Back story, my husband (29) (let’s call him Adam) and I (30) have been married for 4 years. Two years ago I found a text message exchange between him and a coworker, let’s call her Hannah, that we’re going on for months behind my back. At the time, they weren’t incredibly incriminating. It clearly showed a mutual friendship that could be progressing to more. I expressed my discomfort to Adam not for the friendship, but for keep it a secret. If it didn’t mean anything, why wouldn’t he tell me? He assured me that the only reason he didn’t tell me was because he knew I’d react like that. He said she was married (let’s call her husband Joe), and they were just work friends.
I asked that he limit his contact with her and be more open with me. They continued to be friends. Periodically I would remind Adam that I was uncomfortable with their friendship when she would keep popping up in all of his stories from work, but he would brush it off and assure me that I was overreacting. Well, three months ago I came home from work and he told me that he had feelings for her (not a big shocker, and don’t worry I’ve already filed for divorce). He said Hannah was separating from her husband, Joe, and she made a couple of comments to him that made him feel uncomfortable, but then made him question their connection as well. Comments like “do you think we’re too close?” “I wish I met you before I met my husband.” “I’ve always found you attractive.” Etc.
He realized he cared for her, but he wanted to tell his wife because he did not like keeping it from me. Adam assured me they were never physical, and he sobbed about how I deserved better, of course he wanted to be with me, yadda yadda. I naively said I’d work on it, and that lasted all of three weeks. Within the second week, Adam had a full breakdown questioning what it all meant. I wrote Hannah a letter which I had Adam give to her (I had no other way of reaching her) expressing that I am a real person that both of them have hurt. I said I contemplated telling her husband but I held myself back because I did not know if that would put her in harms way. He told me that she was scared I would tell her husband because she didn’t know what he would do. I said she should be.
Some time went by and I found that he was still talking with her He said he did not want to stop talking to her. I said I think he should leave for the weekend. He went to his parents house over the weekend, and there was severe weather at our house. Picture me locked in a laundry room with two dogs and two cats. Of course, Adam and I were texting. He was watching the weather and hoped we were safe.
He comes back home the next morning before work. While he was outside with the dogs I checked his phone (yes I know that was bad). I found that the prior night he was also texting Hannah. Their conversation included her saying he was so cute and asking about what they would do for their first date. He responded with a couple of suggestions for activities they could do. She loved it. Blah blah blah (again, I’m divorcing already). When I found the messages my heart sank. He came back in from outside and I told him that I wanted a divorce. I told him what I saw and that he has lost all decision making power in our relationship. It was up to me now.
Here’s where I’m not sure if I’m the asshole. I went to work and got started on handcrafting a few messages. I sent his parents a text informing him of what he was doing under their roof. I sent his brother a message that said Adam might need a place to stay. I sent Joe an email informing him of their emotional affair with as many specifics as I could remember about her specific comments, and I told him that if I found out any harm came to Hannah as a result of my message I would personally report him. I then sent Hannah a long email that acknowledged my pain, informed her that up until this morning, Adam was still telling me he would do couples counseling which was leading her on, that I reached out to her husband (I copied and pasted my message to him in my email to her), and that I did not want to hear from her.
Adam fully freaked out. He said I was compromising peoples jobs (I emailed Hannah on her work email, but like she was doing what she was doing at work so why’s she ashamed when it’s written down?), I’m blowing up everything, how could I? Etc. I got a call from his mom berating me saying that if any harm came to her son, it would be on me. She said I would have to live with myself. I simply apologized for upsetting her and blocked her number. The way I’m telling you, I didn’t even raise my voice.
I felt like telling him I would report him would deter any potential harm. I also thought that including what I sent to him in my message to her was a courtesy to prepare her for anything he might do. I also am finding it hard to take the responsibility of a potential violent act that I verbally discouraged and warned her about. I also warned them both that I was considering tell Joe not because I wanted to punish them, but just because he had a right to know. 3 of the 4 people in the situation were well aware of the inappropriate conduct, and Joe was just hanging out and hoping for a reconciliation. I’m finding it tough to believe what Adam’s mom said, but am I the asshole for messaging my husband’s mistress’ husband?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Back story, my husband (29) (let’s call him Adam) and I (30) have been married for 4 years. Two years ago I found a text message exchange between him and a coworker, let’s call her Hannah, that we’re going on for months behind my back. At the time, they weren’t incredibly incriminating. It clearly showed a mutual friendship that could be progressing to more. I expressed my discomfort to Adam not for the friendship, but for keep it a secret. If it didn’t mean anything, why wouldn’t he tell me? He assured me that the only reason he didn’t tell me was because he knew I’d react like that. He said she was married (let’s call her husband Joe), and they were just work friends.
