40m 35f we’ve been together for 8 years married 3. She’s made boundaries since day 1 of not having people on social media that would make the other uncomfortable. If someone adds me I screenshot it and check with her if she knows them/her.
We don’t go out very often due to work and having kids. We went out for our friends 40th birthday. His brother in law is a friend of ours also and he’s always out drinking and is a 100% an alcoholic F boy, he was drunk and randomly said “is your relationship good like it is ok she messages me all the time on snap and huh you know umm I think she wants it” I said oh she has you on snap I didn’t think you guys knew each other like that.
so when people went out of the bar to smoke, my buddy the bday guy was still sitting next to me, I asked my wife to come over (she was like 6 seats away at the bar) and asked to see her snap, who’s her top friends. She straight up said No about 30 times, I opened my snap up took a blank pic and went through my who list in front of her. I have nothing to hide…. so this was an instant red flag and I called her out for cheating or being shady. She ended up going to the bathroom and most likely deleting anything she could. So I left her at the bar and went home.
About 15-20 min I cooled down and I came back to support my friend and ended up having a good night without her(she was sitting outside). When I came back the dude said he was just messing around and he added her because she popped up (which he never added me) and that he made it all up there was nothing bad sent and was dumb things like pics of her nails being done. Video of My daughter scaring me etc like things she would put on her story. Same dude got in between his sister and my buddy(birthday dude) when they were getting married saying dumb things like you sure you wanna marry her and other things, he is known for starting random problems with people …BUT… my wife deleted everything (I think) and I never got to see anything so I’m holding a grudge a month later that there could of been sexual things with him or other guys. She said she didn’t show me because I would be mad she added him back. Which I would have because of the boundaries she makes and I’ve randomly seen her flirt with him in front of me.
Would I be the A hole to ask her randomly to show me her snap when we’re sitting at home. I’ve never been the guy to worry or go through phones or her watch. She use to constantly check my phone or watch even while sleeping. I still got this gut feeling there’s something.
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If she had nothing to hide, she would’ve shown you. Saying no 30 times then deleting stuff is shady. Even if that guy was joking, her reaction raised red flags. You’re not wrong for feeling off. Trust matters and her actions broke it, asking to see Snap later isn’t crazy, it’s about rebuilding trust not control…
NTA, something is definitely feeling shadey af.
She’s hiding something
She thought showing you would be worse for her. You were a secondary concern.
I’m sorry your trust is broken.
It would not make you an asshole, but I think what it comes down to is having some really really hard conversations with her about what she’s doing online and if she feels unfulfilled in any way in your relationship that would be possibly leading her to potentially flirt with other people or seek something….
Some people like to flirt and act as if they can’t help it because the one thing their partner can’t give them “something new” so at least see if you can get her to admit that she finds herself saying inappropriate things that would be disloyal and hurtful to you if you had seen them.
That being said, I don’t think you need to necessarily ask her to show you all of her comments or snap because having these really hard conversations should hopefully lead you to a good place. Best of luck.xx
While she may not have cheated, the trust in your relationship is broken. If you didn’t have kids, I would say this warrants a divorce. It’s quite hypocritical of her to put this standard on you and to refuse you like that. Would her family defend her actions? If so, you know what’s going on.
I hate to say it, because youre married with children, but this doesnt sound great man. Sounds like the classic “she doesnt trust you, because shes untrustworthy” deal. I have never looked, asked, or felt the need to look at my girls phone, Ive been cheated on before and I know the signs and gut feelings, and if youre having gut feelings you might be fucked…I dont know the answer here but I know she would have shown you if it was all clear and as you stated, you cant go back to not knowing now, she deleted her shit whatever it was and you cant trust her now. Sorry youre dealing with this shit man, I divorced in 2018 at age 27 and it was the best move i could make, bvut we had no children.
