I (21F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (23M) for four months. We’ve known each other and talked on and off for about two years, and things started off strong once we officially got together. However, since he began a new work program where most, if not all of his coworkers are women. Making it inevitable for him to make friends with women which I understand, but recurring issues have made me question the trust and respect in our relationship.
I would like to preface by saying , we both have opposite gender friends prior to getting together , and it has never been an issue on either of our parts.
The first red flag happened when he went to a theme park with two female coworkers (to be fair they all work there) and didn’t tell me until he was already on his way with them, only knowing them for about a month at this point, and wasn’t planning to tell me bc I literally had to pry that out of him which I did on accident with general questions. His explanation was that he didn’t want me to get upset , but instead of communicating openly, he chose to omit the truth and then ignored me the rest of the day. We talked about it for a couple of hours, and he apologized. I thought we moved forward.
However, there have been ongoing issues, primarily with one woman in particular who messages him frequently. He hides her messages when I’m around, literally swiping them away mid-conversation. I genuinely did not want to see what they are talking about but he kept saying “I’m scared of what she is going to say” … so naturally I was like well wtf … I finally asked to see the texts after he swiped up out of it for the 2nd time that day, it turned out she mostly vents to him about her personal and work life or exchanged reels , but that only reinforced how emotionally inappropriate their dynamic felt, especially since I had previously communicated that it made me uncomfortable. He had agreed to boundaries around one-on-one hangouts with coworkers and transparency about their interactions, but has repeatedly broken them.
Most recently, I caught him in another lie. He went to the movies and arrived early to meet people , including the same woman , but told me he got there early “just to see if anyone he knew was around.” When I confronted him later, he admitted he had lied again and said he was trying to avoid conflict.
In a later conversation, he finally acknowledged that this woman sometimes makes him uncomfortable and that he’s avoided setting boundaries with her because he doesn’t want to create tension at work. He also admitted that he’s been defensive, dismissive of my concerns, and assumed the discomfort was my issue, not his. Only after someone else pointed this out to him did he fully take accountability.
I explained to him that he is lying to me, manipulating me, omitting information from me, and trying to victimize himself . I may be foolish to give another chance, but I’m not stupid and I’m very aware of these patterns. I have lived them, experienced them, and witnessed them, and also go to counseling…
To be clear: I do not believe he has physically cheated. But the secrecy, the boundary violations, and the pattern of lying to avoid confrontation have eroded a lot of trust. I’ve tried to be understanding, especially since I’ve been open about working on jealousy and trust myself. But this feels beyond that it feels like a fundamental lack of respect.
My family and friends have all warned me that these behaviors tend to escalate, and that he may not change. I’m torn between giving him the chance to rebuild trust now that he’s finally admitted fault, or accepting that the relationship is already damaged in ways that might not be repairable.
TL;DR:
My boyfriend has repeatedly lied about his interactions with female coworkers, hides her messages from me, and has only recently admitted she makes him uncomfortable. I’ve communicated clear boundaries, but he’s broken them multiple times. He’s now taking accountability, but it took weeks and outside pressure. I haven’t caught him cheating, but I feel disrespected and unsure if trust can be rebuilt. Am I overreacting, or are these serious red flags?
So, Reddit: am I overreacting for still feeling uncomfortable and hurt? Or are these red flags I shouldn’t ignore?