Hi I am super upset and I cannot think objectively. My daughter (20f) is on active duty for less than a year. She is stationed 600 miles away.
About six months ago she began dating another sailor. She was pretty secretive about it and some things began bothering me. She lied and said she wasn’t dating anyone while she was with him. Then it seemed like he was always around and listening on our conversations so I confronted her on the phone and she admitted it.
I work with domestic abuse victims so I feel like I have a lot of insight. I began noticing things that had me concerned. She brushed me off and said things were great. I have her several talks that I’m sure he was listening in on about being wary of insecure and controlling men.
She came home for a visit and while she was here she was super stressed and arguing on the phone quite a bit. She went to the high school graduation of some of her best friends. Apparently the boyfriend ( I’ll call him C) decided that her friends were a bad influence on her and forbade her to see some of them. Her friends are great young ladies.
She was miserable and I confronted her. She admitted he was super controlling. He was supposed to fly down and drive back with her tr car she just bought but she was crying and so upset. I told her to tell him not to come and I would drive her back. I had to rearrange some things and take off from work.
C was livid. I heard him on the phone with her. She tried to break up with him and he told her it was unacceptable. I finally got on the phone and told him he needed to take “no’ for an answer and give her space. He was disrespectful to me on the phone telling me I wasn’t a good Christian women or I would want her to be with him.
Some of her girlfriends reached out to me and told me that he had been really abusive to my daughter. One of her girlfriends have taken pictures of the messages she had seen on my daughter’s phone. C had called her a wh*re b ecause she posted a video of herself with a new haircut. He was calling her names and I told her if she ever left him and tried to see any other guys he would kill any guy she tried to see.
After serious talks with my daughter she admitted that he was pretty verbally abusive. He forced her to give him all the past codes to her phone so he could check on her and make sure she wasn’t cheating on him etc. I ended up driving her back to her base and we talked. She promised me she would not see him anymore and would not weaken.
A few days later after I drove back home I learned she was seeing him again. I was so mad and we had quite the argument over it. She said that she had to go back with them because he kept gas-lighting her and it was an embarrassing situation because they work together. Then she finally admitted that he had threatened to kill both her and him if she didn’t go back to him.
That was it for me. I went full proactive. I spent all night on the phone until I tracked down the officers on duty and the MPs. They got to protective order issued against him. I followed up with my daughter’s commander and he spoke with both of them and gave them an order of no contact. She again promised me that she would not violate it and that she would have nothing to do with him.
That was about 2 months ago. Since then we have been back to visit her as a family and spent a week on her base. She has also come home for a week during the 4th of July.
She’s been acting a little weird lately and I have not been talking to her much because I sense she has been lying to me again. I thought she was seeing another guy and didn’t want to tell me about it so I gave her some space.
Tonight on the phone she tells me that she has been dating C again for over a month. This includes the time that she was back here and the time that we were up there visiting. She’s been lying to us for over a month.
I flipped out on her like she has never seen. After all the talking we had done about this. All the articles I had made her read about watching for controlling behaviors and signs of abusive partners etc.
I can’t remember when I’ve been so angry. She gave me all the excuses that he’s changed and he’s not the same person that he was 2 months ago etc. On top of the sheer stupidity of her returning to him is the repeated lies. I am so angry. I told her Dad to call her and when she told him the news, he flipped out in the same manner.
I told her I needed to go no contact with her for a bit because I can’t deal with this life that she has chosen. I have raised my daughters to be confident and independent. It’s as if she’s getting some sort of thrill by dating the kind of guy that her dad and I have always been vehemently opposed to. I told her that her boyfriend should be pretty happy because he will try to pull her away from her family anyway and say that we are bad influence.
I told her not to call me and not to plan on coming back and visit while she is still with him. And I further told her that she’s not allowed to talk to her 11-year-old sister. She was really upset by this but I told her that she’s been lying to everyone and her sister knows that this guy threatened to kill her. I don’t want her giving my 11-year-old the impression that this is what relationships are supposed to be like.
I don’t know if I went too far in cutting her off from her sister. She thinks I am just punishing her but 11 is such a difficult age with my daughter starting middle school. I swear I don’t need her being a bad influence.
I love my daughter so much and I’m grieving her bad choices but I don’t know what else to do.