I asked that he limit his contact with her and be more open with me. They continued to be friends. Periodically I would remind Adam that I was uncomfortable with their friendship when she would keep popping up in all of his stories from work, but he would brush it off and assure me that I was overreacting. Well, three months ago I came home from work and he told me that he had feelings for her (not a big shocker, and don’t worry I’ve already filed for divorce). He said Hannah was separating from her husband, Joe, and she made a couple of comments to him that made him feel uncomfortable, but then made him question their connection as well. Comments like “do you think we’re too close?” “I wish I met you before I met my husband.” “I’ve always found you attractive.” Etc.
He realized he cared for her, but he wanted to tell his wife because he did not like keeping it from me. Adam assured me they were never physical, and he sobbed about how I deserved better, of course he wanted to be with me, yadda yadda. I naively said I’d work on it, and that lasted all of three weeks. Within the second week, Adam had a full breakdown questioning what it all meant. I wrote Hannah a letter which I had Adam give to her (I had no other way of reaching her) expressing that I am a real person that both of them have hurt. I said I contemplated telling her husband but I held myself back because I did not know if that would put her in harms way. He told me that she was scared I would tell her husband because she didn’t know what he would do. I said she should be.
Some time went by and I found that he was still talking with her He said he did not want to stop talking to her. I said I think he should leave for the weekend. He went to his parents house over the weekend, and there was severe weather at our house. Picture me locked in a laundry room with two dogs and two cats. Of course, Adam and I were texting. He was watching the weather and hoped we were safe.
He comes back home the next morning before work. While he was outside with the dogs I checked his phone (yes I know that was bad). I found that the prior night he was also texting Hannah. Their conversation included her saying he was so cute and asking about what they would do for their first date. He responded with a couple of suggestions for activities they could do. She loved it. Blah blah blah (again, I’m divorcing already). When I found the messages my heart sank. He came back in from outside and I told him that I wanted a divorce. I told him what I saw and that he has lost all decision making power in our relationship. It was up to me now.
Here’s where I’m not sure if I’m the asshole. I went to work and got started on handcrafting a few messages. I sent his parents a text informing him of what he was doing under their roof. I sent his brother a message that said Adam might need a place to stay. I sent Joe an email informing him of their emotional affair with as many specifics as I could remember about her specific comments, and I told him that if I found out any harm came to Hannah as a result of my message I would personally report him. I then sent Hannah a long email that acknowledged my pain, informed her that up until this morning, Adam was still telling me he would do couples counseling which was leading her on, that I reached out to her husband (I copied and pasted my message to him in my email to her), and that I did not want to hear from her.
Adam fully freaked out. He said I was compromising peoples jobs (I emailed Hannah on her work email, but like she was doing what she was doing at work so why’s she ashamed when it’s written down?), I’m blowing up everything, how could I? Etc. I got a call from his mom berating me saying that if any harm came to her son, it would be on me. She said I would have to live with myself. I simply apologized for upsetting her and blocked her number. The way I’m telling you, I didn’t even raise my voice.
I felt like telling him I would report him would deter any potential harm. I also thought that including what I sent to him in my message to her was a courtesy to prepare her for anything he might do. I also am finding it hard to take the responsibility of a potential violent act that I verbally discouraged and warned her about. I also warned them both that I was considering tell Joe not because I wanted to punish them, but just because he had a right to know. 3 of the 4 people in the situation were well aware of the inappropriate conduct, and Joe was just hanging out and hoping for a reconciliation. I’m finding it tough to believe what Adam’s mom said, but am I the asshole for messaging my husband’s mistress’ husband?
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UpdateMe
Updateme!
NTA!!!
NTA, but I’m a believer in holding your head up high and just walking away. Keep your dignity and don’t get drawn in.
