Since buying a cabin on a lake my mother in law invites herself, her husband, grown daughter and her family over for all holidays and father’s day for bbqs at the lake. We have always provided meals and drinks for everyone while my mother in law brings a dessert or a salad. This week she has extended family in town and my mother in law said she was bringing them out on Sunday. A few days later she messaged and asked if she should bring dessert. I suggested she bring the main course and dessert and I would make a salad. Needless to say that didn’t go over well. Am I the asshole for not wanting to provide the entire meal yet again.
Am I the asshole for suggesting my mother in law bring more than dessert to our lake house when she invited 8 family members over for a bbq?
r/AITAH
Comments
Whose mother is this?
I’m so confused
Uninvite her.
Tell her she is not welcome to the BBQ.
Tell those people she invited that they cannot come.
Grow TF up, grow a spine, be an adult speak up
Why isn’t your spouse handling this? Tell them to call mom and put a stop to this nonsense.
Hey you’re welcome to come but we aren’t in a position to host at this time so if you’re planning on eating here you may want to bring something. If they push you to cook just tell them that you can’t afford it this week. Don’t let her walk over you and even if you can afford it it’s none of her business how you choose to spend your money
Where tf is your spouse and why isn’t he handling this?
Why does MIL announce when she is coming to your home and who she is bringing? Does she pay your mortgage?
NTA but you need to speak up. Stop wussing out on your MIL. You have set no boundaries for her. But just worry about who you invited. Speak right up on unexpected folks with…we don’t have enough. Put the food away. Serve them bread.
‘You’ve always provided meals and drinks for everyone while my mother-in-law brings a dessert or a salad.’
There’s your problem. You’re sick of it and can’t blame you for that. Tricky situation. You could suggest she use the cabin when you’re not there, that way she supplies everything herself. Or tell her you’ve got your own friends coming this time. Slowly, slowly, work it so that you’re not there together.
Be careful what you start folks.
First, you have a spouse problem. They should be managing this situation with their family. You shouldn’t have to be the “bad” guy. It puts you in a bad situation with the in-laws that makes you look bad. They should deal with this, without saying my spouse is making me…. You’re a team. They should be on your side.
Next, while a larger portion of the responsibility lands on your MIL for inviting people to your house, your spouse’s entire family is taking advantage of you. Any time I’m invited to someone’s house, whether by the host or by extension, my first question is what can I bring. Every single person should want to help make a pot luck out of it and bring something. Unless of course you say you don’t want the help. That’s up to you.
You are under no obligation to host them, feed them, etc.
I bought a lake cabin. When I told my SIL she said yay! a cabin in the family benefits all. She wanted to “book” her weeks there in the summer. Got her calendar out and everything to “coordinate” dates when we were not using it. I said you have to discuss that with your sister. Who promptly said, ah, no. We don’t lend our place out. SIL was in a huff and wanted to argue about it. But not with me.
NTA, ur providing the venue and probably the beverages…the least she can do is provide the food.
No.. not the asshole.
Why isn’t your husband saying this to her… that you all didn’t plan for 8 additional surprise guests. That you can handle it in terms of chairs, etc. but your food will not possibly stretch that far.
She can bring dessert for everyone and drinks. Plus a nice bottle of wine you guys can enjoy at another time.
Although i agree with most comment’s saying your spouse should be involved. I also think it could create tension between the two of you. It definitely sounds like a boundary needs to be in place. She can use the cabin with you and your spouses approval, but you should not be required to entertain/ feed her guest. Maybe offer some sort of potluck event? In my opinion I would treat it like an air B&B but obviously free. Just because she is your MIL and your family AND you own it, doesn’t mean it’s for her free usage. Unless stated otherwise, although from the sounding of your first sentence I don’t believe it was. It’s not your responsibility to provide for her guest unless you volunteered in the first place. It’s your family as well but you weren’t the one who set it up. Nor should you be required to host as well. From how it sounds it’s her guest. Not yours. NTAH, although like I said, I believe some boundaries need to be put in place. If she can’t agree with your terms, than maybe she should be allowed to bring other guest. Or allowed at all.
The other posters are correct that your spouse should be handling it, but I have to say I love your response. It totally made me laugh.
Who on earth has the gall to invite a fleet of people over to someone else’s house AND not provide for the people THEY have invited? The gall some people have is wild.
NTA you could arrange to not be there when they arrive and can’t get in….
So she is calling you, announcing a date for a BBQ, and then once you acknowledge that, she invites more people, then confirms she is only bringing a salad.
She is backing you into a corner by taking charge of the scheduling and invitations.
Call or text immediately, say you were actually not planning on hosting anything that weekend, but if she is having a BBQ at hers, you hope she has a fantastic time. You may be able to make it there and bring some dessert, but you have to check with husband.
