A little background: after I finished high school, I moved to a different city to attend college. While there, I found a beautiful apartment for rent. I moved in and have been living there ever since.
About four months ago, a friend—who’s in the same program as me—asked if she could stay with me four days out of the week so she wouldn’t have to drive back and forth since she lives at home about hour and a half away. I agreed, and everything was fine at first.
Mind you, my friend hasn’t contributed to groceries (she buys some yogurts for herself but uses my bread, butter, and cooks with my ingredients), nor has she helped with the water bill, electricity, TV, or anything else, doesnt vacuem or do any chores, but isnt messy in any means at least and I didnt really have a problem with that until yesterday.
Yesterday, she went grocery shopping (only for herself), and while she was at it, she also bought some toilet paper. I saw she bought a cheese I love and asked her, if I could take a piece. She said yes. That evening, she asked me to pay her half of the cost for the cheese AND half of the cost of the toilet paper, because “we’re both going to use it and she’s a broke student.”
That made me furious. So, I sat down, calculated everything—what she’s eaten, her share of the utilities, etc.—over the past four months, and handed her the bill. I told her to either pay it or move out since we are now splitting evertything down the middle.
Now she’s upset because she doesn’t have the money—which I’m very aware of since she refuses to find a job, because it pays too little, its time consuming and she doesnt need it. But the thing is, I also am broke student yet I’m juggling work and studies while also, for the past 4 months, financially supporting her.
Comments
Definitely time for an honest conversation and setting fair expectations if you are going to continue this arrangement going forward.
Rather than a tit-for-tat or adding insult to injury or whatever phrase or metaphor works here… it would have been better to just have an adult conversation when she mentioned you paying her for anything.
Even better would have been to have a chat about the situation before she started staying at your place most of the week.
You’re not the A-hole, she is, however the way you handled it wasn’t right either.
Not an A-hole, but you let it go on too long. Handing her a bill for four months is ahole’ish but so are the things she is doing. Talk with her, negotiate terms. If you value the friendship be willing to write off some of the last four months, but if she refuses to pay any then, maybe she is not your friend. I was in a similar situation, the person refused to pay any of her costs. She is now an attorney for an Oil sands company. I learned a lesson.
You learned a valuable lesson: beggars will try to be choosers, but it doesn’t mean you need to let beggars in 😜
Really, it’s confusing that your friend expects you to foot the bill after essentially freeloading for months, I guess some people just think money grows on trees, which is a ridiculous notion, and honestly, it’s a good reminder to set boundaries, because, you know, sometimes you have to draw a line, and I should probably tell my daughter to do so too, she’s always begging for new video games.
Yeah. You can’t really expect her to pay for what she’s consumed already, but you aren’t wrong for showing her what her cost to you is. Make sure you compliment / acknowledge what she’s doing right though, and how those traits could be expanded. There’s a big difference between “run the vacuum now and then” and “be my house servant”. There is something to be said for being neat, and helping to maintain order. You should both do some ‘expectation management’. She should at the very least help HOW she can. When I was a roommate, we posted the bills in a common area, so everyone understood what long showers and crazy HVaC settings caused. We also had our own individual food shelves, as well as “common / house” shelves
So this is a good learning for both of you. Asking you to stay is not the same as asking you to support her.
And what kind of person just uses all your stuff without even offering some cash or something… I’d call her a mooch and ask her to leave. If she didn’t even think of the impact she’s having on you she is not a good person.
This kind of person will always be a user. You probably should just ask her to leave. She is the kind of person that minimizes what everyone does for her and maximizes what she does. The cheese and toilet paper were big deals but the 4 months she has lived for free in your home eating your food- that’s nothing. This won’t get better- she has shown you who she is- I would show her the door.
I hope OP’s friend isn’t having mail sent to OP’s apartment, because said friend might be considered a tenant and may have to be evicted. Hopefully I’m wrong.
NTA but I think you are learning a valuable lesson on communication. All of this should have been agreed upon from the very beginning. Does she have any mail coming to your house in her name? If so then she established residency and it could be harder to get her out. If you haven’t already send her a text like the below:
Dear broke student,
Unfortunately from x date going forward I am unable to let you crash at my apartment while you go to school. Financially I am unable to support both of us. Please make sure any of the belongings you may have left are removed and return my keys.
Thanks,
Another broke college student.
Why didn’t you figure all this out before she moved in? I know it’s only 4 days a week but proper expectations. I wouldn’t bill her retroactively but I would say moving forward she has to pay as a fair compromise.