Updateme
NTA. ur husband, the mistress and your mil are the assholes here. The OBS deserves to know they’re being cheated on.
NTA if they didn’t want people to know, they shouldn’t have done this. He didn’t care about you and how this would harm you. This are just the consequences of their actions. Sorry this happened to you!
I don’t think you’re an asshole. Sounds like you were pretty patient about the whole thing, and it’s true that he deserves to know too. They dug their graves so to speak… they both knew what they were doing all along. F*ck em.
NTA…cheaters always play the card of don’t tell the spouse because they might get violent. However, that didn’t stop them from cheating on that spouse. If they were truly afraid they wouldn’t have gotten involved with each other. Regardless, Joe has a right to know so he can make an informed decision about his future. You did the right thing that Hannah was too much of a coward to do.
They don’t want to take responsibility for their bad behavior so they will blame everything on you. They alone are responsible for the consequences of their actions. Move on and live your best life.
NTA. The AP’s husband should know the truth of his situation.
ETA: And they should both be glad that you aren’t emailing their bosses about what’s been going on.
What a twisted web, your husband and family aren’t concerned at all with you or your marriage, that’s unforgivable.
Of course you tell everyone involved.
Since when are you supposed to help the cheaters?
They deserve the public shunning.
Not AH! Joe deserved to know, and you gave fair warning. You handled it with way more grace than most world
Props to you!
NTA. UpdateMe
NTA. I understand the compassion you are showing for a possible scenario, but while anything is possible not everything is probable. Will Joe get violent? Maybe. Is she a battered woman afraid? Also possible. However, most people are capable of intense emotional reactions when they find out their spouse has cheated, and most don’t get violent.
Whatever happens from this moment on is a consequence of their own actions. You gave her a heads up to be aware just in case and she can choose to not go home. Your STBX risking an ass kicking from his APs husband is always possible and he knew it. They were planning a first date while actively still married! That!s on them!
Updateme
You did the right thing. NTA
NTA and why are they so worried about Joe hurting her ?? like does he have a history of domestic violence or something ? because that’s a huge leap if he’s never done anything like that and also, she’s hurting him first ??
Updateme
Updateme
If any harm comes to either of them its because of them and them alone. No one asked them to be inappropriate. They both knew their partners wouldn’t approve and still continued. His mom is an idiot and they both have accountability issues it seems. Updateme
NTA, I admire u.
Updateme
Updateme
Most definitely NTA! Seem like soon to be ex-hubby thought he could have TWO cakes and eat them too.
Also, UpdateMe!
AMAZING JOB 👏 👏👏👏👏 NTA IN ANY WAY!!
NTA – you should let their work know as well.
NTA. Her spouse should know. Your husband’s mom is wrong, whatever happens to him s due to his own actions and deliberate decisions.
NTA
NTA he has every right to know what’s been going on
Secrets are the weapons of abusers. Keeping their secrets gives them power.
I acknowledge that in cases where one party needs to escape abuse, secrets are necessary to escape.
But in the vast majority of cases, keeping the secrets of someone who hurt you is giving them power over you.
And I’d also point out that the only reason you believe he will hurt her is because that is the story she is feeding her affair partner. You know, the person she doesn’t ever want him to meet.
Updateme
NTA HOOO RAH
NTA the AP’s husband deserved to be told. Only ones at fault are your husband and his AP.
Updateme!
A lot to unpack here. NTA but idk if this is real.
If the mistresses work email was all you had to get in contact with her, then don’t feel bad about using it. It’s not like you cc’d their bosses and coworkers. She can quietly read the email and delete it. If she panicked and made a scene at work then that’s on her.
The mistresses husband deserved to know. Both you and his divorce lawyers will probably appreciate copies of their texts if you have a way to get them.
Your 29yr old husband getting his mommy involved is sus. He should probably learn to be accountable for his actions.
Op, idk if this is real. Did you make this throwaway account back in 2022 and finally decide to use it?
Why so worried about potential violence? That wouldn’t even cross my mind.
It was a petty move to go to her husband, but i can’t judge you for it because their behavior had been disrespectful and deceitful for a long time. They both deserve for this to be as uncomfortable as it can possibly be.
I would be so tempted to anonymously email their HR dept. I guess that makes me more petty than you.
