Hi everyone, I could really use some outside perspective because I can’t tell if I’m being hormonal/postpartum sensitive or if my feelings are valid.
My husband (27) and I (27) just had our first baby, who is also MIL’s first grandbaby. We recently moved into MIL’s house temporarily while we save/close on our own home. She lives downstairs, we live upstairs, and she’s said many times that the upstairs is “our space.”
Some context:
• MIL is an alcoholic and chronic weed smoker (literally every 30–60 minutes, all day, every day). We’ve made it clear she cannot touch the baby if she’s been drinking or smoking, but she lies about it.
• She’s also nearly blind and very clumsy—she falls a lot.
• She lies to us regularly, ignores boundaries, and “confesses” later. Because of all of this, I do not trust her with the baby at all, especially unsupervised.
Now for the specific baby-related issues:
1. Running to the baby when he cries – Anytime baby cries, MIL is suddenly upstairs within a minute. She doesn’t always try to help, she just stares, comments, or hovers. It stresses me out. Recently, my husband took about 30 seconds to finish setting his phone down before picking baby up, and MIL got visibly angry and muttered to me that it “pissed her off.” Then she told my husband, “I never let you cry even for a second.” So now it feels like every time she rushes up, she’s judging our parenting.
-
Unannounced visits – Even though upstairs is supposed to be our space, MIL comes up without knocking/announcing herself—usually when the baby cries. I’ve been caught fresh out of the shower, mid-pumping, etc. We’ve asked her to announce herself, and sometimes she does, but often she doesn’t. It feels like I can’t have privacy in what’s supposed to be our living space.
-
Undermining when holding baby – When she does hold him, within a minute she starts saying things like:
• “Oh, you want your mommy, don’t you?”
• “Mommy, he needs you, he’s hungry!”
• “His diaper is wet, mommy, he needs changing.”
Basically telling me to swoop in and handle him. If she can’t comfort him for more than 60 seconds without shoving him back onto me, then why ask to hold him in the first place? -
Pushing “help” – My husband is more open to her “help” now that we’re sleep-deprived, but it drives me crazy. She comes up, wants to hold him, and immediately starts in with “this is how you do it” while criticizing how we soothe him. Most of the time our ways work just fine, and when they don’t, it’s just because he’s fussy—not because we’re doing it wrong. My husband says, “She just wants to help,” but to me it doesn’t feel like help—it feels like stress. The second she inserts herself, I get annoyed, frustrated, and angry. With my mom, I feel supported and cared for. With MIL, it feels like she just wants to insert herself. -
The mental load – I’m always trying to be gracious, patient, and kind with her, but the truth is I don’t want her hovering or “helping.” Every time she comes up, I’m running through: is she sober, should she be allowed to hold him, how do I say no without causing tension? The guilt, stress, and second-guessing are just exhausting.
I know postpartum hormones are intense, and maybe I’m being overly sensitive. But between her addictions, constant lying, boundary stomping, and running up every time the baby makes a peep, I feel constantly stressed in what’s supposed to be my safe space.
So my question is: Am I overreacting here? Or are these boundaries worth standing firm on even if it makes things awkward in her house?
Comments
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Moving in with her was the worst decision you could have made. If she’s a high, clumsy, half blind drunk then she cannot be trusted with the baby, it’s not worth the risk of her falling with or dropping the baby.
Can you move to your mums instead? Are you close to closing on a house of your own?
Put a child gate at the top/bottom of the stairs. Say you are making sure that it will be safe when baby gets to crawling and you come to visit.
In reality it will slow her down and possibly stop her as she won’t be able to get it open easily if she is drunk or stoned.
Is there a lock you can get on doors so that she can’t run up every time she hears the baby cry? I could not stand that. It’s also perfectly fine for babies to cry, you can finish up what you’re doing quickly before attending them, that is not neglect.