In the future, if you are inviting people, let her know there will be no other guests invited. If she tries to add people, the answer is always no. If she shows up with people, embarrass the shit out of her over it with your well intentioned comments. Then, if she is not apologizing, don’t invite her to the next one. She needs to be dealt with like a petulant child. Your husband should be the one to do it.
NTA, but you are the asshole to yourself for letting it go this long.
Your MIL is milking your hospitality beyond decent manners. She’s also using your cabin on the lake to grandstand to her own friends and family. If she pitched in more, it might be tolerable. As it is, she’s dumped the heavy lifting of feeding and hosting on you. Asking her to bring a main dish isn’t asking for the Hope Diamond, FHS. She’s taking advantage of your kindness, but it’s time to stand up for yourself.
Do you have a spouse who is willing to draw the line with you? Your MIL must be told kindly that she can bring a main-dish meal, order delivery, or stand on her head. What she doesn’t get to do is to keep coercing you through guilt to feed and host whoever she wants to invite to your place. The sooner you get this boundary in place, the better. You know you’re right. She’s taking your kindness as weakness, so now is the time to be strong. Stand firm.
Add: Cheerfully say you’d love to see her, but you’ve been working/cooking all week, so you and spouse are moving to a “simpler plan.”
“Actually we’ve invited a bunch of work colleagues / my book group / the local Satanist chapter over that afternoon, so that doesn’t work for us.”
NTA – she is expecting too much for you to provide everything for everyone.
NTA
She could totally bring meats to be bbq’d. What a leech!
I cannot imagine anyone in my life having the audacity to tell ME when they’re coming over to MY house and not wait for an invite. Then having the gall to bring a dessert for the extra crowd they’re hauling into my home. NTA but I beg you to grow a spine and learn how to say No.
NTA. Warn her you’re not cooking for 9 others, she’s welcome to, or not. And then don’t have food. If they don’t come prepared, hopefully there’s a pizza place that delivers near by, not your problem.
Definitely NTA. But since spouse doesn’t want to push back you do have options:
Lmao dude, NTA. Seriously, ur MIL’s move is bare cheeky. U got the cabin, u host, but she inv? And u feed? Nah mate, she gotta step up and bring more than a flippin’ brownie tray. It’s shared fam time, not ur free restaurant service. Stand ur ground, bro.💪🔥
NTA. She can cater the get-together if she’s bringing that many people. At the very least, she should be providing the main courase. But really, you need to let her know that she DOES NOT have an open invitation to your place. She just can’t invite herself anymore. Sometimes, you have other plans, and it’s inconvenient to host her and a gaggle of others. Change the locks if she has a key. Reprogram the keypads of you have them.
She MIL invites people to YOUR house for dinner BBQ whatever SHE supplies the food.
If she doesn’t then no one eats . Why the heck are you feeding ($$$) people you don’t invite.
I would send out a mass txt/ email that if anyone invites people to your house THEY are to supply food and drinks.
After all you are supplying the location.
If this causes issues then NOONE that you don’t specifically invite is allowed at your lake house.
This is not negotiable, yes I’m looking at you MIL.
If it’s then a toddler tantrum then you can all bugger off and no one can gather at yours.
NTA
No. According to Miss Manners, no one is ever obligated to host anyone. Really, nobody is obligated to even let their own mother step foot on their property. All it takes is to tell people, sorry, we are not hosting. Also, only hosts get to invite people to their house/events, guests do NOT get to invite people. So, I suggest that you and your husband decide who you want to invite and stick with it. Think about it a weekend all to yourselves might really be relaxing. Be strong and stand firm. Good luck.
NTA, but your MIL is.
She has nerve.
She needs to be providing main course or Venmo money PRIOR to you to cover the costs of all the food and drinks.
I’m irritated at a minimum for you, and almost angry.
She is a user.
Don’t let her be a user.
I like that you told her to bring the main dish. Keep it up. Don’t have other food ready.
NtA. What a cheap assed MIL you have. Maybe your hubby needs to get involved in this?
Invite you and a bunch of friends or family over to her place for a bbq or three. See how that goes.
Plenty of options have already been mentioned. Start implementing them.
Good luck.
Time to be clear this is your house not hers and never to invite anyone to your home without your permission again you need to set clear boundaries NTA
Why is she allowed to invite others to your place? wtf!!! NTA.
It’s not your job to manage your mother in law. It is your husband’s job. Get her under control and have her stop acting like an entitled jerk. You are already providing a venue, and all the hassle. The absolutely least she could do is bring enough food to feed her own family she is bringing. And if she doesn’t want to do that, she doesn’t have to come at all.
No!!!
