years.
In your shoes, I would just quit going around them.
That baby will be taught to treat you the same way.