I would just start very loudly making my point. “MIL, why are you up here again when I’ve asked you to please announce yourself?” “You are obviously not sober so I don’t know why you’re coming to baby’s ‘rescue’ when you can’t even hold him.”
Omg this is insane so it must be so much worse with being postpartum. You are not overreacting at all. This is unhinged plus there’s an added safety risk with the sobriety. You don’t have any actual space to yourself. I hope you can move out soon. In the meantime I would create boundaries and enforce them. She is not allowed upstairs. She isn’t allowed to hold him. Not allowed to do anything unless you specifically ask. Or she asks and you actually are ok with it. In worried about baby’s safety too.
This all sucks and it would definitely stress me out. My MIL is very similar. I love her, but she’s a lot and can’t help but be herself and live the way she always has, which is often beyond my comfort level and would be extremely hard to live with. I can definitely relate.
For me, I would have dealt with a lot to have the opportunity to live with her to pay off debt, save for a home, and start on a better footing than we were able to. We have an ongoing financial insecurity cloud over our heads that would have been significantly reduced, if not eliminated entirely, had we had the same level of support.
My hope for you is that you’re able to find a middle ground that works for all of you while getting what you need, which will lay the groundwork for a more stable future. It’s her home, and she’s going to live in it the way she wants to, with or without you and your family present. In an ideal world, she would be healthier, help more, and cause less stress. But, it’s her life, and at the end of the day, she /is/ doing you a favor.
If you are able, lock your doors upstairs, try to lay down firm boundaries and remind her of them ad nauseum, be out of the house as much as you can, and have your husband play interference as much as possible when you’ve got the baby and vice versa. I don’t think your feelings are irrational or that it’s “just hormones”. I think it’s all very valid and I empathize, but I also think that if you can reduce some of the biggest causes of stress and keep your eye on the prize, achieving your goals of buying a home on firm financial ground will be all the sweeter.
*Edited to clarify and for spelling
Get an airbnb until you close
Find the most complicated baby gate you can and put it at the top of the stairs.
Move out as soon as you can!
So you are taking care of two toddlers.
Find somewhere else to live. I know you said you’re trying to save/close on your own home. Find somewhere, a short term let from AirBnB or even a hotel room to live in until you get your own place sorted.
She is in her way judging your parenting. You are both staying under her roof though. The only way to solve this is for you, your husband and your baby to move out.
If you do move out – she won’t hear the baby. The unannounced visits will drop off (if you move far enough away) and your issues 3, 4 and 5 will also disappear. You can decide who gets to visit and stay or if they need to stay elsewhere.
This is something in your (and I mean you and your husband here) control but you’re probably so stressed out you can’t really see it clearly yet.
Keep going momma – you’re doing fine!
Is she smoking inside the house? You definitely shouldn’t be subjecting your baby to that.
You’re not overreacting but you need to find somewhere else to live. ASAP
This has to be really tough, OP. Sleep deprivation, hormones still doing weird shit, and the incredible responsibility of looking after keeping a helpless human alive and well is a lot, so it stands to reason that you might want some help.
Shortly before my first nibling was born, I told my sister that I wanted to be clear with her in advance that any smidgen of help she wanted, I would provide: there would be a Cicadas-shaped hole in my door like a cartoon character as soon as she called. BUT: I know myself well enough to know that of COURSE I was going to want to baby-hog (and who could blame me? Babies are super-cute and snuggly!), and I might very well need to be told to hand the kid back over in plain language (I was diagnosed about a decade later with ASD, which made things make more sense in terms of the “can’t always read the room in the moment” kind of thing. I’m fairly self-aware, but not always on the fly, there’s a lot of “oh, SHIT, I shouldn’t have said/done that…” after the fact. But I try!). I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t feel like she needed to tiptoe around my feelings or second-guess herself out of just saying “give me my baby” because she wanted me to continue to help at some future point.