Dont be her gatekeeper, dont be that guy. But do let her know that shes broken your trust and her own boundaries. Tell her exactly this. She deleted the messages because they where incriminating. Maybe there was direct cheating going on, maybe it was just talk. But the asshole was in fact truthful here. She did have his snap, she had been messaging, she ran away to delete it all. Thats a massive red flag. If it where you what would she do what would she think?
Your wife is a hypocrite. Why you would have accepted this: If someone adds me I screenshot it and check with her if she knows them/her as an adult who should have the capacity to decide if you are friends with whomever you want is a whole other problem
NTA but you’ve got a big problem.
NTA
Dump her.
She’s hiding something and he’s afraid he’ll lose his side ass.
Ummmm well feck…. Yeah bro she was definitely up to no good. If you want to make excuses for her then by all means do what you gotta do, but she has definitely been cheating on some level on you with him, guaranteed.
The saying no is real suspect. Not saying she’s cheating but clearly there was something on there she didn’t want you to see. Keep pressing and don’t let her gaslight you. Even if she didn’t tell you she added him is one thing but to not show you her snap is def shady as shit. Who knows there’s probably an entire list of other dudes on there if we’re being honest.
Updateme
NTA. She 100% is being shady at best and maybe cheating at worst. Snap is a shady app and she has clearly shown you that she can’t be trusted to use it in good faith so she should have to delete her account in front of you and not use it again. I also would be doing random checks that she should comply with. If that isn’t going to happen to restore trust then I would divorce her so you aren’t constantly looking over your shoulder. I think it’s more likely that they were snapping a bit too much and maybe inappropriately and he only backtracked when she confronted him after you left.
They are playing you like a fiddle and you still can’t admit it to yourself.
You want people to tell you this here, but you don’t want to hear this, because the consequences are too harsh.
Yeah. You got played by her.
ESH!!!
Sorry to be this person but I think you allowing her to create wackadoodle / MASSIVELY CONTROLLING behaviors dressed up in the form of “boundaries” and other therapy speak is really an issue. You’re a grown ass man!! She’s a grown ass woman like adults in a healthy TRUSTING adult relationships do not feel the need to perform such theatrics. Especially at your ages like BFFR.
I’m 33 and I’m cringing reading that whole thing. I deleted snap chat when I was like 25. It’s WELL KNOWN for being used as a sex/ hook up app now. And has been like that since probably 2014/2015. People our age use Instagram and Facebook for “close friends” just sending “nail pics and kiddos” like again, BFFR. What a joke. Then hides in the bathroom and refuses to let you see wtf she has going on. But it’s all super innocuous. Again. BFFR!!!!!!!!!!
Like I’ve never had a dude send me bs and ASK ME if it’s ok to follow back etc and id laugh my ass off before breaking up with someone who would ever be dumb enough to ask me to do some wild shit like that. Never. It SCREAMMMSSSSSSSSSSSSSS toxic and unhealed. If she’s that massively insecure bro where she’s checking your phone etc WHILE UR UNCONSCIOUS— this isn’t someone who should be in an adult relationship let alone have kids etc like she needs to be in therapy like years ago. That would maybe be normal behavior for a 16 year old insecure girl. Not someone who isn’t still in high school.
35 w a Snapchat, to me, is a massive red flag. Douchey f boy who drinks a lot and is flirty?? Yeah. I just bet everything they did on an app known for shenanigans was super kid friendly. That’s I guess why they’re not doing it on IG/FB like everyoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee else our age.
Sorry you’re going through this dude. She needs therapy. And she sounds absolutely insane and you shouldn’t be punished for some other dudes mistakes. I tell this to all my dude friends who get with these annoying insecure girls, like anyone who is that insecure probably shouldn’t be in a relationship bc they’re not mature enough to understand people of opposite sexes can absolutely be platonic friends and it’s not weird. Not everyone needs to be part of their paranoia. And tracking under the guise of “safety” is another red flag. No one I know in their 60/70s married for the past 30+ years does that shit. I wonder why. Maybe bc they have this wild thing called TRUST.
NTA,
She started the whole boundaries game and then has snap chats. The whole premise of that app is to be able to hide things.