NTA……for the most part but you should of set clear expectations from the start. Your friend is a little sleezy IMO. Obviously you’ve been helping her out and she turns around and start nickel and diming you smh.
I probably would have paid her the half she asked for and kicked her out immediately.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!!!
You want her to move out. She’s been mooching off of you for months and has the audacity to ask you for money after you asked for her cheese! You didn’t just take it as payment for everything. You still asked permission.
This is the easiest way to get rid of her.
Always have an agreement about finances before someone moves in. You’re not the AH, but you should have spoken up much sooner rather than let it build up.
You put up with this for four months without suggesting that she contribute? Without handing her a tea towel or showing her where the vacuum lives? You’re way more polite than I would’ve been.
Nah, one of my wife’s friend stayed with us for a bit. She paid rent and split the bills.
She brought her cats over and never took care of them. We fed them, cleaned up after them, Ect… They caused a flea infestation in our house, to which she didn’t really do anything to help. Could’ve contained it if she gave them treatment and bathe them when the first sign showed up but she didn’t.
She didn’t know how to deal with it and expected us to help while my wife and I are working full time (she works two jobs and I run a 70 hour shift weekly). Her friend was let go due to poor performanfe and stayed in our home everyday.
Two weeks later, it was a full on outbreak. Our dogs got affected, but luckily wasn’t bad as they lived downstairs and the cats were on another floor. Got affected none the less. Instead of helping, she went to Glasgow to see the guy she was screwing. Got stuck there and can’t afford a train ticket back to our home.
I sent her the vet bills for our pet and a full decontamination from a professional. One of her cat also damaged my laptop screen which is now unusable. Her bill at the end was about £2,100. Luckily, she paid all of it.
This lasted way too long. 4 days out of the week IS MAJORITY of the week. A conversation should have been had before this arrangement started bc she is now living there more than half the time. Bills and groceries etc should have been split the moment you both agreed to the new living situation.
Good thing for sticking up for yourself but let this be a lesson to really set boundaries with people. You aren’t in the wrong but definitely communicate how arrangements are going to work from here on out and don’t assume someone always has your best interests at heart when you have theirs.
Don’t let her stay with you anymore and definitely don’t let a friend move in without an agreed arrangement that will benefit both of you in the future.
I thought you were the a-hole at first for not discussing expectations ahead of time and then asking her for money afterwards, but her asking you to pay for half the cheese and toilet paper? Wow. That’s bold and I can’t imagine how she justifies that to herself, broke college student or not. That shows zero appreciation for your hospitality and zero perspective and responsibility on her part.
I can’t believe that she asked you for money after staying at your place for free and eating your food for free.
The fact that she never offered to compensate you is also messed up. It’s time for her to go. Make it clear to her what she did wrong.
No, you’re not the a-hole. You were generous for months, and she crossed a line by asking you to split small costs while ignoring her own much bigger share. You’re just asking for fairness.
Not quite the AH, but handing her a bill out of retaliation is a bit harsh. She’s been freeloading and refuses to work at least a few hours per week to help you out. And I also wonder what’s up with her parents? They know she’s staying somewhere for 4 days out of the week and they don’t even give her $100 here and there to give to you? If my kid is staying somewhere for free, I’m going to look into how I can help out. Maybe entitled parents create entitled kids.
Your friend sounds spoiled and entitled. You did her a huge favor by giving her a reality check
She sure made that cheese expensive
That’s not a friend, that’s a leech. Kick her ass to the curb.
NTA! She doesn’t contribute but asks you for half of the cheese and toilet paper? After she pays you, tell her to find another place to stay.
Everytime i see a post like this people are always trying to put the op in the wrong.Asking why wasn’t this said up front
Its because op was trying to be a good person intil her entitled leeching friend got petty.Like how tf is someone suppose to pay her back for a piece of cheese?and usage of toliet paper.op this is what you do”buy some cheese,cut off a pieve and get tje toliet and take some squares off and give it to her.than put her entitled ass out.
Definitely not the AH. I’m happy you stood up for yourself. Classic F around and find out. I can’t wait to read updates.
Start charging her 50% from now on rather than for the last four months. Her making you pay for cheese and bogroll is pretty af xonsidering she’s been getting away with it for so long. She changed the terms.. she obviously aint gonna be able to pay for the last four months, but you can start splitting it down the middle from now on a week by week basis, or she moves out
It’s hard to find out a friend is a user. I recently did too. He expected me to pay for everything since he thought he was doing me a favor. That 6 day stay costs me $2500. And he never thanked me. So no more freebies. Lesson learned.