At the time, I had no idea how big a deal this was, and, since my niece was her first kid, neither did my sister. Both grandmothers (my mother is her stepmother) were both very “this is how you do things” people. They might have had good intentions (I’d like to think so), but they just didn’t listen. She later told me that she preferred having me look after my niece because “you actually do what I ask, and check with me about things in advance when you don’t know what I will want done,” and I was all “well, like, DUH, it’s YOUR kid; WTF would have to be wrong with me to try to tell YOU how to manage YOUR kid?!?” It was only after I found this subreddit that I learned how seemingly uncommon that can be. I’m half-convinced that it’s the ASD in me, LOL: it’s her kid, ergo logic dictates that she is the ultimate authority on what should happen to said kid; therefore, I and people like me should check with her and then do the thing she asks for.
Anyway: there’s several paragraphs of my life story you probably didn’t need; the TL;DR is: shut MIL the hell down. “Thanks, I’ve got this;” “I’m following my pediatrician’s advice,” “I am capable of looking after LO myself and don’t want your advice,” etc. Let her tantrum about it. And don’t let her hold your kid or be around it when she has been consuming alcohol or weed. Not only is third-hand smoke a thing, and there is no reason to expose your child to an increased risk of impaired decision-making or slowed physical reaction times.
Best of luck; I hope you can get out of there very soon.
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Can you and the baby stay with your mother? Can you install locks on the doors upstairs and use them?
Unfortunately you put yourselves in a not good position by moving into her house. Especially if you knew about the pot smoking, near blindness, and clumsiness before you moved in. I’m not sure what your husband thought was going to happen.
But you’re not wrong for wanting privacy, boundaries upheld, and the space to be a parent to your own baby. MIL needs to back off.
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Not overreacting. She’s an addict who lies, ignores boundaries, and stresses you out in your supposed safe space. That’s not “help,” that’s chaos. Your only mistake was moving in with her, get out as fast as possible and stop letting guilt run the show.
Yeah her help is getting annoying. Did you close on the house yet?
Are you closing on a house which ch usually takes 6-8 weeks or saving for a house, which can be open ended?
If you were saving for a house, I would really consider just biting the bullet and paying rent somewhere Her drinking and weed smoking is only going to get more problematic as your baby gets older. It sounds like an incredibly unhealthy environment that very few people would want to be in, especially with a child.
Your MIL’s behavior is invasive and controlling. She’s not respecting boundaries or your parenting. Given her substance use and clumsiness, it’s reasonable you’re cautious. You need to prioritize your and your baby’s well-being over being “gracious” to her. Set firm boundaries, and if she can’t respect them, limit her access to the baby. You’re not overreacting.
Can you stay with your mom until the house closes? It may be cramped but better than what you have to deal with now. Keep your doors locked so MIL can’t get in to your room. Flat out tell her she is not to come upstairs when she hears baby crying. How much longer until you’re in your new home? I hope it’s not located near your ILs.
Nah, you’re 100% spot on. The lack of privacy and constant interference gotta be mentally exhausting. Ur home should be ur peace and safe space, not anxiety central! Postpartum hormones or not, ur feelings are valid, and ur MIL ain’t doing a lot to make it easier for ya. Alright, it’s her place, but boundary respect is crucial. Stick up for urself more often, and maybe get ur husband to back u up more. Hang in there mate, better days r coming for sure!
Not overreacting. You’re not wrong, she’s toxic, unsafe, and boundary-breaking. “Help” that stresses you and puts the baby at risk isn’t help. Lock down your space and enforce the rules, awkward be damned.
You are not overreacting. I’m not a mother, but I can visualize the dynamic here and it is stressing me out FOR you. I cannot stand doing something and there is someone breathing down my neck and criticizing every move. There’s an inherent reason for your stress too- she is acting like you’re ignorant and trying to remain in control.
Also, this woman is always high?? I don’t judge, but when she is handling a newborn, she needs to keep her drug use to a minimum- she is irresponsible and a liability.