If this were me – I’d sell the lake house and be moving away from them. Life is too short to deal with that
Tell her you are unable to feed extra bodies so if she invites them, she needs to provide all the food and drinks for them. It’s only fair since you are providing the venue
No
NTA call her back and suggest that you bring the desert to her house, since she invited everyone then surely the gathering is at her home.
Cancel every family gathering that she arranges in your home.
Updateme!
Has your husband told her “Come any time! Bring family and friends!”? Does he have an opinion about his mom’s extreme level of entitlement? Does he agree with her that you need to keep MIL and her uninvited crowd fed and watered?! Do the two of you need to have a talk, come up with a plan, and promptly and firmly share it with MIL? Is the cabin the main MIL issue, or is MIL just all around obnoxious?
Would she do this if it was your house? Not the cabin. If not, what makes her think it’s ok to do this at the cabin? She needs to be taught manners and respect. She feels entitled and needs to be taken off her pedestal. NTA for putting her where she belongs, on the curb.
NTA it’s time to put a stop to that.
You’re not the asshole it’s totally fair to ask your MIL to bring more food if she’s inviting extra people to your place.
Your partner needs to deal with their mother. No unannounced visits. No assumptions around holidays. And if she’s inviting other people then she absolutely needs to provide more food. How very selfish to expect you will do this for her. NTA
What’s up with your husband? This is his mother.
Isnt your MILs grown daughter, your SIL?
Or….just tell her she’s not invited?
We used to have a fully stocked lake house and (surprise!!) had so many ‘friends’. We would entertain all the time, with the understanding that they would also contribute booze and meat. Some would do that, others would bring thise items, but never take it out of their coolers.
What was even more expensive was the fuel costs for the boat and jet ski. They seemed to think that it runs on water.
We sold the place and our friendship circle shrunk tremendously.
“Hey, considering the larger number of people, we are asking each person who comes to bring something to share. We are not going to be able to feed everyone, so to have fair contributions is a fair option.”
You’re definitely not in the wrong for asking her to bring the main when she’s using and abusing your home. Nta
Oof…
Your MiL doesn’t get to invite herself to your cabin, only YOU can decide if you’re inviting her there, or not!
Please put a stop to this real nuisance who also happens to be your MiL.
Where does she get off inviting 8 complete strangers to your family cabin then meekly asks if bringing some stingy, bare bones salad will suffice to feed all those ppl, including herself?!
Do not allow her or anyone from her side of the family to set foot in your cabin, again.
If you do allow them bc of your hubby, then tell them they MUST bring all their food/drinks to your cabin as you’re no longer feeding them.
NTA
Why is she just inviting people to ur house and expecting u to host???? Why are u doing it?? No she needs to ask and respect your no, need to explanation and you do not need to cook or provide! She invited them she’s hosting them if she asks and u ok it. She doesn’t get to snap her fingers and u need to set boundaries. I mean ffs she’s not even just inviting a couple people to ur place but 8?! And expecting u to pay and feed these people? Nah put her on time out and no one over for awhile, get security cameras, ring and change locks NTA get husband and be a united front about this with her. And honestly if it was on her to be feeding and hosting her guests she wouldn’t be doing it or not as often and not so many people. Oh and does she help clean up after her guests?
Stop being a people pleaser.
Get therapy to figure out why you’re a people pleaser, and solve it.
See above 2 points re acting like a doormat for your MIL.
See above 2 points re acting like doormat for your spouse, who should have shot their mother’s behaviour down long before now.
Examine your people pleaser / doormat behaviour in other areas of your life, and get help to stop doing that.
Why have you continued to allow this? Why hasn’t your husband shut this down yet?
I must be a total asshole because I would say bring your own food and I’ll cook it on the grill but it would definitely be made clear to BYO
YOU, most definitely, ANTAH
Tell MIL that your vacation home isn’t her personal party venue and you aren’t her free caterer. The time for being nice is over. This woman thinks she’s entitled to free run of a property you own and she’ll continue to act this way until you stop it. Your MIL is taking complete advantage of you. End her free ride or this is your life from now on.
Where’s your husband in all of this?
NTA
Your MIL is rude for continuing to invite herself and others to your lake home! #2 reason why I vetoed getting a lake house- I wasn’t going to tolerate the mooching that I knew would come from my husband’s people.
I like you. No b.s. with you. A+ And yeah your spouse should be the one telling her to feed them herself.
NTA uninvite all of them.
There is much more than just food going on here. MIL invites herself and 7 other people? There are serious boundaries being crossed and your husband needs to put a stop to it.
There is a lot of work hosting that size group. Cleaning and preparation … when do you get a relaxing weekend or holiday?
You have a husband problem. HE needs to tell HIS mom that she is way out of line.
NTA
Tell MIL sure. $30 per dinner plate!! Bring exact amount as you don’t have change!