NTA
Updateme
NTA
UpdateMe
NTA. You did everything right. Holding their well being over your head is especially shitty when they didn’t care about yours while having the affair. Still document everything from here on out. Good luck with the divorce!
I always love the hypocrisy of a cheater. NTA. Update me
NTA updateme
NTA. Given the length of the emotional affair, the ongoing lying and betrayal by your husband, and the damage he — not you, HE — has done to multiple people, I’d say you were remarkably restrained. Who knows what lies Joe’s been fed by his unfaithful wife? Who knows what lies Adam’s been stringing his side piece along with? Who knows what lies he’s been telling people about you? The work girlfriend is by no means blameless, but the center of this sh*tstorm is Adam and he deserves every one of the anvils falling on his head.
Updateme
NTA. Her husband 100% deserved to know. Screw her feelings and your (ex)husbands feelings. They F’ed around and found out. Good for you sorry you dealt with this.
No, your husband/mistress and mil are assholes. You were right in informing her husband. Hopefully, now you and the mistress husband can find happiness.
NTA – kicking butt and taking names! Love it!
NTA they set this in motion and they need to deal with the fallout. You’re being too nice if you ask me.
NTA! You’re not blowing up their lives; you’re not blowing up their careers. They are. I hope to God someone would tell me if my spouse was having an affair, for sake of my heart and sanity (life is too short to waste with the wrong people) and for my physical health. You can’t trust much cheaters say. I doubt they haven’t been intimate with each other, but even if not, its plausible there could be other partners involved, which was putting both you and Joe at risk :<
Updateme
NTA Updateme
Updateme!
Updateme
NTA. If any harm comes to either of them, that would be a direct result of their actions.
UpdateMe
NTA at all. None of this is your fault. You are acting appropriately imo
NTA- no kids with the guy? I’d let their work know, too. Do stupid $hit, win stupid prizes. The book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life was the brick to the face I needed to recover and really heal from my ex cheating and leaving me for another woman. It’s so much better on the other side of this. You deserve so much better and I hope you find peace!
Updateme
NTA – f them.
Well…. take her husband then lmfaooo
If you dont want people to find out about your behavior, why are you doing it?
update me
No, you are not the asshole
NTA.
Updateme!
NTA FAFO Your soon to be ex is the Ahole. You should inform their work after the divorce. If it is against company policy that is their issue not yours. Her husband deserves to know. She is putting his health at risk.
Divorce is a public event. Every one knows.
NTA
Your MiL is a piece of work. She’s telling you it will be on your head if anything happens to her son? How about her precious PoS son is cheating on OP, so he is fully responsible for what happens to him!
Your husband knows what he wants; he’s a greedy cheater. Once again, he’s the guy that wants both his wife and to have a fling with this chick.
Divorce the lowlife cheater and move on. He’s not worth your time.
I found out my fiance was boffing his next door neighbor (I wasn’t living with him at the time). She had recently married her boyfriend but she made it pretty obvious in front of me she was interested in my guy.
I was outside his place waiting for him (trying to work it out, like a dumbass) when her husband pulled up. I asked if he knew she was screwing my fiance? He charged inside and proceeded to beat on her. I did call the cops for her. I wasn’t expecting her to get that consequence but I did do the minimum to get her protected.
PS she also claimed my fiance raped her. 😑😑😑
If your husband was concerned about any harm coming his way, then he shouldn’t have been messing with a married woman.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I think you covered your bases well with Hannah. Ol’ Joe deserved to know (we’d all want to know the truth if it was us in that position) and your warning was fair but firm.
This work wife/husband concept is becoming more and more of a problem. If you think about it they are spending the same amount, if not more, time with your spouse and with none of the stress of real life such as bills, parenting, home life, etc. Sorry this happened to you, OP. Proud of how you handled it tho and wishing you the best in the future.
If Joe knew about the affair and you did not, you would have wanted him to inform you, yes?
NTA
NTA. She put her herself in this situation.
NTA they both should have thought about the consequences of everything before allowing things to get this far. I would absolutely tell his job also especially if one reports tot he other as it’s not fair for them to get special treatment compared to others at work.
Screw them both
Updateme
NTA. Updateme
Update me
Update me
W
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L
P
Definitely not. I had just written about this on a different thread. Maybe I will try to copy and paste it here.
