I’m looking for some perspective because I feel sick about something my MIL did, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting.
A little backstory: my MIL and I have had issues for years. Some examples:
– When she first met me, she pulled my husband aside and asked him if I was physically abusive to him. (Completely insulting, baseless, and disgusting.)
– After I had a very traumatic c-section with my second baby, she guilt-tripped my husband literally an hour after birth because we sent the announcement to her and his immediate family in a group chat, instead of sending it to her individually. She made that moment about herself when I was barely out of surgery.
– She has called me crazy and said I belong in a mental institution. Literally verbally abused me.
– She has spoken badly about me and my family behind my back to my sister-in-law and others.
– She has come into my home multiple times and made me deeply uncomfortable.
– She frequently messages my husband trying to guilt trip him and put him in the middle.
Despite all of this, I’ve still given her chances, tried to forgive, and attempted to move forward for the sake of family peace.
But a few nights ago, she “accidentally” sent me a Facebook profile of a page all about how plus-size women should dress to “hide belly fat.” I’m only 2 months postpartum. When I asked her what it was, she claimed it was an accident and said she didn’t know how it sent to me. But here’s the thing: on Messenger, you can’t just “accidentally” send something like that. You have to physically go to the profile, click share, pick the person, and press send. It takes several deliberate steps.
Given our history, it’s almost impossible for me to believe it was a slip of the finger. It felt like another jab at me, and at the absolute worst time — when I’m already vulnerable postpartum.
So my question is: am I overreacting for being this hurt and upset? Is there any realistic chance that this could have been an accident, especially given her past behavior toward me? Or am I right to feel like this was another intentional, cruel move?
The reason I’m asking is because I’m about to text her and say I’m going no-contact for my own peace, but I don’t want to overreact if I’m seeing this wrong.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as hellolovelyworld404 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe hellolovelyworld404 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
You know what the best no contact is? Simply block her. She doesn’t need your explanation. She knows every dirty trick she has pulled. If he still wants to be around her, ok. But you need to protect your peace. Good luck! She’s almost ensuring you won’t have her around. What the plan with her and your baby moving forward?
You are not seeing it wrong.
When your MIL was playing these several cruel games, how did your
SO respond?
OP, please check the booklist list, there are a couple that might be helpful in the coming years.
You’re not overreacting.
She’s mean.
However before you act, know that:
• She will play the victim if you send her a text. You can go no contact without explaining to her.
• If you aren’t ready to commit to no contact, you can go low contact and drop the rope. See her less. Don’t reply to her texts. Let your partner deal with MIL for everything.
• A reasonable consequence to her sending this bitchy body shaming post to you, is to block her on all social media. Don’t give her the opportunity to ‘slip up’ (ie deliberately attack you) again.
Where’s your partner in all of this meanness???
She’s purposely cruel. I wouldn’t message her, I’d simply remove her as a friend and even go as far as to block her so she can’t “accidentally” send you anything else.
The best predictor of current behavior is relevant past behavior. She’s trying to gaslight you.
Where’s your husband in all this? I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of a response. Just drop the rope, block, mute, ignore and live your best life.
She’s doing this SO you’ll text her and give her a reaction. Then, she’ll play the victim and run to your husband about how bad you treat her, and on top of that, nothing you say will get through to her. She’s baiting you. She wants to know if she hurt you, and she wants attention from your husband. If you text her, you’re playing right into her hands. Don’t give her what she wants, and never give her the satisfaction of thinking she hurt you.
Please greatly limit or totally avoid her time with your child. She will hurt them too.
You are not overreacting and have already given her more of your time than she deserves.
I am proud of you for finally going no contact. She does not deserve your company.
[removed]
OP, you need to call time on any form of relationship with this woman. Trying to be the bigger person and continually give them the benefit of doubt sadly let’s someone like MIL know that she can keep doing it and getting away with it.
No response is a response. Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she got under your skin. Remove and block her from social media, Messenger and also on your phone. She no longer exists to you. Leave it to your DH to advise her that you have finally had enough of her and want nothing to do with her and that means she no longer steps foot in your home nor will you allow your children to be exposed to her toxic behavior!
That was no mistake and it is despicable. Silence is golden.
I’ve had a mother outlaw for 40+ years. First, this communication nrrds to come from your husband. If he’s not standing by you and for you, then you need some marriage counseling. His parent, his job. Your parent, your job. If she has Ny issues with you, she neefs to come to him and he needsto deal with it. I feel you totally.