That was shady.
She’s cheating—Has cheated and continues to do so. That’s why she checks your phone. She projecting her guilt.
Her excuse for deleting the chats is dumb and insulting.
NTA. she is. The other guy is.
NTA
Sounds very much like she made the guy claim it was all a prank or whatnot. If she goes through your phone all the time, it means she’s looking for evidence like she has, because she’s clearly cheating. Sorry, dude.
She plans to let him rail her, bro. Lawyer up.
He said “huh you know umm I think she wants it”? That’s the most incriminating part.. like he wouldn’t say that unless there was something flirty going on in the snaps. Or at least a high frequency of her sending messages to him directly, which would mean to me that she’s at least thinking about him regularly. Still sketchy. Still wrong for a married woman.
Family. Therapy. Not. Reddit.
She knows he’s a “bad boy” and it kinda turns her on. Red flags with that behavior buddy. Absolutely do the random ask. Wait like 30 days or so for it to blow over. Be cool as a pickle. Then do the random ask. If she pulls the same shit then separate from her. Maybe it’s the wake up call she needs.
She’s a walking red flag. She makes you check your social media to make sure it’s people you know and you need her approval. Meanwhile, she’s probably been cheating on you through the entire relationship. She is not being reciprocal and is definitely hiding something (an affair). If I were you, I would leave her. She’s lying about something, probably many things. It’s usually the person cheating that accuses the other.
NTA If she had nothing to hide, she would have shown it to you. And she definitely went and deleted it all and probably told the dude to lie to cover for her, especially if that’s her affair partner or it’s headed that way. Are you close with the dude? You could always ask to see his phone right in front of her. I don’t know, man. She has all these boundaries and expectations of you (screenshotting new friends for her approval), but then doesn’t give you the same courtesy. Trust your gut. If you feel like something is off … it likely is.
Clearly she was trying to cheat with him, and very possibly was already cheating with other men.
If the guy had been “joking” about your wife texting him, and trying to sleep with him, she could have called his bluff and disproven it in seconds. All she had to do was hand you her phone. She refused — 30 times you said. And then she left to delete the incriminating evidence.
Later, the guy denied everything, said he was joking, etc. Clearly your wife talked to him to get their stories straight. Now that your wife deleted the proof (and probably had him delete things on his phone too), he could deny it as a bad joke.
The big unknown is if this was a one-off or not. Was she just flirting with this guy, or is he just one of others.
The fact that she refused to let you see her phone suggests there was something worse on it, besides his allegations. Or at least, that’s a safe, rebuttable assumption. But she made sure to destroy any possible exonerating evidence.
Trust your gut feeling, she’s the AH here.
I think she’s for the streets, sorry bro.
NTA, that’s a gut punch, and while I get wanting reassurance, it’s your right to protect your heart, even if it means facing some hard truths, so, maybe consider a subtle chat with a trusted friend or therapist to help you navigate this, because confronting it alone feels overwhelming.
Shady Ol’ Lady
Innocent people with nothing to hide will hand over their phone to prove so.
She didn’t.
I’ll update tomorrow 😳
that rule is stupid to begin with.
>
She’s made boundaries since day 1 of not having people on social media that would make the other uncomfortable
oh, well, the typical double standard. I think your marriage isn’t the one you think it was. Sit her down, and let her delete social media. Easy as that.
There’s something shady going on. Trust is gone and she doesn’t intend to get it back. That are more red flags than the communist party in China has.
UpdateMe!
You can retrieve the messages! Google downloading snap data
She definitely deleted bad stuff, sorry dude
Her moto rules for thee or for me . I know you have a child . Go see a lawyer . Tell her you’re going to see a divorce lawyer . Maybe a tech guys can tell you if you can retrieve deleted snap messages
NTA she definitely had something shady on there even if it wasn’t the dude. Some people really get caught up on attention they receive on social media even if it is sexual.
BALLGAME
This is over
And I advise you to you to get rid of social media altogether.