I was in Joe’s shoes, and I’m glad that the wife of the affair partner told me. I certainly deserve to know. That said, the first time she tried to tell me, my ex knew it was coming and deleted the message from his wife from my phone before I saw it. The very next day I was sitting between the two of them on my couch, clueless. Four or five days later, his wife sent me another message, and that’s when I found out. That would’ve been really gross behavior if it was done by some sort of mortal enemy. Fucked me up pretty good for a while. But I’m still grateful she tried to tell me the first time and followed up. I deserved to know.
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
It blows my mind that there are still people out there who refuse to accept that actions have consequences. NTA in the least bit. In fact, this was the most mature exposing of cheaters I think I’ve ever seen. If “harm” comes to the MIL’s son, it’s because he was messing around with another man’s wife — not because OP exposed them. It’s not a secret she’s required to keep.
Definitely NTA, actions have consequences people need to know this
NTA. Whatsoever. You did what most people dream of doing but don’t have the balls to do. How many out there have been Joe, where everyone knows but them? And when they do find out, they wish ANYONE would have had their back and told them.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. You seem so strong in your post but I hope you’re not alone and have some support from family/friends.
Nta
Nta
Blowing them up was the right thing to do
Definitely should of told
You did nothing wrong, your husband and his coworker did. There’s no point in hiding this there’s gonna be a divorce. I hope you told his mother that you didn’t encourage him to have an affair.
They were very cavalier about your feelings throughout this mess. They’re lucky you didn’t do worse. If they’re surprised, they’re not very smart.
I don’t hear anything in this post about you leaving your husband.
NTA, you were nicer than me. I would also report it to HR personally.
Updateme
It was only supposed to hurt OTHER people!!
NTA. If you don’t want anyone to know about something you did, don’t do it. If you don’t want anyone to know what you said, don’t say anything. Once the words are spoken, they can’t be undone. Same as actions. Your husband and his ho are mad that you’re not taking their shit laying down. You’re standing up for yourself in word and deed because you know you deserve better. Good job! You’re on your way to a much better life!
Updateme
@Updateme
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Not at all.
NTA. These were consenting adults making adult decisions. YOU are solely responsible for the way you react to things and hold no power or accountability for the actions that Joe or your husband and his whor.. mistresses employer make. If they were big enough to make these decisions they are big enough to take the consequences that follow. As someone who was the “dumb wife” for almost 7 years, I only wish someone would have told me sooner. Good for you for getting out now. You have so much more life to live. Happiness is the best revenge! Also, printing out their text messages (or their Adult Friend Finder Ad) and papering their workplace’s entire parking lot and all the windshields in it with them? That may also make you feel better. So I’ve heard.
NTA you should have copied the messages to yourself and sent that copy to HR.
NTA but your family or soon to be ex family and his AP are AHOLES.
NTA – This is all DARVO – they are making you out to be the bad guy, tell them all to F off.
NTA. But also please don’t write posts from chatgpt
NTA
What country is this in? I would 100% tell him he can stop or I would contact HR and let them know about Hannah’s inappropriate emails from her work email
NTA
Updateme
OP does Hannah have any kids?
Sent it to HR
Updateme
NTA! Updateme
I kinda didn’t even need to read this entire explanation as my answer is fuck. Yeah I would have done the same.
NTA
They deserve everything that they get coming to them. If they were worried about it getting out or affecting their job or getting hurt, then they shouldn’t have done it in the first place. I do hope that you plan on going after both of them for compensation
NTA, you don’t cheat. Hanna and Adam cheated. The consequences of that are their responsibility and only theirs. You had no say in whether they violated their marriages, so it’s not on you.
My ex husband had an ongoing affair for at least 2 years before he got sloppy and I found out. He had another life, with friends that saw the two of them as a couple. During this time, he let me make life choices (like retiring, when having the social support of a job would have made my divorce much easier) in my ignorance. Please tell the betrayed spouse. He deserves to know.
They should think about the consequences of cheating before doing it. So if they have a partner that can become violent she shouldn’t have been cheating, she should have left or divorced him before messing around. Surely a person knowing they are both cheating on their partners knows that things can suddenly blow out of control so they should protect themselves.
Why should you be responsible for her cheating? She took the risk, she cheated with your husband and suddenly you are the bad guy.