Am I the AH for cutting her off?
Comments
Dude, 100% NTA. Seriously, tough love’s the move here. It sucks, yeah, but ur protecting ur youngest and that’s vital. We gotta kill these toxic cycles, u know? Stay strong man, she’ll see the light eventually. You’re a good parent, don’t doubt that. Hang in there đź’Ş.
Nope. You did the right thing.
This is like an addiction, stay good, go back, stay good, go back. Sometimes the cut off is the only way a person can find the rock bottom truth of the situation. My only concern is for her safety if he escalates anything. She should have a plan of action or help. Maybe as her mother you can set a reserve plan up in case that were to happen, otherwise she made the bed she’s in! With age and experience comes knowledge, I fear it will take some time and hard lessons for this to get through to her the way it should. Just pray for her and remember you love her and she loves you, dv victims can’t and won’t always leave immediately or the first, second, or third time.Â
What happened to the officers, the MPS and your daughter’s commander? Sounds like they just dropped the ball and let her be threatened into submission again.
This is starting to look like one of those scenarios that we don’t want to even think about.
NAH. As someone who has worked with DV victims as you mentioned, I’m sure you know it usually takes multiple tries for a victim to leave their abuser. What would you say to your daughter if she were a victim you were helping and not your daughter? Your frustration and anger, while justified, is not going to help her actually leave him.Â
By all means take some space so you’re not directly involved while emotions are running high, and of course protect your younger daughter (although I have to ask, why does she know about the threats C made against your older daughter???), but don’t slam the door all the way, or she’ll likely wind up staying with him even longer than she might have otherwise.Â
Approaching your daughter with curiosity will probably get you farther than approaching her with condemnation.Â
You do realize on average people go back 7 times. All you’re doing is pushing her closer to that relationship.
NTA…. you need to protect your younger child and your older one is on a self destruct path that you can’t stop.
Good luck.
Yta, you work with domestic abuse victims ? Where’s the insight to your daughter’s actions?
I’m sorry I’m confused. You work with DV survivors and you think isolating her from her family so she only has her abuser in her corner is the best solution?
Personally, I have no experience with domestic abuse or necessarily controlling behavior with men, but I will say this.
You are protecting your youngest daughter which is 100% acceptable. If he is threatening to kill then that’s a serious offense. Your eldest daughter seems to be blindsided by C’s “good side” that could mean trouble. If your daughter is continuing to date him it’s understandable for what you have done.
BUT what happens if your daughter needs help? She’s cut off from you so she can’t go to you, she may be too embarrassed to continue going to friends, she’ll be vulnerable to this endless cycle. I think you should keep her within arms reach. Don’t leave her alone with your youngest daughter in case C shows up, but keep in touch. Just be there for her. She’s making irrational decisions because she’s still learning life. She’ll eventually (hopefully) snap out of it and realize he’s a no good piece of shit and skidaddle from that situation.
But for now, just be there for her in a safe way. Don’t go out of your way to go to where her and C are. Just a text or a call. Don’t push it too much to where C gets ahold of the situation. It seems he has the power to cut you out of your daughter’s life, and you don’t want your relationship to end with your daughter because of a controlling dude. You’ll regret it one day
As a mother, I understand you’re angry, but please don’t give up on her.
She has to know there was a soft landing . You can have rules for example you don’t want to have any contact with him she can talk to you but not about him. And be a be prepared she might not want to have contact with you at all.
But please take it from someone who’s been in your position don’t give up on her . Because one day when the rose into glasses comes off, she has to know there is a pair of welcoming arms.
She has to know there is a safe space for her to return to otherwise she may never leave .
I 1000% percent get where you’re coming from as I’ve dealt with this with siblings and it’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. It also hurts to be so angry at someone you love for staying or repeatedly going back. Try to remember she’s not doing this to spite you or hurt you, she’s just been sucked in the way people usually are to abusive relationships.