Social media has killed relationships
She is definitely hiding something setting the boundaries but not following them refusing to let you see her phone but is constantly checking yours and even going through it while you’re asleep she is definitely hiding something it’s kind of like that situation where one person is constantly accusing the other of cheating but in reality the one accusing is the one who’s actually doing it
You can pull snapchat history fyi.
Asking to see her phone now probably won’t do anything cuz she’s gonna be a lot more careful to delete everything now. She’s definitely lying, when you asked to see her phone you were already aware of the fact that she had added him so her reasoning makes zero sense. My guess is they’ve been exchanging lots of flirty messages, sexy pics and so on and I’m sure he’s not the only one she’s sexting. She set a boundary for you to follow that she herself is unwilling to follow, that’s not a boundary at all but controlling your behavior while she’s free to do whatever she wants. This doesn’t sound like a healthy dynamic at all, she sounds like a narc tbh. She’s definitely a huge asshole. You can put up with it if you want but I wouldn’t recommend it. NTAH
If anyone says “my GF wants it”, is going to get a big whack even of they were joking about it.
Your wife did not chuck him out even after he said that means she really wants it. I would not trust any woman who reacts zero to such a statement from a guy.
The fact that you guys have that social media policy is already a red flag in the 1st place. It’s clear that you don’t trust each other. I couldn’t care less who my gf adds on snap or social media.
Go through her phone while she’s asleep. Wait about a week or two, tho before you do it.
She goes through your phone, fair is fair.
Adults using snapcheat at 35+ is usually a problem.
Talk with her, tell her that you feel she has a double standard and if something like that happens again you’re going to seriously reconsider her commitment to the marriage. In a marriage you cannot have the attitude of ‘rules for thee but not for me.’
Updateme!
god what a miserable life to live honestly.
Update me
weird to me you have to send a screen shot of every friend request and she wont even show you her account? We must remember that every thing we demand from our partner we have to demand of ourselves
! updateme
People who are doing shady stuff like your wife are always looking for signs shady stuff is being done to them. Your wife sadly can’t be trusted. She’s just going to be better at deleting things now. You sadly lost your opportunity.
and ALWAYS trust your gut (make sure its not a spike of anxiety and insecurities… we all do it… but if its DEEP in your gut, its usually true)
Be for real. You don’t think anything bad was sent then why are you so desperate to see? You know she cheated. Deep down you know but you want the actual proof to confirm what you already know. Would say this marriage is over. You don’t trust her and now that she knows that she is gonna get better at hiding it. How long can you go breaking your head wondering who she talks to or what is being sent? Just divorced at this rate. Who wants to stay in limbo land wondering if she cheated or not. She don’t respect you. He said all that because it’s true. Drunks always tend to say what’s on their minds and it always tends to be true.
Updateme
Updateme!
ESH – You are being gaslighted. She more than likely confronted the other guy for starting issues and he’s trying to back track. The fact that you’re around a guy who has zero respect for your relationship and that your wife is communicating with him on a app that deletes correspondence is wild.
30 times she said no to you looking at her Snap. But you immediately show her yours. You know damn well she’s cheating. But your in that sunken cost fallacy mind frame.
You adopted her kids. So you don’t think you can leave them behind. Don’t be naive. She’s cheating. I’m sure the kids have seen him at your house while you weren’t there. You can ask them if they uncle so and so. Because they always introduce the other guy as “uncle” so and so.
That’s what my mom used to do.
Why tf are y’all married and have Snapchat? The “boundaries” should have started at NO SNAPCHAT
She cheated 💯and told the guy to lie about it like a joke
Time to talk to an attorney
First, you need to beat the brakes off the jackoff fckboy stirring shit up.
Second, you KNOW she was hiding something, and now you get the privilege of wondering exactly what it was. Was it that bad? Was it no big deal? You’ll never know because she deleted it.