His mum is protecting him because she’s his mum, ignore block and move on. Don’t feel guilty about anything, they don’t deserve it. His mum should be telling her son off for putting himself in that situation where he could be in trouble with another woman’s husband.double standards.
Nope. Good job.
FAFO. Youre NTA.
Updateme
NTA at all. You handled that very well. I am sorry you had to go through that.
NTA. I would report them to work too. This is a clear HR violation. That’s why he’s terrified. Please do report them and allow them to face the consequences. Make sure you give specifics about it starting/going on at work
NTA The only one putting Hannah and your husband at risk of losing jobs or any other consequences is themselves. Joe definitely has a right to know, anyone being cheated on has a right to know. I know you’re hurting, I’ve been there, but I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself and getting out.
updateme
NTA x 1,000. Expose all the cheaters.
NTA at all! As you mentioned this involves 4 people and only 3 out of the 4 people shouldn’t be aware, it should be everyone! I believe that whole “she maybe in danger” shit is bs used to deter you from speaking out. She may not have had any issues with her husband and was just playing the field. Now that her husband is aware she is going to have to make sure real decisions.
Hope everything works out well for you.
Updateme!
Nope, NTA! You FA on your partner all bets are off. Good on you! He deserved to know!
Updateme
Wait first you had no way of contacting Hannah directly so you did so through your husband… but then you somehow knew her husband’s email address??
You are definitely NTA!! Don’t let anyone guilt trip you. Your MIL is a piece of work. Your husband is an AH! He deserves everything coming for him. He and Hannah didn’t just betray you but they betrayed Joe. He has every right to be angry in this situation. You both deserve better! SMH!!
Updateme
Sounds like his mommy knew all about the affair. She’s complicit in any consequences.
Update us when you know more. You did Great with telling the people that needed to know.
NTA, they had it coming
I’m sorry but what!? If Adam gets harmed, it’s Adam’s fault PERIOD. His mom is an idiot just like him and I’m glad you blocked her and filed for divorce from her crusty ass son.
If people don’t want to get in trouble, then don’t do the thing that’ll get you in trouble.
I hate how people don’t hold men especially accountable in situations like this uuuuhhhgghghhhhgggh
In my experience divorced or about-to-be-divorced women do a lot of incredibly stupid, self-harmful things because they’re mad. Don’t be the one who gets hosed in the divorce.
NTA everyone is responsible for their own actions. Every decision has a consequence. They chose to be unfaithful and now they’re afraid of what “Joe” will do? What if all this fear mongering is a lie and Joes just a poor putz who’s been fooled. Also your mil sucks.
Joe has a right to know who (else) has been in his marriage. If you haven’t already, tell him.
Updateme
NTA.
I’m obviously not in favor of spousal abuse, but I can’t find any sympathy or give a fucks for that defense. Don’t want your cheating ass whooped? Easy – don’t cheat. It’s not on you to protect her. Morally, informing the other injured party is far more appropriate.
Let their skanky ship sink together.
Your MIL can fully fuck off. Any harm that comes to Adam is on Adam. Full stop. He made his choices. Choices come with consequences. The fact that she would lash out at you like that knowing her son is a lying adulterer while giving him a full pass tells me a lot about both her and Adam. Good for you. You’ve done nothing wrong.
UpdateMe
NTA! Not your problem! They took chance & didn’t get get caught by other husband
Their luck has now run out since you’re made the final decision in this marriage! (((HIGS))) Don’t allow any of them to guilt you for taking care of yourself!
I’m not going to call YTAH, but I stopped reading this post at “he said he would not tell me because he knew how I’d react…”. JFC, gaslighting cheaters are all the same. Should you have tried to blow up the mistress’ marriage? probably not. Get out.
NTA. Reap what you sow and all that. Maybe his parents should have done a better job teaching their son about respect and loyalty and he wouldn’t have put himself in harm’s way. That’s not on you.
NTA. Your husband and his fellow homewrecker are.
NTA. That’s a Boss move!