Well, this sounds like something you should have mentioned at the start or way earlier
You need to have a conversation about expectations of payment of rent/utilities/etc before a person moves in or, as soon as possible after (like, within the first 24 hours). Not four months later.
>That evening, she asked me to pay her half of the cost for the cheese AND half of the cost of the toilet paper, because “we’re both going to use it and she’s a broke student.”
You could have/should have pointed out “you’ve been living with me rent free for the last four months. Should I tally up how much money you theoretically owe me and deduct the cost of the cheese and toilet paper from that?”
I don’t think you’re an asshole for expecting her to contribute to bills, but I do think it should have been a conversation between two adults to work out an equitable and agreeable distribution of cost. The way you went about it (post hoc adding up debts incurred that were never agreed to) comes across as childish.
I know this isn’t the sub but NTA. You were doing her a favor by not charging her. She hasn’t contributed a thing for 4 months. You gave up your privacy for her and now she thinks you owe her 1/2 for some cheese and TP? Let her drive and enjoy your solitude. Kick the leach out.
You’ve only been an AH to yourself for allowing yourself to be used like this and putting up with it for so long. Your “friend” is both a leech and entitled beyond belief. She is likely badmouthing you behind your back too. Do yourself a favour and release her from your home and your life.
You handled that badly. Hey, but you are young, and you live and learn.
Now, if you are withholding info about having feelings for her, or that she is a hot stripper, or stuff like that….
Look, if SHE were a dude, I am pretty damn sure you would have brought ALL of this $$$ stuff up RIGHT from the start.
I say sit down for a LONG talk and negotiate a FAIR plan for going forward, and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you will HOLD HER TO IT. If she cannot agree to that, then she should set in motion plans to move out ASAP.
DO NOT let people get over on you. It can go VERY badly. This sort of thing escalates into violence and chaos fast. Ex boyfriends show up. NEW boyfriends show up. Waking up to strangers on your couch. I know many guys who ended up in jail thanks to female “roommates”. Now hopefully, she is more civilized than these ticking time bomb, flying car crash girls I once knew. Make her prove it, or leave. Lurking around being passive aggressive and disrespecting you while she literally lives off of you, is a recipe for HIGH DRAMA in the future.
Nip it in the bud.
“she refuses to find a job, because it pays too little, its time consuming and she doesnt need it.” Umm, the does need it to pay for her living expenses. Your friends logic bone is broken and needs a reset from the opinion of the internet. She has taken advantage of your good nature for far too long. End it now with true expense sharing or she should move out.
Kick her out and buy yourself some more cheese for the stress.
She needs to learn some responsibility, you’re enabling her otherwise.
I love this for you. Exactly how an entitled free loader should be dealt with 🫱🏽🫲🏾👏🏽
Anyone who asks me if they can crash at my house for “a few weeks” will be met with this response: NO.
Well I wouldn’t expect her to pay anything because this wasn’t previously discussed and agreed upon. But she also definitely took advantage of you.
She took advantage of you right from the beginning. I would’ve offered my share of the rent when I ask a friend if I could stay at their place. 4 days out of a week is a lot. To be so petty as to ask you to pay for part of the cost of the food she bought is just mind boggling. She’s basically living rent free with you. That’s an awful friend.
Good move.
Now I feel even worse
Astonishing. Good for you for taking a stand, although I can’t imagine sharing space with someone once something like this has happened.
In the early days of dating my wife, her now-ex bestie had a breakup and crashed at wifey’s place while we were travelling.
She stayed there for about five months. Ran the aricon non-stop, didn’t contribute a dime towards the utilities (or the mortgage, just to be clear). The place was a mess when we came back.
Wifey got an discount offer on some contact lenses from her local store and asked said friend to grab some for her. She did so – but asked her for the $80 bucks it cost her to to be handed over asap as well because you know, money.
People are weird.
I agree that she. Could be paying half of everything. Lol of course she would agree to contribute to groceries and chores; she is getting the deal of her life.
You got a wake up call when she asked for money for the cheese. She got a wake up call, too, but not enough of one. She should pony up now for the costs she has incurred at your place.
I think now that you drew a line in the sand she will take full advantage of the other free amenities she has been enjoying. I would seriously tell her she is out in 30 days (or whatever feels right). What a sweet deal, especially if you are a starving student, too!!!
NTA