NAH but maybe it’s better to soften no contact a bit to low contact, or at least tell her you will always be ready to help and support her when she’s finally done with him, even if it’s been years. You could set boundaries such as she can visit but he can’t, or she can’t visit your home but you will meet her out for meals etc. Maybe not possible if he’s telling her what to do anyway but that at least makes it clear to her that he’s not letting her rather than “you’re not there for her”. For your own peace of mind if you do this I would also have the caveat that if she tries to complain to you about him “I love you and will always be here for you when you’re ready to leave, but I can’t be the person you complain to while you stay, it hurts too much”. I’ve had to do this, and it was explained to me by therapist that sometimes being the sympathetic ear is actually enabling because they’re getting their frustration out by venting, then they’ll feel validated because you agree with them, and sometimes that’s enough to take the emotional edge off so they feel better and make no changes.
But I also see what you mean about your daughter and tbh I’m not sure what the right call is there – I think that’s something that might be worth consulting a family therapist about? I’m sure you know it often takes many times to leave, are you comfortable with the idea of your youngest daughter going years without having a relationship with her sister? She’s a teen and could potentially be an adult by the time her sister is free of this dude, if at all. And also teens are tech savvy and she can probably go around you if she wants to, unless you’re going to be going through her phone and computer all the time, which is so controlling it’s a bit counterintuitive to what you’re trying to teach her.
It seems like if you work with domestic abuse victims you’d know how controlling and manipulative they are. And now C has apparently succeeded in isolating your daughter from her family – because you went no contact with her to punish her?! It doesn’t sound like she’s getting a thrill from dating this guy, it sounds like he’s undermined her self-confidence.
She is in an abusive relationship so you treat her the same way? You abandon her because you don’t like her choices and then try to emotionally blackmail and manipulate her. You hold her younger sister at the end of the stick as a reward she can only get by doing what you want. You are only pushing her closer to him since he is now the only person she has. You don’t have to like her choices in a man, but abandoning her is never ok. You are showing her that your love is conditional
NTA protecting your eleven year old is important. You can’t fix the 20 year-old, but you can protect the younger one.
You are right to cut her off from the 11 year old – but not you.
You’ve effectively isolated her from everyone but him.
I would try to get a hold of her CO again. She may be lying about the protective order and the being allowed to see each other especiallly if they had the proof he’d threatened to kill her.
As someone who was in a very abusive relationship and kept going back, I can wholeheartedly tell you that my parents ganging up on and yelling at me would certainly make things worse.
You don’t have to accept it, hell you can be vocal about not liking it, but pushing your daughter away from her family and going no contact puts her in more danger.
I personally would never do this to my children. If it were me, I’d be in contact with them more and show them that I’ll be there for them when this inevitably turns worse.
NTAH for telling your daughter she will have no contact with your younger child. I do think you should leave the door open for your older daughter for if she ever does manage to get out from under this bad guys influence.
NTA. But…
I would let her know she is loved and if she needs you, she can call. But that she is to have NC with her sister as her relationship is too toxic and volatile for an 11 year old to be involved in in any way.
YTA
What kind of person yells at a victim of abuse for being a victim of abuse.
Pretty it up all you want by saying she lied to you……… you are mad at her because she is being abused and you didn’t raise your daughter to be abused.
There’s nothing you can do but let her know that she is always welcomed to come home. She has to want to leave and when she does she will need you and your family to be there for her. Don’t put your life or your daughter’s on hold!
NTA
You are doing what you need to do to protect your 11 yr old, and your sanity. Hopefully she opens her eyes.
Updateme
NTA and going NC for the moment would most likely be the best choice for you and your family’s sake. You did your part of being a good parent, but your daughter needs to a reality check when things get worse, the way you mentioned how she had the protection order dropped is something of what would be described as a bad influence to your youngest.
There is no helping your daughter if she refuses to change. You did your part as a responsible parent, but your daughter is unfortunately gonna find out the hard way when C decides to put his hands on her in the future. Your daughter most likely lied again by saying he’s changed, but abusers don’t change.
Don’t completely shut her out. Because there is a real risk she will be in a very bad situation and is too scared to ask for help.
If he is as abusive as all that, he will be happy to keep her isolated from you.
YTA. I get it’s frustrating but you said you work with domestic abuse victims, she is SCARED
Yes, of course you are the asshole. How does cutting her off from her parents and sister help in any way? All you are doing is giving him the opportunity to break her down even more, with no support system from you.
Hello.
Mom sorry to hear about what your daughter and your family are going thru.