Updateme
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You were me 12 years ago, only add in three kids to the mix. Ex was having an affair with a coworker … I suspected he had a crush on her, but didn’t imagine it was reciprocated. (She was a newlywed.) Then one day he blurted out that he was in love with her and wanted to be with her. I gave him a few days to think over whether or not he wanted to blow up his life. He didn’t waver, so I messaged her husband. Apparently he had already moved in with his parents (who were best friends with HER parents), but had no idea that there was someone else, or that it was my husband. He didn’t have any insight but was very kind.
My ex was FURIOUS. Said I’d “thrown a bomb in the middle of both their families.” I pointed out that he and his affair partner threw the bomb; I was just the person who said, “Hey look! A bomb!”
People who have been outed as unfaithful will do and say anything to justify their actions and try to make YOU out to be the bad guy. Don’t believe ANYTHING they say right now. (My ex told me that he’d never really loved me and I pressured him into marrying me. Dude — you proposed four months after we met, and we had THREE planned children!)
And I think you did the right thing; her husband deserved to know. People should know that the person they’re planning to spend their life with, maybe have kids with, make major financial and life decisions based on their relationship with, isn’t being faithful. Because I’d have loved to have had that information when we were talking about building a house or decided I should be a SAHM.
And that doesn’t even take into account the fact that they might be exposing them to sexually transmitted diseases. (I found out I tested positive for HPV — the scary, potentially cancer-causing kind — eight years into my 10-year marriage. Due to a mix-up at my OB’s office, I didn’t find out till two years later. But my doctor thought it was incredibly unlikely that I’d had it since before my marriage, and I sure as hell never slept with anyone else DURING it. Thankfully, my body eventually cleared it, but there was a time when my OB told me to start thinking about whether or not I wanted to have more children.)
Also, check out ChumpLady.com. I didn’t find her site till years after my divorce, but it’s great and I’ve recommended it to several women who’ve found out their partner was cheating.
NTA
Your husband is a cheater, he knows that what he has been doing was wrong and he’s simply ashamed of himself, as he should.
You should have just said “Thank you for reacting this way, that tells me I made the right decision.”
NTA! I have so much respect and admiration for how you handled it. You gave them both ample opportunity to end their inappropriate “friendship,” and they chose to continue it as it evolved into something romantic. You warned them, they didn’t listen. Everything that is unfolding is their fault and their’s alone.
I think your choice to make their affair public knowledge is 100% justified, especially in their workplace. He committed emotional adultery with a coworker, and actions like this have consequences. When you work for a company, you represent said company/employer. The people in charge have a right to know that they have staff engaging in activities that could result in legal actions. They are essentially criminals due to their immortal behavior that occurred due to a working relationship progressing into an affair that impacted 2 couples. That is an HR explosion waiting to happen. They should both be fired.
Family wise: As you are in the process of divorcing him, it is your right to explain why to anyone and everyone. There would/will be questions, and he deserves to be blamed for what happened. You should not have to protect him. He lost that privilege when he betrayed you and in his parents’ home at that.
Her husband also deserves to know. You telling him was the right thing to do, especially after you gave them grace the first time and kept their behavior private. They both stepped out on their marriages, even after being told what would happen if they did.
The final and most important part: you are in no way, shape, or form responsible for the outcomes of their affair. How others choose to react to this has nothing to do with you. All the aftermath effects are the consequences of THEIR actions. They chose to cheat, and they now have to live with the outcome. Violence or abusive retaliation has nothing to do with you. It is all caused by their poor choices, and where the truth came from is irrelevant. It happened because they let it.
You are not to blame. You did the right thing. When the divorce is finalized, treat yourself to a vacation somewhere sunny and full of half-naked men who dont speak English 🤣
Final words: you’re a queen and boss bitch for taking charge of the situation without letting it break you. Hats off to you and much respect!
NTA actions have consequences.
IMO …. you should go full scorched Earth and let EVERYONE know what kind of people they are!!!!
NTA. I think you forgot the company HR department. If your husband complains that would be my next call because they can retrieve even deleted emails and she used her company email.
Update us.
NTA.
Updateme
NTA. You should send another email to the HR of Adam and Hannah’s office.
You handled it perfectly. Informed all parties with facts about n a calm way. Well done
NTA. I’m so sorry you were disrespected in this way. Good for you for taking a stand and exposing the true assholes in this scenario.
NTA— they FAFO
Nope NTA. Play big games win big prizes. They both deserve what they get. Whatever happens it’s not on you, they need to own their decisions.