Looking for some other people’s perspectives. My relationship with my husband is going downhill because his drinking and smoking habits have gradually increased since we got married to the point where now he is never sober anymore after the kids go to bed, which is when he and I finally actually have time for each other. I miss talking to him and the physical part of our relationship but I don’t want to touch him or talk when he’s far from sober and smells like an alcoholic. He composes himself ok, I think because he’s so used to it, but I can tell bc of knowing him so well when he is not sober. I’ve talked to him a ton of times in a respectful way about how it bothers me that I don’t feel connected to him anymore and I also don’t feel super safe with him doing that while we have two toddlers to take care of. He drinks in front of them but not smokes, but I’m sure he’s been high with them because he uses gummies so it’s not obvious.
He drinks about 5-7 bud lights 4x a week and smokes every night all night. His excuse is always that his job is stressful (which I know it is) and it’s a sacrifice “we” are making to make plenty of money.
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This will lead to divorce if you ignore the problem until it explodes. This will lead to divorce if you confront him and he doesn’t change. If it does not resolve and does not lead to divorce you and the children will be miserable. Children of addicts often become addicts. The relationship they grow to subconsciously emulate should not be disconnected and resentful or miserable. The best you can do is confront it and hope he puts the work in too. Make sure he knows if he does not change all this stressful work will be for nothing because your family will collapse.
The spouse of an addict has a difficult row to hoe, and it’s frustrating because it’s not your fault.
I was your husband in my last relationship. I had addiction issues and hid them from my ex until one day I got caught in a lie. She didn’t give me a second chance, I miss her terribly, but it was the kick in the pants I needed to get sober. We broke up in 2017, and I’ve been sober since 2018.
I’m not saying you need to break up with him, but what I am saying is that with an addict, even one in denial, they will not change until they absolutely, positively have to, and even then, they may relapse. I hope yours isn’t a situation where he needs to hit rock bottom for him to change, but for a lot of addicts, that’s what it takes.
You might wanna look into AlAnon near you, or online (r/AlAnon), it’s a support group for people whose significant others are addicted to drugs or alcohol.
Leave before it is late. My two cents.
Draw the line let him know this isn’t how you want your marriage to be.
He is escaping. I apologize in advance if this sounds hurtful but you are not a reprieve for him. If his work is so stressful, the last thing he is going to gravitate towards is a partner that is picking him apart. You have EVERY right to not agree with what he’s doing but I, personally, feel like he’s providing and he seems to be coherent enough to be mindful of his behaviors in front of the kids. I think we can all agree that we’d like to find solace in our partners but, that is not happening here. People drink, smoke, do drugs, overheat, over exercise. Heck, I met a girl once so addicted to nose spray she would rip the top off and POUR it down her sinuses multiple times a day (forget misting). Point is, how bad is 5 to 7 cans of beer? Is he driving drunk? Hurting people? Belching all over you? How bad is it? If it’s not the 5 or 7 beers, it’ll be something else.
You need a husband. Let him know.
The kids will remember him for this. Trust me.
Ask him to spend some time sober with you each week.
It’s time to change jobs. Are you willing to let him take a 30% pay cut?
Often removing as much stress factors as possible can help rebuild healthy routines. Doing less work can help him go to the gym. People start to get a lot more health conscious once they get into fitness.
You need to get couples counselling to allow you and your husband to discuss this with someone who can help you deal with it. Maybe he needs to change jobs or maybe he needs something else but this will only get worse if it’s not handled soon.
No, you are not. Put your foot down and tell him he needs to seek help, or else you’re done.
bud light?? if he makes a lot of money, why is he drinking like a college freshman on financial aid?
To be fair, it takes like 6 pack of bud “light” to catch a buzz…
He probably isn’t ready to admit to himself that his choices have crept up and become an addiction. I did this during covid and it took another addiction (time at the gym) to help me over come alcohol misuse. Now I have rules I follow. Mainly to make it irregular and I never drink if I’m bored. My relationship with my wife is in a much better place now.
In my opinion, from what you have shared, he is in a bad habit and should scale it back.
I would add as well tho, and I don’t mean this to be rude, but how is your behavior when you two actually do talk?
Do you complain a lot/criticize or do you actually focus on “fun” conversation.
Your needs might not be being met, and much of his behavior may be unattractive, but it really does go both ways.
If you aren’t the hot fun person he fell for, that isn’t going to help you regain what is missing. I think a lot of people get stuck on trying to point out what they are missing rather than trying to be more attractive to their partner emotionally and/or physically. As much as it sucks to be the one feeling like you are putting in a lot more effort, but sometimes it is necessary. People get sick, they get depressed. Need the right mix of support and kick in the ass.
I am saying this because I don’t know y’all.
Relationships take a lot of work from both sides.
Stupid question. While dating what was he like? And how long till engagement/marriage.
I used to drink heavily on the weekends since I didn’t like to do it a night before work. Took a bad episode on my son’s and father-in-law’s birthday party to realize I needed to stop, so after blacking out locking myself in the bathroom, puking, scaring my wife I told her and myself I’m never doing this again and that was it.
Hopefully you can get it figured out before it comes to something like this especially with the kids. He’d be too high or drunk to deal with an emergency
I’m going to give you some very real advice here as I have live through this via the side your husband is living.
You’re husband isn’t communicating to you just how hard and down he is feeling right now….and you don’t appear to be able to pickup on the signals of this. That’s not an attack on you. Its just that I speak from personal experience.
I too am a heavy drinker (culturally it was seen as normal and expected). There have been times when my drinking became a multi day per week thing. No one outside the house knew as I always made it to work on time, never missed appointments, never drank and drove and never got a DUI. I have never been violent towards others when drinking so I didn’t see any reason to be concerned. But looking back I see that I drank because I was unhappy.
The stress in my life was so pervasive that it felt like there was literally no escape from it regardless if it was work related or if it was applied by family life. It just never ended. I was also extremely lonely as we had moved to a new city and I missed having friends. So I chased that feeling through the bottle because growing up, the most fun I ever had was at parties and like they say “The party doesn’t start without first, shots!”
How did I get out of it? I got lucky, we moved again, I changed jobs and my work life got so much less stressful. I still struggled finding friends but at least I didn’t feel the need to numb my feelings everynight. Then slowly, my relationship got better.
Your husband really is going through some stuff and just because you’re not able to see it from his perspective, doesn’t mean it’s not very real, very difficult for him and he may not know how to get pull out from that hole.
I recommend seeking the advice of someone else he trusts, preferably another male or male role-model in his life, and tell them what’s going on. Your husband may not intend to be ignoring you but someone he trusts whom he feels understands him may be able to break through.
But overall, trust me, the guy needs someone to talk to. Right now, he doesn’t feel he can talk to you…..or anyone for that matter. ….sometimes that’s a guy thing.