Trust is gone amigo
She’s getting railed by more than just that dude and he came back later because she fed him a bunch of lines to tell you
Your wife is a liar
Woot Woot Warning Warning
This behavior between people in their 40s/30s is totally immature. If she’s going to cheat she’s going to cheat (& vise versa). It always comes out in the end. I’d say y’all are BTA 🤷♂️
Dump her
updateme
You’re a fool for staying. It’s only going to get worse.
WTF!! My guess is she has been playing you. If you don’t think that is the case demand 100% access to all of her online accounts/phone going forward. I personally would install a spy app before I could go forward. Do you really want to be “that guy”. The cuck that takes care of some other man’s kids while his wife continues to go out and screw around?
She’s.
Cheating.
On you.
Chillax. You are way too involved in your wife’s personal life. Give her the freedom she wants. Tell her you want to hear about it.
The ones insecure and worried about their partners cheating are usually the ones prone to doing it.
You both have an established boundary of trust but when you asked to verify for your own security she unilaterally decided it isn’t within the purview of your authority but it is hers when she is insecure.
You know she went into the bathroom to delete messages
You know that man only “confessed” because she had a talk with him
What you don’t know is he was lying about the other man’s wife.
Your wife is being shady and disrespecting you and the boundaries she herself established.
Don’t let yourself be disrespected
The boundaries she put are based on her behavior. She is projecting that onto you, thinking it’s an everyone does it type of thing.
She is legit making sure she screens people and you’re not feeling like you can ask for the same. That’s an even worse red flag, she has you manipulated that it would be offensive for you to request what she is literally asking of you.
He is not the only guy. She did not just go to the bathroom to delete she went to message him to stfu.
She is likely feeling like she does not have it anymore and needs some vain validation at minimum, at most she is looking for escape. Or she flat out does not respect you and has a desire for control in the relationship.
The guy annoying as he may be is likely cynical about people in relationships and sees the bs. If he is an F boy, typically they have the sense to look at the little hypocrisies of relationships, are fragile and are in a way protecting themselves and “looking out” for other men because to him it is like no woman is ever going to do that to me and I have to tell them the truth. The fact that he is uncontrollable is exactly why your wife is into him. The reason you dislike him is because you have been conditioned that aspirational sentiments are reality when there are so many nuances and because you are aligning to your wife’s structures control manipulation that it upset you that a guy who doesn’t have to do any of that is still getting that attention from her when she makes you follow her rules. Which are implicit in a relationship anyway it is about the bond and connection you build, not the rules you break and keep reward and punishment system, that is initializing adult needs and relationships.
I think therapy because you wont leave her and you seem to be making the messenger or truth teller the villain, when he is out in the open saying it all to you and your wife is the evasive one running to the bathroom and lying to you. So maybe that guy didn’t even do anything with her just followed along and felt great about the fact that he is not married and wanted to warn you.
And guess what he was right he was looking out for you.
I’m going to be honest with you, it’s kind of my thing. Honesty. Truth. Trust. Respect. Please click on the link at the bottom and read the whole thing. Whether you’re religious or not, this is a perfect explanation of what love should be. Share it with your wife and discuss it.