You need to have a serious come to Jesus with your husband and tell him your feelings. I might even show him this post and the comments to aid in your case.
Not overreacting. That’s not “help,” it’s control + stress. Your space, your rules, your baby, end of story. Stop rationalizing her behavior; enforce boundaries and let your husband back you up. Sleep-deprived or not, no one gets free rein to undermine your parenting.
Aside from her invasive behavior, you cannot leave her alone with your child. People who are high cannot take care of children. I would be extremely careful about letting her hold the baby, given her low vision and substance use. She needs to be sober, sitting, and clean – weed leaves residue on your hands, just like cigarettes do.
I think your last two paragraphs paint the picture. It’s your baby and your boundaries. She probably means well she’s just going about it in irritating ways
Not overreacting. I dealt a lot with #5 with my in laws and it tanked my mental health postpartum. Cutting them off from me and mostly my child helped immensely
If there’s land, perhaps you could get small cheap travel trailer for a place to escape to. Call it a “studio” or an office. Just somewhere you can go and BREATHE. It will have a lockable door, and it won’t be hers to enter at will. You can sell it when you are ready to leave and use the money to buy furniture!
You or DH need to get one of those wooden door wedges (~$3) and put it under the door of your room. It will help keep this nosy grandma out. She will give up after 3- 4 attempts to enter your room.
No, this isn’t hormones this is actually an issue. She may “just want to help” but she’s not being helpful and frankly, it’ll be more helpful in the long run if she lets you figure this out without her being nearby.
Here’s the other issue: there’s been a shift in dynamics and she’s not allowing that shift to complete itself. You are now parents, and she’s behaving like you’re children who need her. She’s treating “your space” like you’re teenagers instead of adults entitled to privacy. She’s hovering because she isn’t trusting you to do what’s right for baby.
So the way you address that is to say “I know you want to help, but if you’re always hovering, we aren’t going to learn. It would be more helpful if you would wait to be asked and let us figure things out.”
The way you hold the boundaries that you’ve already addressed is to ask her to go back to the stairs and knock. “You said this was our space, if that’s the case, we need you to wait to be invited in. If you can’t do that, this isn’t really our space.” Every time she walks in, send her back to the stairs. And before she enters, ask her “are you sober? Have you been smoking?” If you can’t smell it, tell her so and say “I can smell smoke on you, I have to assume you’ve been smoking. I need you to wash your hands and change your clothes, we can visit again in 5 minutes after you’ve done that.” Ask her every time, even if she lies, you’re still telling her “this is my expectation.” And when she hovers, tell her firmly “I’ve got it, you can go.”
Now if she can’t stand hearing baby cry, maybe a good compromise would be to ask her to set a timer. If baby is still crying after twenty minutes, you’ll be okay with her offering to help.
Unfortunately since you’re living with an addict, you may need to move after you stand your ground. If she can’t handle a baby crying (some people can’t!) then she probably shouldn’t live with a baby. But in the meantime, she does need to be reminded to give the parents a chance to be parents.
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Install a very complex baby gate at the top of the stairs, for safety. And a door lock, for safety. She needs an invitation before coming up, and you will open the gate and door. If she objects, then express deep disappointment that it really isn’t your space.
You also need to be less gracious, patient and kind with her – it makes her think that her behavior is ok. Tell her that her hovering is really starting to stress you out, and that you need some space.
The important question isn’t whether you are overreacting, the important question is have you and DH got somewhere else to go if MIL kicks you out?
If you do then you can “stand firm” but if not then not so much. There are limits to how much of a hard line you can take if you need the other person to supply the roof over your and your child’s heads.
That doesn’t mean you can’t still set boundaries just that those boundaries need to be realistic and practical for your actual situation not just good in hypothetical theory.
You cant be upset with MIL being in your space if it’s her house. While her ‘help’ is not good, you really need to find your own place as soon as possible.