So… I was in the Navy. For a long time. And I reached a decent pay grade. And I went thru something similar with a boyfriend and had to get both of our chain of commands involved. Then I dated another asshole who was abusive in different ways. That relationship ended naturally. But the higher pay grade I was, you’d think I would have known better.. but. I didn’t. I didn’t involve my chain then because I thought I could handle it.
I don’t know where your daughter is on the pay scale. But, she may have one or both of these thought processes. That it’s not that bad, why is everyone upset, I love him and he can change? Or she is a 2nd or 1st class and can have her own. Because I’ve been on both sides of that scale.
It’s hard to say why someone could fall for an abuser. For me I realized I was raised by a narcissist household and would attract them as mates. I’m not saying that is what happened with your daughter. It’s one thing I learned about myself and only now that I’m in my 40’s do I understand and learned how to recognize red flags and walk away to protect myself. I hope that she can learn a lot sooner than I did. I wasted my best years in abusive men. It’s a shame to see how this happens to the best of us.
Your daughter needs therapy and the navy has them . Depending on what platform she is on, the bigger ships have shipboard psychology or she’ll go to one at the base. But nothing will change until she can get away from him. And she has to see him for what he is. And actively attempt to stay away. Block him from calls and emails. Her chain of wis going to have to get involved again. She may even have to be transferred. I dont know it really all depends on your daughter and her willingness to defend this man and not get with reality.
Until then, there isn’t much you can do than what you already have or are doing. Her boyfriend sounds totally psycho. And she is likely scared of him. And he probably stalks her when she tries to cut cords with him. That is why she would need help from her command to keep him away and not go anywhere by herself for a while.
It’s really terrible. I don’t think you’re wrong for cutting contact with her younger sister. It seems like you’re being a good mom and protecting your youngest from that kind of exposure. Because young minds absorb everything. Maybe it would be a reality check. As long and you don’t cut contact with her. At some point she may reach out to you in a moment of clarity and I’m sure you’ll be there for her.
I hope I could help at all. Contact her command Master Chief. Sometimes it’s easier to keep these kinds of matters within enlisted rank is better because she may be more inclined to open up to them than to be called into her Commanding Officers state room to explain her situation about her personal life. I can’t tell you how nerve wracking that is and she will probably not tell them anything and clam up out of fear from just standing at attention being questioned by them.
I talked to my Command Master Chief and he instantly got ahold of that shit heads Master Chief and put
a stop to the madness of him waiting for me on the pier and the stalking. Let the CMC work their magic with her and help her out of this.
All that said. She has to want to be free from him. She could easily lie to anyone and say it’s all fine.
I wish you all the best. This brought up a lot of emotions for me. I hope she finds herself and leaves that son of a bitch and gets therapy immediately so she doesn’t attract another guy just like him.
Honestly, I get why you’re losing it right now. You’ve done everything a protective parent should and it’s brutal watching someone you love get sucked back in, especially after all the lies and the literal threats. That said, totally get wanting to keep your younger daughter out of this mess at that age, they’re way too impressionable. NTA, but man, this is one of those impossible situations where nothing feels right no matter what you do.
>Â he will try to pull her away from her family
I will say, because I think it’s important – the way you’re reacting to your daughter over this (which I absolutely understand) is already driving her away from you. That’s why she’s ‘lied’ to you – probably not even through choice perse, but because she knows what you will say and doesn’t want to disappoint you or make you angry. To avoid that, she avoids the subject… So, first bit of advice, you and your husband need to chill a bit.
You daughter needs to know that you will be there for her!
>I told her not to call me and not to plan on coming back and visit while she is still with him
All this is going to achieve is drive her into his arms more – he’s clearly whittling away at her support network. You guys have pretty much done the work for him with this attitude (imo).
Frankly, I find it all the more shocking considering you started this post by saying;
>I work with domestic abuse victims so I feel like I have a lot of insight.
I would have expected a bit more understanding and compassion toward your own daughter! (It seems to me that you’re letting your emotions get too involved – I know it’s hard when something like this is happening to family/people you care about, but you must remain objective. Share your frustrations with your husband! Do not share them with your daughter.)
Because of how you’ve handled the situation I’m going to say YTA.
But I can truly understand/empathise your position…