My dad left when I was around five. He was never really there for me growing up — no calls, no visits, nothing. My mom raised me alone and did everything she could to give me a good life. I spent years wondering why he didn’t want to be part of it, but I eventually gave up and moved on.
A few months ago, now that I’m in my early twenties and doing well for myself, he suddenly reached out. Said he regrets the past and wants to reconnect. We met for coffee and he acted like we could just start fresh, like we hadn’t missed almost two decades of life together. He apologized, but it didn’t feel like enough — like he thought one conversation would fix everything.
After a few more texts and invitations to family events with his new wife and kids, I told him honestly that I don’t owe him a relationship just because he’s trying now. I said I’m not angry, but I’m not going to pretend like none of it happened. He said I was being unfair and cold, and his wife even messaged me saying I broke his heart.
Now I’m questioning whether I was too harsh. But deep down, I feel like I said what needed to be said. Am I the asshole
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Nta. Your father neglected you completely and didn’t put in the effort he had to in order to make you feel loved and cared for. He robbed you of having a father when you needed one the most.
He hurt you deeply and made your life harder and doesn’t even acknowledge it.
If you should have any more doubt, think of doing the same for your own child.
It’s not a genuine apology if the other person rejecting it isn’t an option, you can’t force the other person to accept the apology, the fact he went straight from apologizing to insulting you shows he doesn’t really understand how serious what he did is, you don’t owe anyone at all a relationship, less so someone who brought you to this world and then pretended you didn’t exist for decades.
NTA he doesn’t get to dictate if you’re willing/ready to try to connect with him, you do.
Encima, osea, no le rompió el corazón abandonarte, pero sí le rompió el corazón que lo mandases a la mierda ?. Creo que lo que rompiste fue su orgullo. 🙄🙄🙄
Whatever, I mean it didn’t break his heart to abandon you but it did break him to go to hell. I think what you’ve broken is his pride.
NTA. He can live with the consequences of his actions. You decide what’s best for you.
If he expected a better relationship with you, he should’ve done what it took to build it when he had the chance. If his heart is broken, it’s because he’s seeing the consequences of his actions(or inactions, in this case). NTA.
NTA. You’re allowed to protect your peace. His regret don’t erase your reality, and you don’t owe him a relationship just because he wants it now
He is a stranger you have little to no contact with for 20 years. What about the heart of the 5 year old who was abandoned? I do wonder what he wants from you now. NTA
It’s okay to forgive someone and still not want them in your life. Boundaries aren’t cruelty, they’re emotional survival
He is an adult he should know that choices come with consequences and he is now living with them.
NTA. You don’t owe him a relationship because he wants to act like a father now.
NTA. Not even a bit.
You don’t even owe him an explanation. Did he give you an explanation before he abandoned you at such a young age? The had the free will to make the choice to abandon you. You have the free will to make the choice to simply not pursue a relationship with him. He truly won’t ever understand how emotionally and psychologically devastating it is to have a father abandon you at such a young age and grow up without your dad. He was busy being someone else’s dad. He didn’t value you enough. You don’t owe him even a second thought.
However you should only not respond if you don’t want to, not out of revenge or from being hurt. If you do so, he will emotionally manipulate you and draw you in to argue with him and pull on your heart strings. You should enter into the situation with a clear heart and mind with no regret. You’re an adult now. You don’t owe anyone anything. Especially those you abandoned you, BY CHOICE.
His wife should attempt a quick thought experiment – if he just up & disappears leaving her and their kids high and dry, and then 20 years down the line appears again with a coffee invite and „all is well now“ attitude – how would she react? Probably would feel nothing but empathy for him, right? Bcs you know, he’d be heartbroken and all.
Tell his wife your heart has been broken for 20 years.
This is called “reaping what you sew.” I don’t think you’re being harsh, cold, or that you’re breaking his heart. I think you were being honest. He had to accept the concequences. If he cared about it back then, then he should have stayed. Not everyone is forgiven. The fact that he wasn’t around when you were young makes you think why do I need you in my life now that I’m older and I’m doing well?
I had something similar happen to me, but I gave him a chance. I was much older than in my 20s. And that question came up: You weren’t around when I was younger, why should I let you in now? But I forgave, I let him in. I didn’t need a father. I was already a better father than he ever was raising two daughters to adulthood.
All I wanted was his friendship. And he couldn’t even do that. There’s so many things that I regret in getting back with my estranged father for the sake of forgiveness. I wished I took your solution. I think it hurts less.
Hopefully your father takes the hint and leaves you alone now. But he may continue to try to get through to you somehow. I can’t advise you here as this is something you might have to deal with on your own. But I honestly do wish that I took your solution if that means anything. All the best of luck to you.
Guys it’s a bot…
NTA. Your father abandoned you and your mother, you owe him nothing.
Tell his wife that he broke your heart when he abandoned you when you were five years old and that you hope he doesn’t abandon her and their children.
Since he’s been so entitled and selfish, I would just distance myself from him again. You don’t need someone like that in your life
You don’t owe him anything. He lost parental rights and title when he walked out. Of course it is up to you if you want to pursue a relationship. But as far as owed? He or his wife doesn’t get to dictate how you feel.
NTA. You were not cold. You were too soft. Way too soft. He deserved a much punchier reply and being blocked.