I was in relationships like yours. Where we would both give “boundaries”, get jealous, argue, all the fun stuff. It sucked. I found out my ex wife was cheating on me and I almost did some really dumb shit. Thank God my brother talked me out of it. He said this to me. If she’s cheating on you and you don’t know, does it really matter? Think carefully about that. It’s tricky. You want to say yes it matters, right? Well yeah it does if and when you find out. But remember, YOU DONT KNOW. So really, it doesn’t matter. Again, you don’t know. If you think she’s cheating and you blame her and get mad but she’s not, guess what, sue just might now. It’s the, if you’re gonna blame me anyway, I might as well do it thing. Plus if you think she’s cheating, you’re just going to drive yourself crazy. Now answer this question my brother asked me. If she’s cheating on you and you find out, do you really want to stay with her? You’d have to be able to forgive her, not bring it up all the time, and trust her again to make the relationship work. Could you do that? I know these questions arent easy but try to answer them honestly to yourself. It’s hard to trust a cheater again. It’s almost impossible to not bring it up as soon as things get heated. My brothers point was if she’s cheating and you find out, say thank you and bounce. Love is gentle and kind. Love doesn’t Fugging cheat!!!! Do you have kids with her? That makes a big difference. I have a daughter. My ex cheated on me, lied, manipulated, mentally abused, and ripped my world away from me. Be careful. Be smart. Be fair. Trust until you have concrete proof that you can’t. Don’t accuse without proof. And check this out, don’t give boundaries and ultimatums. That leads nowhere good. A marriage should be built on love, honesty, trust, respect, FRIENDSHIP, care, service and sacrifice. Build each other up daily. Never tear down. This is corny but true. Relationships are like cars. They need maintenance and work.. A car won’t run forever without oil changes, checking tire pressure, some tlc, service, etc. Relationships are the exact same. They need work and tlc. Never stop working on your relationship. I will never let jealousy control me or my emotions again. Jealousy is painful. The uncertainty, anger, fear, sadness, arguing. It’s horrible. Try to kick that green monster out of your head, heart and life. You can’t control her and she can’t control you. You can push each other away though. And you will if jealousy persists. Trust me. Get rid of jealousy and see how good you feel and how much easier it is to breathe and live. She might cheat. Okay. If she does and you have proof, deal with it then. Forgive, go to counseling, or break up, find somebody you can trust. Don’t let your emotions control you. Control your emotions. That’s my mantra these days. Learn to control your emotions and you’ll see everything differently. You need to talk with her. You guys need to figure a lot out. You’re. It sounds like you’re both maybe being assholes to a certain extent. Like I said, I know. I lived it. Jealousy hurts everybody involved but when yourself the jealous person,you’re hurting yourself most of all. When both are jealous, it’s just a vicious circle. That guy who was talking crap wouldn’t like me. He wouldn’t like me if I was you or just your friend. Either way, he and I would’ve had a serious discussion. Stay away from that guy. He’s the major asshole in this story. Prick!! You might be right about your wife. Her actions were pretty shady. But what do you get if you stay mad and keep accusing her? Nothing good. Nothing happy. I know it sucks man. But let it go or leave. Or go to counseling if you really love her and want it to work. Learn to trust each other. I hope this helped. I know the pain you feel. The pain and anger and depression you both probably feel. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Please share this and Corinthians with your wife. Be honest and truthful about how you feel and what you want. Good luck man. God bless you and your wife.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%2013&version=NIV
You want me to tell you that this is nothing. That you’re overreacting. That your relationship isn’t over.
Sorry man
Sounds a lot like the last chick I dated. She would delay cover her tracks and admit to the minimum. I dumped her.
She had no integrity. She started hitting me up while she had a bf. Came to find out she’d always have backup/orbiters as “friends.”
Don’t let her bullshit or gaslight you. Shit is shady, she should be forthcoming and talking about it. If she shuts it down then you know why.
Your gut’s telling you what you haven’t developed proof of.
You don’t need proof.
if she didn’t want you to see and likely delete shit then you know it was bad. I wouldn’t trust her at this point. She doing something shady.
Updateme
There IS something. Her not showing you AND disappearing to delete everything tells u that. She’ll likely he smarter about her phone now.
Why do adults even have Snapchat!? Red flag that any 30+ has Snapchat 🤷
She knows she in the wrong. she didn’t hold herself to the standard and maybe she did more than that but either way she’s wrong and she knows it.
Go home pop a bluey and exhaust your wife a few rounds until she passes out then send some snaps of the aftermath to the other guy to show him what’s up and who’s the alpha male 🙂
You screwed up. You should have asked the a-hole to see his snap since she deleted her.
You sound 15.
You played yourself. She told you to go fuck yourself, deleted all the sketchy shit she did and you knew it and just took it. You’re still taking it and now you’ll never know because she’s sketchy and would never be honest.
That’s the life you built for yourself. You ok with that??
Question: why does a 30 yr old married woman need Snapchat? That whole app is shady.
There is and she is manipulating you.