You aren’t overreacting. Your MIL is unkind, hurtful and a drama queen. Take a step back. Block MIL online. Don’t have her in your home. Expect DH to do all communication with her. Limit visits, limit interactions. She doesn’t deserve your time, energy or care.
This should be such an incredible time for you. Your baby is 2 months old! No one should be making you feel bad. No one should be causing drama. You deserve peace, love and happiness.
What you need is for your DH to step it up. He needs to protect you. He needs to support your needs. He needs to be a husband and father. Talk to him about how you feel. Tell him how he can help. Expect him to step up.
OP, you deserve better! 💜
[removed]
Don’t text, don’t say a word. Just block her on everything. Don’t respond to text msgs or phone calls. Mute her calls and texts if you don’t want to outright block her. Don’t say anything to husband either. Just cut her off. She is hubby’s mother. Let hubby deal with her. Drop the rope. Avoid her at all costs. Walk away if at a gathering. When she complains say you have no idea what she is talking about. Busy mother and wife. Focusing on me, my health, my husband and my children.
Send that text! No contact (even if not forever) will give you so much peace. Don’t let her ruin your sweet newborn bliss! Soak up the snuggles and enjoy this season!
Don’t text her. Just block her and go NC; don ‘t engage with her at all. Let your husband deal with her if he opts to maintain contact.. If the examples you describe are for real, you’ve already gone too far with allowing her behavior.
Why is your husband not handling all communication with HIS mother? He runs ideas/schedules/visits by you before he communicates to her your mutual decisions. Period.
You don’t need to tell her you’re going no contact. Just do it. And then enjoy the peace.
Stop letting this woman abuse you and out you down. Cut her out of your life. She has no respect for you. you don’t owe her anything.
You aren’t overreacting. She hasn’t seen any consequences for any of the terrible things she’s done. It’s time for your husband to step up to the plate and handle her. Your only focus is taking care of your sweet baby. If you re-read what you wrote, she has had way too many chances and if you add them up, she doesn’t deserve another. This isn’t how you treat a new parent.
Why do you need to announce to her that you’re going NC? Just go quietly, don’t stir up drama. She’ll figure it out when she notices the distance. You don’t owe her any explanation. Why give her the satisfaction of being the victim? Just “be busy, didn’t see her message,” etc. You know and she knows she sent it. But all you’re going to hear is “I already explained it was a mistake, so whhatt more can I do?”
[removed]
I don’t think you need to announce it. Block her on fb (as the first step). She will likely see that eventually and ask why and you just say “oh I just didn’t want to accidentally receive any insulting things from you. You said you didn’t mean to send it to me and I believe you, but I wanted to make sure in case you make that mistake again that I don’t want to get mean things like that on purpose OR by accident :)”
I’ve learned that my “paranoia” about my MIL thoughts and feelings make me feel nuts until she does something that makes it so clear that I was right. If it makes you feel better, I also feel like she meant to send you that. They do things like that when there’s no way for you to prove it, and they can hide behind their good nature.
Just go no contact. Don’t tell her anything. Block her everywhere. Do not attend events that she is involved in. Hubby can go of he pleases, but he is a huge part of the problem. Why isn’t he defending you?
I don’t think it was an accident. She’s intentionally being obtuse so it can be your fault that you took offense.
I suggest responding with something like, “well, you’ve just lost 12 pounds for good!” Or however much your new baby currently weighs.
Don’t tell you’re going no contact. Just let that comment lie and block her everywhere. She no longer has access to you or your babe!
Not an accident
I agree with you that this most likely wasn’t an accident. Here’s the thing, though…even if it was a legitimate accident, the other things you describe are certainly enough to warrant no contact or low contact. If the woman is stealing your peace, then it’s time. You can reevaluate at another time, when you are feeling less vulnerable, but do whatever YOU need RIGHT NOW.
Also, don’t bother telling her that you’re going no/low contact. It’ll just give her ammunition. Block her on FB, block her cell phone number, don’t go along for visits, etc. Have some serious talks with your husband and figure out how to keep yourself protected going forward.
Stop being upset and learn to stand up. The more she gets a reaction out of you, the more power she has over you.
I wouldn’t notify her you’re changing how you communicate with her. Just let her find out through your future actions.
Don’t announce you’re going no contact.
Just go no contact.